The Conflict of the 'Dreaded' Day

'Tomorrow', I'll no longer be a teenager. I'm going to be turning 20. Not overtly young, like some teenage girl but an age still youthful and not at all jaded. However, I'll no longer be able to use the excuse of 'being a teenager' anymore. I'll no longer be able to do whatever I wish without thinking about the consequences. I'll be an 'adult'- mature enough to take responsibilities for my actions, without being able to use the sentence: 'It wasn't my fault!' So, the question is: am I ready for it?

Twenty. It's the year of mixed emotions and I'm not sure whether to look forward to it, or dread it with all of my heart. Sometimes it feels like certain things are going to be expected of me as I become that age- firm decisions are going to be have to made. People are going to have to move on; infact -I'll- have to move on. Things aren't going to be the same and the premonition has been backed up by too much foreshadowing. I suppose the phrase 'growing up' will be having to be used quite a bit too. It won't be about 'wants' anymore- it'll be all about the 'needs'. 

From a young age, I constantly worried and thought about the future: that there was not enough time to think, not enough time to be- but here I am now, and it hasn't made a difference. The twenty years- or rather, the past 2-3 years have passed by in an instant. And the answer is still unknown- to all those many questions I've had in my head since childhood. The lingering thoughts and memories of 'true friendship,' late night outings and secret talks-oh, those carefree times- they all keep replaying in my mind, slapping me in the face and forced me to question whether all those things would ever occur again. There is a tiny sorrowful pain inside me because I know that I can never go back to that time where life seemed weightless- where 'we' could do whatever we wanted, wherever we wanted and whenever we wanted. 

But is it the time now, to pull myself back? Have I really been letting myself go too much? Instead of having a routine, my life has been like a stroll in the forest- having no clarity and hardly any direction. Everytime I find a certain direction, though, I end up at a dead end with nowhere to go; either that, or I find that I've ended up exactly where I started. I spend hours watching random youtube videos with my stack of book next to me, I go out extremely frequently- get yelled at the next day and still repeat it all over again. I procrastinated again this week- majorly. I barricade people who try to get too close to me. I'm stubborn as a mule. My deadlines are literally in a week.
Yeah.. And I'm not supposed to be intimidated or frightened about the thought of being an 'adult'. Totally. Still, I don't want to be daunted by the fact that things are currently changing in my life and going to keep changing. Losing touch with old friends; making new friends- getting close to some; drifting apart from others. Happy and sad; tired and weird; scared and excited; filled with mixed emotions. I'm bound to be a wreck of some sort- "a mixed bag of emotions- fear included" but I really don't want that to stop me. I don't want those 'what ifs' and '..but's to take over to such an extent that I'll be shying away from the experiences of life, no matter how unfamiliar it is. 

At the same time, I don't want to indulge myself in such a situation- put myself at risk so much that I feel trapped- as if I've fallen in a hole and can't find my way back up. Especially when I know a certain someone is so dependent on me- even if it's just a bit. Even if they're relying on someone else more, I know there's a small 'unrealized' expectation from their side in relation to me. Especially when I know that because someone else has 'messed up' so much that I'll have to stand tall and be their pillar of support- through the winds or the storms; through the sun or the rain. I just can't afford to lose myself in it, but when I'm personally undecided about the issue, I don't see how easily I'm suppose to do such a thing.

But heck- I'm almost 20, and I still don't know how to make tea, change a tire or start a fire. The only things I can probably 'make' are instant noodles and sausages. Government and politics are equivalent to latin to me(and let me tell you something: I dont know, nor understand a word of latin).I don't know how to blowdry my hair or put on mascara. I also still don't know CPR, or how to swim. And my 'skills' of networking are close to non-existent. 

So am I ready to be 20, as the original question was?

Not even CLOSE.

Like a Small Flicker Of Light That Can Burst and Light Up the Whole Town

It’s an overwhelming feeling when you know you’re being trusted so much; when you feel like that person’s heart is in your hand. The way a heart can be enveloped because of all the care.. It’s an especially overwhelming feeling when you don’t know what to do about such a thing. Sometimes you just want to take a leap- hoping that you won’t fall into a bottomless pit, and that there will be someone to catch you (if not, at least some form of concrete ground). Is it worth it? The thought seems so futuristic, but should it really matter, because end the end it’s only supposed to involve you and me, right? But it does matter somehow- it does. Live for the present; be what you are- true phrases to follow by. After all, ‘how do you know there’s going to be a tomorrow,’ you ask. How do you know, indeed..

I've made it clear that I refuse to compromise, or give up what I believe in. A bridge of which I've come to a standstill at, but I'm not going to chose between two things that are important to me. In the long run, it might be harmful, but for now, I just want a bit of freedom and I believe I've established that quite clearly. If you don't wish to believe me, I shalln't say anything in return, but it seems that we've come to an understanding so far, especially since you value my honesty. 

What you ask for though is a chance. A mere chance. A leap of faith. Is there a way that I might be able to give that after all- just a small one so that I can test the waters and not drown?

No matter what I just don’t want a repeat of what happened before. If it happens again, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to save myself. Still, I don’t ask for much in return at all. I’ll give you a chance- and perhaps a bit more. All I want in return is happiness. That's it- just happiness and honesty. Are you capable of giving me that? 

║ Those Rusted Chains of Reality║

Can you blame me if my mind is filled with irritation and rage? How would you feel, indeed, if your parents had a completely different image of you? If you were trying to portray an image of one who you were not, and they conceived a different image, then it’s a different story altogether. However, if you’re just being your real self with no hidden intentions; while being completely pure, you’re being accused of atrocious things- well, it’s not really such a justified thing then is it?

In my opinion, that’s basically what happened to me. To be honest, I’m the type who loves things told to me bluntly. Sure, I might be a bit taken back by one’s words because that’s quite natural, especially when it comes to an insult, but honest words are just that way and I can’t change them. However, when they’re utter nonsense, what am I to think in return?

It’s ridiculous- especially when I replay any of their words in my mind. What do they want from me, I’m not sure anymore. I try, in almost everyway to try to make them happy; it seems now I’m slipping up from that in some departments. Is it because I’m drifting off a bit away from them and becoming a little independent? Funny, I always thought that it was a good thing.

