The Day I Write About Emotions

To say that it's been a while would be an understatement. A few things actually brought about this post. One, was a conversation that I was having with a friend about why she stopped writing. She said that she wrote when she had all these musings in her head, but when she got into a relationship, her significant other was like her 'vent-box' so the need and want to write decreased. 

That made me think. Is that what happened to me as well? Being so transparent with my emotions to others that I didn't need an outlet to reflect upon my own emotions, thoughts and actions?

Another friend of mine brought up the fact that when it comes to appealing to the certain senses, there are many people who are very visual, but I could potentially be one who's more into reading. He also introduced me to a different platform where people write all different types of thoughts, emotions and fantasies in all ways. However, not quite sure if that's for me. 

Regardless, there's been a concoction of emotions inside of me, and the fact that it’s so volatile makes it more frustration. Perhaps the below is the best way to describe it.

‘Don’t know how to swim?’ You said, “Jump in and I’ll catch you.”

“Don’t believe in love?” You said, “Try, and I’ll never let go.”

Took a deep breath, shivered and somehow managed to stutter it out.

Felt like even with layers of clothing, I was naked. Vulnerable.  

Still, here I am, going around in circles in my own head

Thinking about you oh-so-often. So frustrated. So tired. So confused.

Was it worth it?

Hold me, give me all the love and attention I need want.

Don’t cajole me; don’t smother me.

Don’t over bear me; don’t over shadow me.

Before you came, there were boundaries and you treaded on gently.

Why are you trying to push your way in now, or so it seems?

Stop. Just stop, and let me be.

I want you, and don’t at the same time.

Let me stay in my own mind.

In my own life.

I have my life and you have yours.

Don’t over bear me; don’t over shadow me.

I’m a part of yours, and you’re a part of mine.

That’s all that’s there to it.

Don’t stretch it. Don’t push it.

I refuse to give in completely.

I refuse to give myself up.

I refuse to indulge in such banter.

I refuse to keep myself in this state.

That’s it. I’ve decided.

It’ll stop. I’ll stop it.

No more weakness.

No more such thoughts.

No more wants.

Just deep breaths.

Lingering Feelings & Tumbling Thoughts

Too early. Too freaking early in the morning for all these thoughts to be running through my head. Each time I try and successfully escape those thoughts, they try to sneak back in every chance they get. Confronting certain thoughts and people, at this stage, might be a good idea as I would come to a solid decision and finally make up my mind about plenty of things. However, it’s not possible for me to confront certain situations, even if they are lingering feelings which don’t allow me to totally close the chapter. For example, I might have pushed that person away from my life as much as possible because they’re not supposed to be worth it anymore. Because our friendship isn’t what it was and I can’t keep forgiving things like this. No matter how easy it is for me to forgive things and forget them, some things aren’t supposed to be forgotten it seems. But then when I think about our past together, the things we shared, the silly things we had in common- I can’t help but wish to revive those moments and wonder if it was worth losing you. Perhaps it was. Perhaps it was time for me to move on. Even if I’m gone from your life, it shouldn’t make a difference to you because it was bound to happen sooner or later. The only thing is that this all occurred way sooner than I thought it would. But to this date, it still kinda bothers/hurts me that you did that. And it seems like you don't care or feel even the slightest guilty at all.

"Never Make Someone a Priority, When all you are to them is an Option." -Unknown

‘A’ said that there’s no way I could completely forget about you. It’s not a total bummer because all those times with you made me experience things and learn things that I probably wouldn’t have otherwise. Of course, you helped me further emphasize my train of negative thoughts about ‘love’, but it’s okay. However, it can be quite the bummer at times because you’ve clearly moved on with the rest of the girls in your circle, with your oh-so-busy life and with every thing else that continues to keep you on your toes while making me nothing but a mere memory for you. I only wish that the past memories didn’t continue haunting me every time a similar situation came up.

