Saturday, May 12, 2012

Wishing and refusing to wait

My mind feels restless. So restless. I can feel sadness, yet again, making her place in my heart- weighing me down, like an elephant who’s far too hefty for it’s own good. I had a conversation with a person a few nights back and couldn’t help but wonder if I was too honest. Who would have thought that I would ever use the phrase as ‘too honest,’ right? However, sometimes in this country it really seems like a common used one. You lie and commit a sin; it’s completely stupid of you to do so because it can lead to the straining of a relationship. On the other hand, if you’re too honest won’t you just end up scaring away a person- making them drift away or back off? Who knows.

It irks me to a vast extent that we’re in the same grounds as one another and our communication is kept to a minimal; it honestly makes me wonder if I’m done something wrong. Being the person I am, starting a conversation isn’t a difficult task, but it makes me wonder if I have a right to anymore. More than being irksome though, it hurts. It hurts so much that all I can do is just watch you and listen to you and not just closer no matter what. It hurts.

“Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to a selfish motive. It is a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves. ” - Stephen Kendrick, The Love Dare

I wish I could eradicate a horrible trait that has developed within me for the past two or three years. I completely and utterly loathe it and wish it didn’t exist. Every time it rises I suppress it. Every single time. I just cannot let it release- I simply cannot, because I know how disastrous that could be, and all the consequences that could follow with it. I know the amount of relationships, close and far, that could be spoiled- which could be destroyed. I know how many people would vanish. I know how many people it would hurt. But God- it’s getting difficult. It’s getting so difficult to stop myself. And yet… Yet I’m tempted to take such a decision which would force me to tread on such precarious grounds.

I wonder if that’s because I have the chance of doing something good for once- even if it’s just a tiny bit- or whether I’m just stupid.

How many more mistakes will I make until I learn..

How many more people will I hurt until I change....