The Day I Write About Emotions

To say that it's been a while would be an understatement. A few things actually brought about this post. One, was a conversation that I was having with a friend about why she stopped writing. She said that she wrote when she had all these musings in her head, but when she got into a relationship, her significant other was like her 'vent-box' so the need and want to write decreased. 

That made me think. Is that what happened to me as well? Being so transparent with my emotions to others that I didn't need an outlet to reflect upon my own emotions, thoughts and actions?

Another friend of mine brought up the fact that when it comes to appealing to the certain senses, there are many people who are very visual, but I could potentially be one who's more into reading. He also introduced me to a different platform where people write all different types of thoughts, emotions and fantasies in all ways. However, not quite sure if that's for me. 

Regardless, there's been a concoction of emotions inside of me, and the fact that it’s so volatile makes it more frustration. Perhaps the below is the best way to describe it.

‘Don’t know how to swim?’ You said, “Jump in and I’ll catch you.”

“Don’t believe in love?” You said, “Try, and I’ll never let go.”

Took a deep breath, shivered and somehow managed to stutter it out.

Felt like even with layers of clothing, I was naked. Vulnerable.  

Still, here I am, going around in circles in my own head

Thinking about you oh-so-often. So frustrated. So tired. So confused.

Was it worth it?

Hold me, give me all the love and attention I need want.

Don’t cajole me; don’t smother me.

Don’t over bear me; don’t over shadow me.

Before you came, there were boundaries and you treaded on gently.

Why are you trying to push your way in now, or so it seems?

Stop. Just stop, and let me be.

I want you, and don’t at the same time.

Let me stay in my own mind.

In my own life.

I have my life and you have yours.

Don’t over bear me; don’t over shadow me.

I’m a part of yours, and you’re a part of mine.

That’s all that’s there to it.

Don’t stretch it. Don’t push it.

I refuse to give in completely.

I refuse to give myself up.

I refuse to indulge in such banter.

I refuse to keep myself in this state.

That’s it. I’ve decided.

It’ll stop. I’ll stop it.

No more weakness.

No more such thoughts.

No more wants.

Just deep breaths.

In your dream I saved you, but in reality am I a monster?

SO it's been a while. Again. I'm not too good at this, it seems. But since I'm here, why not just spill what's been on my mind lately. 

Many things have been going on in my head lately. Some good, some bad. But who’s to judge what exactly is good and what exactly is bad? Is what pricks at your conscious bad, or is it what society looks down on that’s actually bad? But I suppose either way, I wouldn’t really consider my thoughts filled with cotton candy, flowers and rainbows. Although I’d love some cotton candy right now- regardless of the fact that it’s five in the morning and I’m deprived of sleep. So this might be a bit of a ramble. Then again, when’s it not?

How strong can your faith and confidence be in someone else- rather than yourself? It’s a question that’s been lingering in my head for a bit but I’m not sure whether I’m ready to test it out. Though honestly I think I have faith in a few others more than myself. But by going through with this. Any of this. Would I be stretching the rubber band too much that it would snap, just because of me? I’m left to wonder.

What if all the scenarios don’t play out the way they are set in my head? What if things change, feelings change, the situation changes and I can’t control things anymore. Regardless of how much I can go with the flow and do like when others take control—if things don’t work in my favor this time, will I be in complete loss? Will I be isolated, left alone and completely disheveled? Maybe I will. But is that all I have to worry about? Is any of this worth the risk?  I’m left to wonder.

Life without risks is pretty bland isn’t it? It makes me think: if you have a person who’s good, loving, caring, sweet and genuine in your life—why would you take a risk on that. Would you take a risk on that? What if the emotion of happiness is lacking? Then perhaps you would take that risk. But what if you weren’t sure about what the lack was. What if you were just suddenly dissatisfied with everything around you and he was a part of it. What if you think you need a change? But you’re still not sure. Then would you take the leap and risk the person at stake? Or everything at stake? Perhaps not so much. But what if it’s worth it? What if there’s a satisfaction at the end of it? On the other hand, what if there’s just pain at the end of it- for everyone. Then what? I still wonder.

So yep. It’s a situation. Some might think it’s stupid to ponder so much and would recommend to just ‘go with the flow’ or just ‘ignore the others’ but it’s not that simple because I care about the others as a friend. If the others were just acquaintances or strangers, their feelings would not be taken into consideration so much but because they are close friends it does matter to me. Every bit of it, especially their emotions towards me- it’s not so easy to shove them away or stomp on them. Then again, I also wouldn’t want to completely shatter the one who cares about me the most  because I do have that capability. And that’s why for now, I just keep on wondering.

The Conflict of the 'Dreaded' Day

'Tomorrow', I'll no longer be a teenager. I'm going to be turning 20. Not overtly young, like some teenage girl but an age still youthful and not at all jaded. However, I'll no longer be able to use the excuse of 'being a teenager' anymore. I'll no longer be able to do whatever I wish without thinking about the consequences. I'll be an 'adult'- mature enough to take responsibilities for my actions, without being able to use the sentence: 'It wasn't my fault!' So, the question is: am I ready for it?

Twenty. It's the year of mixed emotions and I'm not sure whether to look forward to it, or dread it with all of my heart. Sometimes it feels like certain things are going to be expected of me as I become that age- firm decisions are going to be have to made. People are going to have to move on; infact -I'll- have to move on. Things aren't going to be the same and the premonition has been backed up by too much foreshadowing. I suppose the phrase 'growing up' will be having to be used quite a bit too. It won't be about 'wants' anymore- it'll be all about the 'needs'. 

From a young age, I constantly worried and thought about the future: that there was not enough time to think, not enough time to be- but here I am now, and it hasn't made a difference. The twenty years- or rather, the past 2-3 years have passed by in an instant. And the answer is still unknown- to all those many questions I've had in my head since childhood. The lingering thoughts and memories of 'true friendship,' late night outings and secret talks-oh, those carefree times- they all keep replaying in my mind, slapping me in the face and forced me to question whether all those things would ever occur again. There is a tiny sorrowful pain inside me because I know that I can never go back to that time where life seemed weightless- where 'we' could do whatever we wanted, wherever we wanted and whenever we wanted. 

