Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
I still get frustrated when I think about him.
All that time I put in, and then it all falls down .. ?
It makes me cringe. I was so stupid.
I know he's changed. I hope he's doing better.
I think things are better now. For him at least.
It wasn’t meant to be. I should have known that.
You and me are finished. I can’t continue.
I’m almost glad I stopped myself in the past.
I don’t want to know what could have happened in the future.
It would have hurt more. Right?
Was it all just another facade of yours?
You’re getting better by those day by day.
You know you’re flawed, claiming that you don’t know the good in yourself.
All I do is reassure, but now I’m thinking back on my words.
What is friendship to you? Am I just another part of the crowd for you?
The part that spills out their guts to you and gets nothing in return?
The one that tells you what ever is on her mind and then gets talked about behind her back.
By you? If so, I don’t want this anymore. I can keep you as an acquaintance, like before
I can push you back to where you should be. It might hurt a bit.
But I’ll get over it eventually. Maybe you’d be more satisfied then.
Will you be?
Judgments on this? I don’t care to be honest.
It’s my space. It’s my own little bubble.
People want to flame, comment, go ahead.
I’d like you to- what can you conjure up?
The others are too intimidated.
But now things are changing.
I need to rise up again. Not for them, but for myself.
In that one sense, I refuse to give them the satisfaction
Of course, they’ll only say things amongst themselves.
Not one has the courage to say it to my face.
Say it to my face. Right this very minute.
I dare you.
I can’t seem to concentrate on my studies. I need to stop taking so many breaks.
I wish to stop my mind from drifting to other topics which linger around in my mind.
I don’t know why these thoughts keep running through them constantly, as if a marathon is occurring and a winner isn’t emerging from there. I keep thinking on and on about endless things- about nothing and everything.
And in a flash, time passes by without me knowing.
Next thing I know, it’s been two hours since I started writing
A pill to make me numb
A pill to make me dumb
A pill to make me anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save me from myself
(This is the lyrics of a song I heard a while ago. Don't remember it, but it popped into my head while I was writing)
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Sunday, November 07, 2010
It's like no matter how much the attempt, you can't get the feeling out from your mind and heart. No matter how much you try to divert your attention away from those thoughts, they keep creeping back onto your mind. Just a weekend was enough for the gist of the feeling to spark- imagine if the separation goes on for weeks and years.. to the extent that it's face would be blurry in my memory- to the extent that I would have lost a friend without even the realization moment hitting me. Was it a friendship in the first place or a relationship of convenience- the question strikes once again. Was it possible for one person to deceive the entire batch into thinking that they were best friends, or even more? Perhaps so, or maybe people just saw the surface of it all. Not what was under those layers, beneath the broken smiles and lifeless eyes.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
I don’t like people who degrade or insult their friends in front of others. Even if I had to correct you or insult you, I wouldn’t do it in front of everyone else because their image of you would be lowered. I believe that friends and family have similar points in plenty of ways. I mean when you’re talking about your family to other people, you wouldn’t expose all of their flaws and their issues, would you? It’s pretty much the same case when it comes to friends, according to me. Why do you have to insult your friends in front of others anyways? To show that you know your friends better than others? To lower the standards of what other people think of your friends? To higher the mental standard of what other people think of you?
So it’s not like I don’t want to be all active and social, but if it means being like them, no thank you. I’m the kind who can’t compromise her morals for anything. Flattering adults endlessly. Being overfriendly to people of the opposite gender. Pretending to be interested and hanging onto every word an acquaintance says so intently. Plastering a smile on your face and making sure that it remains that way the entire day regardless of the actual state of your emotions and heart. I’m sorry, but there’s no way I can do all of that and debase my true self that badly. To me, it just seems absolutely senseless and idiotic for someone to compromise their true self, personality or mindset just because-they want to be friends with everyone, want people to ‘follow’ them and be on their side or want to be a people pleasure.
Which brings me to my next point. I really don’t understand how people can fake their way through everything. Even though they’re miserable and depressed inside, they smile like fools pretending that everything is okay when it’s definitely not. How stupid indeed. Do they think that just because they pretend to be happy that they’re actually going on be happy later on- that things are actually going to be all dandy at the end? If so, many people out there are quite delusional. They’re clearly living in a fairytale world because things do not work that way- not in reality at least. What’s the point of smiling from the outside if you’re gloomy from the inside anyways? It's not like it's going to make you internally feel any better.
