LIFE! - Learn it. Live it. Love it

Like a Small Flicker Of Light That Can Burst and Light Up the Whole Town

2012-01-12T02:08:00.001+04:00

It’s an overwhelming feeling when you know you’re being trusted so much; when you feel like that person’s heart is in your hand. The way a heart can be enveloped because of all the care.. It’s an especially overwhelming feeling when you don’t know what to do about such a thing. Sometimes you just want to take a leap- hoping that you won’t fall into a bottomless pit, and that there will be someone to catch you (if not, at least some form of concrete ground). Is it worth it? The thought seems so futuristic, but should it really matter, because end the end it’s only supposed to involve you and me, right? But it does matter somehow- it does. Live for the present; be what you are- true phrases to follow by. After all, ‘how do you know there’s going to be a tomorrow,’ you ask. How do you know, indeed..

I've made it clear that I refuse to compromise, or give up what I believe in. A bridge of which I've come to a standstill at, but I'm not going to chose between two things that are important to me. In the long run, it might be harmful, but for now, I just want a bit of freedom and I believe I've established that quite clearly. If you don't wish to believe me, I shalln't say anything in return, but it seems that we've come to an understanding so far, especially since you value my honesty.

What you ask for though is a chance. A mere chance. A leap of faith. Is there a way that I might be able to give that after all- just a small one so that I can test the waters and not drown?

No matter what I just don’t want a repeat of what happened before. If it happens again, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to save myself. Still, I don’t ask for much in return at all. I’ll give you a chance- and perhaps a bit more. All I want in return is happiness. That's it- just happiness and honesty. Are you capable of giving me that?

║ Those Rusted Chains of Reality║

2011-12-17T03:08:00.000+04:00

Can you blame me if my mind is filled with irritation and rage? How would you feel, indeed, if your parents had a completely different image of you? If you were trying to portray an image of one who you were not, and they conceived a different image, then it’s a different story altogether. However, if you’re just being your real self with no hidden intentions; while being completely pure, you’re being accused of atrocious things- well, it’s not really such a justified thing then is it?

In my opinion, that’s basically what happened to me. To be honest, I’m the type who loves things told to me bluntly. Sure, I might be a bit taken back by one’s words because that’s quite natural, especially when it comes to an insult, but honest words are just that way and I can’t change them. However, when they’re utter nonsense, what am I to think in return?

It’s ridiculous- especially when I replay any of their words in my mind. What do they want from me, I’m not sure anymore. I try, in almost everyway to try to make them happy; it seems now I’m slipping up from that in some departments. Is it because I’m drifting off a bit away from them and becoming a little independent? Funny, I always thought that it was a good thing.

Just when I thought one thing, and started to admire one, because of such an incident, my respect for that person would slip. How can you even think of me as such a person? I might not be the brightest person on planet earth, but I’m not the stupidest. I might be tempted to get carried away at times, but sometimes I just want to be stuck in a dream; is it necessarily a bad thing? Perhaps so. But my feet still remain on the ground as I know what I want- I know what I’m doing, for the most part. All my decisions might not be right. I might not be perfect. I might not be ideal daughter, but can’t you just cut some slack for me? When it comes to something like that, I’ve tried to push all my thoughts and tried to suppress my voice, but it’s so hard to when your words are filled with nothing but presumptions and rubbish.

Nevertheless, here comes a crossroad where I have to weigh people who are important to me, who are my priority- versus my own judgement and stance in life…

Wish I didn’t have to pick because either way, I feel like I’m going to be losing something, or worse—someone.

The Day I...

2011-11-22T01:15:00.002+04:00

Perhaps it’s a defence mechanism that was created unintentionally because of the plenty scalpels cutting through my heart. Or it could be that I’m just like the others; no matter what I do, I’m unable to escape the stereotypical characteristics of an Aquarius. I’m not sure how it happened- or even when it happened, but once the realization moment has sunk in, it sunk in really deep.

Louis Althusser had proposed that there are all these ideologies that are implanted into our brains through certain institutions, like the educational system and the religious system, when we’re young and they’re instilled so deep- so deep that they almost become a part of our DNA. No matter what, we can’t deny them, nor escape them. When you actually think about all of this you realize that all those morals, ethics and all that you were so proud of- that made you an ‘individual’- they’re not even your own. They’re just implanted there to control you- to rule you over and to indirectly suppress you and keep you in your own little bubble. Therefore, what’s actually right and what’s actually wrong?

I’ll admit that I’m not used to people leaving me- or at least not because of an accepted reason. I can get stubborn to the extent that I refuse to accept that their role in my life is over, but does that really make much of a difference? It’s not like it’s actually going to make anyone stay. That’s the whole point of life, though, isn’t it? Growing up, changing, moving on. Is it all inevitable though? Is there really no such thing as forever? Sometimes, I do feel like challenging such a word, but would it be worth it in the end—to go to such an extent, I wonder.

It’s happened before quite often- where I’ve let someone in so close. So close that I even started to doubt my own thoughts, my own beliefs. So close that I almost completely gave in and lost myself. The surrounding people were the ones who shook me up, inviting the thought of it all being a trap, a delusion, in my mind. It was a heart-breaking thought to think that someone so genuine could turn out to be completely fake. Someone so caring could turn out to just be a show-off, but knowing the world now, I wasn’t so sure who to believe anymore. Still, the soft corner of my heart- although it hadn’t become completely mush- didn’t harden like clay whenever I heard his voice, or had a small glance at him.

It was perhaps the trigger which led me to setting an involuntary boundary between myself and him. Us. The word always was so ambiguous whenever I thought back on it. Most of the time I refuse to let myself think upon it, but whenever I do, the thoughts are nothing but muddled. Dubbing the label of a romance relationship seems to degrade our relationship while the label of a friendship seems to devalue what we actually have. Albeit I wasn’t the kind to show it, but to me, what we have is something that my lexicon seems to be limited for. I never was, and probably never will be, the kind to analyze so much because I don’t think- I just feel and even if I do, I’m not the best at expressing it. You’ve known me for longer than plenty; you should know that by now.

Still, I apologize for all the hurt. All the pain. All the confusion. All those moments that you would like to erase. I apologize for any second with me that you regret.

Because one thing is for sure, that I don’t regret a single one.

Looking Beyond the Surface to Find Something More

2011-05-14T01:23:00.009+04:00

It’s so ironic I’m writing this right now, after now horrible I was feeling a few hours ago. But all that had vanished as I started listening to music. At first, it was the same music- just listening to the kind which helped me escape from my thoughts. Those hyper, incomprehensible songs which just lifted my spirits up almost immediately. Then I started listening to the other kind, moments later, the ones which actually made me think. The gears in my head started moving so quickly, the thoughts kept coming and coming. The beat of the rhythm and the voices—how powerful and /meaningful/ they were—some of them even succeeded in bringing goose bumps to my arms.

Music is rather amazing isn’t it? According to any mood you’re in, it can match with it. (In this case, I’m referring to English music as most people reading this/if any would probably know English songs) You want to be happy, want to start dancing- start listening to songs like Stereo Love or Who’s that Chick. If you want stay in that calming mood, listen to Azure Ray. If you want to listen to something perky of the such, there’s Owl City. If you’re frustrated and want to get it all out, listen to heavy metal or a rock song. If you want something that isn’t too hard and yet is on the rock side, There’s Nickelback. If you want to listen to something inspirational, there’s Pink or What are Words by Chris Medina. If you want to listen to something meaningful, yet rap there’s Eminem and Immortal Technique. No matter where you’re from, no matter what species, race, gender you are, music is the answer to it all.

Which brings me to my next topic. One thing that seems to be rather difficult to achieve in this world now is happiness. As we grow older, it gets harder and harder to achieve—or is it just you? The desires keep rising- wanting a house, wanting a car, wanting a family, wanting money. But before he get started I wanted to make it clear-- wanting to become happier is /not/ a selfish pursuit. Happier individuals are more likely to go out of their way to aid and support others. Second, don’t think that happiness will just /come/ to you. You can create the situation or opportunity. And even with just your thinking, you can be happy. Wanting to be happy isn’t something superficial or shallow- believe it or not—but people would rather opt to go out and take up swimming classes instead. If you think about it, human beings basically only of manipulating the external world; they never stop to examine themselves. Sure, in this ‘fast-paced’ world, who has the time? But if you have the time for yoga, movies, reading and your dancing classes, how can it be so different to put some time aside for yourself?

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

Happiness can mean many things to a person. It can be just a goal in life that they have to accomplish. It can be something that they’ve been yearning for. It can also mean, simply having peace of mind. However, it also depends on whether you’re talking about being happy- as in a state of mind- or having happiness- something that’s more ‘eternal’.

People have claimed that being in their house, copped up for too long tends to make them depressed, passive or bored. They can do other things in that time, to make themselves happy- like listening to music or cleaning the house(if that makes them happy) but generally for people, group activties and socializing tends to bring this happiness. But even if don’t have group activities or aren’t too good at socializing, don’t think that you can’t be happy. People often assume external conditions will change for the better or let chance determine their response. Why not, instead, /you/ change the conditions instead? But of course, for that you have to know what you want.. Bringing us to the next subject…

Here comes the other question-so what about permanent happiness? Is there such a thing in the first place? I had the doubt a couple of times myself, especially after seeing how distressed majority of human beings are because of problems all around the world. I got my answer, moments later. Permanent happiness can be achieved only after attaining Self-realization. I do realize plenty of this all might seem to be so cliché to majority of you guys, but the truth is right there, and yet people chose to ignore and be oblivious to it all. Self-realization can help us understand who we are, which consequently makes us understand what we really want.

Majority of you must be scoffing by now. “Who we are? Of course I know that. I’m (insert name)” But wrong you are. This name is only a title given to identify your body, just as store names such as Care-four and Kroger are given simply to specify the store's presence. Who /you/ really are is what you are beyond those words, beyond all those labels given by you and others. Permanent happiness tends to come from within oneself while temporary comes from other sources- like people and objects.

Now see, I’m not going to bring God into this because not everyone believes in him. There are various thoughts about that concept in the first place and it’s a rather touchy topic, so I’m not even going to go there. However, eternal happiness doesn’t always mean Heaven/religion/God—for that matter. It could just mean being in the state of divine happiness. It depends completely on the belief, thinking process, and understanding of an individual. Divine happiness can be experienced by truly desiring it. It comes from within, when we understand its true meaning and worth. Negative emotions like greed, anger and such suppress this happiness since we’re so caught up in those negative emotions which seem to over take our lives. However, abandoning those negative feelings, seeks and recognizing the goodness in all that’s around you- as hard as that may be. Permanent happiness, enables us to face the ‘wrath’ of the world, every sorrow and misfortune that it attacks us with. It doesn’t mean that you’re oblivious about all that’s surrounding you- that you’re so involved in yourself that you don’t care about anyone else. It only means that you’re strong, in every aspect, so you’re able to tackle those things easier than usual.

All of this simply might seem too good to be true, and you might be saying that all of this is preposterous, but I really have met some amazing people who’ve reached this level of happiness and are blissful to the core. Where, literally, nobody can stop them at any point. No matter where they want to be and what they want to do. And I, of course, want to be in the list someday as well. And I definitely will be!

Now at this point, I’d love to write more about this and I could go on, forever and ever about something like this, but I’ll continue another time surely. Till then, don’t give up on your goal to attaining happiness!

In darkness and desolation fighting for a warm breath

2011-05-02T20:49:00.008+04:00

It’s so strange how people are able to recognize and remember the people who were in the wrong and forget and accuse the people who were right. A genuine person might be curious about you and want to help you. He might be doing all in his power to help you, but to an extent, not to able to tolerate your prejudices and immaturity. And he might have not been able to help you in every possible way because he, too, has a life and other priorities. Does that make him a bad person, a ‘jerk’, a hypocrite? How so-- because if someone understands that, do explain.

Example two. What if there’s another person- a student who tries his/her (let’s stick with her) very best, but even that doesn’t seem enough? And sometimes, she is slightly outspoken due to the circumstances she is put in. Does that mean that the teachers/staff have the right to detain that student and refuse her needs just because her efforts weren’t enough as her full potential wasn’t able to be revealed?

What if a person really has no ulterior motives to getting close to you? What if she really does want nothing from you? Is it that hard to believe? You aren’t perfect, nor that great to be honest. It’s also your mindset and your delusional thoughts that lead you to think so. But in all honesty, especially character wise, I’ve met better. I’m no judge to say that I’m a better person than you, but I know for sure that you aren’t the best. Your words contradict your actions and your thoughts contradict your words. It isn’t that hard to be yourself, as long as you have some courage. As long as you’re in the one who’s in right-- who can put you down and accuse you of being in the wrong?

We’re hardly mature, grazing at the age of 18, but that doesn’t mean that we’re stupid either. Long gone were the times were crayons were broken instead of hearts and erasers were lost instead of friendship. Therefore, I hope with all my heart that you get exposed, someday, to the fact that there are bigger things in this world than just you and your problems.

Missed Connections

2011-05-02T19:30:00.009+04:00

I couldn’t figure out the reason why I stopped writing and I still can’t. It wasn’t because I knew that there were people out there reading (-waves to invisible readers-) and judging me. It wasn’t because I had no time either. Perhaps it was because I couldn’t find a point in it. ‘What’s the point anymore?’ That phrase has always gotten me nowhere in life and it even managed to deviate me from something I really liked doing- writing.

So as to overcome that ridiculous, completely pointless thought I’m going to resume writing here. I’m not going to force myself anymore, but I’m not going to stop myself either. Even if people are judging me, if they don’t want to come out and say it, it’s their fault. Even if I’m incapable of letting out my thoughts by a mere keyboard, I shall try to do whatever I can because I’ve realized that I’ve never gained anything by giving up the things I liked doing. Which also included sketching, socalizing, skating-- and things of the sort.

Granted, it might not be the best time for me to do so considering the fact that in a few days my final exams are coming up, but when’s there a ’right’ time for anything really? I’ve been pondering on plenty of thoughts- the same thoughts- for the past few months and they continuously replay through my head, not allowing me to make a firm decision about what, indeed, I’m going to be doing in the near future.

For a person like me to be stumped over such a thing is strange because I loved taking risks, chances and doing what I wanted, but what changed in the midst of these years that I haven’t been able to take a firm decision? Perhaps it was the fact that one decision, which was made 3 years ago, changed my life in a not-so-happy way and I refuse to let that happen again. That probably is the reason, yes. But that shouldn’t stop me; not at all. I can’t predict what’s going to happen to me in the future, so why am I hesitant? Perhaps it’s because I know that one mistake of mine will continue to be emphasized over for years, taunting me every day of my life. Just like how the decision of 3 years ago sometimes still does.

But I want to break that. I wish to start somewhere. Bring home what I can and work to my potential, not letting people and their fake ‘sincerity’ and such get in my way. A person I know told me once. “To get somewhere you have to first start somewhere.” And that’s just what I’m doing to do. Even if things don’t go according to how I want them to go, somehow or the other I’m going to make it through. I know I am and I know I will.

Let's Set This Stage on Fire

2011-01-15T03:04:00.005+04:00

I’m not sure what happened between us. It seemed like when we were apart, things were so much better. Our friendship was better. Once we met, things seemed to have changed. You wanted to be with other people. You didn’t want to talk to me as much. You seemed to want to drift apart and I know that you aren’t stupid- I know that this is all willingly from your side. One thing confuses me though is the reason to all of this. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to let someone else as close either. But I decided that I’m not going to push myself towards that person anymore. Because I care for her, I’m going to give her the space she wants and let her do whatever she wishes. In the end, it’s okay because, I hope that she gets the happiness. Even if it isn’t in our friendship.

What I wouldn’t give to bring us back to what we were. Sure, I was hurt by you, but the feelings that come with those treasuring moments and wonderful times I had with you overtake the pain. Atleast once in a day, I can’t help but make a connection to you, whether it’s subconsciously or not. Whether it’s a small or big one. I just can’t seem to help it. And yet I know that there’s no way that things can get back to normal.Back to how they were before, at least. But things have changed within my heart- that’s for sure. Even if it’s just a bit.

I wish the answer would just come to me. I realize I might have not been trying as hard to find an answer on my own, but what if I never end up finding one? It’s not even about being good enough for it. What if I’m just not suitable for any of it? What if the decision I make ends up putting me in a wrong position? Just like the decision that was made three years ago. Everytime a topic similar comes up, I can’t help think how different it would have been otherwise- if three years ago the decision was different. I only hope that I can continue to find something to look forward to look for in the future. If that one thing is shattered, I just might go out of control-- and not in the best way possible.

On another note, so far, school isn’t too bad, surprisingly. Perhaps it’s wise to mention here that the naptime in school feels awesome as well. Granted, I’m a person who can sleep almost anywhere, but that’s a different story. I guess my theory was right that if I had only taken two subjects- Chemistry and Physics, my life wouldn’t have been as stressful as it is now. Unfortunately, I’m sure that my Biology teacher is bound to come back to class in a week or so. As they say, everything good must come to an end.