But is it the time now, to pull myself back? Have I really been letting myself go too much? Instead of having a routine, my life has been like a stroll in the forest- having no clarity and hardly any direction. Everytime I find a certain direction, though, I end up at a dead end with nowhere to go; either that, or I find that I've ended up exactly where I started. I spend hours watching random youtube videos with my stack of book next to me, I go out extremely frequently- get yelled at the next day and still repeat it all over again. I procrastinated again this week- majorly. I barricade people who try to get too close to me. I'm stubborn as a mule. My deadlines are literally in a week.
Yeah.. And I'm not supposed to be intimidated or frightened about the thought of being an 'adult'. Totally. Still, I don't want to be daunted by the fact that things are currently changing in my life and going to keep changing. Losing touch with old friends; making new friends- getting close to some; drifting apart from others. Happy and sad; tired and weird; scared and excited; filled with mixed emotions. I'm bound to be a wreck of some sort- "a mixed bag of emotions- fear included" but I really don't want that to stop me. I don't want those 'what ifs' and '..but's to take over to such an extent that I'll be shying away from the experiences of life, no matter how unfamiliar it is. 

At the same time, I don't want to indulge myself in such a situation- put myself at risk so much that I feel trapped- as if I've fallen in a hole and can't find my way back up. Especially when I know a certain someone is so dependent on me- even if it's just a bit. Even if they're relying on someone else more, I know there's a small 'unrealized' expectation from their side in relation to me. Especially when I know that because someone else has 'messed up' so much that I'll have to stand tall and be their pillar of support- through the winds or the storms; through the sun or the rain. I just can't afford to lose myself in it, but when I'm personally undecided about the issue, I don't see how easily I'm suppose to do such a thing.

But heck- I'm almost 20, and I still don't know how to make tea, change a tire or start a fire. The only things I can probably 'make' are instant noodles and sausages. Government and politics are equivalent to latin to me(and let me tell you something: I dont know, nor understand a word of latin).I don't know how to blowdry my hair or put on mascara. I also still don't know CPR, or how to swim. And my 'skills' of networking are close to non-existent. 

So am I ready to be 20, as the original question was?

Not even CLOSE.

A ‘solution’ in which the solute and solvent are unknown

Jan 6^th: What needs to be understood is more than what can be explained. The rush of feelings, the concoction of emotions, the continuous expressiveness: they only end in continuous inner battles in which there seems to be no winner.

The main question seems to be what I want because that itself is unclear. Or perhaps it’s clear as crystal and the obstacles to achieve my ‘wants’ are far too large, and things simply aren’t in my control- atleast to a massive limit, they aren’t. My wants aren’t completely mine, after all; they’re to be shared with an opposite party and one has to come to a middle ground or compromise about their ‘wants’ because if it’s solely not mine, how can I be so selfish?  But is it really selfish to voice out my opinions and stand up for what I ‘want’? Is it really about selfishness though: does it mean that if I don’t share my wants then I’ll be the selfless one in this relationship? Does it mean that if I compromise myself to a large extent then I’ll be the selfless one? I highly doubt it.

It’s not like I’m scared of him or of his feelings; right now I’m more apprehensive of the whole situation because of –him- itself. The feelings are rather overwhelming (still), surprisingly. However, I think I’ve managed myself quite well due to certain circumstances and hormones that have decided to overcome other emotions. I reckon it’s a good idea to be wise at this point of time though, even though ‘instinct’ and ‘wants’ don’t really come in that category, do they? Neither does spontaneity. darn it.

Today: Just because I step a toe into the sea doesn't mean you have to push me into the entire sea. I think you're forgetting here that no matter what I've been through I still haven’t learned to swim- not yet at least. Still, with your weight and pressure, you've dunked me into the sea refusing to help me further. Independence, they call it. Stubbornness, they call it. To me, it's like a gem waiting out in the open- waiting for me to grab it. Should I take the opportunity and prove it to you what it really is? Once I’m pushed to such an extent, I can’t promise that I'll return back to land- back where you are. No guarantee at all.

 It’s aggravating and irritating for you to think that way about me. It’s a fact that you’re a  degrading, judgmental character but I didn’t think you’d go this far as to disregard my status in your life just because of mistakes made by you. However, I think I know where this is going and as tempted as I am to rile up a fight, I know it’ll be a silent one- one of the most deadly ones.

The 'Reality' of Life

“Change is inevitable”- whoever said that knew what they were talking about, but hopefully knew that most of the world wouldn’t be happy with that concept. I’m obviously inclusive in the ‘most’. If things transition in front of you in a positive way, it’s quite easy to embrace it since all you have to do is go with the flow. However, when everything’s drastically changing in a negative direction and you can’t do anything about it- let’s just say it sucks.

I’ll seek and keep searching, and yet not be able to find what I’m looking for. Now the question is: what exactly am I looking for? It could be the understanding of people around me, it could be the desire to gain more materialistically, or it could just be the solace of knowing that I’m not alone. If only it was that easy.. If only..The problem is when you have the question placed in front of you and you have neither the answer, nor a solution. You just have a blank chalkboard staring at you with its beady little eyes, waiting for an answer- waiting, as if there’s all the time in the world, when there really isn’t. 

14 minutes and 49 minutes. That’s all it took to end things. As for the other 5 and a quarter minutes and 28 minutes? I’m not sure what they were for- I reckon just to help in speeding up the absorption of thoughts. Things are said, words are exchanged but I have no choice but to just accept things. I’m unable to question why anymore- unable to question why…Situations like this make me wonder who exactly is capable of hurting who. Sure, there are some people in this world who are more open with their emotional self, but there are some who try and shut out that part of their life as much as they can. A barrier is put up so that they don’t acknowledge that side because it might not be as accepted as the other side is or it might portray them as vulnerable; in this world now, who wants to be considered as vulnerable- especially with the connotation of ‘weak’ it has linked with it. 