Which brings me to my next point. I really don’t understand how people can fake their way through everything. Even though they’re miserable and depressed inside, they smile like fools pretending that everything is okay when it’s definitely not. How stupid indeed. Do they think that just because they pretend to be happy that they’re actually going on be happy later on- that things are actually going to be all dandy at the end? If so, many people out there are quite delusional. They’re clearly living in a fairytale world because things do not work that way- not in reality at least. What’s the point of smiling from the outside if you’re gloomy from the inside anyways? It's not like it's going to make you internally feel any better. I do understand that people are against others pitying them, but then you don’t need to explain everything to them. Simply show you true emotions, who you are and what you are. That itself is good enough. And honestly, it’s not that difficult. After all, the best judge is life is yourself and God- not anybody else.
Monday, September 27, 2010
So I disliked my last blog post, a lot. It just didn’t seem to personify me at all- like how my blog posts usually tend to. That fact irritated me to such an extent that I was even tempted to delete my last post, but I forced myself not to do such a thing. For now at least.
School hasn’t been the greatest experience in the world, but I’m learning how to deal with it. It’s hard to believe that just in 2.5 months of not seeing some people, they’ve changed so much. And not all that change is exactly good. Some people have become more distant, others more selfish. Some so caught up in their world of ‘popularity’, seeming to prioritize socializing and popularity over their real friends. It’s sad actually. Very sad. Confronting those people or questioning those people would have been quite a good idea, I thought at first, but then should I really be the one to tell them so? Should people, at the age of 18, be so oblivious to the fact that they’re changing in a negative way or drifting away or being absolutely stupid? And also, who am I to point out everything to them- about what happened to them, their change, the different personality that I’m now seeing in them? Sure, I’m supposed to be his/her good/close friend, but to pinpoint so much just seems to be rather selfish and a bit too reprimanding. Hello—try to grow up and not be so oblivious in your own little, fake happy world which you’re trying to make seem so flawless and filled with absolute joy.
I’m not saying that I’m completely the same of how I was 3 months ago because things have happened this summer to change parts of my viewpoints and my mindset. But to say that I’ve undergone a huge change- especially a totally bad one is a wrong statement. People usually deny when they’re accused of something or when their negative points are pointed out but I wouldn’t do such a thing—much. I understand that it’s human nature to do so because who wants to hear their faults and flaws spoken aloud? But still, I personally find it impractical to deny such a thing when that’s what I actually am or when it really is my fault.
So change is inevitable- it’s something that happens whether we like it or not, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t mould it in a way which would be positive for us and our live. Of course we can do that. The only difference is that some people are too thick to notice that things around them are changing and they’re changing—and I’m not talking about a positive change either. And sometimes, it can get quite irritating and yet we’re forced to put up with those people or situations. How sad.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Never Back Down Because The Hurdles Are Higher Than Your Physical Height- They're Never Too High For Your Internal Strength.
Hey guys. So, I’ve been kinda stuck in my head lately. And it’s not always that fun. And it’s getting insane. I’ve pretty much been consumed by the internet, for the past 3 months. I feel like I’m just losing time- have no idea how time’s going by like this. In June, I had preoccupied myself with going out as much as I could. In a way, I was escaping everything that I shouldn’t have escaped, but it was alright because it was satisfactory. And I don’t regret it. In July, I toned down my outings and tried to be with my family more, but I didn’t spend at much time in my thoughts like I should have. But anyhoo- that’s beside the point. I wanted to blog today considering it’s been a while. So here I am now.
So. I try to avoid sleeping. Perhaps it’s because it’s a habit or maybe it’s because I think that if I sleep, I’ll be wasting my summer vacation. I mean otherwise I could be watching another episode of a series, chatting with a friend, reading a book—doing something. However, sleep is necessary. What I’ve realized though, is that I love sleeping, but going to sleep is something that’s definitely not on my list of ‘happiest things to do’—not that there is a genuine list in the first place.