Fortunately, this blogpost hasn’t come to an end. Not yet. I’m actually super excited about this coming week. Surprisingly, it’s not because my birthday is coming up. Rather, it’s because of a way sillier reason. The fact that I might get to see a proper India/Sindhi Marriage. True, I did get to see my cousin’s marriage, but some parts of it were pretty different, according to my mother. So, let’s see how it goes. Downfall, however, is the whole desi outfits and girlness? Yeahh, not so appealing, but let’s see how it goes this time around. : )

Lingering Feelings & Tumbling Thoughts

2010-12-30T10:30:00.002+04:00

Too early. Too freaking early in the morning for all these thoughts to be running through my head. Each time I try and successfully escape those thoughts, they try to sneak back in every chance they get. Confronting certain thoughts and people, at this stage, might be a good idea as I would come to a solid decision and finally make up my mind about plenty of things. However, it’s not possible for me to confront certain situations, even if they are lingering feelings which don’t allow me to totally close the chapter. For example, I might have pushed that person away from my life as much as possible because they’re not supposed to be worth it anymore. Because our friendship isn’t what it was and I can’t keep forgiving things like this. No matter how easy it is for me to forgive things and forget them, some things aren’t supposed to be forgotten it seems. But then when I think about our past together, the things we shared, the silly things we had in common- I can’t help but wish to revive those moments and wonder if it was worth losing you. Perhaps it was. Perhaps it was time for me to move on. Even if I’m gone from your life, it shouldn’t make a difference to you because it was bound to happen sooner or later. The only thing is that this all occurred way sooner than I thought it would. But to this date, it still kinda bothers/hurts me that you did that. And it seems like you don't care or feel even the slightest guilty at all.

"Never Make Someone a Priority, When all you are to them is an Option." -Unknown

‘A’ said that there’s no way I could completely forget about you. It’s not a total bummer because all those times with you made me experience things and learn things that I probably wouldn’t have otherwise. Of course, you helped me further emphasize my train of negative thoughts about ‘love’, but it’s okay. However, it can be quite the bummer at times because you’ve clearly moved on with the rest of the girls in your circle, with your oh-so-busy life and with every thing else that continues to keep you on your toes while making me nothing but a mere memory for you. I only wish that the past memories didn’t continue haunting me every time a similar situation came up.

"I never knew it would be this hard to lose someone I never truly had." -A Human Being whose name I cannot find

I had a small hope, I guess, that things would be the same if we met this time as well. I mean it’s always been like that. We’ve hung out for hours, talked endlessly, had plenty of fun and then had a huge break between seeing each other again due to circumstances and whatnot. This time, however, things seemed to be different. Atleast to me, it seemed. I couldn’t place my finger on it exactly but some thing was different. Maybe it was the fact that you’ve changed and are developing into a new person. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve changed and can’t seem to agree with you on everything you say or do even though you’re my friend.I suppose you, as a friend, but i don’t agree with your decision and actions. But i’ve realized, and convinced myself, that no matter how much I care for you that it’s okay as you’re the one who has to face the consequences. Making up excuses just because you want to do something is fine if you really want to do it, but in the end I guarantee you that it’s not going to get you anywhere. But from thinking now, I’ve realized that it’s not you who’s changed or even me. It’s us. The thing we call our ‘friendship.‘

"We've all grown up, and there's no denying that. But it's tough to tell if in that growing up, we've simply grown apart."- Unknown.

Hm. It's sad. The people who are 'unknown' or not famous are the ones whose quotes best matches these situations and hose quotes I totally agree with.I suppose it's not the name that matters in the end anyways.

♠ You don't know what you got, until it's Gone ♠

2010-11-29T23:52:00.007+04:00

Warning: Yes,It is a another rant. Two posts in less than a month, what a miracle, right? Names will not be disclosed here or in reality- I gave enough hints as it is. If you don't care or understand this post(which wouldn't be a surprise to me) skip the post, or do whatever makes you human beings satisfied.

I still get frustrated when I think about him.
All that time I put in, and then it all falls down .. ?
It makes me cringe. I was so stupid.
I know he's changed. I hope he's doing better.
I think things are better now. For him at least.
It wasn’t meant to be. I should have known that.
You and me are finished. I can’t continue.
I’m almost glad I stopped myself in the past.
I don’t want to know what could have happened in the future.
It would have hurt more. Right?
-----------------------------------------------
Was it all just another facade of yours?
You’re getting better by those day by day.
You know you’re flawed, claiming that you don’t know the good in yourself.
All I do is reassure, but now I’m thinking back on my words.
What is friendship to you? Am I just another part of the crowd for you?
The part that spills out their guts to you and gets nothing in return?
The one that tells you what ever is on her mind and then gets talked about behind her back.
By you? If so, I don’t want this anymore. I can keep you as an acquaintance, like before
I can push you back to where you should be. It might hurt a bit.
But I’ll get over it eventually. Maybe you’d be more satisfied then.
Will you be?
------------------------
Judgments on this? I don’t care to be honest.
It’s my space. It’s my own little bubble.
People want to flame, comment, go ahead.
I’d like you to- what can you conjure up?
The others are too intimidated.
But now things are changing.
I need to rise up again. Not for them, but for myself.
In that one sense, I refuse to give them the satisfaction
Of course, they’ll only say things amongst themselves.
Not one has the courage to say it to my face.
Say it to my face. Right this very minute.
I dare you.
-----------------------
I can’t seem to concentrate on my studies. I need to stop taking so many breaks.
I wish to stop my mind from drifting to other topics which linger around in my mind.
I don’t know why these thoughts keep running through them constantly, as if a marathon is occurring and a winner isn’t emerging from there. I keep thinking on and on about endless things- about nothing and everything.
And in a flash, time passes by without me knowing.
Tick tock.
Next thing I know, it’s been two hours since I started writing
-----------------
I want...
A pill to make me numb
A pill to make me dumb
A pill to make me anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save me from myself
(This is the lyrics of a song I heard a while ago. Don't remember it, but it popped into my head while I was writing)

Gotta Bounce and Make Sure the Echoes are Heard Everywhere

2010-11-21T00:32:00.003+04:00

Warning: Yes. It is a mindless rant. Majority of you might not understand it or care due to its error and content. Deal with it. Or just skip the post- even better, no?

There are so many people in the world. Worse than you. Worse than me. The thought is supposed to be reassuring, but it hardly is.Firstly, the thought that other people are worse makes me feel bad because I can’t do anything for them and they probably don’t deserve it. Who deserves such bad in their life after all? Second, the other thought that I’m just sitting here doing absolutely nothing makes me feel even worse. If there’s something wrong, something bad, I should be trying to do something about it right? So why am I not? Why am I letting the past discourage me once again? Why are all these excuses popping up in my head? Why am I allowing everything to distract me from what I should be wanting to do and what I really should be doing? So what, if in the past, things haven’t worked out exactly how I’ve wanted them to? Atleast they’ve been not totally hopeless right? At least they’ve been somewhat good because I put some effort- something into it. At least things weren’t, and haven’t been completely utterly and totally useless. It’s because I tried. I fought. I didn’t back down.

Why am I here anyways? Being the way I am now. This isn’t me. What happened to all that willpower? So what if the motivation left. What happened to all that spirit and that fighting power? Was it that weak? Internally, I refuse to believe that because then this wouldn’t be me. What happened to all that stubborn-ness. That hard hearted-ness. It doesn’t just disappear like this. How could I let it all go to waste. It’s been more than four years. You don’t let stuff like that just disappear. All this, sitting around, moping or even complaining. It doesn’t suit me at all, so has it become a part of me already? Is it too late to eradicate it from within myself? I’m not a person like that. I don’t want to become a person like that. so why am I getting spoiled and allowing myself to get like that? Just staring at the walls, the laptop screen and not letting anyone or anything affect me. Being totally indifferent to all. That’s not like me at all. What has happened? Whatever it is, I dont like it at all.

I’ve gotta roll back to the beginning. Roll back to how things were. Whether it be reserved or not, I don’t care about them but I gotta care about it.

A Not-So Small, Yet Small Gap

2010-11-07T21:40:00.009+04:00

It's like no matter how much the attempt, you can't get the feeling out from your mind and heart. No matter how much you try to divert your attention away from those thoughts, they keep creeping back onto your mind. Just a weekend was enough for the gist of the feeling to spark- imagine if the separation goes on for weeks and years.. to the extent that it's face would be blurry in my memory- to the extent that I would have lost a friend without even the realization moment hitting me. Was it a friendship in the first place or a relationship of convenience- the question strikes once again. Was it possible for one person to deceive the entire batch into thinking that they were best friends, or even more? Perhaps so, or maybe people just saw the surface of it all. Not what was under those layers, beneath the broken smiles and lifeless eyes.

To Be That Plastic, Barbie Is Probably The Best Role-Model. And She’s Not Even Real or Animate.

2010-10-07T01:03:00.005+04:00

I don’t like people who degrade or insult their friends in front of others. Even if I had to correct you or insult you, I wouldn’t do it in front of everyone else because their image of you would be lowered. I believe that friends and family have similar points in plenty of ways. I mean when you’re talking about your family to other people, you wouldn’t expose all of their flaws and their issues, would you? It’s pretty much the same case when it comes to friends, according to me. Why do you have to insult your friends in front of others anyways? To show that you know your friends better than others? To lower the standards of what other people think of your friends? To higher the mental standard of what other people think of you?

So it’s not like I don’t want to be all active and social, but if it means being like them, no thank you. I’m the kind who can’t compromise her morals for anything. Flattering adults endlessly. Being overfriendly to people of the opposite gender. Pretending to be interested and hanging onto every word an acquaintance says so intently. Plastering a smile on your face and making sure that it remains that way the entire day regardless of the actual state of your emotions and heart. I’m sorry, but there’s no way I can do all of that and debase my true self that badly. To me, it just seems absolutely senseless and idiotic for someone to compromise their true self, personality or mindset just because-they want to be friends with everyone, want people to ‘follow’ them and be on their side or want to be a people pleasure.

Which brings me to my next point. I really don’t understand how people can fake their way through everything. Even though they’re miserable and depressed inside, they smile like fools pretending that everything is okay when it’s definitely not. How stupid indeed. Do they think that just because they pretend to be happy that they’re actually going on be happy later on- that things are actually going to be all dandy at the end? If so, many people out there are quite delusional. They’re clearly living in a fairytale world because things do not work that way- not in reality at least. What’s the point of smiling from the outside if you’re gloomy from the inside anyways? It's not like it's going to make you internally feel any better.

Because it’s not just all about you

2010-09-27T23:07:00.002+04:00

So I disliked my last blog post, a lot. It just didn’t seem to personify me at all- like how my blog posts usually tend to. That fact irritated me to such an extent that I was even tempted to delete my last post, but I forced myself not to do such a thing. For now at least.

School hasn’t been the greatest experience in the world, but I’m learning how to deal with it. It’s hard to believe that just in 2.5 months of not seeing some people, they’ve changed so much. And not all that change is exactly good. Some people have become more distant, others more selfish. Some so caught up in their world of ‘popularity’, seeming to prioritize socializing and popularity over their real friends. It’s sad actually. Very sad. Confronting those people or questioning those people would have been quite a good idea, I thought at first, but then should I really be the one to tell them so? Should people, at the age of 18, be so oblivious to the fact that they’re changing in a negative way or drifting away or being absolutely stupid? And also, who am I to point out everything to them- about what happened to them, their change, the different personality that I’m now seeing in them? Sure, I’m supposed to be his/her good/close friend, but to pinpoint so much just seems to be rather selfish and a bit too reprimanding. Hello—try to grow up and not be so oblivious in your own little, fake happy world which you’re trying to make seem so flawless and filled with absolute joy.

I’m not saying that I’m completely the same of how I was 3 months ago because things have happened this summer to change parts of my viewpoints and my mindset. But to say that I’ve undergone a huge change- especially a totally bad one is a wrong statement. People usually deny when they’re accused of something or when their negative points are pointed out but I wouldn’t do such a thing—much. I understand that it’s human nature to do so because who wants to hear their faults and flaws spoken aloud? But still, I personally find it impractical to deny such a thing when that’s what I actually am or when it really is my fault.

So change is inevitable- it’s something that happens whether we like it or not, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t mould it in a way which would be positive for us and our live. Of course we can do that. The only difference is that some people are too thick to notice that things around them are changing and they’re changing—and I’m not talking about a positive change either. And sometimes, it can get quite irritating and yet we’re forced to put up with those people or situations. How sad.

Go! Go! Feel the Power Which Is Locked Within You.

2010-09-22T00:12:00.001+04:00

Looking back on my old blog posts always tends to bring a smile on my lips as I compare them to how things are now. How things have changed, how situations have changed and how I have changed. I'm not the kind who walks into the room and blares out that she has changed, but I know internally that I'm in the transition state of that and I've already changed in plenty of ways. Of course, some negative and some positive.

I believe that every thought we think is creating our future. Each one of us creates out experiences by our thoughts and our feelings. The thoughts we think and the words we speak create our experiences. We create the situations and then we give our 'power' away by blaming the other person for our frustration or emotion. It might be just a small idea or thought, but once it's there. It's there. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed, fully understood. That sticks in your head and refuses to get out until get it out in some form-whether it's verbally or physically.

One of the revelations being, after going through a few things in life. We’re not prisoners of walls, we’re prisoners of our own fears. And that type of captivity is much worse. We can’t even imagine how we could break free. All we know is that we’re facing an obstacle we can’t overcome. We take that obstacle for granted, we accept it, we even think we deserve it. By shame, by guilt or by social pressure. Until we can’t stand it anymore and take the courage to kill our own fears. Every time you kill one of your fears, something will go away from you too. Hopefully, the negative part of it-- like the guilt or depression that's dragged along with the fear. So don't just say "I can't"or "it's too hard"-- why to get over it. Try to kill and overcome that fear and obstacle. You're not the only one in the world going through it.

So, I played four of my most favorite Japanese songs with headphones on and listened to them while singing along. It felt fantastic, to say the least. Surprisingly, although I hadn't heard the three songs in a really long time, I managed to sing the words and pronunciations almost perfectly while taking a glance at the romanji lyrics here and there. Especially when it came to this one song which used to be my absolute favorite song from all the Asian languages there are existent though. Singing that song did not only make me feel happy, but peaceful and wonderful. For some reason, when it comes to these songs, it doesn't matter whether I haven't a clue what the singers are singing about in particular. The tone of their voice, the way their voice flows over the words and the pronunciations of certain things-- it's like you don't need to even have a translator to understand the emotions and what they're trying to portray by the song. It's marvellous.

Never Back Down Because The Hurdles Are Higher Than Your Physical Height- They're Never Too High For Your Internal Strength.

2010-08-24T02:55:00.003+04:00

Hey guys. So, I’ve been kinda stuck in my head lately. And it’s not always that fun. And it’s getting insane. I’ve pretty much been consumed by the internet, for the past 3 months. I feel like I’m just losing time- have no idea how time’s going by like this. In June, I had preoccupied myself with going out as much as I could. In a way, I was escaping everything that I shouldn’t have escaped, but it was alright because it was satisfactory. And I don’t regret it. In July, I toned down my outings and tried to be with my family more, but I didn’t spend at much time in my thoughts like I should have. But anyhoo- that’s beside the point. I wanted to blog today considering it’s been a while. So here I am now.

So. I try to avoid sleeping. Perhaps it’s because it’s a habit or maybe it’s because I think that if I sleep, I’ll be wasting my summer vacation. I mean otherwise I could be watching another episode of a series, chatting with a friend, reading a book—doing something. However, sleep is necessary. What I’ve realized though, is that I love sleeping, but going to sleep is something that’s definitely not on my list of ‘happiest things to do’—not that there is a genuine list in the first place.

Raksha Bandhan is tomorrow. For those who don’t know what is it, it’s a hindu festival which basically celebrates the relationship between brothers and sisters. The festival is marked by a sister tying a holy thread called a rakhi, to the brother’s wrist. The brother, in return, offers his sister money or a gift and says that he’ll protect her and all (whatever he wants to really). And the sister gives the brother sweets—mainly methai(which are Indian sweets). And he feeds her some too, traditionally. So the thing is that we celebrate it every year and all, so it’s usually pretty cool, but the thing is that I’m slightly more excited for it this year because it’ll be the first year in plenty that both my brothers will be here with me. Granted, my older brother shall only be there till the afternoon as he has other things to attend to, but his presence—for a few hours even—is satisfactory enough for me.

So I was thinking this a few days ago- like 1-2 days ago actually, considering I went to Diyafah for admission and things didn’t work out there. Considering the grades I got in my AS level examinations (which would have made an extremely depressing blog post) I’m not all too sure whether I’ll get admission into my current school . Now see, I would like admission into my current school because life would be more convenient for me. Granted, my teachers would be all disappointed at me, but that’s a different story. So what if I don’t get admission into my current school. Then what? Obviously, my life shaln’t be over. I could do all my subjects privately (although it would be quite demotivating and enhance my laziness) or I could take up a fulltime job for one year somewhere and earn some money. Both options seem to be more tempting than just rotting at home, don’t they? Of course they do because I’ll actually be somewhat productive if I chose to do any of those. So, yes, my life won’t be over.. But I’d still prefer if I got admission in my other school.