I genuinely never wanted to hurt anyone; infact, I never want to hurt anyone. I’m not such a saint though- I won’t say that I want to be hurt either; nor will I say that I’ve never ended up hurting people. I don’t understand how the label ‘good person’ could be given to me if I’ve ended up hurting a person. Why, if a person claims to be so genuine, would they would refuse to share their true feelings with me- is it because of the intimidation of the person not being on the same emotional scale? Why would you give up something so meaningful, if it meant anything to you in the first place- were there hidden motives in it from the start? Was I ever valued as a friend- even those 2 years ago? There are questions, lots of them but no room to ask them. There are no rights anymore, to ask such thing. 

I don’t want to accept things, but I will have to. I want happiness for myself and other people are entitled to it as well- even if I don’t believe in the term ‘compromise’ on a major scale. He(A) has a right to be happy, even a small bit and if I’m not permitted to be a part of it, so be it. Things are better this way- clarified, rather than unsaid or drifted from one another- wordless. It hurts; I’d agree, but it hurts me more to compare the pain I’ve given him rather than what he’s imposed on me. I simply can’t consider myself a ‘good person’ if I’ve ended up hurting him to such a massive extent that he hardly has any choice but to indirectly hurt me with a decision- a decision which might lead him to happiness. I just wish to apologize…because I wish it had been something mutual; I wish I could have given him what he deserved and I wish I could have been in that position where he would rather spill his guts out to me, in a sober manner- rather than seeking out acquaintances. But it’s his comfort- it’s his happiness. 

How much longer will this go on- these ‘changes’….These situations….These circumstances of which I can’t take control of….How much longer? (Being powerless is not something I’m rather fond of..)

Sinking at a location that lacks lifeguards

Yet again my heart feels restless but for a very strange, selfish reason. I know the reason and I know the cause but so far I have no solutions on hand. Honestly I'm not the type of person who could be a loner. Scratch that. If I had a choice, I'd never want to be cooped up in solitude. It's not because solitude brings about anti-socialness but rather, in my case, it's something that can drive me to the brink of madness or depression. Some claim the statement to be an over exaggeration but that's the hard core truth right there. Probably the most truthful I've been to myself the whole month. Thinking abt the past is a common cause in making individuals feel down, however, in my case the present could lead me to turning insane- it's like realizing all over again that you're a rabbit stuck in a hole that's too deep to jump out of and no matter what all your efforts are futile and you're trapped. The worse thing? I can hardly do anything about it because almost everything is out of my control. I hardly believe in ‘destiny,’ ‘fate’ and things of the sort, so when I find situations lay out in front of me of which I’m in no control over- where I can’t pick my own options, my brain starts becoming quite frenetic and irritated. I try and find an escape- I honestly do, but I feel like I’m running out of options now and one of the main things which I was clinging onto in this place are disappearing, making me feel all the worse. I haven’t given up yet, and I’m hoping never to, but for now I have to come up with some conclusions which I shall put into action and hopefully they'll work .And I really do before I revert into someone I can’t change back from.

Wishing and refusing to wait

My mind feels restless. So restless. I can feel sadness, yet again, making her place in my heart- weighing me down, like an elephant who’s far too hefty for it’s own good. I had a conversation with a person a few nights back and couldn’t help but wonder if I was too honest. Who would have thought that I would ever use the phrase as ‘too honest,’ right? However, sometimes in this country it really seems like a common used one. You lie and commit a sin; it’s completely stupid of you to do so because it can lead to the straining of a relationship. On the other hand, if you’re too honest won’t you just end up scaring away a person- making them drift away or back off? Who knows.

It irks me to a vast extent that we’re in the same grounds as one another and our communication is kept to a minimal; it honestly makes me wonder if I’m done something wrong. Being the person I am, starting a conversation isn’t a difficult task, but it makes me wonder if I have a right to anymore. More than being irksome though, it hurts. It hurts so much that all I can do is just watch you and listen to you and not just closer no matter what. It hurts.

“Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to a selfish motive. It is a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves. ” - Stephen Kendrick, The Love Dare

I wish I could eradicate a horrible trait that has developed within me for the past two or three years. I completely and utterly loathe it and wish it didn’t exist. Every time it rises I suppress it. Every single time. I just cannot let it release- I simply cannot, because I know how disastrous that could be, and all the consequences that could follow with it. I know the amount of relationships, close and far, that could be spoiled- which could be destroyed. I know how many people would vanish. I know how many people it would hurt. But God- it’s getting difficult. It’s getting so difficult to stop myself. And yet… Yet I’m tempted to take such a decision which would force me to tread on such precarious grounds.

I wonder if that’s because I have the chance of doing something good for once- even if it’s just a tiny bit- or whether I’m just stupid.

How many more mistakes will I make until I learn..

How many more people will I hurt until I change....

Like a Small Flicker Of Light That Can Burst and Light Up the Whole Town

It’s an overwhelming feeling when you know you’re being trusted so much; when you feel like that person’s heart is in your hand. The way a heart can be enveloped because of all the care.. It’s an especially overwhelming feeling when you don’t know what to do about such a thing. Sometimes you just want to take a leap- hoping that you won’t fall into a bottomless pit, and that there will be someone to catch you (if not, at least some form of concrete ground). Is it worth it? The thought seems so futuristic, but should it really matter, because end the end it’s only supposed to involve you and me, right? But it does matter somehow- it does. Live for the present; be what you are- true phrases to follow by. After all, ‘how do you know there’s going to be a tomorrow,’ you ask. How do you know, indeed..