Just when I thought one thing, and started to admire one, because of such an incident, my respect for that person would slip. How can you even think of me as such a person? I might not be the brightest person on planet earth, but I’m not the stupidest. I might be tempted to get carried away at times, but sometimes I just want to be stuck in a dream; is it necessarily a bad thing? Perhaps so. But my feet still remain on the ground as I know what I want- I know what I’m doing, for the most part. All my decisions might not be right. I might not be perfect. I might not be ideal daughter, but can’t you just cut some slack for me? When it comes to something like that, I’ve tried to push all my thoughts and tried to suppress my voice, but it’s so hard to when your words are filled with nothing but presumptions and rubbish.

Nevertheless, here comes a crossroad where I have to weigh people who are important to me, who are my priority- versus my own judgement and stance in life…

                Wish I didn’t have to pick because either way, I feel like I’m going to be losing something, or worse—someone.

The Day I...

Perhaps it’s a defence mechanism that was created unintentionally because of the plenty scalpels cutting through my heart.  Or it could be that I’m just like the others; no matter what I do, I’m unable to escape the stereotypical characteristics of an Aquarius. I’m not sure how it happened- or even when it happened, but once the realization moment has sunk in, it sunk in really deep.

Louis Althusser had proposed that there are all these ideologies that are implanted into our brains through certain institutions, like the educational system and the religious system, when we’re young and they’re instilled so deep- so deep that they almost become a part of our DNA. No matter what, we can’t deny them, nor escape them. When you actually think about all of this you realize that all those morals, ethics and all that you were so proud of- that made you an ‘individual’- they’re not even your own. They’re just implanted there to control you- to rule you over and to indirectly suppress you and keep you in your own little bubble. Therefore, what’s actually right and what’s actually wrong?

I’ll admit that I’m not used to people leaving me- or at least not because of an accepted reason. I can get stubborn to the extent that I refuse to accept that their role in my life is over, but does that really make much of a difference? It’s not like it’s actually going to make anyone stay. That’s the whole point of life, though, isn’t it? Growing up, changing, moving on. Is it all inevitable though? Is there really no such thing as forever? Sometimes, I do feel like challenging such a word, but would it be worth it in the end—to go to such an extent, I wonder.

It’s happened before quite often- where I’ve let someone in so close. So close that I even started to doubt my own thoughts, my own beliefs. So close that I almost completely gave in and lost myself. The surrounding people were the ones who shook me up, inviting the thought of it all being a trap, a delusion, in my mind. It was a heart-breaking thought to think that someone so genuine could turn out to be completely fake. Someone so caring could turn out to just be a show-off, but knowing the world now, I wasn’t so sure who to believe anymore. Still, the soft corner of my heart- although it hadn’t become completely mush- didn’t harden like clay whenever I heard his voice, or had a small glance at him.

It was perhaps the trigger which led me to setting an involuntary boundary between myself and him. Us. The word always was so ambiguous whenever I thought back on it. Most of the time I refuse to let myself think upon it, but whenever I do, the thoughts are nothing but muddled. Dubbing the label of a romance relationship seems to degrade our relationship while the label of a friendship seems to devalue what we actually have. Albeit I wasn’t the kind to show it, but to me, what we have is something that my lexicon seems to be limited for. I never was, and probably never will be, the kind to analyze so much because I don’t think- I just feel and even if I do, I’m not the best at expressing it. You’ve known me for longer than plenty; you should know that by now.

Still, I apologize for all the hurt. All the pain. All the confusion. All those moments that you would like to erase. I apologize for any second with me that you regret.

Because one thing is for sure, that I don’t regret a single one.

Gotta Bounce and Make Sure the Echoes are Heard Everywhere

Warning: Yes. It is a mindless rant. Majority of you might not understand it or care due to its error and content. Deal with it. Or just skip the post- even better, no?

There are so many people in the world. Worse than you. Worse than me. The thought is supposed to be reassuring, but it hardly is.Firstly, the thought that other people are worse makes me feel bad because I can’t do anything for them and they probably don’t deserve it. Who deserves such bad in their life after all? Second, the other thought that I’m just sitting here doing absolutely nothing makes me feel even worse. If there’s something wrong, something bad, I should be trying to do something about it right? So why am I not? Why am I letting the past discourage me once again? Why are all these excuses popping up in my head? Why am I allowing everything to distract me from what I should be wanting to do and what I really should be doing? So what, if in the past, things haven’t worked out exactly how I’ve wanted them to? Atleast they’ve been not totally hopeless right? At least they’ve been somewhat good because I put some effort- something into it. At least things weren’t, and haven’t been completely utterly and totally useless. It’s because I tried. I fought. I didn’t back down.

Why am I here anyways? Being the way I am now. This isn’t me. What happened to all that willpower? So what if the motivation left. What happened to all that spirit and that fighting power? Was it that weak? Internally, I refuse to believe that because then this wouldn’t be me. What happened to all that stubborn-ness. That hard hearted-ness. It doesn’t just disappear like this. How could I let it all go to waste. It’s been more than four years. You don’t let stuff like that just disappear. All this, sitting around, moping or even complaining. It doesn’t suit me at all, so has it become a part of me already? Is it too late to eradicate it from within myself? I’m not a person like that. I don’t want to become a person like that. so why am I getting spoiled and allowing myself to get like that? Just staring at the walls, the laptop screen and not letting anyone or anything affect me. Being totally indifferent to all. That’s not like me at all. What has happened? Whatever it is, I dont like it at all.

I’ve gotta roll back to the beginning. Roll back to how things were. Whether it be reserved or not, I don’t care about them but I gotta care about it.

A Not-So Small, Yet Small Gap

It's like no matter how much the attempt, you can't get the feeling out from your mind and heart. No matter how much you try to divert your attention away from those thoughts, they keep creeping back onto your mind. Just a weekend was enough for the gist of the feeling to spark- imagine if the separation goes on for weeks and years.. to the extent that it's face would be blurry in my memory- to the extent that I would have lost a friend without even the realization moment hitting me. Was it a friendship in the first place or a relationship of convenience- the question strikes once again. Was it possible for one person to deceive the entire batch into thinking that they were best friends, or even more? Perhaps so, or maybe people just saw the surface of it all. Not what was under those layers, beneath the broken smiles and lifeless eyes.

To Be That Plastic, Barbie Is Probably The Best Role-Model. And She’s Not Even Real or Animate.