So yeah, that’s it for today basically. I did have plenty to write about considering I hadn’t updated in like quite a while, but because of the time, I think I shall continue on another time. After all, I'm supposed to wake up early tomorrow so that I could have a head start on things.

What Do I Do When The Broken Wind Vane Can No More Show Me The Directions?

2010-06-27T00:44:00.004+04:00

This post is technically for the 24th or 25th of June but I didn't have access to a computer at that time, so I just jotted this one a piece of paper. I thought it'd be nice to transfer it over here, to my blog. After all, that’s what my blog is for, right? My thoughts, my emotions, my rants- basically everything that’s mine. I wanted to put a banner up here stating that people who take offence should probably not read my blog, but I’ll probably just do that another time. And yes, I take no credit for the title this time since Naina made it for me, considering that my creative juices are extremely low at the moment.

If you have friends who don’t understand you or the situation, what’s the point of having them? I cancelled the plans I had with one because I needed to go out with family. That person should understand, but instead, in return, I receive a hate SMS while that very person ignores my calls and messages. I tried. I honestly did in every manner that I possibly could. It was then that realization moment struck me. I’m better than that. Why should I bow down so much, to the extent that it’s easy for someone to kick me down again? What I was before, when I arrived at this country, was an amazing person with tons of optimism, hope and light. Now things are different, I realize that. However, I still want to keep a huge piece of my true self intact. I refuse to throw away my prioritizes or give away my true self just to fit in or be cool. Why should I anyways? So then I figured that it’s his loss because I’m absolutely sick of this.

And then, it was her. I thought that maybe she could understand and help me out a bit. Things were going haywire over here, but I was never the one to holler out for help—well, rarely. So I sent a simple text message to her to help me with a task. Instead of a “how are you” or “are you okay” or anything of that sort, as a reply, I merely received a declination. I thought she, from all the people, could realize something was wrong from the vocabulary/words I had used in the message, but perhaps I was expecting too much in the end after all.

There were two more incidents that occurred as well- two incidents I wasn’t expecting to occur. The whole thing made me rethink things a little bit more. Do I even have any genuine friends after all? What is the meaning of genuine? Am I expecting too much from this country? Am I expecting too much from human beings? Is it possible to get what I want anymore? Am I started to become too selfish? Should I even bother anymore? So many questions of which I have yet to find the answer for.

It's easy to be oblivious. The easy way out doesn't work. Open your eyes.

2010-05-26T21:19:00.003+04:00

I’m starting to lose hope in myself because of the way my papers have been progressing so far. There’s no point of saying that they’ll eventually get better because they’re not getting any better. Infact, they’re probably just getting worse. I’ve had most of my papers by now and every single one of them has been awful- if not worse. Ironic part is that I was expecting the first four to be the best of the 9 papers I’m taking because in general, those 4 were not too bad. But, no. This year..things just had to change.

So imagine what’s going to be happening to me when it comes to the remaining 3 of my papers- which are already difficult papers as it is. The thought terrifies me- especially since there’s hardly anytime between these exams and hardly any time to study for them.

See, I had time between my first and second paper, so I had time to recover from the horribleness of the paper and move on, but I had physics paper 1 on the 19th which was supposed to be good( and it wasn’t even close to that) so all I could do was hope that on the 20th, my chemistry paper 3 would go better, but NOO. That one had to go and be screwed up as well. Sure, I finished all my experiments, but the calculations were impossible for me to do as I hadn’t the faintest ideas of how to do them. And of course, my graph was SO weird and I was SO paranoid about them that I thought that I did it wrong and left it blank in the end. And guess what? It turned out that the awkward graph was apparently right. And then the anion test—well, I just HAD to mess up in that too, didn’t I? Well, what could I do? Carbonate was SUPPOSED to be present, but good ol’ me got absolutely no effervescence. And don’t say I didn’t try or pay attention because I repeated that very experiment three entire times.

And stupidly, everywhere you were supposed to put ‘ppt’, for cation, I put ‘solution’ as I wasn’t in the right phase of mind—clearly. Needless to say, I really messed up. So when I returned back home from school, I was fuming with anger because this girl who bawled her eyes out got 20-35 extra minutes apparently, just because she tried and claimed that her experiment wasn’t “working” and the teacher had pity of her. Oh. What.Ever. I’m /so/ sorry that I can’t fake cry like those people. I don’t have those type of wondrous skills!

Upon that, I felt extremely irritated because people who finished the paper or who did really well were still complaining about their paper—about three-four petty marks. I mean seriously! It irks me to no end. I just feel like telling them to get over themselves. And these people who were complaining were the kind who always,somehow, end up getting “A”s in the end.

Oh, and the physics paper. I thought it was okay. It wasn’t that great because I found out many things, at the end, which I never knew about. I mean constants have units? Gradient has a unit—wait whaat? So I was a bit confused, but besides that, I thought it was okay. That was, until. I came out of my centre and we started discussing about it. It turned out that almost every single one of my answers varied from my classmates’. What a confidence booster, eh? Sure, George told me that if you have the working right and all that, then you’ll still get the marks, but really? How can that even be possible when most of my answers are totally different from other people. Funny thing is that I haven’t a clue of what I actually did wrong because I checked most of my working. Twice.

Today too, I had my biology paper 1 and it went horrible. Seriously, I’m beginning to sink in this mode where I’m just like ‘what’s the point anymore’ because really- what is? I mean I studied hard, I truly did and I did every single one of the question papers which were available to me, but it seemed like there was still no point. Because guess what? In the end, the paper sucked. It was horrible. And of course, there were these handful of people who I can count off who were simply complaining (before AND after the paper) that they were sure to get bad marks and that they were completely unprepared for such a paper. Yeah. Right. Give me a break already.

I’m not trying to be overdramatic or anything because I’m honestly /not/. But you see, when you actually try really hard, study a lot, do whatever you can in your capacity and then these are the results you get? Well, you automatically start to feel really down. And more than feeling depressed—although the feeling of being down in the dumps IS there, I’m just extremely frustrated at myself.

And now, I have the predicted, worst, papers coming up.

Let’s see. Let’s see. How much worse can I do? Not much right? Considering all that’s been done.

But wait. Let’s not ask that question still. Or come to a conclusion because I think I can prove you wrong with how much worse things could still go considering it’s me you’re talking about.

Blurry Memories; Soon To Be Forgotten

2010-04-26T23:41:00.002+04:00

Even though the post yesterday wasn’t all that cherry and all, I just felt so amazing to write once again. It was almost how good I felt when I listen to music continuously. Almost. One thing I’ve realized though is that my writing skills have been abated a lot, and I’m not over-exaggerating at all. If I compare my previous writings and such to how I write how, it’s simply pathetic, but I won’t ponder upon that too much. The reason for me to blog isn’t only to improve my writings, it’s also to splatter out the thoughts on this website- the thoughts that I haven’t a chance to confess or blurt out to anyone. It’s for those thoughts and opinions that I want to share with people and perhaps not share with some other people.

So, I confess. There are these times where I think about you. It’s a very rare time since I know that there’s no point about thinking about you anymore, but sometimes I just can’t help it. It was you that pushed me to talk to him after all. It was you that insisted that we would be the perfect couple after all. I can still remember all those things that you told me. Even though /he/ had broken your heart, you had insisted that I was the one who could understand him and who was like him. I was the one who could complete him and stand by him. Even though there were 7000 miles separating us, you said that if we actually talked to each other, something would click. And also, you had even thought of how our childish would look like. Foolishly, you had even gone so far as to check if our horoscopes matched with each other! And surprisingly? They matched. According to the stars and you, we were perfect for each other. According to reality and logic, we weren’t. Even while I talk to him now, even if it is only a couple of times here and there, I think of all the things you said and scoff. I was right and you were wrong, but guess what? I’m not disappointed because even if I get close to him, just as a friend, it’ll be enough because more than anything, I know that he needs someone genuine in his life. And what actually is sad is the fact that I know that I can’t be that one for him.

On another note, my exams are starting soon. Yeah, I should really look at my timetable once again. Right now Im putting off revision- or studying-(for the most part) because it’s quite difficult and irritating. It’s actually quite ironic in a way because each time I sit down with my books, I realize I am way behind my imaginary schedule and then I put it off even longer because I don’t know where to start from or how to dive into my textbooks and portion. And trust me, if you took Chemistry and Biology, you’d be almost in the same position where I am right now. Of course, it’s not that I don’t feel guilty about not studying and stuff. The guilt is lingering right behind me, just like a shadow and following me everywhere, but it’s the fear that’s consuming me up as a whole. Apart from that, I’ve noticed that when I’m studying, I go into this staring phase where I just keep looking at something—yes, even the wall—for a really long time. Strange thing is that I realize that I’m doing it and just don’t stop. It can be anything. From the wall, to a pencil or even a mirror. My train of thoughts start, and then don’t stop, as soon as my eyes are set on a particular object. Which is, honestly, a terrible thing cosidering the time I have till my finals.

Perfection; Being Destroyed Into Dust and Sand.

2010-04-26T00:48:00.001+04:00

I was astonished- with eyes widen open, eyebrows being raised up and a confused expression on my face. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing. The person who I thought was oh-so-decent and actually a genuinely nice guy was actually acting that way. I understand the fact that the two are friends and everything, but it was clear on her face that she was uncomfortable with you touching her in any manner, so why did you keep trying? It wasn’t all that discreet, honest because I was able to tell and I wasn’t even trying to pay any attention to you. She had even thanked me, in a whisper, from saving her from you. I mean you know that she has a boyfriend and they’re completely and totally loyal to each other. I mean honestly, I don’t even think that you like her more than a friend, especially under the circumstances you’re under. But seriously? I mean how can you actually promise me one thing and then go the other girl and promise her the exact same thing? Obviously, that’d make me a bit worried, right? Because you making that promise to me is way more important, but you didn’t think so since you just shrugged it off.

But there was a huge burden that just got lifted off my shoulders today. It’s as if, when the room was engulfed in darkness, a spark of light was lit and it spread throughout the entire room. Realization dawned upon me, it seemed. All of that, whatever it was. The affection, the wanting, the craving, the thinking and the pondering. It was all just because I honestly cared about you to heart because I thought you were way worth my time. Because you could have actually lasted longer with me than some of my acquaintances or other friends, but it’s the same. You’re just same as the rest of them- a wolf hidden in sheep’s clothes. Except, with 2 layers of sheep skin so that nobody can really tell the difference unless they truly know all the sides of you. Perhaps I’m being overdramatic and over-exaggerating, but it was all just so different. Don’t get me wrong because I can take it very well if you joke around, fool around, play about, prance around and act stupid, but are you sure that’s all you were trying to do?

It’d actually be quite hilarious if you read this post and identified it as yourself. Infact, I think you’d be quite hurt for me thinking about you like this, but I just can’t help it. Perhaps it’s because of the mood I’m in or because of my failure of observation skills or perhaps I just misinterpreted the whole thing honestly.

Refusing To Get Caught In the Spider's Web

2010-04-17T02:30:00.003+04:00

“I’m hoping for the best for you because you’re my friend.”
I know.

“Stop going on facebook or whatever’s distracting you.”
I understand.

“Start a little at a time and work yourself up the ladder.”
I get it.

It really does make sense and I know it, but it feels like whatever I say now seems like nothing but an excuse, but what do I do? That really is the case. I’m lazy. I hardly feel like trying anymore because when I try, nothing good comes out of it. When the moment is good and when I start having hope, things get scattered. The small bits and pieces of my memory get lost and then I’m back in square one, where I started.

So apparently now, whenever I rant or whenever I ramble—and whenever it concerns myself, it’s called whining. And apparently, whenever I think about things that don’t concern sunshine and rainbows, I’m wallowing. Uh huh. Are you serious? If you don’t want to hear me speak or ramble or rant, who’s asking you to? You can just tell me in the beginning, or cut me off and tell me the truth.

I want to write never-endingly. I want to just spill out everything and anything. The problem, now, is not that I don’t have the words to do such a thing. The thing is that I don’t know where to start. I might not even have the time to do such a thing. I just don’t know. And sometimes, I’ll admit, I don’t have the words because sometimes it’s just all so hard to express in the vocabulary that I know.

Realization dawned on me today as I was sitting in the front seat of the car. Unintentionally or intentionally, I don’t know, I’ve been avoiding that place because it’s the place where those old memories easily come seeping back into my mind. I’ve been making sure to go everywhere except that place it seems just so that I don’t have to remember him again. I’ve been avoiding listening to those slow, melodious hindi songs because they reminded me of him. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not hung up on the guy. I don’t even have a crush on him if that’s what you think because these infatuations are silly, useless little things. However, those memories are something that just tend to irritate me sometimes because in a way or two, he managed to diffuse through my not-so-permeable walls for a few months before things got a bit too concentrated and I had to throw him out. Not that he was complaining really. I know that makes me sound all bitter and such, but I didn't exactly throw him out. It's more like circumstances were such that he just had to make a temporarily exit from my life. But did I know that it was going to be temporarily? No. I almost made the same mistake when the year of 2009 started with another person, but then I caught myself after a while because I refused to do something wrong again.

Which reminds me. God. When I got that message from her, after almost a year now, I was so stumped. I refreshed the page because I didn’t believe it. Honestly. I was completely flabbergasted since I was expecting to be forgotten forever, but no. I guess not. So I did what I usually would have done and I replied back. I wonder how much she’s planning to mess around with me now. And I still miss her. What an idiot I am.

So, don’t mind it. This post was just bits and pieces from my “wonderful” mind and it doesn’t flow at all. But oh well. I did want to write more too, but then in the process of writing this much, the rest of what I wanted to write flew out of my brain, sadly.

With Eyes Sparkling, Cheeks Glowing and Blood Pressure Rising . . .

2010-04-02T20:28:00.002+04:00

Just a little something that I wrote yesterday. It's not exactly a poem, but it's not exactly a rant. And no. It is not an April Fool's joke. Just incase you think so, from the words below. Simply something that I was 'inspired' to write, one could say.

Your eyes show me your emotions so clearly
Your voice fails to betray the emotions of your heart

I wanted to hug you. I wanted to hold you hand.
I wanted to tell you that things will be okay.
.. that I'm there for you.

i wanted to see you smile..
Is it that bad? Is it that weird..

that I really wanted to tell you that I'm there with you no matter what?
You say there might not be another one for you out there
and that your expectations are too high..
I wish you could have trusted my judgement about her
You wouldn't have had to suffer so much..
that when I see you in pain that it hurts me.
There was a prick inside of me after you admitted the truth to me..
I felt really happy about your confession but my heart went out to you..
I hope it returned.
I really do.
I really can't afford this.
I can't afford to get screwed.

Snap the Elastic Limit, Crack those Straightforward Emotions and Shatter the Ideal Image

2010-01-31T18:29:00.006+04:00

You know what? It wasn’t even worth it. It was just wastage of my emotions and time. I know it was meant to just keep me preoccupied so that my mind wouldn’t float to unnecessary things that would be sure to bring me down. However, they simply succeeded in raising my blood pressure, frustration and irritation. Today was just like a “FML” day. Seriously. From the moment I touched the school grounds (no exaggeration here, folks) till the moment that I heard the bell for the sixth period to begin. Nothing was going right; nothing at all. So now what? I was trying; trying to hard to not let things get to me, but it was just so difficult.

Excuse me, but just because you’re jobless and stupid doesn’t give you the right to blabber whatever you want. Just because I have manners and am taught to be nice to everyone doesn’t mean I am to put up with whatever you throw at me. Nuh uh. I learned my lesson, thank you very much. No matter the physical or verbal abuses, you won’t learn your lesson. I forgot; you don’t know the meaning of manners and sense in the first place and, you know what? I refuse to teach you such a thing. Heck, the energy that I wasted on you could have been used for something more productive instead and I almost regret even bothering with you. Sometimes, it is quite the disadvantage-concentrating on the good points of a person, that is. Why? Because in the end, they turned out to be nothing but obnoxious jerks; both of them.

I am busy; things are going absolutely haywire over here, but that’s no excuse for me to stoop down to their level and I absolutely refuse to do such a thing. Especially since I know for a fact that I’m better than them. Just because their ideal person might be skinny like a stick, intelligent like Einstein or tall as a tower-it doesn’t mean I have to be upto that standards because my own standards are way beyond them and I cross them fine. Thank you very much.

So, you know what? Forget you. I don’t really care anymore. I have my own little square and I’m satisfied with it. I’m sick of giving chances to people like you because I know what will happen in the end. You just want a reaction, don’t you? I’ll give you one. Just watch, you lot of imbeciles.I'll do just the opposite. You want a reaction. I'll give you an action. You want me to care? Well, newsflash! I don't and never will.

Attitude determines altitude, so screw you :]

‘ey! Hey, Hey Shawty! It's Your Birthday!