Raksha Bandhan is tomorrow. For those who don’t know what is it, it’s a hindu festival which basically celebrates the relationship between brothers and sisters. The festival is marked by a sister tying a holy thread called a rakhi, to the brother’s wrist. The brother, in return, offers his sister money or a gift and says that he’ll protect her and all (whatever he wants to really). And the sister gives the brother sweets—mainly methai(which are Indian sweets). And he feeds her some too, traditionally. So the thing is that we celebrate it every year and all, so it’s usually pretty cool, but the thing is that I’m slightly more excited for it this year because it’ll be the first year in plenty that both my brothers will be here with me. Granted, my older brother shall only be there till the afternoon as he has other things to attend to, but his presence—for a few hours even—is satisfactory enough for me.
So I was thinking this a few days ago- like 1-2 days ago actually, considering I went to Diyafah for admission and things didn’t work out there. Considering the grades I got in my AS level examinations (which would have made an extremely depressing blog post) I’m not all too sure whether I’ll get admission into my current school . Now see, I would like admission into my current school because life would be more convenient for me. Granted, my teachers would be all disappointed at me, but that’s a different story. So what if I don’t get admission into my current school. Then what? Obviously, my life shaln’t be over. I could do all my subjects privately (although it would be quite demotivating and enhance my laziness) or I could take up a fulltime job for one year somewhere and earn some money. Both options seem to be more tempting than just rotting at home, don’t they? Of course they do because I’ll actually be somewhat productive if I chose to do any of those. So, yes, my life won’t be over.. But I’d still prefer if I got admission in my other school.
So yeah, that’s it for today basically. I did have plenty to write about considering I hadn’t updated in like quite a while, but because of the time, I think I shall continue on another time. After all, I'm supposed to wake up early tomorrow so that I could have a head start on things.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
If you have friends who don’t understand you or the situation, what’s the point of having them? I cancelled the plans I had with one because I needed to go out with family. That person should understand, but instead, in return, I receive a hate SMS while that very person ignores my calls and messages. I tried. I honestly did in every manner that I possibly could. It was then that realization moment struck me. I’m better than that. Why should I bow down so much, to the extent that it’s easy for someone to kick me down again? What I was before, when I arrived at this country, was an amazing person with tons of optimism, hope and light. Now things are different, I realize that. However, I still want to keep a huge piece of my true self intact. I refuse to throw away my prioritizes or give away my true self just to fit in or be cool. Why should I anyways? So then I figured that it’s his loss because I’m absolutely sick of this.
And then, it was her. I thought that maybe she could understand and help me out a bit. Things were going haywire over here, but I was never the one to holler out for help—well, rarely. So I sent a simple text message to her to help me with a task. Instead of a “how are you” or “are you okay” or anything of that sort, as a reply, I merely received a declination. I thought she, from all the people, could realize something was wrong from the vocabulary/words I had used in the message, but perhaps I was expecting too much in the end after all.
There were two more incidents that occurred as well- two incidents I wasn’t expecting to occur. The whole thing made me rethink things a little bit more. Do I even have any genuine friends after all? What is the meaning of genuine? Am I expecting too much from this country? Am I expecting too much from human beings? Is it possible to get what I want anymore? Am I started to become too selfish? Should I even bother anymore? So many questions of which I have yet to find the answer for.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
So imagine what’s going to be happening to me when it comes to the remaining 3 of my papers- which are already difficult papers as it is. The thought terrifies me- especially since there’s hardly anytime between these exams and hardly any time to study for them.
See, I had time between my first and second paper, so I had time to recover from the horribleness of the paper and move on, but I had physics paper 1 on the 19th which was supposed to be good( and it wasn’t even close to that) so all I could do was hope that on the 20th, my chemistry paper 3 would go better, but NOO. That one had to go and be screwed up as well. Sure, I finished all my experiments, but the calculations were impossible for me to do as I hadn’t the faintest ideas of how to do them. And of course, my graph was SO weird and I was SO paranoid about them that I thought that I did it wrong and left it blank in the end. And guess what? It turned out that the awkward graph was apparently right. And then the anion test—well, I just HAD to mess up in that too, didn’t I? Well, what could I do? Carbonate was SUPPOSED to be present, but good ol’ me got absolutely no effervescence. And don’t say I didn’t try or pay attention because I repeated that very experiment three entire times.