I don’t like people who degrade or insult their friends in front of others. Even if I had to correct you or insult you, I wouldn’t do it in front of everyone else because their image of you would be lowered. I believe that friends and family have similar points in plenty of ways. I mean when you’re talking about your family to other people, you wouldn’t expose all of their flaws and their issues, would you? It’s pretty much the same case when it comes to friends, according to me. Why do you have to insult your friends in front of others anyways? To show that you know your friends better than others? To lower the standards of what other people think of your friends? To higher the mental standard of what other people think of you?

So it’s not like I don’t want to be all active and social, but if it means being like them, no thank you. I’m the kind who can’t compromise her morals for anything. Flattering adults endlessly. Being overfriendly to people of the opposite gender. Pretending to be interested and hanging onto every word an acquaintance says so intently. Plastering a smile on your face and making sure that it remains that way the entire day regardless of the actual state of your emotions and heart. I’m sorry, but there’s no way I can do all of that and debase my true self that badly. To me, it just seems absolutely senseless and idiotic for someone to compromise their true self, personality or mindset just because-they want to be friends with everyone, want people to ‘follow’ them and be on their side or want to be a people pleasure.

Which brings me to my next point. I really don’t understand how people can fake their way through everything. Even though they’re miserable and depressed inside, they smile like fools pretending that everything is okay when it’s definitely not. How stupid indeed. Do they think that just because they pretend to be happy that they’re actually going on be happy later on- that things are actually going to be all dandy at the end? If so, many people out there are quite delusional. They’re clearly living in a fairytale world because things do not work that way- not in reality at least. What’s the point of smiling from the outside if you’re gloomy from the inside anyways? It's not like it's going to make you internally feel any better.

Which brings me to my next point. I really don’t understand how people can fake their way through everything. Even though they’re miserable and depressed inside, they smile like fools pretending that everything is okay when it’s definitely not. How stupid indeed. Do they think that just because they pretend to be happy that they’re actually going on be happy later on- that things are actually going to be all dandy at the end? If so, many people out there are quite delusional. They’re clearly living in a fairytale world because things do not work that way- not in reality at least. What’s the point of smiling from the outside if you’re gloomy from the inside anyways? It's not like it's going to make you internally feel any better. I do understand that people are against others pitying them, but then you don’t need to explain everything to them. Simply show you true emotions, who you are and what you are. That itself is good enough. And honestly, it’s not that difficult. After all, the best judge is life is yourself and God- not anybody else.

What Do I Do When The Broken Wind Vane Can No More Show Me The Directions?

This post is technically for the 24th or 25th of June but I didn't have access to a computer at that time, so I just jotted this one a piece of paper. I thought it'd be nice to transfer it over here, to my blog. After all, that’s what my blog is for, right? My thoughts, my emotions, my rants- basically everything that’s mine. I wanted to put a banner up here stating that people who take offence should probably not read my blog, but I’ll probably just do that another time. And yes, I take no credit for the title this time since Naina made it for me, considering that my creative juices are extremely low at the moment.

If you have friends who don’t understand you or the situation, what’s the point of having them? I cancelled the plans I had with one because I needed to go out with family. That person should understand, but instead, in return, I receive a hate SMS while that very person ignores my calls and messages. I tried. I honestly did in every manner that I possibly could. It was then that realization moment struck me. I’m better than that. Why should I bow down so much, to the extent that it’s easy for someone to kick me down again? What I was before, when I arrived at this country, was an amazing person with tons of optimism, hope and light. Now things are different, I realize that. However, I still want to keep a huge piece of my true self intact. I refuse to throw away my prioritizes or give away my true self just to fit in or be cool. Why should I anyways? So then I figured that it’s his loss because I’m absolutely sick of this.

And then, it was her. I thought that maybe she could understand and help me out a bit. Things were going haywire over here, but I was never the one to holler out for help—well, rarely. So I sent a simple text message to her to help me with a task. Instead of a “how are you” or “are you okay” or anything of that sort, as a reply, I merely received a declination. I thought she, from all the people, could realize something was wrong from the vocabulary/words I had used in the message, but perhaps I was expecting too much in the end after all.

There were two more incidents that occurred as well- two incidents I wasn’t expecting to occur. The whole thing made me rethink things a little bit more. Do I even have any genuine friends after all? What is the meaning of genuine? Am I expecting too much from this country? Am I expecting too much from human beings? Is it possible to get what I want anymore? Am I started to become too selfish? Should I even bother anymore? So many questions of which I have yet to find the answer for.

It's easy to be oblivious. The easy way out doesn't work. Open your eyes.

I’m starting to lose hope in myself because of the way my papers have been progressing so far. There’s no point of saying that they’ll eventually get better because they’re not getting any better. Infact, they’re probably just getting worse. I’ve had most of my papers by now and every single one of them has been awful- if not worse. Ironic part is that I was expecting the first four to be the best of the 9 papers I’m taking because in general, those 4 were not too bad. But, no. This year..things just had to change.

So imagine what’s going to be happening to me when it comes to the remaining 3 of my papers- which are already difficult papers as it is. The thought terrifies me- especially since there’s hardly anytime between these exams and hardly any time to study for them.

See, I had time between my first and second paper, so I had time to recover from the horribleness of the paper and move on, but I had physics paper 1 on the 19th which was supposed to be good( and it wasn’t even close to that) so all I could do was hope that on the 20th, my chemistry paper 3 would go better, but NOO. That one had to go and be screwed up as well. Sure, I finished all my experiments, but the calculations were impossible for me to do as I hadn’t the faintest ideas of how to do them. And of course, my graph was SO weird and I was SO paranoid about them that I thought that I did it wrong and left it blank in the end. And guess what? It turned out that the awkward graph was apparently right. And then the anion test—well, I just HAD to mess up in that too, didn’t I? Well, what could I do? Carbonate was SUPPOSED to be present, but good ol’ me got absolutely no effervescence. And don’t say I didn’t try or pay attention because I repeated that very experiment three entire times.

And stupidly, everywhere you were supposed to put ‘ppt’, for cation, I put ‘solution’ as I wasn’t in the right phase of mind—clearly. Needless to say, I really messed up. So when I returned back home from school, I was fuming with anger because this girl who bawled her eyes out got 20-35 extra minutes apparently, just because she tried and claimed that her experiment wasn’t “working” and the teacher had pity of her. Oh. What.Ever. I’m /so/ sorry that I can’t fake cry like those people. I don’t have those type of wondrous skills!