"I never knew it would be this hard to lose someone I never truly had." -A Human Being whose name I cannot find

I had a small hope, I guess, that things would be the same if we met this time as well. I mean it’s always been like that. We’ve hung out for hours, talked endlessly, had plenty of fun and then had a huge break between seeing each other again due to circumstances and whatnot. This time, however, things seemed to be different. Atleast to me, it seemed. I couldn’t place my finger on it exactly but some thing was different. Maybe it was the fact that you’ve changed and are developing into a new person. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve changed and can’t seem to agree with you on everything you say or do even though you’re my friend.I suppose you, as a friend, but i don’t agree with your decision and actions. But i’ve realized, and convinced myself, that no matter how much I care for you that it’s okay as you’re the one who has to face the consequences. Making up excuses just because you want to do something is fine if you really want to do it, but in the end I guarantee you that it’s not going to get you anywhere. But from thinking now, I’ve realized that it’s not you who’s changed or even me. It’s us. The thing we call our ‘friendship.‘

"We've all grown up, and there's no denying that. But it's tough to tell if in that growing up, we've simply grown apart."- Unknown.

Hm. It's sad. The people who are 'unknown' or not famous are the ones whose quotes best matches these situations and hose quotes I totally agree with.I suppose it's not the name that matters in the end anyways.

Never Back Down Because The Hurdles Are Higher Than Your Physical Height- They're Never Too High For Your Internal Strength.

Hey guys. So, I’ve been kinda stuck in my head lately. And it’s not always that fun. And it’s getting insane. I’ve pretty much been consumed by the internet, for the past 3 months. I feel like I’m just losing time- have no idea how time’s going by like this. In June, I had preoccupied myself with going out as much as I could. In a way, I was escaping everything that I shouldn’t have escaped, but it was alright because it was satisfactory. And I don’t regret it. In July, I toned down my outings and tried to be with my family more, but I didn’t spend at much time in my thoughts like I should have. But anyhoo- that’s beside the point. I wanted to blog today considering it’s been a while. So here I am now.

So. I try to avoid sleeping. Perhaps it’s because it’s a habit or maybe it’s because I think that if I sleep, I’ll be wasting my summer vacation. I mean otherwise I could be watching another episode of a series, chatting with a friend, reading a book—doing something. However, sleep is necessary. What I’ve realized though, is that I love sleeping, but going to sleep is something that’s definitely not on my list of ‘happiest things to do’—not that there is a genuine list in the first place.

Raksha Bandhan is tomorrow. For those who don’t know what is it, it’s a hindu festival which basically celebrates the relationship between brothers and sisters. The festival is marked by a sister tying a holy thread called a rakhi, to the brother’s wrist. The brother, in return, offers his sister money or a gift and says that he’ll protect her and all (whatever he wants to really). And the sister gives the brother sweets—mainly methai(which are Indian sweets). And he feeds her some too, traditionally. So the thing is that we celebrate it every year and all, so it’s usually pretty cool, but the thing is that I’m slightly more excited for it this year because it’ll be the first year in plenty that both my brothers will be here with me. Granted, my older brother shall only be there till the afternoon as he has other things to attend to, but his presence—for a few hours even—is satisfactory enough for me.

So I was thinking this a few days ago- like 1-2 days ago actually, considering I went to Diyafah for admission and things didn’t work out there. Considering the grades I got in my AS level examinations (which would have made an extremely depressing blog post) I’m not all too sure whether I’ll get admission into my current school . Now see, I would like admission into my current school because life would be more convenient for me. Granted, my teachers would be all disappointed at me, but that’s a different story. So what if I don’t get admission into my current school. Then what? Obviously, my life shaln’t be over. I could do all my subjects privately (although it would be quite demotivating and enhance my laziness) or I could take up a fulltime job for one year somewhere and earn some money. Both options seem to be more tempting than just rotting at home, don’t they? Of course they do because I’ll actually be somewhat productive if I chose to do any of those. So, yes, my life won’t be over.. But I’d still prefer if I got admission in my other school.

So yeah, that’s it for today basically. I did have plenty to write about considering I hadn’t updated in like quite a while, but because of the time, I think I shall continue on another time. After all, I'm supposed to wake up early tomorrow so that I could have a head start on things.

Refusing To Get Caught In the Spider's Web

“I’m hoping for the best for you because you’re my friend.”
I know.

“Stop going on facebook or whatever’s distracting you.”
I understand.

“Start a little at a time and work yourself up the ladder.”
I get it.

It really does make sense and I know it, but it feels like whatever I say now seems like nothing but an excuse, but what do I do? That really is the case. I’m lazy. I hardly feel like trying anymore because when I try, nothing good comes out of it. When the moment is good and when I start having hope, things get scattered. The small bits and pieces of my memory get lost and then I’m back in square one, where I started.

