Looking Beyond the Surface to Find Something More

It’s so ironic I’m writing this right now, after now horrible I was feeling a few hours ago. But all that had vanished as I started listening to music. At first, it was the same music- just listening to the kind which helped me escape from my thoughts. Those hyper, incomprehensible songs which just lifted my spirits up almost immediately. Then I started listening to the other kind, moments later, the ones which actually made me think. The gears in my head started moving so quickly, the thoughts kept coming and coming. The beat of the rhythm and the voices—how powerful and /meaningful/ they were—some of them even succeeded in bringing goose bumps to my arms.

Music is rather amazing isn’t it? According to any mood you’re in, it can match with it. (In this case, I’m referring to English music as most people reading this/if any would probably know English songs) You want to be happy, want to start dancing- start listening to songs like Stereo Love or Who’s that Chick. If you want stay in that calming mood, listen to Azure Ray. If you want to listen to something perky of the such, there’s Owl City. If you’re frustrated and want to get it all out, listen to heavy metal or a rock song. If you want something that isn’t too hard and yet is on the rock side, There’s Nickelback. If you want to listen to something inspirational, there’s Pink or What are Words by Chris Medina. If you want to listen to something meaningful, yet rap there’s Eminem and Immortal Technique. No matter where you’re from, no matter what species, race, gender you are, music is the answer to it all.

Which brings me to my next topic. One thing that seems to be rather difficult to achieve in this world now is happiness. As we grow older, it gets harder and harder to achieve—or is it just you? The desires keep rising- wanting a house, wanting a car, wanting a family, wanting money. But before he get started I wanted to make it clear-- wanting to become happier is /not/ a selfish pursuit. Happier individuals are more likely to go out of their way to aid and support others. Second, don’t think that happiness will just /come/ to you. You can create the situation or opportunity. And even with just your thinking, you can be happy. Wanting to be happy isn’t something superficial or shallow- believe it or not—but people would rather opt to go out and take up swimming classes instead. If you think about it, human beings basically only of manipulating the external world; they never stop to examine themselves. Sure, in this ‘fast-paced’ world, who has the time? But if you have the time for yoga, movies, reading and your dancing classes, how can it be so different to put some time aside for yourself?

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

Happiness can mean many things to a person. It can be just a goal in life that they have to accomplish. It can be something that they’ve been yearning for. It can also mean, simply having peace of mind. However, it also depends on whether you’re talking about being happy- as in a state of mind- or having happiness- something that’s more ‘eternal’.

People have claimed that being in their house, copped up for too long tends to make them depressed, passive or bored. They can do other things in that time, to make themselves happy- like listening to music or cleaning the house(if that makes them happy) but generally for people, group activties and socializing tends to bring this happiness. But even if don’t have group activities or aren’t too good at socializing, don’t think that you can’t be happy. People often assume external conditions will change for the better or let chance determine their response. Why not, instead, /you/ change the conditions instead? But of course, for that you have to know what you want.. Bringing us to the next subject…

Here comes the other question-so what about permanent happiness? Is there such a thing in the first place? I had the doubt a couple of times myself, especially after seeing how distressed majority of human beings are because of problems all around the world. I got my answer, moments later. Permanent happiness can be achieved only after attaining Self-realization. I do realize plenty of this all might seem to be so cliché to majority of you guys, but the truth is right there, and yet people chose to ignore and be oblivious to it all. Self-realization can help us understand who we are, which consequently makes us understand what we really want.

Majority of you must be scoffing by now. “Who we are? Of course I know that. I’m (insert name)” But wrong you are. This name is only a title given to identify your body, just as store names such as Care-four and Kroger are given simply to specify the store's presence. Who /you/ really are is what you are beyond those words, beyond all those labels given by you and others. Permanent happiness tends to come from within oneself while temporary comes from other sources- like people and objects.