Upon that, I felt extremely irritated because people who finished the paper or who did really well were still complaining about their paper—about three-four petty marks. I mean seriously! It irks me to no end. I just feel like telling them to get over themselves. And these people who were complaining were the kind who always,somehow, end up getting “A”s in the end.

Oh, and the physics paper. I thought it was okay. It wasn’t that great because I found out many things, at the end, which I never knew about. I mean constants have units? Gradient has a unit—wait whaat? So I was a bit confused, but besides that, I thought it was okay. That was, until. I came out of my centre and we started discussing about it. It turned out that almost every single one of my answers varied from my classmates’. What a confidence booster, eh? Sure, George told me that if you have the working right and all that, then you’ll still get the marks, but really? How can that even be possible when most of my answers are totally different from other people. Funny thing is that I haven’t a clue of what I actually did wrong because I checked most of my working. Twice.

Today too, I had my biology paper 1 and it went horrible. Seriously, I’m beginning to sink in this mode where I’m just like ‘what’s the point anymore’ because really- what is? I mean I studied hard, I truly did and I did every single one of the question papers which were available to me, but it seemed like there was still no point. Because guess what? In the end, the paper sucked. It was horrible. And of course, there were these handful of people who I can count off who were simply complaining (before AND after the paper) that they were sure to get bad marks and that they were completely unprepared for such a paper. Yeah. Right. Give me a break already.

I’m not trying to be overdramatic or anything because I’m honestly /not/. But you see, when you actually try really hard, study a lot, do whatever you can in your capacity and then these are the results you get? Well, you automatically start to feel really down. And more than feeling depressed—although the feeling of being down in the dumps IS there, I’m just extremely frustrated at myself.

And now, I have the predicted, worst, papers coming up.

Let’s see. Let’s see. How much worse can I do? Not much right? Considering all that’s been done.

But wait. Let’s not ask that question still. Or come to a conclusion because I think I can prove you wrong with how much worse things could still go considering it’s me you’re talking about.

Blurry Memories; Soon To Be Forgotten

Even though the post yesterday wasn’t all that cherry and all, I just felt so amazing to write once again. It was almost how good I felt when I listen to music continuously. Almost. One thing I’ve realized though is that my writing skills have been abated a lot, and I’m not over-exaggerating at all. If I compare my previous writings and such to how I write how, it’s simply pathetic, but I won’t ponder upon that too much. The reason for me to blog isn’t only to improve my writings, it’s also to splatter out the thoughts on this website- the thoughts that I haven’t a chance to confess or blurt out to anyone. It’s for those thoughts and opinions that I want to share with people and perhaps not share with some other people.

So, I confess. There are these times where I think about you. It’s a very rare time since I know that there’s no point about thinking about you anymore, but sometimes I just can’t help it. It was you that pushed me to talk to him after all. It was you that insisted that we would be the perfect couple after all. I can still remember all those things that you told me. Even though /he/ had broken your heart, you had insisted that I was the one who could understand him and who was like him. I was the one who could complete him and stand by him. Even though there were 7000 miles separating us, you said that if we actually talked to each other, something would click. And also, you had even thought of how our childish would look like. Foolishly, you had even gone so far as to check if our horoscopes matched with each other! And surprisingly? They matched. According to the stars and you, we were perfect for each other. According to reality and logic, we weren’t. Even while I talk to him now, even if it is only a couple of times here and there, I think of all the things you said and scoff. I was right and you were wrong, but guess what? I’m not disappointed because even if I get close to him, just as a friend, it’ll be enough because more than anything, I know that he needs someone genuine in his life. And what actually is sad is the fact that I know that I can’t be that one for him.

On another note, my exams are starting soon. Yeah, I should really look at my timetable once again. Right now Im putting off revision- or studying-(for the most part) because it’s quite difficult and irritating. It’s actually quite ironic in a way because each time I sit down with my books, I realize I am way behind my imaginary schedule and then I put it off even longer because I don’t know where to start from or how to dive into my textbooks and portion. And trust me, if you took Chemistry and Biology, you’d be almost in the same position where I am right now. Of course, it’s not that I don’t feel guilty about not studying and stuff. The guilt is lingering right behind me, just like a shadow and following me everywhere, but it’s the fear that’s consuming me up as a whole. Apart from that, I’ve noticed that when I’m studying, I go into this staring phase where I just keep looking at something—yes, even the wall—for a really long time. Strange thing is that I realize that I’m doing it and just don’t stop. It can be anything. From the wall, to a pencil or even a mirror. My train of thoughts start, and then don’t stop, as soon as my eyes are set on a particular object. Which is, honestly, a terrible thing cosidering the time I have till my finals.

Perfection; Being Destroyed Into Dust and Sand.

I was astonished- with eyes widen open, eyebrows being raised up and a confused expression on my face. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing. The person who I thought was oh-so-decent and actually a genuinely nice guy was actually acting that way. I understand the fact that the two are friends and everything, but it was clear on her face that she was uncomfortable with you touching her in any manner, so why did you keep trying? It wasn’t all that discreet, honest because I was able to tell and I wasn’t even trying to pay any attention to you. She had even thanked me, in a whisper, from saving her from you. I mean you know that she has a boyfriend and they’re completely and totally loyal to each other. I mean honestly, I don’t even think that you like her more than a friend, especially under the circumstances you’re under. But seriously? I mean how can you actually promise me one thing and then go the other girl and promise her the exact same thing? Obviously, that’d make me a bit worried, right? Because you making that promise to me is way more important, but you didn’t think so since you just shrugged it off.

But there was a huge burden that just got lifted off my shoulders today. It’s as if, when the room was engulfed in darkness, a spark of light was lit and it spread throughout the entire room. Realization dawned upon me, it seemed. All of that, whatever it was. The affection, the wanting, the craving, the thinking and the pondering. It was all just because I honestly cared about you to heart because I thought you were way worth my time. Because you could have actually lasted longer with me than some of my acquaintances or other friends, but it’s the same. You’re just same as the rest of them- a wolf hidden in sheep’s clothes. Except, with 2 layers of sheep skin so that nobody can really tell the difference unless they truly know all the sides of you. Perhaps I’m being overdramatic and over-exaggerating, but it was all just so different. Don’t get me wrong because I can take it very well if you joke around, fool around, play about, prance around and act stupid, but are you sure that’s all you were trying to do?