I've made it clear that I refuse to compromise, or give up what I believe in. A bridge of which I've come to a standstill at, but I'm not going to chose between two things that are important to me. In the long run, it might be harmful, but for now, I just want a bit of freedom and I believe I've established that quite clearly. If you don't wish to believe me, I shalln't say anything in return, but it seems that we've come to an understanding so far, especially since you value my honesty. 

What you ask for though is a chance. A mere chance. A leap of faith. Is there a way that I might be able to give that after all- just a small one so that I can test the waters and not drown?

No matter what I just don’t want a repeat of what happened before. If it happens again, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to save myself. Still, I don’t ask for much in return at all. I’ll give you a chance- and perhaps a bit more. All I want in return is happiness. That's it- just happiness and honesty. Are you capable of giving me that? 

║ Those Rusted Chains of Reality║

Can you blame me if my mind is filled with irritation and rage? How would you feel, indeed, if your parents had a completely different image of you? If you were trying to portray an image of one who you were not, and they conceived a different image, then it’s a different story altogether. However, if you’re just being your real self with no hidden intentions; while being completely pure, you’re being accused of atrocious things- well, it’s not really such a justified thing then is it?

In my opinion, that’s basically what happened to me. To be honest, I’m the type who loves things told to me bluntly. Sure, I might be a bit taken back by one’s words because that’s quite natural, especially when it comes to an insult, but honest words are just that way and I can’t change them. However, when they’re utter nonsense, what am I to think in return?

It’s ridiculous- especially when I replay any of their words in my mind. What do they want from me, I’m not sure anymore. I try, in almost everyway to try to make them happy; it seems now I’m slipping up from that in some departments. Is it because I’m drifting off a bit away from them and becoming a little independent? Funny, I always thought that it was a good thing.

Just when I thought one thing, and started to admire one, because of such an incident, my respect for that person would slip. How can you even think of me as such a person? I might not be the brightest person on planet earth, but I’m not the stupidest. I might be tempted to get carried away at times, but sometimes I just want to be stuck in a dream; is it necessarily a bad thing? Perhaps so. But my feet still remain on the ground as I know what I want- I know what I’m doing, for the most part. All my decisions might not be right. I might not be perfect. I might not be ideal daughter, but can’t you just cut some slack for me? When it comes to something like that, I’ve tried to push all my thoughts and tried to suppress my voice, but it’s so hard to when your words are filled with nothing but presumptions and rubbish.

Nevertheless, here comes a crossroad where I have to weigh people who are important to me, who are my priority- versus my own judgement and stance in life…

                Wish I didn’t have to pick because either way, I feel like I’m going to be losing something, or worse—someone.

The Day I...

Perhaps it’s a defence mechanism that was created unintentionally because of the plenty scalpels cutting through my heart.  Or it could be that I’m just like the others; no matter what I do, I’m unable to escape the stereotypical characteristics of an Aquarius. I’m not sure how it happened- or even when it happened, but once the realization moment has sunk in, it sunk in really deep.

Louis Althusser had proposed that there are all these ideologies that are implanted into our brains through certain institutions, like the educational system and the religious system, when we’re young and they’re instilled so deep- so deep that they almost become a part of our DNA. No matter what, we can’t deny them, nor escape them. When you actually think about all of this you realize that all those morals, ethics and all that you were so proud of- that made you an ‘individual’- they’re not even your own. They’re just implanted there to control you- to rule you over and to indirectly suppress you and keep you in your own little bubble. Therefore, what’s actually right and what’s actually wrong?

I’ll admit that I’m not used to people leaving me- or at least not because of an accepted reason. I can get stubborn to the extent that I refuse to accept that their role in my life is over, but does that really make much of a difference? It’s not like it’s actually going to make anyone stay. That’s the whole point of life, though, isn’t it? Growing up, changing, moving on. Is it all inevitable though? Is there really no such thing as forever? Sometimes, I do feel like challenging such a word, but would it be worth it in the end—to go to such an extent, I wonder.

It’s happened before quite often- where I’ve let someone in so close. So close that I even started to doubt my own thoughts, my own beliefs. So close that I almost completely gave in and lost myself. The surrounding people were the ones who shook me up, inviting the thought of it all being a trap, a delusion, in my mind. It was a heart-breaking thought to think that someone so genuine could turn out to be completely fake. Someone so caring could turn out to just be a show-off, but knowing the world now, I wasn’t so sure who to believe anymore. Still, the soft corner of my heart- although it hadn’t become completely mush- didn’t harden like clay whenever I heard his voice, or had a small glance at him.

It was perhaps the trigger which led me to setting an involuntary boundary between myself and him. Us. The word always was so ambiguous whenever I thought back on it. Most of the time I refuse to let myself think upon it, but whenever I do, the thoughts are nothing but muddled. Dubbing the label of a romance relationship seems to degrade our relationship while the label of a friendship seems to devalue what we actually have. Albeit I wasn’t the kind to show it, but to me, what we have is something that my lexicon seems to be limited for. I never was, and probably never will be, the kind to analyze so much because I don’t think- I just feel and even if I do, I’m not the best at expressing it. You’ve known me for longer than plenty; you should know that by now.

Still, I apologize for all the hurt. All the pain. All the confusion. All those moments that you would like to erase. I apologize for any second with me that you regret.

Because one thing is for sure, that I don’t regret a single one.

Looking Beyond the Surface to Find Something More

It’s so ironic I’m writing this right now, after now horrible I was feeling a few hours ago. But all that had vanished as I started listening to music. At first, it was the same music- just listening to the kind which helped me escape from my thoughts. Those hyper, incomprehensible songs which just lifted my spirits up almost immediately. Then I started listening to the other kind, moments later, the ones which actually made me think. The gears in my head started moving so quickly, the thoughts kept coming and coming. The beat of the rhythm and the voices—how powerful and /meaningful/ they were—some of them even succeeded in bringing goose bumps to my arms.