Now see, I’m not going to bring God into this because not everyone believes in him. There are various thoughts about that concept in the first place and it’s a rather touchy topic, so I’m not even going to go there. However, eternal happiness doesn’t always mean Heaven/religion/God—for that matter. It could just mean being in the state of divine happiness. It depends completely on the belief, thinking process, and understanding of an individual. Divine happiness can be experienced by truly desiring it. It comes from within, when we understand its true meaning and worth. Negative emotions like greed, anger and such suppress this happiness since we’re so caught up in those negative emotions which seem to over take our lives. However, abandoning those negative feelings, seeks and recognizing the goodness in all that’s around you- as hard as that may be. Permanent happiness, enables us to face the ‘wrath’ of the world, every sorrow and misfortune that it attacks us with. It doesn’t mean that you’re oblivious about all that’s surrounding you- that you’re so involved in yourself that you don’t care about anyone else. It only means that you’re strong, in every aspect, so you’re able to tackle those things easier than usual.

All of this simply might seem too good to be true, and you might be saying that all of this is preposterous, but I really have met some amazing people who’ve reached this level of happiness and are blissful to the core. Where, literally, nobody can stop them at any point. No matter where they want to be and what they want to do. And I, of course, want to be in the list someday as well. And I definitely will be!

Now at this point, I’d love to write more about this and I could go on, forever and ever about something like this, but I’ll continue another time surely. Till then, don’t give up on your goal to attaining happiness!

To Be That Plastic, Barbie Is Probably The Best Role-Model. And She’s Not Even Real or Animate.

I don’t like people who degrade or insult their friends in front of others. Even if I had to correct you or insult you, I wouldn’t do it in front of everyone else because their image of you would be lowered. I believe that friends and family have similar points in plenty of ways. I mean when you’re talking about your family to other people, you wouldn’t expose all of their flaws and their issues, would you? It’s pretty much the same case when it comes to friends, according to me. Why do you have to insult your friends in front of others anyways? To show that you know your friends better than others? To lower the standards of what other people think of your friends? To higher the mental standard of what other people think of you?

So it’s not like I don’t want to be all active and social, but if it means being like them, no thank you. I’m the kind who can’t compromise her morals for anything. Flattering adults endlessly. Being overfriendly to people of the opposite gender. Pretending to be interested and hanging onto every word an acquaintance says so intently. Plastering a smile on your face and making sure that it remains that way the entire day regardless of the actual state of your emotions and heart. I’m sorry, but there’s no way I can do all of that and debase my true self that badly. To me, it just seems absolutely senseless and idiotic for someone to compromise their true self, personality or mindset just because-they want to be friends with everyone, want people to ‘follow’ them and be on their side or want to be a people pleasure.

Which brings me to my next point. I really don’t understand how people can fake their way through everything. Even though they’re miserable and depressed inside, they smile like fools pretending that everything is okay when it’s definitely not. How stupid indeed. Do they think that just because they pretend to be happy that they’re actually going on be happy later on- that things are actually going to be all dandy at the end? If so, many people out there are quite delusional. They’re clearly living in a fairytale world because things do not work that way- not in reality at least. What’s the point of smiling from the outside if you’re gloomy from the inside anyways? It's not like it's going to make you internally feel any better.

Which brings me to my next point. I really don’t understand how people can fake their way through everything. Even though they’re miserable and depressed inside, they smile like fools pretending that everything is okay when it’s definitely not. How stupid indeed. Do they think that just because they pretend to be happy that they’re actually going on be happy later on- that things are actually going to be all dandy at the end? If so, many people out there are quite delusional. They’re clearly living in a fairytale world because things do not work that way- not in reality at least. What’s the point of smiling from the outside if you’re gloomy from the inside anyways? It's not like it's going to make you internally feel any better. I do understand that people are against others pitying them, but then you don’t need to explain everything to them. Simply show you true emotions, who you are and what you are. That itself is good enough. And honestly, it’s not that difficult. After all, the best judge is life is yourself and God- not anybody else.

Because it’s not just all about you

So I disliked my last blog post, a lot. It just didn’t seem to personify me at all- like how my blog posts usually tend to. That fact irritated me to such an extent that I was even tempted to delete my last post, but I forced myself not to do such a thing. For now at least.