It’d actually be quite hilarious if you read this post and identified it as yourself. Infact, I think you’d be quite hurt for me thinking about you like this, but I just can’t help it. Perhaps it’s because of the mood I’m in or because of my failure of observation skills or perhaps I just misinterpreted the whole thing honestly.

Refusing To Get Caught In the Spider's Web

“I’m hoping for the best for you because you’re my friend.”
I know.

“Stop going on facebook or whatever’s distracting you.”
I understand.

“Start a little at a time and work yourself up the ladder.”
I get it.

It really does make sense and I know it, but it feels like whatever I say now seems like nothing but an excuse, but what do I do? That really is the case. I’m lazy. I hardly feel like trying anymore because when I try, nothing good comes out of it. When the moment is good and when I start having hope, things get scattered. The small bits and pieces of my memory get lost and then I’m back in square one, where I started.

So apparently now, whenever I rant or whenever I ramble—and whenever it concerns myself, it’s called whining. And apparently, whenever I think about things that don’t concern sunshine and rainbows, I’m wallowing. Uh huh. Are you serious? If you don’t want to hear me speak or ramble or rant, who’s asking you to? You can just tell me in the beginning, or cut me off and tell me the truth.

I want to write never-endingly. I want to just spill out everything and anything. The problem, now, is not that I don’t have the words to do such a thing. The thing is that I don’t know where to start. I might not even have the time to do such a thing. I just don’t know. And sometimes, I’ll admit, I don’t have the words because sometimes it’s just all so hard to express in the vocabulary that I know.

Realization dawned on me today as I was sitting in the front seat of the car. Unintentionally or intentionally, I don’t know, I’ve been avoiding that place because it’s the place where those old memories easily come seeping back into my mind. I’ve been making sure to go everywhere except that place it seems just so that I don’t have to remember him again. I’ve been avoiding listening to those slow, melodious hindi songs because they reminded me of him. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not hung up on the guy. I don’t even have a crush on him if that’s what you think because these infatuations are silly, useless little things. However, those memories are something that just tend to irritate me sometimes because in a way or two, he managed to diffuse through my not-so-permeable walls for a few months before things got a bit too concentrated and I had to throw him out. Not that he was complaining really. I know that makes me sound all bitter and such, but I didn't exactly throw him out. It's more like circumstances were such that he just had to make a temporarily exit from my life. But did I know that it was going to be temporarily? No. I almost made the same mistake when the year of 2009 started with another person, but then I caught myself after a while because I refused to do something wrong again.

Which reminds me. God. When I got that message from her, after almost a year now, I was so stumped. I refreshed the page because I didn’t believe it. Honestly. I was completely flabbergasted since I was expecting to be forgotten forever, but no. I guess not. So I did what I usually would have done and I replied back. I wonder how much she’s planning to mess around with me now. And I still miss her. What an idiot I am.

So, don’t mind it. This post was just bits and pieces from my “wonderful” mind and it doesn’t flow at all. But oh well. I did want to write more too, but then in the process of writing this much, the rest of what I wanted to write flew out of my brain, sadly.

With Eyes Sparkling, Cheeks Glowing and Blood Pressure Rising . . .

Just a little something that I wrote yesterday. It's not exactly a poem, but it's not exactly a rant. And no. It is not an April Fool's joke. Just incase you think so, from the words below. Simply something that I was 'inspired' to write, one could say.

Your eyes show me your emotions so clearly
Your voice fails to betray the emotions of your heart

I wanted to hug you. I wanted to hold you hand.
I wanted to tell you that things will be okay.
.. that I'm there for you.

i wanted to see you smile..
Is it that bad? Is it that weird..

that I really wanted to tell you that I'm there with you no matter what?
You say there might not be another one for you out there
and that your expectations are too high..
I wish you could have trusted my judgement about her
You wouldn't have had to suffer so much..
that when I see you in pain that it hurts me.
There was a prick inside of me after you admitted the truth to me..
I felt really happy about your confession but my heart went out to you..
I hope it returned.
I really do.
I really can't afford this.
I can't afford to get screwed.

Snap the Elastic Limit, Crack those Straightforward Emotions and Shatter the Ideal Image

You know what? It wasn’t even worth it. It was just wastage of my emotions and time. I know it was meant to just keep me preoccupied so that my mind wouldn’t float to unnecessary things that would be sure to bring me down. However, they simply succeeded in raising my blood pressure, frustration and irritation. Today was just like a “FML” day. Seriously. From the moment I touched the school grounds (no exaggeration here, folks) till the moment that I heard the bell for the sixth period to begin. Nothing was going right; nothing at all. So now what? I was trying; trying to hard to not let things get to me, but it was just so difficult.

Excuse me, but just because you’re jobless and stupid doesn’t give you the right to blabber whatever you want. Just because I have manners and am taught to be nice to everyone doesn’t mean I am to put up with whatever you throw at me. Nuh uh. I learned my lesson, thank you very much. No matter the physical or verbal abuses, you won’t learn your lesson. I forgot; you don’t know the meaning of manners and sense in the first place and, you know what? I refuse to teach you such a thing. Heck, the energy that I wasted on you could have been used for something more productive instead and I almost regret even bothering with you. Sometimes, it is quite the disadvantage-concentrating on the good points of a person, that is. Why? Because in the end, they turned out to be nothing but obnoxious jerks; both of them.

I am busy; things are going absolutely haywire over here, but that’s no excuse for me to stoop down to their level and I absolutely refuse to do such a thing. Especially since I know for a fact that I’m better than them. Just because their ideal person might be skinny like a stick, intelligent like Einstein or tall as a tower-it doesn’t mean I have to be upto that standards because my own standards are way beyond them and I cross them fine. Thank you very much.

So, you know what? Forget you. I don’t really care anymore. I have my own little square and I’m satisfied with it. I’m sick of giving chances to people like you because I know what will happen in the end. You just want a reaction, don’t you? I’ll give you one. Just watch, you lot of imbeciles.I'll do just the opposite. You want a reaction. I'll give you an action. You want me to care? Well, newsflash! I don't and never will.

Attitude determines altitude, so screw you :]

‘ey! Hey, Hey Shawty! It's Your Birthday!