Music is rather amazing isn’t it? According to any mood you’re in, it can match with it. (In this case, I’m referring to English music as most people reading this/if any would probably know English songs) You want to be happy, want to start dancing- start listening to songs like Stereo Love or Who’s that Chick. If you want stay in that calming mood, listen to Azure Ray. If you want to listen to something perky of the such, there’s Owl City. If you’re frustrated and want to get it all out, listen to heavy metal or a rock song. If you want something that isn’t too hard and yet is on the rock side, There’s Nickelback. If you want to listen to something inspirational, there’s Pink or What are Words by Chris Medina. If you want to listen to something meaningful, yet rap there’s Eminem and Immortal Technique. No matter where you’re from, no matter what species, race, gender you are, music is the answer to it all.

Which brings me to my next topic. One thing that seems to be rather difficult to achieve in this world now is happiness. As we grow older, it gets harder and harder to achieve—or is it just you? The desires keep rising- wanting a house, wanting a car, wanting a family, wanting money. But before he get started I wanted to make it clear-- wanting to become happier is /not/ a selfish pursuit. Happier individuals are more likely to go out of their way to aid and support others. Second, don’t think that happiness will just /come/ to you. You can create the situation or opportunity. And even with just your thinking, you can be happy. Wanting to be happy isn’t something superficial or shallow- believe it or not—but people would rather opt to go out and take up swimming classes instead. If you think about it, human beings basically only of manipulating the external world; they never stop to examine themselves. Sure, in this ‘fast-paced’ world, who has the time? But if you have the time for yoga, movies, reading and your dancing classes, how can it be so different to put some time aside for yourself?

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

Happiness can mean many things to a person. It can be just a goal in life that they have to accomplish. It can be something that they’ve been yearning for. It can also mean, simply having peace of mind. However, it also depends on whether you’re talking about being happy- as in a state of mind- or having happiness- something that’s more ‘eternal’.

People have claimed that being in their house, copped up for too long tends to make them depressed, passive or bored. They can do other things in that time, to make themselves happy- like listening to music or cleaning the house(if that makes them happy) but generally for people, group activties and socializing tends to bring this happiness. But even if don’t have group activities or aren’t too good at socializing, don’t think that you can’t be happy. People often assume external conditions will change for the better or let chance determine their response. Why not, instead, /you/ change the conditions instead? But of course, for that you have to know what you want.. Bringing us to the next subject…

Here comes the other question-so what about permanent happiness? Is there such a thing in the first place? I had the doubt a couple of times myself, especially after seeing how distressed majority of human beings are because of problems all around the world. I got my answer, moments later. Permanent happiness can be achieved only after attaining Self-realization. I do realize plenty of this all might seem to be so cliché to majority of you guys, but the truth is right there, and yet people chose to ignore and be oblivious to it all. Self-realization can help us understand who we are, which consequently makes us understand what we really want.

Majority of you must be scoffing by now. “Who we are? Of course I know that. I’m (insert name)” But wrong you are. This name is only a title given to identify your body, just as store names such as Care-four and Kroger are given simply to specify the store's presence. Who /you/ really are is what you are beyond those words, beyond all those labels given by you and others. Permanent happiness tends to come from within oneself while temporary comes from other sources- like people and objects.

Now see, I’m not going to bring God into this because not everyone believes in him. There are various thoughts about that concept in the first place and it’s a rather touchy topic, so I’m not even going to go there. However, eternal happiness doesn’t always mean Heaven/religion/God—for that matter. It could just mean being in the state of divine happiness. It depends completely on the belief, thinking process, and understanding of an individual. Divine happiness can be experienced by truly desiring it. It comes from within, when we understand its true meaning and worth. Negative emotions like greed, anger and such suppress this happiness since we’re so caught up in those negative emotions which seem to over take our lives. However, abandoning those negative feelings, seeks and recognizing the goodness in all that’s around you- as hard as that may be. Permanent happiness, enables us to face the ‘wrath’ of the world, every sorrow and misfortune that it attacks us with. It doesn’t mean that you’re oblivious about all that’s surrounding you- that you’re so involved in yourself that you don’t care about anyone else. It only means that you’re strong, in every aspect, so you’re able to tackle those things easier than usual.

All of this simply might seem too good to be true, and you might be saying that all of this is preposterous, but I really have met some amazing people who’ve reached this level of happiness and are blissful to the core. Where, literally, nobody can stop them at any point. No matter where they want to be and what they want to do. And I, of course, want to be in the list someday as well. And I definitely will be!

Now at this point, I’d love to write more about this and I could go on, forever and ever about something like this, but I’ll continue another time surely. Till then, don’t give up on your goal to attaining happiness!

In darkness and desolation fighting for a warm breath

It’s so strange how people are able to recognize and remember the people who were in the wrong and forget and accuse the people who were right. A genuine person might be curious about you and want to help you. He might be doing all in his power to help you, but to an extent, not to able to tolerate your prejudices and immaturity. And he might have not been able to help you in every possible way because he, too, has a life and other priorities. Does that make him a bad person, a ‘jerk’, a hypocrite? How so-- because if someone understands that, do explain.

Example two. What if there’s another person- a student who tries his/her (let’s stick with her) very best, but even that doesn’t seem enough? And sometimes, she is slightly outspoken due to the circumstances she is put in. Does that mean that the teachers/staff have the right to detain that student and refuse her needs just because her efforts weren’t enough as her full potential wasn’t able to be revealed?

What if a person really has no ulterior motives to getting close to you? What if she really does want nothing from you? Is it that hard to believe? You aren’t perfect, nor that great to be honest. It’s also your mindset and your delusional thoughts that lead you to think so. But in all honesty, especially character wise, I’ve met better. I’m no judge to say that I’m a better person than you, but I know for sure that you aren’t the best. Your words contradict your actions and your thoughts contradict your words. It isn’t that hard to be yourself, as long as you have some courage. As long as you’re in the one who’s in right-- who can put you down and accuse you of being in the wrong?