School hasn’t been the greatest experience in the world, but I’m learning how to deal with it. It’s hard to believe that just in 2.5 months of not seeing some people, they’ve changed so much. And not all that change is exactly good. Some people have become more distant, others more selfish. Some so caught up in their world of ‘popularity’, seeming to prioritize socializing and popularity over their real friends. It’s sad actually. Very sad. Confronting those people or questioning those people would have been quite a good idea, I thought at first, but then should I really be the one to tell them so? Should people, at the age of 18, be so oblivious to the fact that they’re changing in a negative way or drifting away or being absolutely stupid? And also, who am I to point out everything to them- about what happened to them, their change, the different personality that I’m now seeing in them? Sure, I’m supposed to be his/her good/close friend, but to pinpoint so much just seems to be rather selfish and a bit too reprimanding. Hello—try to grow up and not be so oblivious in your own little, fake happy world which you’re trying to make seem so flawless and filled with absolute joy.

I’m not saying that I’m completely the same of how I was 3 months ago because things have happened this summer to change parts of my viewpoints and my mindset. But to say that I’ve undergone a huge change- especially a totally bad one is a wrong statement. People usually deny when they’re accused of something or when their negative points are pointed out but I wouldn’t do such a thing—much. I understand that it’s human nature to do so because who wants to hear their faults and flaws spoken aloud? But still, I personally find it impractical to deny such a thing when that’s what I actually am or when it really is my fault.

So change is inevitable- it’s something that happens whether we like it or not, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t mould it in a way which would be positive for us and our live. Of course we can do that. The only difference is that some people are too thick to notice that things around them are changing and they’re changing—and I’m not talking about a positive change either. And sometimes, it can get quite irritating and yet we’re forced to put up with those people or situations. How sad.

Never Back Down Because The Hurdles Are Higher Than Your Physical Height- They're Never Too High For Your Internal Strength.

Hey guys. So, I’ve been kinda stuck in my head lately. And it’s not always that fun. And it’s getting insane. I’ve pretty much been consumed by the internet, for the past 3 months. I feel like I’m just losing time- have no idea how time’s going by like this. In June, I had preoccupied myself with going out as much as I could. In a way, I was escaping everything that I shouldn’t have escaped, but it was alright because it was satisfactory. And I don’t regret it. In July, I toned down my outings and tried to be with my family more, but I didn’t spend at much time in my thoughts like I should have. But anyhoo- that’s beside the point. I wanted to blog today considering it’s been a while. So here I am now.

So. I try to avoid sleeping. Perhaps it’s because it’s a habit or maybe it’s because I think that if I sleep, I’ll be wasting my summer vacation. I mean otherwise I could be watching another episode of a series, chatting with a friend, reading a book—doing something. However, sleep is necessary. What I’ve realized though, is that I love sleeping, but going to sleep is something that’s definitely not on my list of ‘happiest things to do’—not that there is a genuine list in the first place.

Raksha Bandhan is tomorrow. For those who don’t know what is it, it’s a hindu festival which basically celebrates the relationship between brothers and sisters. The festival is marked by a sister tying a holy thread called a rakhi, to the brother’s wrist. The brother, in return, offers his sister money or a gift and says that he’ll protect her and all (whatever he wants to really). And the sister gives the brother sweets—mainly methai(which are Indian sweets). And he feeds her some too, traditionally. So the thing is that we celebrate it every year and all, so it’s usually pretty cool, but the thing is that I’m slightly more excited for it this year because it’ll be the first year in plenty that both my brothers will be here with me. Granted, my older brother shall only be there till the afternoon as he has other things to attend to, but his presence—for a few hours even—is satisfactory enough for me.