Yes, you heard it right. No, not that I'm /short/ or anything. But rather that it’s my birthday! Sure, it’s almost over (it being 11:35pm and all), but that won’t change the fact that I’m officially seventeen now. Yep, the one and the seven being smashed together to make a two-digit number. Of course it doesn’t feel any different, but it usually doesn’t feel any different. However, I know that I’m to supposedly be more responsible and mature now. After all, the more of those 365 days you live, the more things are placed on your shoulder, but it’s okay because life goes on. It’s another sign that you’re growing up and that things are changing.

I know things are changing. I look back at the events that took place 365 days ago and can’t help but smile. It was so different back then. All girls together. Most of them knowing about the day. Loud singing. Distribution of chocolate. Organization. Surprises. Unexpected calls. However, this year was different: disorganized, yet quite fun. Hardly any few, but it was okay. I’d rather have those genuine few than the whole horde of fake ones. I don’t need them. Expectations not being met up. Things that weren’t being expected happened. Food- junk food. Lots of it was included today. It was eventful- at school at least.
So I was supposed to paste up those two paragraphs you see above on my birthday itself, but I didn’t exactly get a chance to. Now, I start this third pargraph on the actual date it posts here- January 29th(At least that’s what it is where I live). As you would have guessed, January has been an extremely eventful month for me. To be honest, this year itself has been flying way too fast. Many people keep emphasizing on the fact that they can’t wait until July and until they graduate from their school and get to university. For some reason, I can’t agree with most of the crowd when it comes to something like this. Perhaps it’s because of the indecisiveness of majors or universities. Or maybe it’s just because I want to cling onto these memories and times and not let them go so quickly, but it’s not like I really have a choice now do I? Time waits for nobody; not you or me.

So my new year’s “resolution” of posting a blog entry every week didn’t work out, but it’s alright. It just seems like I haven’t had any time to gather all of my thoughts as a whole anyways. Honestly. My thoughts and mind feels like it’s scattered here, there and everywhere I can think of. A brief of what’s going on there just at this very moment- at almost 2 in the morning. Universities. Marketing. AIDA. Majors. Phone call. Random tune. Writing. School. Chemistry. Product. Stage. Members. Useless people. Unpunctual people. Middlesex university. India. Work. Tuitions. Catching up. Throwball. Starting to study. Religion. Sleep. Energy drink.
Yeah, but of course- those are only the things at the top of my head. If I want to think even deeper into what’s actually lurking inside my mind- I’ll go mad or get a headache; I want to stay away from such a thing at the moment.

So, I am going to face them. I’m going to face it. I can do it. Why in the world not? First part, it’s on a stage. Plus, it’s been ages since I tried and the fear is just within my mind anyways. Just count to ten in my mind and breathe; I’m sure I can do it. As for the second part, I can tolerate them because they’re humans too. Just because I have more preference over one kind than the rest does not mean that I hate the other kind. Because I don’t. That’s just lame and it puts me in the same category as these other stupid people- of where I refuse to be. Third part is probably the hardest [as it has to do with my /life/] and I’ve been procrastinating on this for exactly a month and one day now. I just don’t know how to put it into words when I pick up the phone and hear /his/ voice. What am I supposed to say? What if he starts accusing me? What if my tiny hopes get shattered too? As it is, I’m keeping them as low as I can because of what I was told yesterday. Keep your opinions, eh? I’m not blind, nor stupid. Just because one person doesn’t confront me doesn’t mean the other person won’t. This isn’t school, hon. This is reality. Forget the hopes too; it’s okay. It’ll happen. It will work. I will talk. I will see. I will make the decision. I will figure it out. I will sort things out. And right now, that's more important than anything. Almost anything, that is.

Because I’m me.

If I can’t do it for me. Who will?

Peace Is All That I Wanted But I All I Got Were Howling Voices And Loud Rapping At the Door

Things are easier said than done, aren’t they? But sometimes those words are strong enough to make you believe the impossible and believe even those mere lies that drip out of one’s mouth. However, those words sometimes just aren’t genuine and can put you down. Some people think that reverse psychology can bring you everything. That if I put you down, you’ll rise up. Newsflash! It doesn’t work that way- not always at least.

Sure, in the next 10 years, I might not be in touch with the same friends and I might not have the same people with me, but I know that there are these handful of people which I wouldn’t want to let go so easily. Not for the reason that I’m attached to them or anything because it’s rather hard for me to do something like that. It’s rather, because I know that with our percentage of compatibility, it’d be hard for me to find someone like that around anywhere. And the trust I have in those handful [3-4] of people- perhaps I wouldn’t share the same relationship with anyone else for a long time. However, if one of those three people thinks that there’s no point of a friendship and they’re only going to be there temporarily, why should I even bother? Isn’t that like them telling me that they’re only indirectly using me? Why do such a pathetic thing? Why even bother thinking so far in the future? If you and me were meant to carry on our bond and if we try at it- why think that it’s going to end so early? Heck, why think about it ending at all? Thinking about the future is perfectly fine, but to such an extent? Why must we all be so obsessed with it- trying to analyze and find out about every speck of it?

So, I wanted to become a psychologist. Or become a psychiatrist. How this dawned upon me? Besides the fact that I’m extremely fascinated with the human kind, it was probably because of all the mess and confusion and questions that people and my mind has been bringing me. Now see, I can listen to someone, I can advice them and I can be patient with them. Whether it’s a small problem or whether it’s a large one, I can probably help a person out. And even if I can’t, I’ll make myself to help them out. I don’t exactly follow the same style as others- as in just preaching pointlessly or preaching in such an idealistic way of which the real world would scoff at, but I know the difference between the right and wrong of the universe and my own right and wrong. A psychiatrist? Well, I realize that many people have problems in such where it just can’t be cured instantly or with words. What they need is more than just consultancy, they need to be medicated. However, many people call these psychiatrist the lunatic doctors, which is- partially true. Yet, it seems like my decision isn’t exactly supported. I mean how did it go from intensive medicine to doctor to this after all. It isn’t supported- not by my parents because they’re fine with it- for the most part. It’s something else. So, I realize that, but now what? I can’t just run after it. There’s a barrier blocking me. A huge one. And the longer I wait, the more the barrier is growing.