We’re hardly mature, grazing at the age of 18, but that doesn’t mean that we’re stupid either. Long gone were the times were crayons were broken instead of hearts and erasers were lost instead of friendship. Therefore, I hope with all my heart that you get exposed, someday, to the fact that there are bigger things in this world than just you and your problems.

Missed Connections

I couldn’t figure out the reason why I stopped writing and I still can’t. It wasn’t because I knew that there were people out there reading (-waves to invisible readers-) and judging me. It wasn’t because I had no time either. Perhaps it was because I couldn’t find a point in it. ‘What’s the point anymore?’ That phrase has always gotten me nowhere in life and it even managed to deviate me from something I really liked doing- writing.

So as to overcome that ridiculous, completely pointless thought I’m going to resume writing here. I’m not going to force myself anymore, but I’m not going to stop myself either. Even if people are judging me, if they don’t want to come out and say it, it’s their fault. Even if I’m incapable of letting out my thoughts by a mere keyboard, I shall try to do whatever I can because I’ve realized that I’ve never gained anything by giving up the things I liked doing. Which also included sketching, socalizing, skating-- and things of the sort.

Granted, it might not be the best time for me to do so considering the fact that in a few days my final exams are coming up, but when’s there a ’right’ time for anything really? I’ve been pondering on plenty of thoughts- the same thoughts- for the past few months and they continuously replay through my head, not allowing me to make a firm decision about what, indeed, I’m going to be doing in the near future.

For a person like me to be stumped over such a thing is strange because I loved taking risks, chances and doing what I wanted, but what changed in the midst of these years that I haven’t been able to take a firm decision? Perhaps it was the fact that one decision, which was made 3 years ago, changed my life in a not-so-happy way and I refuse to let that happen again. That probably is the reason, yes. But that shouldn’t stop me; not at all. I can’t predict what’s going to happen to me in the future, so why am I hesitant? Perhaps it’s because I know that one mistake of mine will continue to be emphasized over for years, taunting me every day of my life. Just like how the decision of 3 years ago sometimes still does.

But I want to break that. I wish to start somewhere. Bring home what I can and work to my potential, not letting people and their fake ‘sincerity’ and such get in my way. A person I know told me once. “To get somewhere you have to first start somewhere.” And that’s just what I’m doing to do. Even if things don’t go according to how I want them to go, somehow or the other I’m going to make it through. I know I am and I know I will.

Let's Set This Stage on Fire

I’m not sure what happened between us. It seemed like when we were apart, things were so much better. Our friendship was better. Once we met, things seemed to have changed. You wanted to be with other people. You didn’t want to talk to me as much. You seemed to want to drift apart and I know that you aren’t stupid- I know that this is all willingly from your side. One thing confuses me though is the reason to all of this. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to let someone else as close either. But I decided that I’m not going to push myself towards that person anymore. Because I care for her, I’m going to give her the space she wants and let her do whatever she wishes. In the end, it’s okay because, I hope that she gets the happiness. Even if it isn’t in our friendship.

What I wouldn’t give to bring us back to what we were. Sure, I was hurt by you, but the feelings that come with those treasuring moments and wonderful times I had with you overtake the pain. Atleast once in a day, I can’t help but make a connection to you, whether it’s subconsciously or not. Whether it’s a small or big one. I just can’t seem to help it. And yet I know that there’s no way that things can get back to normal.Back to how they were before, at least. But things have changed within my heart- that’s for sure. Even if it’s just a bit.

I wish the answer would just come to me. I realize I might have not been trying as hard to find an answer on my own, but what if I never end up finding one? It’s not even about being good enough for it. What if I’m just not suitable for any of it? What if the decision I make ends up putting me in a wrong position? Just like the decision that was made three years ago. Everytime a topic similar comes up, I can’t help think how different it would have been otherwise- if three years ago the decision was different. I only hope that I can continue to find something to look forward to look for in the future. If that one thing is shattered, I just might go out of control-- and not in the best way possible.

On another note, so far, school isn’t too bad, surprisingly. Perhaps it’s wise to mention here that the naptime in school feels awesome as well. Granted, I’m a person who can sleep almost anywhere, but that’s a different story. I guess my theory was right that if I had only taken two subjects- Chemistry and Physics, my life wouldn’t have been as stressful as it is now. Unfortunately, I’m sure that my Biology teacher is bound to come back to class in a week or so. As they say, everything good must come to an end.

Fortunately, this blogpost hasn’t come to an end. Not yet. I’m actually super excited about this coming week. Surprisingly, it’s not because my birthday is coming up. Rather, it’s because of a way sillier reason. The fact that I might get to see a proper India/Sindhi Marriage. True, I did get to see my cousin’s marriage, but some parts of it were pretty different, according to my mother. So, let’s see how it goes. Downfall, however, is the whole desi outfits and girlness? Yeahh, not so appealing, but let’s see how it goes this time around. : )

Lingering Feelings & Tumbling Thoughts

Too early. Too freaking early in the morning for all these thoughts to be running through my head. Each time I try and successfully escape those thoughts, they try to sneak back in every chance they get. Confronting certain thoughts and people, at this stage, might be a good idea as I would come to a solid decision and finally make up my mind about plenty of things. However, it’s not possible for me to confront certain situations, even if they are lingering feelings which don’t allow me to totally close the chapter. For example, I might have pushed that person away from my life as much as possible because they’re not supposed to be worth it anymore. Because our friendship isn’t what it was and I can’t keep forgiving things like this. No matter how easy it is for me to forgive things and forget them, some things aren’t supposed to be forgotten it seems. But then when I think about our past together, the things we shared, the silly things we had in common- I can’t help but wish to revive those moments and wonder if it was worth losing you. Perhaps it was. Perhaps it was time for me to move on. Even if I’m gone from your life, it shouldn’t make a difference to you because it was bound to happen sooner or later. The only thing is that this all occurred way sooner than I thought it would. But to this date, it still kinda bothers/hurts me that you did that. And it seems like you don't care or feel even the slightest guilty at all.