So apparently now, whenever I rant or whenever I ramble—and whenever it concerns myself, it’s called whining. And apparently, whenever I think about things that don’t concern sunshine and rainbows, I’m wallowing. Uh huh. Are you serious? If you don’t want to hear me speak or ramble or rant, who’s asking you to? You can just tell me in the beginning, or cut me off and tell me the truth.

I want to write never-endingly. I want to just spill out everything and anything. The problem, now, is not that I don’t have the words to do such a thing. The thing is that I don’t know where to start. I might not even have the time to do such a thing. I just don’t know. And sometimes, I’ll admit, I don’t have the words because sometimes it’s just all so hard to express in the vocabulary that I know.

Realization dawned on me today as I was sitting in the front seat of the car. Unintentionally or intentionally, I don’t know, I’ve been avoiding that place because it’s the place where those old memories easily come seeping back into my mind. I’ve been making sure to go everywhere except that place it seems just so that I don’t have to remember him again. I’ve been avoiding listening to those slow, melodious hindi songs because they reminded me of him. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not hung up on the guy. I don’t even have a crush on him if that’s what you think because these infatuations are silly, useless little things. However, those memories are something that just tend to irritate me sometimes because in a way or two, he managed to diffuse through my not-so-permeable walls for a few months before things got a bit too concentrated and I had to throw him out. Not that he was complaining really. I know that makes me sound all bitter and such, but I didn't exactly throw him out. It's more like circumstances were such that he just had to make a temporarily exit from my life. But did I know that it was going to be temporarily? No. I almost made the same mistake when the year of 2009 started with another person, but then I caught myself after a while because I refused to do something wrong again.

Which reminds me. God. When I got that message from her, after almost a year now, I was so stumped. I refreshed the page because I didn’t believe it. Honestly. I was completely flabbergasted since I was expecting to be forgotten forever, but no. I guess not. So I did what I usually would have done and I replied back. I wonder how much she’s planning to mess around with me now. And I still miss her. What an idiot I am.

So, don’t mind it. This post was just bits and pieces from my “wonderful” mind and it doesn’t flow at all. But oh well. I did want to write more too, but then in the process of writing this much, the rest of what I wanted to write flew out of my brain, sadly.

‘ey! Hey, Hey Shawty! It's Your Birthday!

Yes, you heard it right. No, not that I'm /short/ or anything. But rather that it’s my birthday! Sure, it’s almost over (it being 11:35pm and all), but that won’t change the fact that I’m officially seventeen now. Yep, the one and the seven being smashed together to make a two-digit number. Of course it doesn’t feel any different, but it usually doesn’t feel any different. However, I know that I’m to supposedly be more responsible and mature now. After all, the more of those 365 days you live, the more things are placed on your shoulder, but it’s okay because life goes on. It’s another sign that you’re growing up and that things are changing.

I know things are changing. I look back at the events that took place 365 days ago and can’t help but smile. It was so different back then. All girls together. Most of them knowing about the day. Loud singing. Distribution of chocolate. Organization. Surprises. Unexpected calls. However, this year was different: disorganized, yet quite fun. Hardly any few, but it was okay. I’d rather have those genuine few than the whole horde of fake ones. I don’t need them. Expectations not being met up. Things that weren’t being expected happened. Food- junk food. Lots of it was included today. It was eventful- at school at least.
So I was supposed to paste up those two paragraphs you see above on my birthday itself, but I didn’t exactly get a chance to. Now, I start this third pargraph on the actual date it posts here- January 29th(At least that’s what it is where I live). As you would have guessed, January has been an extremely eventful month for me. To be honest, this year itself has been flying way too fast. Many people keep emphasizing on the fact that they can’t wait until July and until they graduate from their school and get to university. For some reason, I can’t agree with most of the crowd when it comes to something like this. Perhaps it’s because of the indecisiveness of majors or universities. Or maybe it’s just because I want to cling onto these memories and times and not let them go so quickly, but it’s not like I really have a choice now do I? Time waits for nobody; not you or me.

So my new year’s “resolution” of posting a blog entry every week didn’t work out, but it’s alright. It just seems like I haven’t had any time to gather all of my thoughts as a whole anyways. Honestly. My thoughts and mind feels like it’s scattered here, there and everywhere I can think of. A brief of what’s going on there just at this very moment- at almost 2 in the morning. Universities. Marketing. AIDA. Majors. Phone call. Random tune. Writing. School. Chemistry. Product. Stage. Members. Useless people. Unpunctual people. Middlesex university. India. Work. Tuitions. Catching up. Throwball. Starting to study. Religion. Sleep. Energy drink.
Yeah, but of course- those are only the things at the top of my head. If I want to think even deeper into what’s actually lurking inside my mind- I’ll go mad or get a headache; I want to stay away from such a thing at the moment.