So I was thinking this a few days ago- like 1-2 days ago actually, considering I went to Diyafah for admission and things didn’t work out there. Considering the grades I got in my AS level examinations (which would have made an extremely depressing blog post) I’m not all too sure whether I’ll get admission into my current school . Now see, I would like admission into my current school because life would be more convenient for me. Granted, my teachers would be all disappointed at me, but that’s a different story. So what if I don’t get admission into my current school. Then what? Obviously, my life shaln’t be over. I could do all my subjects privately (although it would be quite demotivating and enhance my laziness) or I could take up a fulltime job for one year somewhere and earn some money. Both options seem to be more tempting than just rotting at home, don’t they? Of course they do because I’ll actually be somewhat productive if I chose to do any of those. So, yes, my life won’t be over.. But I’d still prefer if I got admission in my other school.

So yeah, that’s it for today basically. I did have plenty to write about considering I hadn’t updated in like quite a while, but because of the time, I think I shall continue on another time. After all, I'm supposed to wake up early tomorrow so that I could have a head start on things.

Perfection; Being Destroyed Into Dust and Sand.

I was astonished- with eyes widen open, eyebrows being raised up and a confused expression on my face. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing. The person who I thought was oh-so-decent and actually a genuinely nice guy was actually acting that way. I understand the fact that the two are friends and everything, but it was clear on her face that she was uncomfortable with you touching her in any manner, so why did you keep trying? It wasn’t all that discreet, honest because I was able to tell and I wasn’t even trying to pay any attention to you. She had even thanked me, in a whisper, from saving her from you. I mean you know that she has a boyfriend and they’re completely and totally loyal to each other. I mean honestly, I don’t even think that you like her more than a friend, especially under the circumstances you’re under. But seriously? I mean how can you actually promise me one thing and then go the other girl and promise her the exact same thing? Obviously, that’d make me a bit worried, right? Because you making that promise to me is way more important, but you didn’t think so since you just shrugged it off.

But there was a huge burden that just got lifted off my shoulders today. It’s as if, when the room was engulfed in darkness, a spark of light was lit and it spread throughout the entire room. Realization dawned upon me, it seemed. All of that, whatever it was. The affection, the wanting, the craving, the thinking and the pondering. It was all just because I honestly cared about you to heart because I thought you were way worth my time. Because you could have actually lasted longer with me than some of my acquaintances or other friends, but it’s the same. You’re just same as the rest of them- a wolf hidden in sheep’s clothes. Except, with 2 layers of sheep skin so that nobody can really tell the difference unless they truly know all the sides of you. Perhaps I’m being overdramatic and over-exaggerating, but it was all just so different. Don’t get me wrong because I can take it very well if you joke around, fool around, play about, prance around and act stupid, but are you sure that’s all you were trying to do?

It’d actually be quite hilarious if you read this post and identified it as yourself. Infact, I think you’d be quite hurt for me thinking about you like this, but I just can’t help it. Perhaps it’s because of the mood I’m in or because of my failure of observation skills or perhaps I just misinterpreted the whole thing honestly.

Refusing To Get Caught In the Spider's Web

“I’m hoping for the best for you because you’re my friend.”
I know.

“Stop going on facebook or whatever’s distracting you.”
I understand.

“Start a little at a time and work yourself up the ladder.”
I get it.

It really does make sense and I know it, but it feels like whatever I say now seems like nothing but an excuse, but what do I do? That really is the case. I’m lazy. I hardly feel like trying anymore because when I try, nothing good comes out of it. When the moment is good and when I start having hope, things get scattered. The small bits and pieces of my memory get lost and then I’m back in square one, where I started.

So apparently now, whenever I rant or whenever I ramble—and whenever it concerns myself, it’s called whining. And apparently, whenever I think about things that don’t concern sunshine and rainbows, I’m wallowing. Uh huh. Are you serious? If you don’t want to hear me speak or ramble or rant, who’s asking you to? You can just tell me in the beginning, or cut me off and tell me the truth.

I want to write never-endingly. I want to just spill out everything and anything. The problem, now, is not that I don’t have the words to do such a thing. The thing is that I don’t know where to start. I might not even have the time to do such a thing. I just don’t know. And sometimes, I’ll admit, I don’t have the words because sometimes it’s just all so hard to express in the vocabulary that I know.