2010-01-29T02:15:00.003+04:00

Yes, you heard it right. No, not that I'm /short/ or anything. But rather that it’s my birthday! Sure, it’s almost over (it being 11:35pm and all), but that won’t change the fact that I’m officially seventeen now. Yep, the one and the seven being smashed together to make a two-digit number. Of course it doesn’t feel any different, but it usually doesn’t feel any different. However, I know that I’m to supposedly be more responsible and mature now. After all, the more of those 365 days you live, the more things are placed on your shoulder, but it’s okay because life goes on. It’s another sign that you’re growing up and that things are changing.

I know things are changing. I look back at the events that took place 365 days ago and can’t help but smile. It was so different back then. All girls together. Most of them knowing about the day. Loud singing. Distribution of chocolate. Organization. Surprises. Unexpected calls. However, this year was different: disorganized, yet quite fun. Hardly any few, but it was okay. I’d rather have those genuine few than the whole horde of fake ones. I don’t need them. Expectations not being met up. Things that weren’t being expected happened. Food- junk food. Lots of it was included today. It was eventful- at school at least.
So I was supposed to paste up those two paragraphs you see above on my birthday itself, but I didn’t exactly get a chance to. Now, I start this third pargraph on the actual date it posts here- January 29th(At least that’s what it is where I live). As you would have guessed, January has been an extremely eventful month for me. To be honest, this year itself has been flying way too fast. Many people keep emphasizing on the fact that they can’t wait until July and until they graduate from their school and get to university. For some reason, I can’t agree with most of the crowd when it comes to something like this. Perhaps it’s because of the indecisiveness of majors or universities. Or maybe it’s just because I want to cling onto these memories and times and not let them go so quickly, but it’s not like I really have a choice now do I? Time waits for nobody; not you or me.

So my new year’s “resolution” of posting a blog entry every week didn’t work out, but it’s alright. It just seems like I haven’t had any time to gather all of my thoughts as a whole anyways. Honestly. My thoughts and mind feels like it’s scattered here, there and everywhere I can think of. A brief of what’s going on there just at this very moment- at almost 2 in the morning. Universities. Marketing. AIDA. Majors. Phone call. Random tune. Writing. School. Chemistry. Product. Stage. Members. Useless people. Unpunctual people. Middlesex university. India. Work. Tuitions. Catching up. Throwball. Starting to study. Religion. Sleep. Energy drink.
Yeah, but of course- those are only the things at the top of my head. If I want to think even deeper into what’s actually lurking inside my mind- I’ll go mad or get a headache; I want to stay away from such a thing at the moment.

So, I am going to face them. I’m going to face it. I can do it. Why in the world not? First part, it’s on a stage. Plus, it’s been ages since I tried and the fear is just within my mind anyways. Just count to ten in my mind and breathe; I’m sure I can do it. As for the second part, I can tolerate them because they’re humans too. Just because I have more preference over one kind than the rest does not mean that I hate the other kind. Because I don’t. That’s just lame and it puts me in the same category as these other stupid people- of where I refuse to be. Third part is probably the hardest [as it has to do with my /life/] and I’ve been procrastinating on this for exactly a month and one day now. I just don’t know how to put it into words when I pick up the phone and hear /his/ voice. What am I supposed to say? What if he starts accusing me? What if my tiny hopes get shattered too? As it is, I’m keeping them as low as I can because of what I was told yesterday. Keep your opinions, eh? I’m not blind, nor stupid. Just because one person doesn’t confront me doesn’t mean the other person won’t. This isn’t school, hon. This is reality. Forget the hopes too; it’s okay. It’ll happen. It will work. I will talk. I will see. I will make the decision. I will figure it out. I will sort things out. And right now, that's more important than anything. Almost anything, that is.

Because I’m me.

If I can’t do it for me. Who will?

Peace Is All That I Wanted But I All I Got Were Howling Voices And Loud Rapping At the Door

2009-12-29T20:40:00.008+04:00

Things are easier said than done, aren’t they? But sometimes those words are strong enough to make you believe the impossible and believe even those mere lies that drip out of one’s mouth. However, those words sometimes just aren’t genuine and can put you down. Some people think that reverse psychology can bring you everything. That if I put you down, you’ll rise up. Newsflash! It doesn’t work that way- not always at least.

Sure, in the next 10 years, I might not be in touch with the same friends and I might not have the same people with me, but I know that there are these handful of people which I wouldn’t want to let go so easily. Not for the reason that I’m attached to them or anything because it’s rather hard for me to do something like that. It’s rather, because I know that with our percentage of compatibility, it’d be hard for me to find someone like that around anywhere. And the trust I have in those handful [3-4] of people- perhaps I wouldn’t share the same relationship with anyone else for a long time. However, if one of those three people thinks that there’s no point of a friendship and they’re only going to be there temporarily, why should I even bother? Isn’t that like them telling me that they’re only indirectly using me? Why do such a pathetic thing? Why even bother thinking so far in the future? If you and me were meant to carry on our bond and if we try at it- why think that it’s going to end so early? Heck, why think about it ending at all? Thinking about the future is perfectly fine, but to such an extent? Why must we all be so obsessed with it- trying to analyze and find out about every speck of it?

So, I wanted to become a psychologist. Or become a psychiatrist. How this dawned upon me? Besides the fact that I’m extremely fascinated with the human kind, it was probably because of all the mess and confusion and questions that people and my mind has been bringing me. Now see, I can listen to someone, I can advice them and I can be patient with them. Whether it’s a small problem or whether it’s a large one, I can probably help a person out. And even if I can’t, I’ll make myself to help them out. I don’t exactly follow the same style as others- as in just preaching pointlessly or preaching in such an idealistic way of which the real world would scoff at, but I know the difference between the right and wrong of the universe and my own right and wrong. A psychiatrist? Well, I realize that many people have problems in such where it just can’t be cured instantly or with words. What they need is more than just consultancy, they need to be medicated. However, many people call these psychiatrist the lunatic doctors, which is- partially true. Yet, it seems like my decision isn’t exactly supported. I mean how did it go from intensive medicine to doctor to this after all. It isn’t supported- not by my parents because they’re fine with it- for the most part. It’s something else. So, I realize that, but now what? I can’t just run after it. There’s a barrier blocking me. A huge one. And the longer I wait, the more the barrier is growing.

Ah, life used to be much easier once one just goes along with it and decides to flow along with the rest of the fishes in the world. But then, once I started trying to figure things out and piecing things together—once I started trying to connect each piece together to make one giant puzzle, things started becoming insane. Ah, the happiness of being oblivious. The bliss of not knowing. The bliss of not caring and just being so free. The happiness of just going with it. The happiness of not bothering with things or concerning yourself with others. But now, it’s all gone. Things have changed. It’s not fun anymore. If only my mind was in the right place- if only it wasn’t all over the place. They’re all so selfish, so utterly selfish and stupid. I should have guessed before shouldn’t I have? I tried to stay on the bright side though- having some hope in this thing people call humanity, but where it is nowadays? Only within those handful of people that contribute to the population. I’ve seen them though and somehow, I can’t help but keep this hope within me.

I can’t help but wonder a few things. Was it really a miracle? How can they- or even you say it was when you worked so hard towards it? Don’t say you didn’t. I saw your sagging face everyday. I heard your gloomy voice on the phone. I knew you were sleep deprived for months. I could see the bags below your eyes, the weak smile that could hardly be conjured by you and that took so much energy to bring about. I wonder if he has really changed for the good or it’s just a cover up. I wonder if he really learned his lesson from being away and being mentally tortured for those 58 days. I wonder how long it’s going to take for the truth to be shown. For the curtains to finally come up and for everything to be revealed.

♦The Echo Of The Vapid Sea Reflects Back Who I am♦

2009-12-22T01:14:00.007+04:00

Nothingness would be the best way to describe it. No feelings, no emotions and no thoughts. Nothing of the outside world seems to affect you as you’re nothing but a shell. You put on a fake smile and nod for a bit for the sake of the others, but they don’t know what’s going on with you in reality. The many thoughts occupying your mind have become so entwined and jumbled up with each other that you can hardly tell them apart. The more you think about it, the more your head starts throbbing from pain because you can’t comprehend things anymore. Everything just seems to be so blank to you, but you have no choice but to follow through and keep up this act for the sake of seeming sane. People and events are all blurry- none to remember or interact with, as nowadays even a small greeting is enough to satisfy them for a year or so. Everything is passing by you, so fast-paced, and nothing and nobody is waiting for you and no matter how much you extend your arm, you can’t seem to catch them. That’s when you realize that you’re left behind and all alone, but you can’t even feel that loneliness anymore. You’re just a shell- nothing more. A hollow shell who’s just living for the sake of contributing to the population of six point something billion people in the world. The sparkle in those onyx eyes have vanished months ago and are completely lifeless now, but it’s unnoticed by them all as mankind is always so concerned about himself and nobody else. Eyelids start feeling heavier as you count to three, but nothing has changed because it’s all still about me. This blank feeling of nothingness- how you wish it could turn into something else because sooner or later, it’s going to start engulfing you as a whole, like how the snake does to its prey, without any choice.

So I did realize that this post was extremely short, nor of any importance to anyone of course, but I just felt like writing it. Why? Just because I could and that's why I did. Sure, it might be more gloomy or morbid compared to what you all are used to in my blog, but no harm in temporary change.

Breaking Through The Wall; Only Succeeding In More Confusion

2009-11-30T20:54:00.003+04:00

So here I am once again writing this entry. It’s probably the nth time I’m trying to write this entry and, hopefully, I won’t erase it. Why I’ve been erasing each entry I’ve been writing? I have no idea. Why I’ve been just staring at the wall hoping answers would come to me? No idea. Why, everytime I start studying, I fall asleep on the book? I have no idea. Why does my body seem to be so tired nowadays? I honestly have no idea.

And you know what? That’s just irritating because I like having answers to things and knowing things. Not ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I have no idea.’ So I’m going to write this now before I go insane or mad or break down or just, something. And if it’s incomprehensible, I wouldn’t be surprised. The thoughts in my head tend to be incomprehensible to me nowadays anyways.

People who say they dislike something and yet they’re the ones who do it in the first place are highly irritating. For example, if there was a group of people on stage- say my friends- who have danced pretty good, It would be my natural tendency to compliment them and criticize them- constructively. Now see, if there’s this other random person talking to her friend criticizing my friends (behind their back)—not cool. So what if I go to them, join them and agree with them? Not fully, of course, because they don’t know what they’re talking about. That’s perfectly fine—not really. But hold on- listen to this. Listen to this. What if. What if, before I’m about to say their good points too- the girl cuts me off and says that I had no right to say anything bad because I wasn’t up there. Now, talk about hypocrisy! Weren’t you the one talking bad about them in the first place? And also, she didn’t let me complete. I was going to tell you their good points because their good points outshone their bad points. Because, in fact, they were excellent at what they did whether it was debating or dancing or singing. So at least give me a chance to complete my sentence and thoughts before you interrupt and come to a really pathetic conclusion.

Those people- I’ve realized what they do. Caking on their makeup, involving themselves elsewhere; it’s all so fake. They slip into oblivion as a way to escape and not to remember or face the situation because the situation isn’t any better really. How could somebody face reality like that? Knowing that someone so close is using you so well? Knowing that they aren’t with you for who you are, but rather for something else? Thinking that money can buy you up and satisfy you completely? (Although it definitely would for me, this isn’t about me). A façade is formed from there and that’s where it all starts because once it’s formed, it becomes a habit and then it’s natural. It becomes a part of them and they just can’t help it. If they start acting like themselves, they start to feel naked; like people can really see through them. And eventually, they lose themselves. Who were they before? Who are they really now? And soon, they surround themselves with people like them because it makes them feel secure; it makes themselves feel better.

Honestly, I have no idea what we are anymore. Whenever he’s upset- or whenever his emotions are directed towards me, he refuses to voice it out. I’m just the opposite. I don’t like that sort of secrecy. If it’s me who’s involved, it’s better if you voice it out. But things changed now. So much for being friends, eh? I really don’t know. I really don’t. In my mind, I know that I’m over him and that things are never going to be the way they were before, but it’s okay because the times I had with him are pretty irreplaceable. The time that I share with each person that I have in my life is irreplaceable. Sure we’ve both moved on in our own ways, but part of my heart still lingers there, only slightly attached to him. Slightly. There’s a reason to that too. The thing was that he replaced someone else I really wanted to be close to previously but lost the chance too. So perhaps I thought that if I got close to this one, I could make up for it. But I probably lost this chance too. He probably hates me. But it’s okay. We weren’t meant to be and I just can’t fight against that anymore.

Sick of being here, there and everywhere. No more philosophy. For now.

2009-10-20T21:36:00.003+04:00

Wow. It seriously has been a while, hasn’t it? Honestly, I’ve been wanting to blog since such a long time, but there was a huge of problem which I couldn’t overcome—I had no internet and, obviously, without internet there’s no way I can blog. Since last blog entry, lots has happened, it’s unbelievable. My life seems to be more eventful than a movie I tell you. And I’m not over exaggerating- although I do wish I was.

My father went to India a week or so back and the very day he reached India, I caught a fever. It wasn’t a minor one either as I had a temperature of 103. I came back from school dizzy, shivering and with a fever. Let’s just say it was not a good combination at all. I didn’t do anything that day except sleep of course. Or at least I tried to sleep, but I was feeling really uneasy. Perhaps it was because of the fever or because of something else I just couldn’t place. Then we got a call in the middle of the night when all of us were trying to sleep- a call from my uncle. Yes, it was quite the surprise because my uncle usually doesn’t interact with my mother and he was calling her on her cellphone. More than anything, what was unexpected was the news that was conveyed through the phone call.

Yes, it seems like my grandmother- my father’s mother- had passed away a few minutes after midnight [India time, of course]. She was going through a lot of pain and she was really weak. Not to mention she was quite the aged woman, but my logic didn’t work against my tears. What could I do? A mix of the news and my fever was not exactly the best combination there was. Nevertheless, I stayed strong because I was really worried about my father more than anything because it was his mother and also because he was alone in India. My mother texted my older brother in the states telling him the news about my grandmother and the news shocked him a lot as well.

Then again, my Chemistry test was absolutely because of my emotional and mental state at that moment .I found out that I, apparently, can’t concentrate very well with such a fever. And the results of my test really did bring me down. It’s like I re-found a whole bunch of new guilt that was stored in the corner of the cupboard. But that’s over. It was a few weeks back and now things are settling down although it feels weird to stay that I have only one grandmother left and nobody else. Things are stable now and we’re all fine and recovered. We’re strong. We know that it’s better that she was put out of her misery instead of staying on this Earth and suffering so much. Not to mention that she did live her life and tried to enjoy it. And my dad- who loved her so much- was there for her till the very end and I believe that was really appropriate.

So my fever was running for an entire week- 10 days to be exact and it was not pretty. I’d had headaches, stuffy noses, dizziness- the package. I, of course, refused to go to the hospital since I was sure that my fever would diminish and it did eventually. Actually, towards the end the fever started to turn into a cough. A really horrible cough. And to be honest- that cough is still somewhat there, but I’m perfectly fine now. For the most part at least. My little brother on the other hand? Not so much. Yesterday he got really sick. And I mean really sick and he’s getting better, but not by much. His fever is like the people’s moods here. It’s FLYING up and down constantly. We can’t tell whether he’s getting worse or better and the reason for the weird changes in his body. I only pray and hope that he gets better quickly.

To be honest, my original plan was to write more and to write a longer entry. Not because I owe anyone anything because I don’t. It was because I really wanted to, but something happened. As usual, my train of thoughts got interrupted and my flow of writing just stopped. The emotion and state of mind I was in changed and I couldn’t continue with the very same topic. Granted, I could have just moved on to a separate topic, but if I need to do that I’ll probably just write another blog entry. Just to make it more organized. Or something to that extent at least.

Reasons. Changes. Decisions.

2009-09-19T20:06:00.003+04:00

I’m a Hindu. Yes. There are many different sub-categories when it comes to Hinduism. I am one who is into Krishnaism. It’s a wonderful thing really, but this entry wasn’t to describe about that, you see.

I used to fast. But not anymore.

I fasted continuously for five to six years during Ramadan due to my personal reasons, but I stopped this year. I won’t be sharing those reasons, so it doesn’t matter. Things changed. Reality sunk in. I had my reasons previously, but now I don’t have them anymore, so why should I? There’s no reason to do it anymore. It’s over. I admit it, that I did fast for two entire weeks this year but I stopped after that.

Besides my personal reasons, it stopped making sense to me that I stayed hungry for 11-or-so hours without changing my lifestyle at all. In those two weeks I fasted, I realized that I was simply becoming more lethargic and things were going down-hill. It all seemed to be pointless. Things were all still the same. After a month of refraining yourself from everything that’s bad, you just jump back into it all, so what’s the point? I’ll tell you—there’s no point at all it seems to me. It’s as if you’re trying to oblige everyone else by doing something like this. And don’t- don’t tell me it’s not true.