So, I am going to face them. I’m going to face it. I can do it. Why in the world not? First part, it’s on a stage. Plus, it’s been ages since I tried and the fear is just within my mind anyways. Just count to ten in my mind and breathe; I’m sure I can do it. As for the second part, I can tolerate them because they’re humans too. Just because I have more preference over one kind than the rest does not mean that I hate the other kind. Because I don’t. That’s just lame and it puts me in the same category as these other stupid people- of where I refuse to be. Third part is probably the hardest [as it has to do with my /life/] and I’ve been procrastinating on this for exactly a month and one day now. I just don’t know how to put it into words when I pick up the phone and hear /his/ voice. What am I supposed to say? What if he starts accusing me? What if my tiny hopes get shattered too? As it is, I’m keeping them as low as I can because of what I was told yesterday. Keep your opinions, eh? I’m not blind, nor stupid. Just because one person doesn’t confront me doesn’t mean the other person won’t. This isn’t school, hon. This is reality. Forget the hopes too; it’s okay. It’ll happen. It will work. I will talk. I will see. I will make the decision. I will figure it out. I will sort things out. And right now, that's more important than anything. Almost anything, that is.

Because I’m me.

If I can’t do it for me. Who will?

Peace Is All That I Wanted But I All I Got Were Howling Voices And Loud Rapping At the Door

Things are easier said than done, aren’t they? But sometimes those words are strong enough to make you believe the impossible and believe even those mere lies that drip out of one’s mouth. However, those words sometimes just aren’t genuine and can put you down. Some people think that reverse psychology can bring you everything. That if I put you down, you’ll rise up. Newsflash! It doesn’t work that way- not always at least.

Sure, in the next 10 years, I might not be in touch with the same friends and I might not have the same people with me, but I know that there are these handful of people which I wouldn’t want to let go so easily. Not for the reason that I’m attached to them or anything because it’s rather hard for me to do something like that. It’s rather, because I know that with our percentage of compatibility, it’d be hard for me to find someone like that around anywhere. And the trust I have in those handful [3-4] of people- perhaps I wouldn’t share the same relationship with anyone else for a long time. However, if one of those three people thinks that there’s no point of a friendship and they’re only going to be there temporarily, why should I even bother? Isn’t that like them telling me that they’re only indirectly using me? Why do such a pathetic thing? Why even bother thinking so far in the future? If you and me were meant to carry on our bond and if we try at it- why think that it’s going to end so early? Heck, why think about it ending at all? Thinking about the future is perfectly fine, but to such an extent? Why must we all be so obsessed with it- trying to analyze and find out about every speck of it?

So, I wanted to become a psychologist. Or become a psychiatrist. How this dawned upon me? Besides the fact that I’m extremely fascinated with the human kind, it was probably because of all the mess and confusion and questions that people and my mind has been bringing me. Now see, I can listen to someone, I can advice them and I can be patient with them. Whether it’s a small problem or whether it’s a large one, I can probably help a person out. And even if I can’t, I’ll make myself to help them out. I don’t exactly follow the same style as others- as in just preaching pointlessly or preaching in such an idealistic way of which the real world would scoff at, but I know the difference between the right and wrong of the universe and my own right and wrong. A psychiatrist? Well, I realize that many people have problems in such where it just can’t be cured instantly or with words. What they need is more than just consultancy, they need to be medicated. However, many people call these psychiatrist the lunatic doctors, which is- partially true. Yet, it seems like my decision isn’t exactly supported. I mean how did it go from intensive medicine to doctor to this after all. It isn’t supported- not by my parents because they’re fine with it- for the most part. It’s something else. So, I realize that, but now what? I can’t just run after it. There’s a barrier blocking me. A huge one. And the longer I wait, the more the barrier is growing.