Ah, life used to be much easier once one just goes along with it and decides to flow along with the rest of the fishes in the world. But then, once I started trying to figure things out and piecing things together—once I started trying to connect each piece together to make one giant puzzle, things started becoming insane. Ah, the happiness of being oblivious. The bliss of not knowing. The bliss of not caring and just being so free. The happiness of just going with it. The happiness of not bothering with things or concerning yourself with others. But now, it’s all gone. Things have changed. It’s not fun anymore. If only my mind was in the right place- if only it wasn’t all over the place. They’re all so selfish, so utterly selfish and stupid. I should have guessed before shouldn’t I have? I tried to stay on the bright side though- having some hope in this thing people call humanity, but where it is nowadays? Only within those handful of people that contribute to the population. I’ve seen them though and somehow, I can’t help but keep this hope within me.

I can’t help but wonder a few things. Was it really a miracle? How can they- or even you say it was when you worked so hard towards it? Don’t say you didn’t. I saw your sagging face everyday. I heard your gloomy voice on the phone. I knew you were sleep deprived for months. I could see the bags below your eyes, the weak smile that could hardly be conjured by you and that took so much energy to bring about. I wonder if he has really changed for the good or it’s just a cover up. I wonder if he really learned his lesson from being away and being mentally tortured for those 58 days. I wonder how long it’s going to take for the truth to be shown. For the curtains to finally come up and for everything to be revealed.

Breaking Through The Wall; Only Succeeding In More Confusion

So here I am once again writing this entry. It’s probably the nth time I’m trying to write this entry and, hopefully, I won’t erase it. Why I’ve been erasing each entry I’ve been writing? I have no idea. Why I’ve been just staring at the wall hoping answers would come to me? No idea. Why, everytime I start studying, I fall asleep on the book? I have no idea. Why does my body seem to be so tired nowadays? I honestly have no idea.

And you know what? That’s just irritating because I like having answers to things and knowing things. Not ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I have no idea.’ So I’m going to write this now before I go insane or mad or break down or just, something. And if it’s incomprehensible, I wouldn’t be surprised. The thoughts in my head tend to be incomprehensible to me nowadays anyways.

People who say they dislike something and yet they’re the ones who do it in the first place are highly irritating. For example, if there was a group of people on stage- say my friends- who have danced pretty good, It would be my natural tendency to compliment them and criticize them- constructively. Now see, if there’s this other random person talking to her friend criticizing my friends (behind their back)—not cool. So what if I go to them, join them and agree with them? Not fully, of course, because they don’t know what they’re talking about. That’s perfectly fine—not really. But hold on- listen to this. Listen to this. What if. What if, before I’m about to say their good points too- the girl cuts me off and says that I had no right to say anything bad because I wasn’t up there. Now, talk about hypocrisy! Weren’t you the one talking bad about them in the first place? And also, she didn’t let me complete. I was going to tell you their good points because their good points outshone their bad points. Because, in fact, they were excellent at what they did whether it was debating or dancing or singing. So at least give me a chance to complete my sentence and thoughts before you interrupt and come to a really pathetic conclusion.

Those people- I’ve realized what they do. Caking on their makeup, involving themselves elsewhere; it’s all so fake. They slip into oblivion as a way to escape and not to remember or face the situation because the situation isn’t any better really. How could somebody face reality like that? Knowing that someone so close is using you so well? Knowing that they aren’t with you for who you are, but rather for something else? Thinking that money can buy you up and satisfy you completely? (Although it definitely would for me, this isn’t about me). A façade is formed from there and that’s where it all starts because once it’s formed, it becomes a habit and then it’s natural. It becomes a part of them and they just can’t help it. If they start acting like themselves, they start to feel naked; like people can really see through them. And eventually, they lose themselves. Who were they before? Who are they really now? And soon, they surround themselves with people like them because it makes them feel secure; it makes themselves feel better.

Honestly, I have no idea what we are anymore. Whenever he’s upset- or whenever his emotions are directed towards me, he refuses to voice it out. I’m just the opposite. I don’t like that sort of secrecy. If it’s me who’s involved, it’s better if you voice it out. But things changed now. So much for being friends, eh? I really don’t know. I really don’t. In my mind, I know that I’m over him and that things are never going to be the way they were before, but it’s okay because the times I had with him are pretty irreplaceable. The time that I share with each person that I have in my life is irreplaceable. Sure we’ve both moved on in our own ways, but part of my heart still lingers there, only slightly attached to him. Slightly. There’s a reason to that too. The thing was that he replaced someone else I really wanted to be close to previously but lost the chance too. So perhaps I thought that if I got close to this one, I could make up for it. But I probably lost this chance too. He probably hates me. But it’s okay. We weren’t meant to be and I just can’t fight against that anymore.

Sick of being here, there and everywhere. No more philosophy. For now.

Wow. It seriously has been a while, hasn’t it? Honestly, I’ve been wanting to blog since such a long time, but there was a huge of problem which I couldn’t overcome—I had no internet and, obviously, without internet there’s no way I can blog. Since last blog entry, lots has happened, it’s unbelievable. My life seems to be more eventful than a movie I tell you. And I’m not over exaggerating- although I do wish I was.

My father went to India a week or so back and the very day he reached India, I caught a fever. It wasn’t a minor one either as I had a temperature of 103. I came back from school dizzy, shivering and with a fever. Let’s just say it was not a good combination at all. I didn’t do anything that day except sleep of course. Or at least I tried to sleep, but I was feeling really uneasy. Perhaps it was because of the fever or because of something else I just couldn’t place. Then we got a call in the middle of the night when all of us were trying to sleep- a call from my uncle. Yes, it was quite the surprise because my uncle usually doesn’t interact with my mother and he was calling her on her cellphone. More than anything, what was unexpected was the news that was conveyed through the phone call.

Yes, it seems like my grandmother- my father’s mother- had passed away a few minutes after midnight [India time, of course]. She was going through a lot of pain and she was really weak. Not to mention she was quite the aged woman, but my logic didn’t work against my tears. What could I do? A mix of the news and my fever was not exactly the best combination there was. Nevertheless, I stayed strong because I was really worried about my father more than anything because it was his mother and also because he was alone in India. My mother texted my older brother in the states telling him the news about my grandmother and the news shocked him a lot as well.