I know him. He’s like me. No. He’s like me vaguely. But barely. I refuse to let us be similar. No way. He fasts every Ramadan and he’s not a Muslim either. I don’t know his reasons; I’ve never asked him for them because I never bothered. However, I do know one thing. After this one month, everything’s going to go back to normal. His temper, his drinking and his smoking. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has been smoking while keeping his fast even. Then tell me, what’s the point of starving yourself completely if you’re not doing anything to improve yourself? Why, darn it? Why? I wish I knew the answer. I honestly wish I did.

But the point is that I chose not to fast. Someday, I hope that fasting will make sense to me again and that I will have the willpower to go forth will my reasons and drive all those obstacles away. When this happens, I’ll gladly re-begin the practice. But no, not this time. Not for now. Maybe next year; maybe the year after that. You’ll never know.

You have absolutely no right to put me down because of that. Glaring at me from the corner of your eyes. Throwing accusations at me when you don’t even know half the story. It’s not your place to do such a thing. The bond, the reason. It’s between me, myself and my God. You have no right to interfere in between and think that I will cave into your social standards and expectations and care about the fact that maybe- just maybe- I disappointed you or that I’m a hypocrite. Because, by God, I can tell you that I’m surely not. I was only using the realized that dawned upon me after all these years to guide me in the direction that I’m going.

How Can You Try Fixing Something That Isn't Broken In The First Place?

2009-09-15T23:11:00.000+04:00

I survived. The first week or so of school is finished and I actually survived. Pretty amazing, isn’t it? Wow. This entry sounded calmer than I intended it to be. In fact, I just now finished reading someone else’s blog entry and I wanted to write an entry arguing upon such a thing, but I digress. Forget it. Perhaps some other time. I’m not in a mood for being argumentative or such at the moment.

Let’s be realistic for a short moment now. I seriously miss grade 11. Never thought you’d hear me say or type that now, did you? It’s true though. No, no. I don’t miss the tons of studies and the continuous notes that we had to write, but I miss lots of things. The main thing- or rather person, is this really amazing girl named Arfa. Others- it’s a different story with them. It’s because, for me, each person holds a different meaning and valufe I’m directly writing this now because I do miss that gal. I feel a bit- what do you call it- cheerless without her because I’m so used to having her around. So used to someone actually being my friend. If it was a new school, I’d have no problem in making new friends, I can guarantee you that. TWS, on the other hand, it seems like now the student’s bubbles are so concrete that if you try entering, it’s almost as if you’re invading their privacy. Granted, my presence or absence might mean nothing to her since she’s the type of person who can easily gain friends and click with people, but still. It just feels a bit strange. I suppose my bad habit is almost in motion. But don’t worry. I won’t let it come back. I refuse to let it come back. As for the others? Oh, whatever.

Remember. I’m still Richa. I’m a rock star with my freaking awesome moves and I don’t need them!

Lol. Right, I just had to get that out. Oh, but I do wonder what would have happened if I attended Cambridge instead. No. No! Don’t get me wrong! Not because of her. She has nothing to do with my decision okay? I’m just saying what if I /did/? I mean I did want to attend that school in grade 10, so what if I had transferred there in grade 12? Would it have met up to the expectations that I had reserved in my mind? Well, either way, I shall never know now and it’s of no matter to me. What’s done is done.

The meaning? Just keep moving along. Move along and you’ll make it through somehow.

Or something to that extent at least. Hm. Arabic; I wonder how I’m going to catch up with such a subject since I barely even know the alphabets. Granted, I did pass last year, but that was a different story. I was allowed not to pay attention and such. This year, on the other hand, things have changed. Many things have changed. And truthfully, not many have in a good way. Who knew that K’s attitude would change so dramatically? Who knew that my resolve would slowly change because there seemed to have no point in such a thing? Who knew that Y would slightly drift apart now- is it natural anymore? I wonder about that. But rarely. I have no time for such things; to sit and mull about such unnecessary things anymore. Or at least, it feels like I don’t have enough time.

Wow. The mood of this entry really did change quite a bit, but because of the melancholy song playing on Windows Media Player and my eyelids wanting to close, I think I shall just stop this entry here it is since I have seemed to write a bit of what I wanted.

►I'll Stick Around And See How Bad It Gets; I'll Settle Down And Deal With Old Regrets◄

2009-09-06T03:48:00.002+04:00

She stared at the paper, emotions and events swirling through her mind. There was nothing except silence pulsing throughout the house and she broke it with fingers vigorously pressing at the keyboard. None of it was supposed to occur, but it couldn’t be stopped. They had said that it was to be deserved, but why was the world so cruel?

So at 3:44 in the morning, what I decided to do was write a blog entry. I was craving for comments, really, since they make my day but I found that there’s no point to care anymore if people don’t bother commenting. It’s really their decision and I have no right to force others or push it upon them. Along with a blog entry, I also decided to write a poem (or rather, just a gist of my thoughts) of which you’ll be reading below.

Each scar tells a story,
one of failure or of glory.
From the outside, with time, they’ll heal
But deep inside, I can still feel.
Different they are for each and every person
Prod if you may, but they’ll only worsen
Trying to be in this world good and clean
Corruption started young- at the age of thirteen.
No choice, we had, but to go through it all.
So why is it only tears that I recall?

So school is starting soon. I thought I was completely prepared for it. Mentally and emotionally, but I’m not. My resolve is breaking down. It’s starting to really break down and I don’t want it to be that way. I want to have all of it back. I want to bring myself out of that world and put myself where I really am supposed to be. I don’t want to continue to delude myself into believing all these other things. Things that should come true, but never will. I need to focus and I need to just stay there. I need to think and I need to stop. I need to just get it all out. But they’re all fake. There’s no point even really. They’re all stuck in their own little world; who has time to take care of other people’s woes and worries? If only.. If only. So close, yet so far. But as days pass by, it continues to go even more far. And now.. It seems to be almost out of my reach.

Just A Word Of Assurance Or Two Is All I Need- Is That Too Much To Ask For?

2009-08-16T22:12:00.003+04:00

Sometimes, I wish I hadn’t made such a decision of coming here. I did not have a complete decision in it, of course, but I could have at least tried to prevent it. This all- it’s eating me up inside. Decisions, lies and betrayal. How much more can it go on- I keep thinking and wondering about that and yet, I never get a reply back.

However, I got a reply back today. Just one small one and it made my heart sink because if I hadn’t supported that decision maybe things would have been better- just maybe. I wanted to let go- just end it all because it seemed to be so simple but I felt so guilty and bad saying that. I felt hurt thinking something like that and almost empty because it’s a part of my life and I can’t just leave it like that. It’s impossible so I shall hang on to my hope. I shall keep trusting in God and just having faith that things will be okay in the end. And I’m sure it will. It’s just a matter of trust and patience.

A combination of being frustrated confused, irritated- it’s no fun, I can guarantee you that. Granted, I’m a strong person so I know I’ll survive through it all. I will do my best and I will try to and I know that I can do it. What about him though? He’s alone and it’s so hard to reach at the place where he is. Trying to pick up the broken pieces, trying to glue it back together.. And only having the same thing happen the next day. Tell me, how much longer can this go on? But I know that no matter how many times I keep asking and repeating it, I won’t get an answer. Not yet.

Instead of saying that you’re fine and instead of just being so unclear and making me feel so distant from you, why didn’t you tell me the truth? I found out the answer, I really did. You trusted me- you really did love me. And you still do. You were trying to protect me- us. You’re not superman and I’m not naïve. I know this world and I know how things are. I wish- oh, I wish things could be how they were supposed to because you don’t deserve something like this. You really don’t.

I’m an open person- a person who lets free. A person who’s a small enigma, but if she wants to give in, she will. A candid person who can be hated and liked and who wants to just help others. That isn’t a sin, right? Maybe there’s just no place- no place in this corrupted world. But no. I cannot be like that other person. The one next to you being so diplomatic or two-faced, I cannot.

I’m not foolish, I can promise you that. I’m trying, I really am and I’m just hoping and wishing things would work out.. If I get stuck in the past and keep regretting things, nothing will happen. All I can keep doing is thinking about you and praying. If I do that, I’m sure everything will be okay. And things will be okay because God is with us. And he's guiding the way for us. He'll do what's best for us- he definetely will.

Following Up Of the Past, Consequences and Such

2009-08-16T19:20:00.004+04:00

I’m thankful- I’m extremely thankful to the Lord for my IGCSE results. Granted, I wish I could have done better, but I’m satisfied with my results, I really am. It feels like all that I struggled through was actually worth it because I do feel like- for once- when I tried, I actually got the worthy results back. Usually, it’s such that I try and try and yet nothing comes out of it- at least not ever since I’ve switched schools. Oh, gosh, though, but this time I got the results I think I deserved- the results that I actually studied for. Now, please, from my words don’t assume that I got overly brilliant grades because I didn’t. I got grades that I felt were satisfactory for me and I believe that’s enough. And, really, don’t think I’ll actually be mentioning my grades here because, if you know me, you’d know that I’m the type of person who isn’t too fond of disclosing my grades to another.

[This mainly refers to grade 10 and 11-- and the present]
Whenever I see people in academic brilliance, I feel happy for them, and yet , internally, I feel a bit disappointed because I wonder why I haven’t been able to get the same. And don’t think that I didn’t used to try. I used to sometimes blame others- the teacher mainly- saying that they weren’t good enough because, honestly, they weren’t. As I continued to say that, though, it seemed to be like nothing but an excuse so I knew that I had to do it by myself. And that’s what I did- I worked hard and tried; I kept trying- and yet things didn’t work out. I wanted- and I want- to do everything in my power to avoid failure because that was something that I simply couldn’t afford. Towards the end of grade 10 and the beginning of grade 11, I felt really down because it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t succeed because my grades weren’t rising. They were dropping from A’s to B’s, C’s and D’s and that was something I wasn’t used to at all. It was hard to imagine me- a straight A and B student getting her first D on her report card. It was frustrating; absolutely frustrating. Not because it was on my report card- because I had been trying and yet my results were low.

Consequently, my expectations for my board exam results were extremely low- B’s and C’s but god was really merciful and he didn’t give me even one C, of which I really am thankful for. As I mentioned before, I didn’t get /great/ or /excellent/ grades- I know plenty of people who got better grades than me, but it’s alright because I’m satisfied with what I got. I just need to apply for the schools and see where I can get in for AS levels now. And hopefully, I’ll get in the school I wish to attend.

Also, I would highly appreciate it if I got comments as they boost me up to write even further. However, if you don't feel like commenting, it is also alright of course x]

•|°|• Predictable storylines, Garish Makeup and Lots Of Scheming •|°|•

2009-07-31T19:53:00.002+04:00

My superb friend, Arfa, did not only succeed in making me feel guilty but also in urging me on to blog. I do realize that I haven’t blogged in about three weeks and I apologize for that. What can I do though? Time is ticking and not stopping for anyone, whether it be you or me.

Insane plots, bright makeup, scheming in-laws, coy daughter-in-laws and children who are too big for their boots—does it sound familiar to you? Yes, it is the basic and common features of Indian soap operas.

Many people, mainly woman, are hooked onto these soaps. They are far from reality and a great escape route for the people as it can take them into the fantasy world where they can forget their worries for a few moments.

Then comes the downfall- many become obsessed with these serials, forgetting that it’s a make-believe world. And also, some get inspiration from it. Not the inspiration that leads you to do something good either. It might influence one in a bad way bringing them to be suspicious to anyone who does anything good without any hidden motives.

They have a ridiculous plotline—not to mention an extremely predictable one and they show violence, physical intimacy that drags on and diminishing family values.

In my opinion, it’s rather sad actually because I know quite a few people who are hooked onto such shows and it’s just pathetic. Don’t get me wrong; I do respect their interests and such but when you know exactly what’s going to happen during the next 6 episodes, why would you ignore your child for those days, sit in front of the television and watch those very episodes from Monday to Saturday? Perhaps someone could explain it to me because I seriously don’t understand it.

Now don’t get me wrong; it’s not like I haven’t watched it before. I refused and used to loathe them- the Indian soap opera. The word ‘used’ is wrong since I still do still date, but my mother convinced me into watching a few of them. I used to dread the clock turning its’ big and small needle to the 6 because I knew as soon as it reached 6:30, it would be ‘drama time’ and I definitely wasn’t fond of it. However, to accompany my mother, I used to sit there and watch the characters on the television commenting on how silly their actions were and what was going to happen next and guess what—it did happen.

Till date, even if I do watch it, it’s simply to accompany someone else since it makes them happy. How could I give up a chance to making someone happy? Ah, the downfall of being me, but that’s beside the point. Now I’ve made myself clear to my mother and my father telling them that I cannot tolerate any more cheesy scenes or any more of the character’s nonsense so I have stopped—absolutely stopped watching these Indian soap operas.

How Much Longer Will This Go On? How Much Longer Will I Be Kept In the Dark? How Much Longer Will You Refuse To Acknowledge My Presence?

2009-07-03T02:10:00.000+04:00

It actually has been quite a while since I last blogged, so I decided why not write an entry today? Days have just been going by so fast that I haven’t gotten a chance to. Granted, I'm not exactly in a mood to blog about what I want to actually write about, but it's alright. Let's see how it goes. This entry might be in reference to some of the blog entries of my friends have written in the past. Some of these things might be personal and not exactly formal and all, but I just want to attempt to write a loose blog entry for once.

Now there's this person who I shall name X. At the beginning, I thought that we got along and that everything was dandy. Of course, now we still do get along, but there's this unspoken distance between us which I truly do dislike because I'm curious. So unbelievable curious about this person of their experiences and their viewpoint. From the top, some of X’s view points are different, but when sinking deeper, it’s actually similar to mine. X is a realistic person, it’s true, but sometimes he’s just so pessimistic, I want to help him escape and find out a better solution to those problems. At a point in time, I did almost give up because just when I thought I was getting to him, things just went down the drain, but then I thought- how could I actually do something like that? I’m such a persistent person that I just can’t do something like that no matter what. Ah, I wonder if I could be called an idiot for such a thing.

I wish upon that star. I wish from afar. How I wish, how I wish. There are a few people that I know who are going through quite a tough time. I know that I can help them. I know that I’m a trustworthy person who they can rely on and who will accept them and help them through their situation and problems, but I wish they could realize such a thing. I truly do. I want to get close to them and figure them out. Just enter their heart once, but if only they would let me. I wouldn’t betray them. From my side, that’s a guarantee.

That reminds me of something. A few days ago, I was cleaning my drawer and found a folded piece of paper. I recognize it was mine because of the handwriting and because the quality of the paper is good, meaning that it was from the States. On the paper were a few scribbles- thoughts of mine actually. Each ‘scribble’ was about a real life person, but I only got to write two of them until the period ended. Yes, you read right. I wrote these two things in my class- Arabic class to be exact.

A simple gesture to make my day.
A small text to make me smile.
A regular email to be like the sun’s ray.
You got me hooked for quite a while.
A few days without you-a few days it is,
But it truly is you who I miss.
You got me addicted; you got me attached,
But I know that I’m like the rest of the batch.
Just one more inch, I wish to be close-
In your heart, I wish I were that treasured rose.

You want to figure out who it was directed to? Go ahead. And yes, this is the next one:

I hope, I pray. I cry and I say.
I only wish it would all work because I want you to be in my life again
That shoulder I could mostly rely on.I want it back.
The memories of you and me- give them to me again.
Tell me their words were a lie. Tell me.
Your story I’d surely buy.

Even though I was determined to write a blog entry today, I honestly don’t think it was good at all. Infact, I’m highly tempted to click that ‘delete’ button in the corner of my screen, but I shall not because I have learned my lesson that I need to blog and write in a better way and more sensibly. Or something to that extent.

εveryone wants to be нappy; ηobody wants ρain, but you can't have a яainbow without яain.

2009-06-12T17:25:00.000+04:00

The clock was ticking; she could hear it, anxious as each second passed by. She had rushed through almost everything; she knew it, but she couldn’t help it as her mind seemed to almost be elsewhere. There was half an hour left for her to stare at the clock; even though she knew that it wouldn’t make it go faster, she had nothing else to do. The echo of the older female was heard and she shut her eyes, saying a quick little prayer as she turned, eyes meeting with another girl’s. They left, bit by bit and as she left, realization dawned upon her. It had been completed at last and there was nothing to stop her now. The corners of her lips were raised as she let out a yelp of happiness, not being able to contain her emotions any further. People were shocked, surprised, excited and some were even in tears, but what mattered was that it was over.

So besides that little excerpt really. Do you think I should stop those things? They’re just random little ramblings or writings one could say. Anyhoo~

I’m done. I’m finally done. Done with seeing the same annoyed faces of those teachers and arrogant faces of those students. Done with being put down by people who aren’t worth it. Done with the silly drama. And I’m done; absolutely done with continuously studying and trying to memorize three years worth of portion.

So to speak; I have officially completed the 2009 IGCSE: International General Certificate of Secondary Education. Whether I faired well or did bad, I have no idea really. Sadly, at the moment, everyone in my house is sleeping so I’m unable to celebrate in the way I want to. What would you expect? It’s the morning of a weekend. And my friends, well, they’re busy doing their own things I suppose. But that doesn’t matter. Everything seems to just be such a blur. The only thing that is stuck to my mind is the fact that I am now free. Free in the sense that I don’t need to have my nose in my textbook for 11 hours trying to figure out how to do mole ratios or anything of the sort. Instead, I can split those 11 hours and spend them on my family and friends. Now doesn’t that sound much better? Of course it does.