Realization dawned on me today as I was sitting in the front seat of the car. Unintentionally or intentionally, I don’t know, I’ve been avoiding that place because it’s the place where those old memories easily come seeping back into my mind. I’ve been making sure to go everywhere except that place it seems just so that I don’t have to remember him again. I’ve been avoiding listening to those slow, melodious hindi songs because they reminded me of him. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not hung up on the guy. I don’t even have a crush on him if that’s what you think because these infatuations are silly, useless little things. However, those memories are something that just tend to irritate me sometimes because in a way or two, he managed to diffuse through my not-so-permeable walls for a few months before things got a bit too concentrated and I had to throw him out. Not that he was complaining really. I know that makes me sound all bitter and such, but I didn't exactly throw him out. It's more like circumstances were such that he just had to make a temporarily exit from my life. But did I know that it was going to be temporarily? No. I almost made the same mistake when the year of 2009 started with another person, but then I caught myself after a while because I refused to do something wrong again.

Which reminds me. God. When I got that message from her, after almost a year now, I was so stumped. I refreshed the page because I didn’t believe it. Honestly. I was completely flabbergasted since I was expecting to be forgotten forever, but no. I guess not. So I did what I usually would have done and I replied back. I wonder how much she’s planning to mess around with me now. And I still miss her. What an idiot I am.

So, don’t mind it. This post was just bits and pieces from my “wonderful” mind and it doesn’t flow at all. But oh well. I did want to write more too, but then in the process of writing this much, the rest of what I wanted to write flew out of my brain, sadly.

With Eyes Sparkling, Cheeks Glowing and Blood Pressure Rising . . .

Just a little something that I wrote yesterday. It's not exactly a poem, but it's not exactly a rant. And no. It is not an April Fool's joke. Just incase you think so, from the words below. Simply something that I was 'inspired' to write, one could say.

Your eyes show me your emotions so clearly
Your voice fails to betray the emotions of your heart

I wanted to hug you. I wanted to hold you hand.
I wanted to tell you that things will be okay.
.. that I'm there for you.

i wanted to see you smile..
Is it that bad? Is it that weird..

that I really wanted to tell you that I'm there with you no matter what?
You say there might not be another one for you out there
and that your expectations are too high..
I wish you could have trusted my judgement about her
You wouldn't have had to suffer so much..
that when I see you in pain that it hurts me.
There was a prick inside of me after you admitted the truth to me..
I felt really happy about your confession but my heart went out to you..
I hope it returned.
I really do.
I really can't afford this.
I can't afford to get screwed.

Snap the Elastic Limit, Crack those Straightforward Emotions and Shatter the Ideal Image

You know what? It wasn’t even worth it. It was just wastage of my emotions and time. I know it was meant to just keep me preoccupied so that my mind wouldn’t float to unnecessary things that would be sure to bring me down. However, they simply succeeded in raising my blood pressure, frustration and irritation. Today was just like a “FML” day. Seriously. From the moment I touched the school grounds (no exaggeration here, folks) till the moment that I heard the bell for the sixth period to begin. Nothing was going right; nothing at all. So now what? I was trying; trying to hard to not let things get to me, but it was just so difficult.

Excuse me, but just because you’re jobless and stupid doesn’t give you the right to blabber whatever you want. Just because I have manners and am taught to be nice to everyone doesn’t mean I am to put up with whatever you throw at me. Nuh uh. I learned my lesson, thank you very much. No matter the physical or verbal abuses, you won’t learn your lesson. I forgot; you don’t know the meaning of manners and sense in the first place and, you know what? I refuse to teach you such a thing. Heck, the energy that I wasted on you could have been used for something more productive instead and I almost regret even bothering with you. Sometimes, it is quite the disadvantage-concentrating on the good points of a person, that is. Why? Because in the end, they turned out to be nothing but obnoxious jerks; both of them.