Ah, life used to be much easier once one just goes along with it and decides to flow along with the rest of the fishes in the world. But then, once I started trying to figure things out and piecing things together—once I started trying to connect each piece together to make one giant puzzle, things started becoming insane. Ah, the happiness of being oblivious. The bliss of not knowing. The bliss of not caring and just being so free. The happiness of just going with it. The happiness of not bothering with things or concerning yourself with others. But now, it’s all gone. Things have changed. It’s not fun anymore. If only my mind was in the right place- if only it wasn’t all over the place. They’re all so selfish, so utterly selfish and stupid. I should have guessed before shouldn’t I have? I tried to stay on the bright side though- having some hope in this thing people call humanity, but where it is nowadays? Only within those handful of people that contribute to the population. I’ve seen them though and somehow, I can’t help but keep this hope within me.

I can’t help but wonder a few things. Was it really a miracle? How can they- or even you say it was when you worked so hard towards it? Don’t say you didn’t. I saw your sagging face everyday. I heard your gloomy voice on the phone. I knew you were sleep deprived for months. I could see the bags below your eyes, the weak smile that could hardly be conjured by you and that took so much energy to bring about. I wonder if he has really changed for the good or it’s just a cover up. I wonder if he really learned his lesson from being away and being mentally tortured for those 58 days. I wonder how long it’s going to take for the truth to be shown. For the curtains to finally come up and for everything to be revealed.

Sick of being here, there and everywhere. No more philosophy. For now.

Wow. It seriously has been a while, hasn’t it? Honestly, I’ve been wanting to blog since such a long time, but there was a huge of problem which I couldn’t overcome—I had no internet and, obviously, without internet there’s no way I can blog. Since last blog entry, lots has happened, it’s unbelievable. My life seems to be more eventful than a movie I tell you. And I’m not over exaggerating- although I do wish I was.

My father went to India a week or so back and the very day he reached India, I caught a fever. It wasn’t a minor one either as I had a temperature of 103. I came back from school dizzy, shivering and with a fever. Let’s just say it was not a good combination at all. I didn’t do anything that day except sleep of course. Or at least I tried to sleep, but I was feeling really uneasy. Perhaps it was because of the fever or because of something else I just couldn’t place. Then we got a call in the middle of the night when all of us were trying to sleep- a call from my uncle. Yes, it was quite the surprise because my uncle usually doesn’t interact with my mother and he was calling her on her cellphone. More than anything, what was unexpected was the news that was conveyed through the phone call.

Yes, it seems like my grandmother- my father’s mother- had passed away a few minutes after midnight [India time, of course]. She was going through a lot of pain and she was really weak. Not to mention she was quite the aged woman, but my logic didn’t work against my tears. What could I do? A mix of the news and my fever was not exactly the best combination there was. Nevertheless, I stayed strong because I was really worried about my father more than anything because it was his mother and also because he was alone in India. My mother texted my older brother in the states telling him the news about my grandmother and the news shocked him a lot as well.

Then again, my Chemistry test was absolutely because of my emotional and mental state at that moment .I found out that I, apparently, can’t concentrate very well with such a fever. And the results of my test really did bring me down. It’s like I re-found a whole bunch of new guilt that was stored in the corner of the cupboard. But that’s over. It was a few weeks back and now things are settling down although it feels weird to stay that I have only one grandmother left and nobody else. Things are stable now and we’re all fine and recovered. We’re strong. We know that it’s better that she was put out of her misery instead of staying on this Earth and suffering so much. Not to mention that she did live her life and tried to enjoy it. And my dad- who loved her so much- was there for her till the very end and I believe that was really appropriate.

So my fever was running for an entire week- 10 days to be exact and it was not pretty. I’d had headaches, stuffy noses, dizziness- the package. I, of course, refused to go to the hospital since I was sure that my fever would diminish and it did eventually. Actually, towards the end the fever started to turn into a cough. A really horrible cough. And to be honest- that cough is still somewhat there, but I’m perfectly fine now. For the most part at least. My little brother on the other hand? Not so much. Yesterday he got really sick. And I mean really sick and he’s getting better, but not by much. His fever is like the people’s moods here. It’s FLYING up and down constantly. We can’t tell whether he’s getting worse or better and the reason for the weird changes in his body. I only pray and hope that he gets better quickly.

To be honest, my original plan was to write more and to write a longer entry. Not because I owe anyone anything because I don’t. It was because I really wanted to, but something happened. As usual, my train of thoughts got interrupted and my flow of writing just stopped. The emotion and state of mind I was in changed and I couldn’t continue with the very same topic. Granted, I could have just moved on to a separate topic, but if I need to do that I’ll probably just write another blog entry. Just to make it more organized. Or something to that extent at least.