I simply can’t get it out of my system- the excitement and the happiness. Perhaps it just hasn’t completely sunk in yet; the fact that I might not be in this school next year; that I would have to settle into a new environment all over again, that there would be a small possibility of losing my friends in the process. But hey, what the heck? Does it really matter? What one needs to do right now is nothing but just enjoy the moment. The moment and the mood they’re in at that time. And at this very moment I’m totally and utterly hyped up and wanting to stand on top of a mountain and scream my lungs out. Which, of course, isn’t exactly possible for my in reality, but it’s alright. I’m just hoping that my hyper-ness doesn’t die out too soon.

I never thought I’d say this, but I haven’t a clue what to do. I don’t want to wake up my parents and spoil their sleep. I don’t want to disturb my friends as they must be busy. I want to get some rest and refresh myself, but at the same time I don’t want to because when I wake up, my emotions might change and the situation might as well. I want to settle down and watch My Girl or Coffee Prince, but my internet refuses to cooperate with me, so that isn’t exactly possible either. I want to go out, but I don’t have a license nor do I have a place to go. So you see what kind of a problem I’m in? I can’t exactly call it a ‘problem’ since it’s minor and rather silly, but still. I don’t know what to do.

Ah. Memories. Confusion. Fights. Misunderstandings. Thoughts. Debates. Lessons. Critizing. Breaking up. Making up. Understanding. Being random.

You.

Me.

Us.

I’ll give it that much- this year sure has been interesting and eventful.

♦Spinning through a world of obligations wanting nothing more than to be Free♦

2009-06-08T23:36:00.000+04:00

It had been nothing but a simple question. An innocent simply question that had no hidden intentions behind it, but that question itself started it all. A sharp pain crossed her heart as tears began forming at the corner of her eyes. As the loud voices and clash continued, she bit her lower lip feeling undeniably helpless to the situation. Everything had been going so smoothly- the conversations, the teasing and the smiles, so what had turned it into this? The entire room was filled with silence, but the atmosphere was still so tense and almost tangible- she could cut it with a knife if she had one. Tears threatened to fall as she heard the footsteps leading away from her. And then, they fell.

That, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with what I’m to write in this entry. Honestly. Atleast I don’t think it will. Not this time at least. This entry, though, is short compared to my other entries. How sad.

This entire month was to be reserved for exams and for studies, that’s true. Or atleast they were only suppose to be reserved for that, but something else got added into my agenda. Gaining knowledge about life and God. Rather unexpected topics they were really, but the topics were extremely interesting I found. Things about fate, the soul, religion, God.. And they were things that I never knew about before too. The thing that really left an imprint in my heart for now, though, was when someone told me “You are a part of me.” And that person(X) has never admitted that before- out loud atleast. So that really left me in slight shock. Another person(Y) did tell me that that person (X) was simply making up things and didn’t mean it, but I didn’t care.

So this was something I wrote a bit ago, so it’s a few months old. Recently, I haven’t been in the mood to write anything huge. This isn’t really a poem, it’s more of an excerpt or, rather, just a rambling or thought of a sort.

Three simple words needed to bring a smile.
Three simple words to bring a frown.
Three simple words that end a novel.
Only three simple words.
Just those three can bring the world.
Just those three can break one's heart.
Just those three can pull the cords
Merely but three little words.
Not much they are.
Just a few syllables.
But the affects are great
For just three little words.

-Your question might then be- what are these three words then? Well, that is for you to figure out.

It’s rather frustrating sometimes because no matter how much I study, how much effort I put into something, things just refuse to work out the way I want them to work out. I was talking to my mother a while ago about the changes I’ve gone through and the few things that have happened. So from there, I did realize that I have changed which was quite the sadness for me because, well, most of them aren’t the way I it should have been.

It’s not really a complete change though since there are still times that I’m torn between who I was, who I am and who I want to be. Then again, that’s simply too much trouble, so I’ve decided that I shall just be what I am. Why should I over think things and overcomplicate things? I should just move along with a clean heart and a steady and pure mind; that’s all. And just by being myself.

Just Because You Ignore The Facts, That Doesn't Mean They Stop To Exist

2009-05-13T19:16:00.000+04:00

Nothing. It was as if I couldn't feel anything and could barely think. Everything was going wrong. Everything. Was it my mistake for having too much faith in myself? Was it my fault for thinking that I could have actually done well? Everything crashed down on me in the end and I couldn't do anything about it. No matter how much I tried to look on the bright side, it just wouldn't sink in. Dark eyes were burning- not with tears- but with annoyance; how could I? Why did I? I had no answers for any of them. No answers at all.

Right. Back to the reason of why I was actually writing this post. My friend had urged me to post a few of my writings up here. No, not those short stories or articles. Just ramblings or thoughts, you can say. Like short poems, or something of the sort. For starters, I'll just post two of them. We'll see how the rest goes. And , of course, everyone and anyone is free to critize or comment.

► You'd think just because you travel a few miles that nothing would change. That surely turned out to be wrong because everything changed. The people, the scenery, the views, the love, the school, the friendship. Oh, friendship- what's the meaning of it? Is there a depth to it anymore? If you refuse to share your emotions, your experiences and yourself then how can one get closer? Then along comes the other thought- if you didn't want me to get closer, then why did we start in the first place? Perhaps it was my fault for trying in the first place. Perhaps it was my fault for hoping just a bit more. Perhaps it was my fault for wanting to be with you in the first place.

► What if everything you believed got twisted and turned in just one moment? What if everything that you thought was the truth turned out to be nothing but a lie? What if the shoulder that was always there for you to lean against just disappeared? What if you found out that the person who you thought you knew was showing you a different side the whole time? A side that was nonexistant? A side that was nothing but a facade. Turns out that I never knew you after all.

Your Lies Drop Like Acid Rain, Burn My Skin and Reach My Heart

2009-04-28T01:18:00.000+04:00

So it wouldn’t have made a difference even if I didn’t write another entry, but after reading my friend’s blog, I said to myself- ‘why not’? I mean, I haven’t in a while, right? This time, though, I shall be writing with absolutely no topic in my mind. Do remember that this is a post of my thoughts for a total of four entire days. So I’m wondering whether to split my thoughts in two different posts or not. In the end, though, I decided against it.

I went back to school today and got my grades and, I’ve got to admit, seeing the grades in reality was rather horrible. It was completely my fault for the grades, of course, but- on the other hand- am I really capable of doing more? I wonder. It seems like everyone has extremely high expectations of me; even strangers. Oh dear.

If you read my previous post, you’ll see that I mentioned that I know the truth. Guess what? It turns out that all that I knew and all that I trusted- it was all a lie. Or at least most of it was. It hurts as to even think about something like that because it seems like the one shoulder that I mostly relied on, even though it was unintentionally, has disappeared. Gone. Just like that. Now you see the value I have in a person’s life? Exactly.

I know now. The truth is the truth and nothing can change that. The fact that I don’t even know the truth itself is rather confusing, but that’s okay. I just need to accept what I know. And what I know is that I have to improve myself and block them out. I have to just stay true to myself by keeping a clean heart and having faith in God. There’s no point in changing myself or letting another person obtain the right to leave a scar on my heart. No point at all because they don’t deserve it. Of course; things are always easier said than done.

So did I mention that I really want a tablet laptop? I mean they’re so amazing. Okay, so the only thing that’s so brilliant about it is the fact that you can directly draw on the screen with a stylus so that the picture, but still. That itself. I find really cool. Okay, so I'll admit it; to be honest, I really do miss drawing. Drawing those outfit designs, those eyes, those headshots, those freebies- I do. But there's always another time for things like those.

So these two movies- August Rush and The Secret; they sound seriously amazing and I really want to watch them. You know, some actors act so well, it’s like you actually dislike or like them because of their personality- because they can portray it so well. It’s just amazing- the effort, the time, the way that they do it. I mean how people don’t appreciate the characters- even if they’re the evil one- I don’t understand.

So I was thinking about some things; some extremely random things and I couldn’t get myself to study because my mind seemed to be filled with them. I don’t like it, I really don’t, but I thought I’d get them out; maybe I’d be able to concentrate then. Mainly, it’d just be a whole bunch of rambling.

So the strangest idea ever came to my mind today- how about being a wedding planner? I know, it’s like the furthest thing from what you’d expect from a person like me, but I’m unexpected. I truly am, I just attempt to blend it sometimes. And guess what? It usually works. I know, I know. I don’t believe in love or marriage or this and that, but really- think about it. It’s a unique job. And, well, read on.

Now this idea, quite a few things inspired them, but it’s not important. It’s more like you get to see the happiness of the couple. You get to basically make their perfect wedding and you get cash. See? Two in one. And best thing is probably- well, besides the cash- is the fact that it’s a social job.

Plus, if the couple broke up, I wouldn’t feel guilty because I know it wouldn’t be my fault due to the fact that I would just be setting up their wedding; I’m not the one who would be getting them together like a matchmaker or something of the sort. Strange thought, isn’t it? But it’s been on my mind for nearly three hours now.

I remember how it used to feel like when I felt like I was truly the special person. Like you know being special that person to that other person. His voice was constantly in my head and it was maddening and, somehow, it didn’t seem to be like it was reality. Strange. The same ordeal had been playing in my head for quite a while before I confronted myself with the issue; what was wrong with me? Turned out, it was nothing at all.
People use others a lot. They manipulate a lot. I have a nature not to use others, to be honest. So I’m wondering, is that a bad thing? I mean, ideally, it is a good thing to have a good nature, but in this kind of world, even goodness seems to question itself. I really can’t manipulate or use people; it’s totally not in my nature and I just can’t. I mean I haven’t even tried it, so I wouldn’t really know what it feels like, but I’ve seen people do it so clearly and it seems terrible really. But those people are the ones that, ironically, “rise” in life. Ah, the ways of life.
Wow, I’ve written quite a bit, haven’t I? Okay, more than just a bit, but I think you get the point. I wonder if anyone got past the first two paragraphs. If anyone reached till this point, thank you very much for reading this entire post although it was completely random and contained nothing that made any sense.

It All Just Depends On Which Side of The Coin You Look at

2009-03-10T11:10:00.000+04:00

Now, about the picture. No, it isn't like I've changed my mind or anything of the sort. I simply liked the picture, it's cute. Okay. So I really like this picture. Don't ask xP. Now this post might be completely pointless, try not to get too irritated.

See, the problem is that I want to write and I want to blog, but I've been having a major blog block. Or maybe it's just the fact that I want to write so much, I have no idea where to start- or end, for that part. Let's just stick with the fact that my creativity has just died off.

So, to begin, lots had been happening in my life in just a short amount of time. 2009 started off with a bump and then the road just continued to get even more rough. I, of course, did keep my hopes steady, but there's a point to when it starts decreasing. And then, knowing me, it comes back again.

It’s like I am going through a mid-life crisis, i think. When, all of a sudden, nothing seems good to me. i am so distracted all the time. By the hints of possibilities. But, as usual, i refuse to open the door when opportunities knock. Why am i so laid back?

I need to realize that it’s a big deal, that it matters. Forget my heart, forget emotions, forget all those silly things that don’t matter anymore. I just need to realize, to concentrate, to think. Alas, if only things were that easy. I do realize it, I know the truth and I do have the will. The only problem is that that determination, that will; after awhile, it starts fading away. Either that or I get so caught up in something else. Yes, basically I want to be stressed, I want to be determined because if I am all that, I know that I’ll be able to do it and my persistence can overcome those little things that keep popping up.

No matter what I say, that hope, that faith, those small little expectations, I just can’t stop them from coming. That just might be one of my flaws, but to be pessimistic, put a bit more in something, is it so bad? Yes, I do realize that in my last blog entry I had mentioned that I shouldn’t have expected anyone to be there when I needed them. But just that one time- mind you, I didn’t need anyone; I’m not that desperate- I simply wanted to hear someone’s voice. Anyone’s voice that would atleast snap me back into reality so that I wouldn’t be so dazed as to walk so aimlessly and lost as to almost crash into a car. At that time, it was me who was thinking “Stop the Earth! I want to get off!” What a thought, right?

The wind of depression still blows in my life. All i need is to shut the window that lets in this wind. But i am stuck – can’t even summon the will to laugh genuinely. I don’t even feel like using anymore energy to close to window and block it all out. It seems that all I have to do for now is use my own power and strength to fight against the wind and make it through.

Seems for now, it’s just I, me, myself all over again.

White lies are not as harmless or little as they seem.

2009-01-19T17:16:00.000+04:00

Right, it's been a while hasn't it?

Well, I want to wish everyone a belated Happy Christmas and New Year.

A few days ago, well, it was an interesting day; I’ll give it that.
I met two people who I was slightly looking forward to meeting- Shiran and Puneet. Ah, yes. Their names had to come sooner or later. I refuse to disclose my opinions about them though considering the world is full of tattle tellers. If you want to know the truth or an opinion, it’s best to ask the person themselves instead of risking the chance of more misconceptions. The plan obviously didn’t go how it was suppose to - at all. Seriously- it didn’t. Then again, I shouldn’t have thought it would either because, well, it’s my life. Things never go as they’re planned in my life.

So things have been going on in my life lately. Reality has been mixed up with my identity and I’ve been all over the place lately. Trying to hold up to someone’s expectations. Trying to hold off the harshness of reality for just a bit longer. Seems like it hit me like a typhoon all at once yet again. Of course I wasn’t expecting anyone to be there when I needed them. If I did have such expectations, I would have been let down more than I already was so I’m not as disappointed and I suppose that is a good thing. What one must do, though, is never give up the hope that they hold; even if it’s just a little hope. The small hope one has in humanity just might make all the difference in the world. Not only for you, but for the other person as well.

I truly haven’t changed; I know that much; I’m just torn apart between a few of my thoughts and opinions. Sometimes I want to feel a specific emotion, but I can’t get myself to feel that way because of the small barriers that have been set up. I suppose now I do know why 7 months ago, when my friend chatted with me, she told me this: No matter what you do, try to never revert back to how you were in grade 6. Well, I don’t think I was so bad really, just different. Really different. So I’m like the seasons of the world; I change every few months. I do, really, it’s just that nobody notices because the changes are so minute. This time on the other hand, I haven’t changed, not much really. I haven’t. I’m just scattered all over the place and yet at the same time I’m trying to pick myself up. I’m just trying to fix back the lyrics of my life that had broken apart. As I said, though, it’s simply a phase and I haven’t changed. However, nobody seems to believe me. I don’t care anymore though as justifying myself seems to just be a waste of my time lately. All one must do, though, is put their assumptions aside and look deeper. That’s all.

I read my entry once again just now- a habit, it seems- and I truly do feel like erasing this post because it seems completely pointless to me, but I shall not erase this post because I feel like I owe this website at least one post as to inform everyone out there that I’m still existent in this world.

Incomplete Thoughts of the Mind

2008-12-06T02:11:00.000+04:00

So all these stories and movies that you see about life having a happy ending? The reason that we read all these fictional novels and get into it so much might be the fact that we know that something like that doesn't exist in the world. That way, we try to hold on to small flicker of hope that's barely there. But happy endings in reality? Not going to happen because everything is not a cliche nor is anything ever perfect. Quite the way to start this, isn't it?

Imagine having that one person who would be with you whenever you needed them no matter where it was and what time it was. Yes, that means even at 4:30AM while I am typing this. That one person who would confront you about everything and tell you never-endings tales about their life and tell you honestly how you look in that outfit. The person who could talk to you about everything and anything.That one person who would make you feel like you're special; like life is actually worth living and all these things that bring us down in life are so petty compared to the happiness he can give you. So, yes, it's usually a person of the opposite gender. Sure, it can also be the person of the same sex, but it really depends on various things.

Suppose you did have such a person really, and they were just a really close friend. Someone you could trust and talk to openly. What if the feelings developed from one side, but not the other? What if one confessed and one became confused? What if he was stolen away from you when you thought he would be yours forever? What if the realization sunk in when it was too late? That at least one thing every day had to remind you of that person. That you can't get through the day without hearing his voice even once.That you look forward to the next time that you hear his voice or see him again? What if you find out that your feelings might have changed and you had just noticed it a bit too late? What if you wanted the feelings to erase so that he might be happy with someone else? What if you don't even know if the emotions going on through your heart are real or not?

Well, that would pretty much just suck now, wouldn't it? Ah, and then there are always those times were you want to spill everything out to this one person who is so close to you, but there's always this thing hanging in the back of your mind. What if their opinion of you changes just because of the few words or confession you might make? What if the revealation you make to them is such that they might not want to be your friend anymore. Or that they just have to share that juicy piece of information with the entire of the city?

[Note: This post was completed at 5:00AM and as I fell asleep, I lost the inspiration to complete the post, but even if it incomplete, but perhaps someday I shall try getting back to it. Someday]

It definetely wouldn't be a secret anymore if it was told.