"Never Make Someone a Priority, When all you are to them is an Option." -Unknown

‘A’ said that there’s no way I could completely forget about you. It’s not a total bummer because all those times with you made me experience things and learn things that I probably wouldn’t have otherwise. Of course, you helped me further emphasize my train of negative thoughts about ‘love’, but it’s okay. However, it can be quite the bummer at times because you’ve clearly moved on with the rest of the girls in your circle, with your oh-so-busy life and with every thing else that continues to keep you on your toes while making me nothing but a mere memory for you. I only wish that the past memories didn’t continue haunting me every time a similar situation came up.

"I never knew it would be this hard to lose someone I never truly had." -A Human Being whose name I cannot find

I had a small hope, I guess, that things would be the same if we met this time as well. I mean it’s always been like that. We’ve hung out for hours, talked endlessly, had plenty of fun and then had a huge break between seeing each other again due to circumstances and whatnot. This time, however, things seemed to be different. Atleast to me, it seemed. I couldn’t place my finger on it exactly but some thing was different. Maybe it was the fact that you’ve changed and are developing into a new person. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve changed and can’t seem to agree with you on everything you say or do even though you’re my friend.I suppose you, as a friend, but i don’t agree with your decision and actions. But i’ve realized, and convinced myself, that no matter how much I care for you that it’s okay as you’re the one who has to face the consequences. Making up excuses just because you want to do something is fine if you really want to do it, but in the end I guarantee you that it’s not going to get you anywhere. But from thinking now, I’ve realized that it’s not you who’s changed or even me. It’s us. The thing we call our ‘friendship.‘

"We've all grown up, and there's no denying that. But it's tough to tell if in that growing up, we've simply grown apart."- Unknown.

Hm. It's sad. The people who are 'unknown' or not famous are the ones whose quotes best matches these situations and hose quotes I totally agree with.I suppose it's not the name that matters in the end anyways.

♠ You don't know what you got, until it's Gone ♠

Warning: Yes,It is a another rant. Two posts in less than a month, what a miracle, right? Names will not be disclosed here or in reality- I gave enough hints as it is. If you don't care or understand this post(which wouldn't be a surprise to me) skip the post, or do whatever makes you human beings satisfied.

I still get frustrated when I think about him.
All that time I put in, and then it all falls down .. ?
It makes me cringe. I was so stupid.
I know he's changed. I hope he's doing better.
I think things are better now. For him at least.
It wasn’t meant to be. I should have known that.
You and me are finished. I can’t continue.
I’m almost glad I stopped myself in the past.
I don’t want to know what could have happened in the future.
It would have hurt more. Right?
-----------------------------------------------
Was it all just another facade of yours?
You’re getting better by those day by day.
You know you’re flawed, claiming that you don’t know the good in yourself.
All I do is reassure, but now I’m thinking back on my words.
What is friendship to you? Am I just another part of the crowd for you?
The part that spills out their guts to you and gets nothing in return?
The one that tells you what ever is on her mind and then gets talked about behind her back.
By you? If so, I don’t want this anymore. I can keep you as an acquaintance, like before
I can push you back to where you should be. It might hurt a bit.
But I’ll get over it eventually. Maybe you’d be more satisfied then.
Will you be?
------------------------
Judgments on this? I don’t care to be honest.
It’s my space. It’s my own little bubble.
People want to flame, comment, go ahead.
I’d like you to- what can you conjure up?
The others are too intimidated.
But now things are changing.
I need to rise up again. Not for them, but for myself.
In that one sense, I refuse to give them the satisfaction
Of course, they’ll only say things amongst themselves.
Not one has the courage to say it to my face.
Say it to my face. Right this very minute.
I dare you.
-----------------------
I can’t seem to concentrate on my studies. I need to stop taking so many breaks.
I wish to stop my mind from drifting to other topics which linger around in my mind.
I don’t know why these thoughts keep running through them constantly, as if a marathon is occurring and a winner isn’t emerging from there. I keep thinking on and on about endless things- about nothing and everything.
And in a flash, time passes by without me knowing.
Tick tock.
Next thing I know, it’s been two hours since I started writing
-----------------
I want...
A pill to make me numb
A pill to make me dumb
A pill to make me anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save me from myself
(This is the lyrics of a song I heard a while ago. Don't remember it, but it popped into my head while I was writing)

Gotta Bounce and Make Sure the Echoes are Heard Everywhere

Warning: Yes. It is a mindless rant. Majority of you might not understand it or care due to its error and content. Deal with it. Or just skip the post- even better, no?

There are so many people in the world. Worse than you. Worse than me. The thought is supposed to be reassuring, but it hardly is.Firstly, the thought that other people are worse makes me feel bad because I can’t do anything for them and they probably don’t deserve it. Who deserves such bad in their life after all? Second, the other thought that I’m just sitting here doing absolutely nothing makes me feel even worse. If there’s something wrong, something bad, I should be trying to do something about it right? So why am I not? Why am I letting the past discourage me once again? Why are all these excuses popping up in my head? Why am I allowing everything to distract me from what I should be wanting to do and what I really should be doing? So what, if in the past, things haven’t worked out exactly how I’ve wanted them to? Atleast they’ve been not totally hopeless right? At least they’ve been somewhat good because I put some effort- something into it. At least things weren’t, and haven’t been completely utterly and totally useless. It’s because I tried. I fought. I didn’t back down.