Then again, my Chemistry test was absolutely because of my emotional and mental state at that moment .I found out that I, apparently, can’t concentrate very well with such a fever. And the results of my test really did bring me down. It’s like I re-found a whole bunch of new guilt that was stored in the corner of the cupboard. But that’s over. It was a few weeks back and now things are settling down although it feels weird to stay that I have only one grandmother left and nobody else. Things are stable now and we’re all fine and recovered. We’re strong. We know that it’s better that she was put out of her misery instead of staying on this Earth and suffering so much. Not to mention that she did live her life and tried to enjoy it. And my dad- who loved her so much- was there for her till the very end and I believe that was really appropriate.

So my fever was running for an entire week- 10 days to be exact and it was not pretty. I’d had headaches, stuffy noses, dizziness- the package. I, of course, refused to go to the hospital since I was sure that my fever would diminish and it did eventually. Actually, towards the end the fever started to turn into a cough. A really horrible cough. And to be honest- that cough is still somewhat there, but I’m perfectly fine now. For the most part at least. My little brother on the other hand? Not so much. Yesterday he got really sick. And I mean really sick and he’s getting better, but not by much. His fever is like the people’s moods here. It’s FLYING up and down constantly. We can’t tell whether he’s getting worse or better and the reason for the weird changes in his body. I only pray and hope that he gets better quickly.

To be honest, my original plan was to write more and to write a longer entry. Not because I owe anyone anything because I don’t. It was because I really wanted to, but something happened. As usual, my train of thoughts got interrupted and my flow of writing just stopped. The emotion and state of mind I was in changed and I couldn’t continue with the very same topic. Granted, I could have just moved on to a separate topic, but if I need to do that I’ll probably just write another blog entry. Just to make it more organized. Or something to that extent at least.

Reasons. Changes. Decisions.

I’m a Hindu. Yes. There are many different sub-categories when it comes to Hinduism. I am one who is into Krishnaism. It’s a wonderful thing really, but this entry wasn’t to describe about that, you see.

I used to fast. But not anymore.

I fasted continuously for five to six years during Ramadan due to my personal reasons, but I stopped this year. I won’t be sharing those reasons, so it doesn’t matter. Things changed. Reality sunk in. I had my reasons previously, but now I don’t have them anymore, so why should I? There’s no reason to do it anymore. It’s over. I admit it, that I did fast for two entire weeks this year but I stopped after that.

Besides my personal reasons, it stopped making sense to me that I stayed hungry for 11-or-so hours without changing my lifestyle at all. In those two weeks I fasted, I realized that I was simply becoming more lethargic and things were going down-hill. It all seemed to be pointless. Things were all still the same. After a month of refraining yourself from everything that’s bad, you just jump back into it all, so what’s the point? I’ll tell you—there’s no point at all it seems to me. It’s as if you’re trying to oblige everyone else by doing something like this. And don’t- don’t tell me it’s not true.

I know him. He’s like me. No. He’s like me vaguely. But barely. I refuse to let us be similar. No way. He fasts every Ramadan and he’s not a Muslim either. I don’t know his reasons; I’ve never asked him for them because I never bothered. However, I do know one thing. After this one month, everything’s going to go back to normal. His temper, his drinking and his smoking. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has been smoking while keeping his fast even. Then tell me, what’s the point of starving yourself completely if you’re not doing anything to improve yourself? Why, darn it? Why? I wish I knew the answer. I honestly wish I did.

But the point is that I chose not to fast. Someday, I hope that fasting will make sense to me again and that I will have the willpower to go forth will my reasons and drive all those obstacles away. When this happens, I’ll gladly re-begin the practice. But no, not this time. Not for now. Maybe next year; maybe the year after that. You’ll never know.

You have absolutely no right to put me down because of that. Glaring at me from the corner of your eyes. Throwing accusations at me when you don’t even know half the story. It’s not your place to do such a thing. The bond, the reason. It’s between me, myself and my God. You have no right to interfere in between and think that I will cave into your social standards and expectations and care about the fact that maybe- just maybe- I disappointed you or that I’m a hypocrite. Because, by God, I can tell you that I’m surely not. I was only using the realized that dawned upon me after all these years to guide me in the direction that I’m going.

Just A Word Of Assurance Or Two Is All I Need- Is That Too Much To Ask For?

Sometimes, I wish I hadn’t made such a decision of coming here. I did not have a complete decision in it, of course, but I could have at least tried to prevent it. This all- it’s eating me up inside. Decisions, lies and betrayal. How much more can it go on- I keep thinking and wondering about that and yet, I never get a reply back.

However, I got a reply back today. Just one small one and it made my heart sink because if I hadn’t supported that decision maybe things would have been better- just maybe. I wanted to let go- just end it all because it seemed to be so simple but I felt so guilty and bad saying that. I felt hurt thinking something like that and almost empty because it’s a part of my life and I can’t just leave it like that. It’s impossible so I shall hang on to my hope. I shall keep trusting in God and just having faith that things will be okay in the end. And I’m sure it will. It’s just a matter of trust and patience.

A combination of being frustrated confused, irritated- it’s no fun, I can guarantee you that. Granted, I’m a strong person so I know I’ll survive through it all. I will do my best and I will try to and I know that I can do it. What about him though? He’s alone and it’s so hard to reach at the place where he is. Trying to pick up the broken pieces, trying to glue it back together.. And only having the same thing happen the next day. Tell me, how much longer can this go on? But I know that no matter how many times I keep asking and repeating it, I won’t get an answer. Not yet.

Instead of saying that you’re fine and instead of just being so unclear and making me feel so distant from you, why didn’t you tell me the truth? I found out the answer, I really did. You trusted me- you really did love me. And you still do. You were trying to protect me- us. You’re not superman and I’m not naïve. I know this world and I know how things are. I wish- oh, I wish things could be how they were supposed to because you don’t deserve something like this. You really don’t.

I’m an open person- a person who lets free. A person who’s a small enigma, but if she wants to give in, she will. A candid person who can be hated and liked and who wants to just help others. That isn’t a sin, right? Maybe there’s just no place- no place in this corrupted world. But no. I cannot be like that other person. The one next to you being so diplomatic or two-faced, I cannot.

I’m not foolish, I can promise you that. I’m trying, I really am and I’m just hoping and wishing things would work out.. If I get stuck in the past and keep regretting things, nothing will happen. All I can keep doing is thinking about you and praying. If I do that, I’m sure everything will be okay. And things will be okay because God is with us. And he's guiding the way for us. He'll do what's best for us- he definetely will.