2008-11-12T19:41:00.000+04:00

So I was tagged by Arfoosh and I shall do what it requires:

-The Rules are:[copied and pasted!]
~ Link to the Blogger who tagged you.
~ In your blog, post The Rules and...
~ Six quirky but unspectacular factoids about yourself
~ Tag six other bloggers by linking to them
~ Go to each person's blog, and leave a comment that lets them know they've been tagged.
~ Let me know you've done this tagged post too!

----> Putting eyeliner is an extremely hard task for and on me because I keep twitching due to the fact that I feel like the person is on the verge of poking in my eye. Neither can I put eyeliner on myself. I suppose we weren't meant to be.
----> If and when I'm addicted to the song, I'll constantly listen to that only song so that I can get it out of my system. That or sometimes I just try to listen to other songs so I can get that song out of my head.

----> I love going to shops and trying on differerent outfits and taking random pictures. And at times, I prefer winbow shopping to actual shopping. Ands I love going to stores/shops/ places with people, but almost never by myself.

----> I usually understand most things or people, so when I don't, it frustrates me to no end and I must figure them/it out no matter what. For example, a Maths problem that I should know, I will keep trying to solve it until I figure it out. Or a person that is interesting whose thoughts or feelings/emotions I can't figure out.

----> My dreams and/or nightmares are so realistic most of the time that sometimes I can't tell them apart from reality and can't get myself to wake up from them and it takes a person quite a lot of energy to wake me up then.

----> I have a birthmark on the back of my left hand and I'm proud of it because it's a unique feature that separates me from the next person. There's a story behind this actually.

Only after I finished this list, I got 2 more of these facts in my head, but as it doesn't require anymore, I'll spare you guys.

I tag:- Ruby, Nainou, Mari, Arfoosh and whoever else feels like doing this

Heaven's gates refuse to open up for me.

2008-10-18T02:27:00.000+04:00

There are so many people in the world- each one of them is a different individual, so in the end, why do they all try to copy each other?Why is it so that people must hide so much just to keep up their status or their reputation?Why is it that honestly is something that is extremely hard to find nowadays?Every person has feelings and values, so why is it that some people ignore them and still hurt another person intentionally?Why is it that because you're not like the next person around the corner you're labeled to be a bad person and automatically don't fit it.

Yeah. Me musing on life's little mysteries. Quite the headache I tell you and the answers are, as usual, never found. I must admit, this entire month has been extremely hectic and I'm not exagerrating one bit. Surprisingly, it's not only due to the fact that my cousins stayed in my house for three weeks. It might be the fact that things were slowly starting to sink inside and things were happening to me. Well, of course they were. That's the whole thing really. At times my life is so dramatic, I truly wish it wasn't. It's almost as if there are the Gods and Goddesses up there watching my life like it's a television show while being amused by it. Ha. Sounds rather depressing when I think about it that way actually.

Something actually hit me today- not counting the door, that is. The fact that I haven't actually been in Texas since an entire year. I'm not talking about a year since I actually stayed there. I'm talking about a year since I went on the little surprise trip I had to go there for business. If I count the time it's been since I moved, I think I'll get even more depressed and that definetely isn't the reason I'm writing this. Ha- a year an a half, or more, since I felt like I actually belonged somewhere. I shalln't bore you with anymore details though, considering you guys deserve more than that since I haven't updated in quite a while.

This year, we started talking our future. Now, that, folks, is a topic that I can ponder on for more than 8 hours and still fail to get an answer. I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future- at all. Everyone has just told me to do whatever I want and the whole thing is that I don't know what I want anymore, especially since I haven't exactly gotten what I've ever wanted- for the most part. Everyone keeps nagging at me- 'you should atleast have an idea of what you want to do'or 'time is running out'Well, you know the phrase- it's easier said than done? Well, it truly is because I actually had an idea back home. So don't get an idea that I've always been clueless and have been totally blank. Now, on the other hand, in this land I'm quite clueless though because whenever I think about something that I want to do in the future, I always run into a thick brick wall. A dead end. What am I to do? Think, think; they all say. It really doesn't help. The main reason is because my future is connected to someone else's. Only after this one person moves on in life- only then will I be able to actually have an idea of what I will be able to do in reality. I suppose the fact that this is one of the reasons my life and personality are completely spontanous. I can't help but wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing as there are pros and cons for everything- especially this situation.

I've been running in circles all day long.

2008-09-27T22:48:00.000+04:00

So a few days back, my cousins came over from Laredo on a visit for 3 weeks. They're to be staying in our house of course and due to that reason, I've been rather busy.

Since they arrived to our house at night, they just changed, ate, met my other aunt and went to sleep. They seemed to be to tired for anything, so we didn't do anything that day- well, we did fix the sleeping arrangements. Ha, let's just say that where I sleep, if I turn even a little bit, there's a chance of me falling down the bed.

The next few days were rather eventful, I'd say! On the 25th of September and we were invited to one of my aunt's house to have lunch. We arrived there, fashionably late of course (ha) and started to talk to each other as if we hadn't ever met each other before which was partially true because my cousins haven't been to DUbai in over 8 years. At Aunt Lily's house, the dining table to be specific, I was looking at all the food and, mainly, my aunt's expression. She seemed quite worn out from cooking so much food. It was a feast really- you wouldn't believe the amount of food she cooked! Not to mention her kids barely helped her, so one person doing all that work was just wonderful. And then, as you already know, for the past week or so I've been having this internal debate on whether to continue fasting or not. I mean, I think if I feel doing this, I might as well just stop eating altogether. Ha. There goes my sarcasm. As I said before, I was staring at the food, the debate still going on between my two minds and then I Came to this conclusion 'Why the freaking heck not?'I mean, it's a rather wonderful thought, isn't it? Also, I was thinking that it was the 25th- a pretty nice date. So at 3:15 on the 25th of September2008, I broke my fast for this year. From that time on, I have not fasted anymore. After their house, we walked quite a bit to a place called Meena Bazaar. Their expressions were quite fun to watch when they saw about 12 gold shops with various types of jewelery and designs.Imagine. All this happened in only one day.

The next wasn't resting day either! We did tons of things and my older cousin, after I came out from the shower, decided to put make up on me. Now see, I'm not too fond of this type of thing because it tends not to suit me and it's suppose to ruin your skin. Mine's already ruined, so I really wasn't planning to ruin it anymore. I shrugged in response though; one time makeup couldn't hurt, now could it? See, though, the thing is that we were going to my other aunt's house for lunch and whenever I wear makeup(if I ever do) I only wear it on occassions or special events. Shrugging the thought off, I allowed her to put quite a few things on me. I, of course, tried to be cooperative, but when someone's trying to stick a pencil in your eyeball, it's rather hard. I'd say. Psh.After that, though, I asked her if she could do my hair as well, just for the sake of experimenting. So these are the few things she put on her. A light shade of pink eyeshadow with bits of glitter on it to match my outfit, mascara on the ends of my lashes to emphasize the thickness, a bit of a blush for the cheek-bones as to blend in with the eyeshadow and skin color, and eyeliner for the darkness. Oh, and did I mention that lipstick was put on me too? Well, it was. In addition to my makeup, though, I liked my hair as I used two of my new silver sparkly clips that were put up in a rather different hairstyle- one I can't do on myself. Lunch was delicious, as usual, and I don't think it was just because I Was hungry. A few relatives I wasn't expecting also showed up there, but an hour before we left, two of my uncles launched into an argument about-- you know it. Religion. Can you believe it? I almost got so frustrated that I felt like marching up to them and just telling them off. Yes, my extended family is filled with different branches of religion, so what's wrong with that? Nothing I tell you, but really, the way they were acting was just childish. To accuse another people and tell them that their views and opinions are wrong. Let them be. If they don't want to reason with you, just leave them. How hard is that to do? Well, anyways, after that, we drove to this place called Dragonmart. Now this place is rumored to have 4000 stalls there. Brilliant, isn't it? Sadly, I started getting a bit sad there because everything I was seeing and liking, my parents kept reminding me that I already have too much of. Alright, so I might have a bit too much jewelry or clothes, but does that mean that I can't enjoy those clothes or at least try them on? It doesn't matter I suppose. What's done is done. I enjoyed myself all in all, but it seemed to me that my cousins were highly disappointed as they were expecting something better. Afterwards, we went to a restaurant called Gazebo and I, personally, enjoyed all the 6 dishes we ordered. Romali Roti is the way to go. Ha. So we, being the cool people we are, reached home at about 2 in the morning and somehow fell asleep at 3 in the morning.

Talk about eventful,eh?

Today- the 27th of September was the only day that I actually managed to get some rest. I suppose it was mainly due to the fact that my cousins were out with their relatives for the entire day. I wonder what tomorrow will be like ..Although there's just one problem with all of this- I can't find anytime to study or blog. Also, tomorrow is my friend, Lucy's, 16th birthday.

The 10th post.

2008-09-12T15:53:00.000+04:00

I got tagged by Arfa to post a few random facts, so that's exactly what I shall do.

My handwriting changes often depending on what position I'm sitting in and which pen I'm using.
In the supermarkets, I can't stand to see the dead fish.
I mean come on. They're like staring at you and taunting you about their death.
If that made any sense, that is.
I'm a huge people person and love social events/crowds/parties
I might be a bit too pessimistic at times
Sometimes I wish I had contacts.
My moods can change in a fraction of a milli-second.
I get tanned very easily
I would love to travel all around the world.
Especially in airplanes.
Since I just love them for no apparent reason.
Perhaps it's the atmosphere.
Or the games.
Or the music.
Or the food.
Or the pilot and the airhostess.
But I just love travelling in planes.
Dreams. I am obsessed about my dreams.
Or even my nightmares.
I find my them highly amusing.
I find them more entertaining than many shows.
It's probably because I have an extremely huge imagination and they turn out to be very bizzare
At times, it isn't that good.
I also like to remember them and write about them.
But 2-5 minutes after I wake up, I tend to forget about most of it.
I like texting more than I like to talk to people on the phone.
I have a big hate for smoking.
No, that does not mean that if you smoke I will immediately hate you.
I just hate the idea of smoking and everything related to it.
Many people find it surprising as I'm from the States and I've never ever had a puff.
Actually, I'm never planning to either.
You know something else people find surprising?
The fact that I've never had a boyfriend.
Now it's not like I haven't had the chance to get one.
I was just never interested in that sort of a relationship.
And I still am not.
Right- sorry to disappoint you guys.
I tend to tease most of my friends.
I find it amusing and fun.
But I don't like it when others tease/call them names/annoy them
I know lots of songs, but I usually never know the singer or the band.
Even if I like the band, I don't go so much into detail as to know each member's name and lifestory.
The first thing I notice about a person would probably be either their eyes or their hair.
I have wavy hair currently.
I used to have straight long hair.
I want it back.
After this haircut, I'm not planning to cut my hair for a long time
I hate all indian TV dramas. I find them really really annoying and stupid.
I will not sleep before 9PM until I'm extremely tired.
And that's rare.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I took comas instead of science.
I take pride in being different.
I wouldn't like to be 'like everyone else'
How boring does that sound?
Like every other person, sometimes I do wish I was in their place instead of being where I am.
I am arguementative.
I won't back down.
I'm a tiny bit rebelious.
I cannot hold grudges.
Unless the person has person has affected me in a very strong way
And that's an extremely rare thing.
Almost all my actions and opinions have a reason behind them.
They aren't formed out of thin air.
My hope in humanity is starting to slowly fade away.
I wish to learn more about different cultures and religions.
I find them really fun and interesting.
I also love experiencing new things and food.
I adore roller coasters.
Especially the huge ones.
They make me smile.
I tend to give nicknames to people.
But usually only to the ones that I usually am around.
I'm extremely talkative.
It's rare to find me quiet.
But that usually means that I'm either caught up in my own thoughts.
Or something happened a while ago and my mood is just a bit off.
But I get back to normal soon after that.
I tend to be sarcastic.
It hurts people sometimes.
But old habits do die hard.
I'd rather take a picture.
Than be in it.
Just because I find myself as the subject of the picture to be boring.
My first impressions of people are almost always right.
And they don't change unless something very drastic happens.
My first impressions to other people tend to suck.
Probably because I refuse to show myself ahead of time.
Not in the U.A.E at least.
But once I get closer to them.
I believe I can start to trust them.
Unfortunately, the trust tends to break just moments later.
Ouch.
I love making people smile and laugh.
It makes me feel as if I've actually done something.
I like fresh squeezed juice more than the ones you buy in the supermarket.
Not because they're healthy.
Because they actually taste good.

Say What?

2008-09-07T15:12:00.000+04:00

So, believe it or not, I was pretty excited when I woke up this morning because it was to be my first day in grade 11. At first, I thought there was nothing to look forward to because all my classmates and teachers were to be the same. Then, someone told me that my teachers might change; that surely gave me some hope. So I walked through the same corridor which I did 3 months ago, looking at the same faces that hadn't changed. And then Tarushi came up to me and gave me a news that was to change my year."Miss Mariama(don't even bother correcting my spelling) is your class teacher." I've heard about her and she's said to be strict, but I was okay with that- I mean, even Miss Sindhu was pretty strict. So I just shrugged thinking that my teachers this year were going to be better than the last. After all, the teachers in grade 10 were not that great so even a teacher a little better would satisfy me a lot. What I wasn't expecting when I entered my new class, 11G5, was to hear the sound of Arfa sqeaking and people actually greeting me. That totally brought a grin to my face. I passed by the classroom,shaking hands with a few people here and there. Yes, what disappointed me was the fact that those Arabic chicks hadn't changed and they were still ignoring my presence and the fact that people were ignoring my hand when I extended it for a handshake. So anyways, we chatted here and there and I was way more talkative than usual. I think it's because I was just trying to push everything aside for now. And then Mariamma came strolling inside the class and bam. There went my first impression of her. So I understand that they all have IGs this year, but why do they have to put all the pressure on someone else to be the president or the vice president? Okay, so I admit, I wasn't interested in the class council at all; I have better things to do, but when Arfa was forced to be the president and nobody was listening to her refusing the post, I just couldn't help but feel bad for her so I took up the post of the Vice President. Like I said, I really wasn't interested, but if it'll ease her up a bit, I suppose it isn't too bad. My original plans, actually, for this post was to rant about everything that happened today, but, no, I've changed my mind. You know why? Because I'm the kind of person who can't stay mad at something or someone for too long. I know, it sucks, but I really can't. I usually either forget the reason why I'm angry or my anger just kinda fades away. So that's what happened today. I was angry- pissed, frustrated even when I reached back home.I mean, I went to school with high spirits and a hyper grin, but when I returned, my spirits were totally dampened and I was just feeling nothing. Just a mix of emotions. You know what changed all that? The grin on my little brother's lips when he told me that 'today's day was awesome. our teacher didn't let anyone fight.' Just those few words made my anger slowly vanish. After I changed, I urged him to continue and he told me about his entire day- his friends, his teacher, his class and his principle. As he continued to talk, my anger just totally diminished and then a thought struck me. 'What's the point of being angry anyways? They don't care about the students emotionally. They just want to do their job and get their salaries, so shouldn't I do the same as well? I'll just get some knowledge, try to study and do my exams.' Sounds reasonable, doesn't it? Granted, the anger hasn't vanished completely, but it's barely there now. In just an hour, all of the anger is gone because of a small living being. It almost makes me feel guilty for the past.

Faith is a poor substitute for logic and reason.

2008-09-05T14:49:00.000+04:00

It hurts. I mean it seriously hurts when the same topic and the same question is brought back every 10-15 days. I can't answer the question, but it's almost always directed to me and I can't ever give an answer to them. Their accusing eyes are hard to escape. It's as if they all want to taunt me for making this decision of mine, but what did I know? The one time when I wanted someone trustworthy, there was nobody to guide me. Sometimes they do, in front of strangers, assure the others that the decision made is a better choice as life there would be extremely hard, but I know the truth. It's all just fake. When the strangers leave, the same unhappy atmosphere will replace the one that was just there. Along came this other who isn't so close to me. A relative, but nevertheless, he isn't so close. He said it was okay and that life there would be better; everyone would be happier. Torn between the two worlds, I agreed with him and got a bit closer to him. Or so I thought. What did I know that he was just saying things and he didn't know any better? What did I know that once the decision would be made, I'd be regretting it every second day of the time I'm here? And then they all come and blame me. Some directly and some indirectly, but I understand what they mean to say- I've ruined their life and mine and well. They should have helped me, correct? But they believe that I should have asked them for help- only then would they know that I needed help. I was young and didn't know the truth about many others. Granted, I'm still young, but not as dense anymore. They, on the other hand, knew the truth about those people, so shouldn't they have guided me without me asking them? Perhaps they should have, but they didn't, so here I am and no matter what I feel, all those small little happinesses that sneak in their way just keep reminding me that if I didn't make that decision, they would have all felt happier.

Look for the girl with the broken smile. .. .