I am busy; things are going absolutely haywire over here, but that’s no excuse for me to stoop down to their level and I absolutely refuse to do such a thing. Especially since I know for a fact that I’m better than them. Just because their ideal person might be skinny like a stick, intelligent like Einstein or tall as a tower-it doesn’t mean I have to be upto that standards because my own standards are way beyond them and I cross them fine. Thank you very much.

So, you know what? Forget you. I don’t really care anymore. I have my own little square and I’m satisfied with it. I’m sick of giving chances to people like you because I know what will happen in the end. You just want a reaction, don’t you? I’ll give you one. Just watch, you lot of imbeciles.I'll do just the opposite. You want a reaction. I'll give you an action. You want me to care? Well, newsflash! I don't and never will.

Attitude determines altitude, so screw you :]

Peace Is All That I Wanted But I All I Got Were Howling Voices And Loud Rapping At the Door

Things are easier said than done, aren’t they? But sometimes those words are strong enough to make you believe the impossible and believe even those mere lies that drip out of one’s mouth. However, those words sometimes just aren’t genuine and can put you down. Some people think that reverse psychology can bring you everything. That if I put you down, you’ll rise up. Newsflash! It doesn’t work that way- not always at least.

Sure, in the next 10 years, I might not be in touch with the same friends and I might not have the same people with me, but I know that there are these handful of people which I wouldn’t want to let go so easily. Not for the reason that I’m attached to them or anything because it’s rather hard for me to do something like that. It’s rather, because I know that with our percentage of compatibility, it’d be hard for me to find someone like that around anywhere. And the trust I have in those handful [3-4] of people- perhaps I wouldn’t share the same relationship with anyone else for a long time. However, if one of those three people thinks that there’s no point of a friendship and they’re only going to be there temporarily, why should I even bother? Isn’t that like them telling me that they’re only indirectly using me? Why do such a pathetic thing? Why even bother thinking so far in the future? If you and me were meant to carry on our bond and if we try at it- why think that it’s going to end so early? Heck, why think about it ending at all? Thinking about the future is perfectly fine, but to such an extent? Why must we all be so obsessed with it- trying to analyze and find out about every speck of it?

So, I wanted to become a psychologist. Or become a psychiatrist. How this dawned upon me? Besides the fact that I’m extremely fascinated with the human kind, it was probably because of all the mess and confusion and questions that people and my mind has been bringing me. Now see, I can listen to someone, I can advice them and I can be patient with them. Whether it’s a small problem or whether it’s a large one, I can probably help a person out. And even if I can’t, I’ll make myself to help them out. I don’t exactly follow the same style as others- as in just preaching pointlessly or preaching in such an idealistic way of which the real world would scoff at, but I know the difference between the right and wrong of the universe and my own right and wrong. A psychiatrist? Well, I realize that many people have problems in such where it just can’t be cured instantly or with words. What they need is more than just consultancy, they need to be medicated. However, many people call these psychiatrist the lunatic doctors, which is- partially true. Yet, it seems like my decision isn’t exactly supported. I mean how did it go from intensive medicine to doctor to this after all. It isn’t supported- not by my parents because they’re fine with it- for the most part. It’s something else. So, I realize that, but now what? I can’t just run after it. There’s a barrier blocking me. A huge one. And the longer I wait, the more the barrier is growing.

Ah, life used to be much easier once one just goes along with it and decides to flow along with the rest of the fishes in the world. But then, once I started trying to figure things out and piecing things together—once I started trying to connect each piece together to make one giant puzzle, things started becoming insane. Ah, the happiness of being oblivious. The bliss of not knowing. The bliss of not caring and just being so free. The happiness of just going with it. The happiness of not bothering with things or concerning yourself with others. But now, it’s all gone. Things have changed. It’s not fun anymore. If only my mind was in the right place- if only it wasn’t all over the place. They’re all so selfish, so utterly selfish and stupid. I should have guessed before shouldn’t I have? I tried to stay on the bright side though- having some hope in this thing people call humanity, but where it is nowadays? Only within those handful of people that contribute to the population. I’ve seen them though and somehow, I can’t help but keep this hope within me.