Why am I here anyways? Being the way I am now. This isn’t me. What happened to all that willpower? So what if the motivation left. What happened to all that spirit and that fighting power? Was it that weak? Internally, I refuse to believe that because then this wouldn’t be me. What happened to all that stubborn-ness. That hard hearted-ness. It doesn’t just disappear like this. How could I let it all go to waste. It’s been more than four years. You don’t let stuff like that just disappear. All this, sitting around, moping or even complaining. It doesn’t suit me at all, so has it become a part of me already? Is it too late to eradicate it from within myself? I’m not a person like that. I don’t want to become a person like that. so why am I getting spoiled and allowing myself to get like that? Just staring at the walls, the laptop screen and not letting anyone or anything affect me. Being totally indifferent to all. That’s not like me at all. What has happened? Whatever it is, I dont like it at all.

I’ve gotta roll back to the beginning. Roll back to how things were. Whether it be reserved or not, I don’t care about them but I gotta care about it.

A Not-So Small, Yet Small Gap

It's like no matter how much the attempt, you can't get the feeling out from your mind and heart. No matter how much you try to divert your attention away from those thoughts, they keep creeping back onto your mind. Just a weekend was enough for the gist of the feeling to spark- imagine if the separation goes on for weeks and years.. to the extent that it's face would be blurry in my memory- to the extent that I would have lost a friend without even the realization moment hitting me. Was it a friendship in the first place or a relationship of convenience- the question strikes once again. Was it possible for one person to deceive the entire batch into thinking that they were best friends, or even more? Perhaps so, or maybe people just saw the surface of it all. Not what was under those layers, beneath the broken smiles and lifeless eyes.

To Be That Plastic, Barbie Is Probably The Best Role-Model. And She’s Not Even Real or Animate.

I don’t like people who degrade or insult their friends in front of others. Even if I had to correct you or insult you, I wouldn’t do it in front of everyone else because their image of you would be lowered. I believe that friends and family have similar points in plenty of ways. I mean when you’re talking about your family to other people, you wouldn’t expose all of their flaws and their issues, would you? It’s pretty much the same case when it comes to friends, according to me. Why do you have to insult your friends in front of others anyways? To show that you know your friends better than others? To lower the standards of what other people think of your friends? To higher the mental standard of what other people think of you?

So it’s not like I don’t want to be all active and social, but if it means being like them, no thank you. I’m the kind who can’t compromise her morals for anything. Flattering adults endlessly. Being overfriendly to people of the opposite gender. Pretending to be interested and hanging onto every word an acquaintance says so intently. Plastering a smile on your face and making sure that it remains that way the entire day regardless of the actual state of your emotions and heart. I’m sorry, but there’s no way I can do all of that and debase my true self that badly. To me, it just seems absolutely senseless and idiotic for someone to compromise their true self, personality or mindset just because-they want to be friends with everyone, want people to ‘follow’ them and be on their side or want to be a people pleasure.

Which brings me to my next point. I really don’t understand how people can fake their way through everything. Even though they’re miserable and depressed inside, they smile like fools pretending that everything is okay when it’s definitely not. How stupid indeed. Do they think that just because they pretend to be happy that they’re actually going on be happy later on- that things are actually going to be all dandy at the end? If so, many people out there are quite delusional. They’re clearly living in a fairytale world because things do not work that way- not in reality at least. What’s the point of smiling from the outside if you’re gloomy from the inside anyways? It's not like it's going to make you internally feel any better.

Which brings me to my next point. I really don’t understand how people can fake their way through everything. Even though they’re miserable and depressed inside, they smile like fools pretending that everything is okay when it’s definitely not. How stupid indeed. Do they think that just because they pretend to be happy that they’re actually going on be happy later on- that things are actually going to be all dandy at the end? If so, many people out there are quite delusional. They’re clearly living in a fairytale world because things do not work that way- not in reality at least. What’s the point of smiling from the outside if you’re gloomy from the inside anyways? It's not like it's going to make you internally feel any better. I do understand that people are against others pitying them, but then you don’t need to explain everything to them. Simply show you true emotions, who you are and what you are. That itself is good enough. And honestly, it’s not that difficult. After all, the best judge is life is yourself and God- not anybody else.

Because it’s not just all about you

So I disliked my last blog post, a lot. It just didn’t seem to personify me at all- like how my blog posts usually tend to. That fact irritated me to such an extent that I was even tempted to delete my last post, but I forced myself not to do such a thing. For now at least.

School hasn’t been the greatest experience in the world, but I’m learning how to deal with it. It’s hard to believe that just in 2.5 months of not seeing some people, they’ve changed so much. And not all that change is exactly good. Some people have become more distant, others more selfish. Some so caught up in their world of ‘popularity’, seeming to prioritize socializing and popularity over their real friends. It’s sad actually. Very sad. Confronting those people or questioning those people would have been quite a good idea, I thought at first, but then should I really be the one to tell them so? Should people, at the age of 18, be so oblivious to the fact that they’re changing in a negative way or drifting away or being absolutely stupid? And also, who am I to point out everything to them- about what happened to them, their change, the different personality that I’m now seeing in them? Sure, I’m supposed to be his/her good/close friend, but to pinpoint so much just seems to be rather selfish and a bit too reprimanding. Hello—try to grow up and not be so oblivious in your own little, fake happy world which you’re trying to make seem so flawless and filled with absolute joy.

I’m not saying that I’m completely the same of how I was 3 months ago because things have happened this summer to change parts of my viewpoints and my mindset. But to say that I’ve undergone a huge change- especially a totally bad one is a wrong statement. People usually deny when they’re accused of something or when their negative points are pointed out but I wouldn’t do such a thing—much. I understand that it’s human nature to do so because who wants to hear their faults and flaws spoken aloud? But still, I personally find it impractical to deny such a thing when that’s what I actually am or when it really is my fault.

So change is inevitable- it’s something that happens whether we like it or not, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t mould it in a way which would be positive for us and our live. Of course we can do that. The only difference is that some people are too thick to notice that things around them are changing and they’re changing—and I’m not talking about a positive change either. And sometimes, it can get quite irritating and yet we’re forced to put up with those people or situations. How sad.