2008-08-20T22:17:00.000+04:00

Hey lovlies

I haven't updated in forever, it's something that I'm guilty of and it's because I haven't had time. Yes, believe it or not, I- Richa- have not had time to blog on this website (or any website, for that matter) Actually, before I came to India I thought that I had knowledge of many things and why was that? Because when I looked and compared the way people and I were in Dubai, I felt like I knew a bit more about the outside world than they did. Life proved me wrong- and not for the first time either- and the longer I stay in India, the more I realize that I actually have much to learn about life and people. It hurts and I feel so stupid and useless sometimes, but what am I suppose to do when I'm labeled something with a permanent marker? The label is not planning to come out any time soon, according to them at least. Sometimes, I just feel like writing down everything that goes through my mind as I find that it would be a pretty good idea, but whenever I start, it seems to be simply never ending. I suppose that's because I have too many thoughts running through my head. Not to mention, a few minutes after I usually start writing, a thought comes through my head and the thought is 'What's the point of doing this anyways?' After all, they're just childish, pointless thoughts, right? Perhaps not, but we'll never know I suppose. And sometimes I just feel like spilling everything out to one person, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. Ha. 'Never' is more like it.

Okay, okay. So I fully admit that the 32 or so days I've been in India, I've barely enjoyed myself. Perhaps only 3 or 4 of those 32 days have been enjoyable, but it's only because of a mistake that a certain person did in the past. Because of that certain person, my summer vacation- which I remind you, I'll never get back- is being wasted. It's alright though I suppose because I've learned something- quite a few things actually. Ha, my poor innocence. It’s fading away as the days pass by. Sorry to disappoint y'all folks! Joking. But really. The world is officially corrupted. Everyone. Every single person in this universe is money minded and if they say they're not, they're in denial or they're lying. It's as simple as that. Also, everyone has a reason for doing the thing they do. They don't just 'do it' or do it out of love or genuinely- honestly, they don't.

I also realized that I'm a complete idiot. A total idiot. But that's a story for later. Or perhaps not? Mm, we'll see. I simply find it hard to believe that my feelings. My feelings were manipulated and taking advantage of. See? That's why I say- this love and mushy stuff, this caring for each other- it's all fake or nonexistent. With all the things I've seen,well, I'm not sure how to actually believe in them, can you blame me? And god. Good lord. Just because my feelings were taken advantage of, my life is almost totally officially messed up. And it's true- no matter what anyone says. Even if they tell me to study harder or something to that extent, it's hard to believe that the results will be changed because, perhaps, that certain person will ruin everything again. Apparently, feelings are a weakness. A big weakness. But I knew that of course. I simply didn't think that someone close to me- or someone who was suppose to be so close to me- would do something like that and literally lead me to my 'doom'(then again, this word is so over-rated, so perhaps I should put something along the lines of 'the fiery pits of..' Ha. )

And then..I had another thought, like I always do. Why should I change myself for another person? Why, of course I shouldn't. That would be the simple answer, but when you're in such a situation that I was and still am in- it isn't exactly that simple. Ha, the irony- really. More on this later as my thoughts are jumbled up due to a movie that we watched a few hours back. I should write about the movie too, but as it's 4 in the morning, I think I'll pass.

Note: This entry was made on August the 2nd, but as I had no internet, I was not able to post this up. A more updated entry shall be written when I have more time.

Smile for the camera..!

2008-06-16T01:46:00.000+04:00

You know how they say 'a penny for your thoughts'? Well, I personally believe that, at the moment, my thoughts are worth more than a dime-not that I'm trying to be smug or arrogant of course. In the shower[yes, you heard me- the shower] I was pondering about life and it struck me that I hadn't ever explained my point of view when it came to this 'lovely' emotion called love. No need to moan yet as I am not planning to ramble about my entire life and waste your time. I'll just type vaguely, without touching any details, and see how it goes.

I'm one of those rare people that you'd meet- the one who doesn't believe in this 'emotion' called love. You heard me right- I believe that love does not even exist. It's quite ironic, isn't it-especially when you think about my personality because I seem like the one whose world would revolve around love, but no. I think I've gotten in touch with reality too soon and I'm ready to face the facts. I'm not one of those girls who'd be gazing out the window at night hoping that some day I'd fall in love with some prince and he'd come to rescue me. No siree. I'm not that stupid. Although it does seem like a nice though- doesn't it? Escaping from such a cruel, harsh reality, but that isn't important at the moment.

-pushes the pause button- Now hold up a minute. Before you people start pouncing on me, hear me out- loud and clear, okay? When I said 'love,' I mean certain kinds of love as I've come to know that there are many. Even love between siblings and family- I don't believe that they exist as well for the most part, but I'll expand on this thought later on in the future.

Alright, alright! So I admit it, I decided to procrastinate this post quite a bit and, well, let's just say that it didn't work out too well in the end. Basically, what actually happened is that I became bored of this over rated, pointless topic, so it ceased to exist in my blog. That was, until a certain reader of mine insisted that I post it back up for others to read. Yes, that's the part where I roll my eyes.

Yes, yes. You all must be utterly disappointed in me because I failed to complete an entire post, but I've decided to try to do something I've never tried before: write one entry per day before the first of July. Why the first of July? Well, there's various reasons to that and I refuse to share them here. I, of course, shall try my hardest to fulfill my goal because I'm quite determined to do it. On the contrary, I'm quite clueless on what topics I shall write. It's no problem, though, as I shall figure that out sooner or later.

And as I come to the end of this post, there are two things that I would like to say. Firstly, everyone and anyone is free to ask me any questions about any of my opinions and thoughts. Secondly, I truly will try and update this blog more often. I must thank you all once again for putting up with the nonsense I post on this website as I go hit the hay after being awake for 33 hours straight. [You heard that folks, 33 hours straight and that is no joke]

So apparently now, the world is in a crisis. Or is it?

2008-06-08T04:12:00.000+04:00

I know, I know. You lot must be thinking that I’ve got made by now. I mean, really, who writes a post about global warming after not posting at all in ages? Unfortunately, only a person like me would do something like this. Perhaps you also might be thinking that I’ve drilled too much of my Environmental Management books inside my head, but that is where you’re actually wrong because I have barely touched those books. Hold on a second now- hear me out before you close this browser of yours and assume that I’m a preacher of these sort of things.

I wonder if people know the true definition of Global Warming in the first place. For those who don’t know, let me help you out a bit. It’s the increase of the temperature of the Earth’s near surface air and oceans. The cause of it is increase of a gas called carbon dioxide--oh, forget this! I’m not in a mood to be so formal anymore.

Alright, well, firstly, even if Global Warming is just a lie, what’s the difference? Just because people have to cut down on driving or stop burning so much coal, they’ve started to make such a big deal. Okay then, let’s stick with that. Do people really think that carbon dioxide is harmless? Assuming it doesn’t contribute to Global Warming, do people really think that it’s still okay to continue burning so many trees? Well, guess what? It’s not, because carbon dioxide harms the marine life. Oh, by now I’m sure you must be thinking that the life of the fish have nothing to do with you. Heck, you don’t even care about the environment, so why should you care about fish? Marine life is very useful when it comes to different medicines, believe it or not. Many marine organisms give off toxins in order to repel predators. These toxins can be taken from the marine organism and utilized in the development of medicines. If marine biodiversity continues to decline, species containing potential wonder drugs could die off. And yet, even after that, people wonder why we’re not close to finding a cure for many diseases. It’s because you’re killing the source of the cure obviously! So instead of driving to that pizza place that’s just 10 minutes, take a few extra minutes to walk there because you’ll be saving a fish for ever minute you walk. Not to mention that you’ll be burning off some calories as well. So even if you think that this whole Global Warming phenomenon isn’t true, it couldn’t harm to stay on the safe side, could it?

Now back to my point of view. I’m such a person that when someone comes up to me and utters something about Global Warming, I would simply shrug it off as if it were no big deal. I mean, okay. Even if the amount of forest fires are increasing or the Earth is becoming boiling hot..Or even if many polar bears are losing their environment and the ice caps are all melting down, it has nothing to do with me, so why should I care? Heck, even if the world is about to end, why should I care because it isn’t happening next week and it definitely isn’t happening next week either.

That was before and still is now- mostly. Well, except for the part that I do care- even if it is just a bit- because I’ve started reading a bit more about this “crisis” of ours.
Then again, it’s so boring. See, I’m the type of person who loves to do –fun- things and enjoy life, so even if the world is about to end, let’s make the best of it.

Okay. So global warming. The solution? Using things that are carbon dioxide free, drive less, burn off less fossil fuels, and all of that jazz. Now what’s the fun in this all? I’ll tell you- there’s none. But see, if you use renewable sources instead of using the same old boring fossil fuels, doesn’t that lighten things up a bit? Doesn’t the new experience makes things a bit exciting? Use solar energy for the light in your house instead of a light switch! Or even hydro-power for your cars instead of using gas and continuously filling it up while wasting money and contributing more carbon dioxide to the environment.
I see, so that doesn’t sound that fun. Well, perhaps it’s not for you, so moving on. How about planting tress instead? I know, it’s crazy and stupid, isn’t it? Not. Seriously, read everything before coming to such a conclusion. It must sound boring, but in fact, it isn’t. Imagine, you plant a seed and then you return to the place in a few years- only to see that the small seed now towers you, height-wise. The feeling is just amazing and it’s almost as if you’ve actually accomplished something- which you actually have. Why? Because a single tree will absorb one ton of carbon dioxide over its lifetime due to photosynthesis. So not only are you taking away the carbon dioxide from the environment, but you’re giving –us- more oxygen as well. And trust me, with the rate of the population increasing, we really do need more oxygen in this world. Now if this idea doesn't appeal to you, I must say that you're a boring person who shall rot in the trench of Australia and who needs to cheer up more.

Actually, I’ve just re-read this post and it sounds completely and utterly stupid and, well, unlike me. Therefore, I’ve decided that I shall delete this entire post in a few days. Granted, it did take me about 45 minutes to type up this post of nearly 900 words, but that doesn’t matter. I simply felt like displaying my thoughts at the moment- which were, that the human race is pretty pathetic. Then again, I'm human as well- from what I've seen, but that doesn't make much of a difference to me.

Talley-ho and look forward to a better post after my exams~

Ri <3

And yet again . .

2008-05-03T13:24:00.000+04:00

It's quite sad when I think about the whole exam issue because I, for one, do want to study and score good marks. The only problem is that I can't get myself to study. Even if I do get myself to study, I still cannot answer the questions. I know the topic fully, but when it comes to the questions, I am stumped. It's rather frustrating. I think it's because of my lack of being able to 'think out of the box' and not being able to apply what I've learned. What can I do though? I cannot just change my nature so quickly.
Honestly, I can't believe this semester has passed by so quickly. It seems like just days ago we were having the class party for first semester to end. Because my mind refuses to fully accept that I have to move on and that this year is over, I can't push myself to study. Yes, it's strange, I know, but I just can't help it. I've tried almost everything and it just doesn't work.
Oh and did I mention that I am now officially addicted to roleplaying? I'm not joking at all. Half of you, lot probably don't even know what this is, but that isn't a problem as it isn't important to know at the moment. The thrill and the way you have to spread your imagination- it's fabulous! Granted, there are downsides to it since it utilizes a lot of one's time and when people decide to sudden leave you even though the story is going great, it gets irritating, but still. When roleplaying, you have to make sure that the story flows well and none of the characters get left out and to make sure it doesn't get boring, you must continue adding twists. Ah, yes, it's wonderful. I dislike two things though. One, the introduction. It simply takes too long and I find it too troublesome. Then again, it's required, so I suppose it can't be helped. Second, I really dislike the too 'advanced' people. They're merely irritating and think too highly of themselves. It's true!
Indeed this was quite a random post without one particular topic, but I still hope you enjoyed reading my thoughts.

Hold on!

2008-04-18T17:39:00.001+04:00

Now before I continue my next post, I'd like to justify and clear myself up. Not only to other people, but to myself as well. Like many people, when I'm caught up in my thoughts, I tend to write whatever comes to my mind without thinking it through fully. And as it seems, I'm quite addicted to blogging. Even if I haven't the foggiest idea what to write, I still want to keep writing(in this case typing) and writing.

In my last post, I had mentioned two subjects: Chemistry and Economics. As I had mentioned before, I said we don't use it completely but we do use bits and pieces of them. In addition to that, I had also said that those were merely examples. Hopefully nobody took my opinions too seriously. Moreover, I also said that those subjects are mostly only used if you actually go -into- that field. They aren't something that you would use in daily life, well, except Economics you would.

I'm in the mood for starting another one of my rants now, so that's exactly what I shall do. Most teenagers nowadays prefer watching television instead of reading books. It might not seem so good, but in fact, it isn't so bad either. For this topic, I'm pro for both the television and reading books.

Reading books, I agree, can get quite boring at times. Especially if the writer makes the book too lengthy, too descriptive, or too detailed [this includes details that are necessary and that are not vital]. However, one has got to admit that books are more powerful and meaningful. When you read them, you can interpret it on your own and analyse it your own way. The television and movies, on the other hand, give the point to the viewer in a very straightforeward way, not giving any room for the viewer to spread his or her wings and imagine the characters and the entire book. Of course I'm not saying that -all- people don't like the straightforewardness of the movie. Some people do prefer just knowing the things straight out than analyzing it throughly just to understand something. As over-rated this is, one has got to also admit that reading does improve one's vocabulary. Perhaps the person himself wouldn't notice so, but it truly does. Television series and movies operate things at a simple level of emotion reaction, so that anyone can surf through the channels at any time and know what's going on. They don't go deep into the character's thoughts or emotions. In addition to that, the plotline is usually the same thing and you can predict exactly what's going to happen next or in the future. What I mean to say is that it's so predictable, it just seems so boring!

Well, those were just a few thoughts of mine, for now. Look out for more of them!

Moving on. . . .

2008-04-17T21:29:00.000+04:00

Has anyone noticed that we have so many subjects in school, yet only a few of them are actually used in life? Not to mention, we aren't even going to remember what we learned in school for most subjects, so what's the point? For example, the subject Chemistry, what good will it do you in the future? Honestly, unless you major in that subject, it'll do one absolutely no good. So then why is it that Chemistry is still compulsory in many schools and curriculums. Of course this mini-rant has nothing to do with my hatred for Chemistry. Chemistry just turned out to be the first subject on my mind, so I picked it as one of the subjects. Other subjects that we don't use in general include Physics, Economics, Biology (although parts of it, we could), etc. The pure truth is that schools don't really teach anything expect how to obey orders. Looking back in the past 15 years of my life, teachers have taught me almost nothing. My experiences, thoughts, the people, and my surroundings are the things that have taught me many things that are actually useful in life: from trust to betrayal to how people truly are.
School cuts one off from the diversity of life. I mean there you are, sitting down in one classroom for 6 hours with the same people of the same age and social class. How boring is that!You don't get to know what's really going on and your social skills, of course, wouldn't improve to the extent that they could. That is why they made after school clubs, yes, I know, but my new school doesn't have them.

I feel it to be absurd and stupid that we have to listen to an older stranger shout at us and lecture us as if they have the right to. They can inform us and correct, yes, but do they really have the right to be so familiar with us and actually yell at us? No, infact, I don't think do because they are not my parents or my siblings. I can rant on this topic about teachers yelling at us forever, but I think I'll stop now and switch topics once again.Perhaps I'll continue this one later on.

There are about 168 and some hours in a week. An average teenager sleeps about 56 hours a week out of those 168 hours. That leaves them 112 hours. Oh, but I'm not done yet. About 55 or so hours are spent on them watching television or being on the computer. 30 hours are spent in school, 6 hours for getting ready and traveling, and about 7 or more hours a week in homework. During these 45 hours, the teens are usually under surveillance. Not to mention there's breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Suppose one takes 30 minutes for each course, that cuts out 9.5 to 10 hours of the remainder time. It's not enough. It's not enough, is it? Two hours each week to have private time and space. Having only two hours to be ourselves and try to create a unique consciousness-- of course that isn't enough! So what can we do about it? Not that much, but we can do something. Will we do anything to change it? No. Will we do anything at all? No. Because nowadays, that's how to world works and people don't really try to change anything.

At the beginning. . . .

2008-04-15T11:52:00.001+04:00

It’s funny. It’s almost as if I have so much to say, I really don’t know where to start. Being, well, me, I’ll start randomly in the middle of it all. And if anyone actually understands my posts, I congratulate you in advance.
Half the time, I’m having an internal conflict wondering what exactly is life and what’s the point of it. Do we all have to follow the same pattern and do the same thing as the other person lifelong? If so, why? Why can’t someone set a new trend or do something completely different from the others?
Obviously, I haven’t figured out the answer. If I had, I probably wouldn’t be sitting here in front of the laptop screen, pondering on such a question.
Perhaps it’s as some say and after you graduate from college, you’re free. Is that a fact though, I can’t help but wonder. What I mean to say is that, after college, one is completely busy, so are they really free to enjoy life and do whatever they want? Is the trend set to where nobody is allowed to enjoy themselves while they’re in elementary, middle, or even high school? Why is that so?

*Well, since a certain person suggested that I continue my thoughts onto the next post, that's what I shall do*