I can’t help but wonder a few things. Was it really a miracle? How can they- or even you say it was when you worked so hard towards it? Don’t say you didn’t. I saw your sagging face everyday. I heard your gloomy voice on the phone. I knew you were sleep deprived for months. I could see the bags below your eyes, the weak smile that could hardly be conjured by you and that took so much energy to bring about. I wonder if he has really changed for the good or it’s just a cover up. I wonder if he really learned his lesson from being away and being mentally tortured for those 58 days. I wonder how long it’s going to take for the truth to be shown. For the curtains to finally come up and for everything to be revealed.

Sick of being here, there and everywhere. No more philosophy. For now.

Wow. It seriously has been a while, hasn’t it? Honestly, I’ve been wanting to blog since such a long time, but there was a huge of problem which I couldn’t overcome—I had no internet and, obviously, without internet there’s no way I can blog. Since last blog entry, lots has happened, it’s unbelievable. My life seems to be more eventful than a movie I tell you. And I’m not over exaggerating- although I do wish I was.

My father went to India a week or so back and the very day he reached India, I caught a fever. It wasn’t a minor one either as I had a temperature of 103. I came back from school dizzy, shivering and with a fever. Let’s just say it was not a good combination at all. I didn’t do anything that day except sleep of course. Or at least I tried to sleep, but I was feeling really uneasy. Perhaps it was because of the fever or because of something else I just couldn’t place. Then we got a call in the middle of the night when all of us were trying to sleep- a call from my uncle. Yes, it was quite the surprise because my uncle usually doesn’t interact with my mother and he was calling her on her cellphone. More than anything, what was unexpected was the news that was conveyed through the phone call.

Yes, it seems like my grandmother- my father’s mother- had passed away a few minutes after midnight [India time, of course]. She was going through a lot of pain and she was really weak. Not to mention she was quite the aged woman, but my logic didn’t work against my tears. What could I do? A mix of the news and my fever was not exactly the best combination there was. Nevertheless, I stayed strong because I was really worried about my father more than anything because it was his mother and also because he was alone in India. My mother texted my older brother in the states telling him the news about my grandmother and the news shocked him a lot as well.

Then again, my Chemistry test was absolutely because of my emotional and mental state at that moment .I found out that I, apparently, can’t concentrate very well with such a fever. And the results of my test really did bring me down. It’s like I re-found a whole bunch of new guilt that was stored in the corner of the cupboard. But that’s over. It was a few weeks back and now things are settling down although it feels weird to stay that I have only one grandmother left and nobody else. Things are stable now and we’re all fine and recovered. We’re strong. We know that it’s better that she was put out of her misery instead of staying on this Earth and suffering so much. Not to mention that she did live her life and tried to enjoy it. And my dad- who loved her so much- was there for her till the very end and I believe that was really appropriate.

So my fever was running for an entire week- 10 days to be exact and it was not pretty. I’d had headaches, stuffy noses, dizziness- the package. I, of course, refused to go to the hospital since I was sure that my fever would diminish and it did eventually. Actually, towards the end the fever started to turn into a cough. A really horrible cough. And to be honest- that cough is still somewhat there, but I’m perfectly fine now. For the most part at least. My little brother on the other hand? Not so much. Yesterday he got really sick. And I mean really sick and he’s getting better, but not by much. His fever is like the people’s moods here. It’s FLYING up and down constantly. We can’t tell whether he’s getting worse or better and the reason for the weird changes in his body. I only pray and hope that he gets better quickly.

To be honest, my original plan was to write more and to write a longer entry. Not because I owe anyone anything because I don’t. It was because I really wanted to, but something happened. As usual, my train of thoughts got interrupted and my flow of writing just stopped. The emotion and state of mind I was in changed and I couldn’t continue with the very same topic. Granted, I could have just moved on to a separate topic, but if I need to do that I’ll probably just write another blog entry. Just to make it more organized. Or something to that extent at least.