And stupidly, everywhere you were supposed to put ‘ppt’, for cation, I put ‘solution’ as I wasn’t in the right phase of mind—clearly. Needless to say, I really messed up. So when I returned back home from school, I was fuming with anger because this girl who bawled her eyes out got 20-35 extra minutes apparently, just because she tried and claimed that her experiment wasn’t “working” and the teacher had pity of her. Oh. What.Ever. I’m /so/ sorry that I can’t fake cry like those people. I don’t have those type of wondrous skills!
Upon that, I felt extremely irritated because people who finished the paper or who did really well were still complaining about their paper—about three-four petty marks. I mean seriously! It irks me to no end. I just feel like telling them to get over themselves. And these people who were complaining were the kind who always,somehow, end up getting “A”s in the end.
Oh, and the physics paper. I thought it was okay. It wasn’t that great because I found out many things, at the end, which I never knew about. I mean constants have units? Gradient has a unit—wait whaat? So I was a bit confused, but besides that, I thought it was okay. That was, until. I came out of my centre and we started discussing about it. It turned out that almost every single one of my answers varied from my classmates’. What a confidence booster, eh? Sure, George told me that if you have the working right and all that, then you’ll still get the marks, but really? How can that even be possible when most of my answers are totally different from other people. Funny thing is that I haven’t a clue of what I actually did wrong because I checked most of my working. Twice.
Today too, I had my biology paper 1 and it went horrible. Seriously, I’m beginning to sink in this mode where I’m just like ‘what’s the point anymore’ because really- what is? I mean I studied hard, I truly did and I did every single one of the question papers which were available to me, but it seemed like there was still no point. Because guess what? In the end, the paper sucked. It was horrible. And of course, there were these handful of people who I can count off who were simply complaining (before AND after the paper) that they were sure to get bad marks and that they were completely unprepared for such a paper. Yeah. Right. Give me a break already.
I’m not trying to be overdramatic or anything because I’m honestly /not/. But you see, when you actually try really hard, study a lot, do whatever you can in your capacity and then these are the results you get? Well, you automatically start to feel really down. And more than feeling depressed—although the feeling of being down in the dumps IS there, I’m just extremely frustrated at myself.
And now, I have the predicted, worst, papers coming up.
Let’s see. Let’s see. How much worse can I do? Not much right? Considering all that’s been done.
But wait. Let’s not ask that question still. Or come to a conclusion because I think I can prove you wrong with how much worse things could still go considering it’s me you’re talking about.
Monday, April 26, 2010
So, I confess. There are these times where I think about you. It’s a very rare time since I know that there’s no point about thinking about you anymore, but sometimes I just can’t help it. It was you that pushed me to talk to him after all. It was you that insisted that we would be the perfect couple after all. I can still remember all those things that you told me. Even though /he/ had broken your heart, you had insisted that I was the one who could understand him and who was like him. I was the one who could complete him and stand by him. Even though there were 7000 miles separating us, you said that if we actually talked to each other, something would click. And also, you had even thought of how our childish would look like. Foolishly, you had even gone so far as to check if our horoscopes matched with each other! And surprisingly? They matched. According to the stars and you, we were perfect for each other. According to reality and logic, we weren’t. Even while I talk to him now, even if it is only a couple of times here and there, I think of all the things you said and scoff. I was right and you were wrong, but guess what? I’m not disappointed because even if I get close to him, just as a friend, it’ll be enough because more than anything, I know that he needs someone genuine in his life. And what actually is sad is the fact that I know that I can’t be that one for him.
On another note, my exams are starting soon. Yeah, I should really look at my timetable once again. Right now Im putting off revision- or studying-(for the most part) because it’s quite difficult and irritating. It’s actually quite ironic in a way because each time I sit down with my books, I realize I am way behind my imaginary schedule and then I put it off even longer because I don’t know where to start from or how to dive into my textbooks and portion. And trust me, if you took Chemistry and Biology, you’d be almost in the same position where I am right now. Of course, it’s not that I don’t feel guilty about not studying and stuff. The guilt is lingering right behind me, just like a shadow and following me everywhere, but it’s the fear that’s consuming me up as a whole. Apart from that, I’ve noticed that when I’m studying, I go into this staring phase where I just keep looking at something—yes, even the wall—for a really long time. Strange thing is that I realize that I’m doing it and just don’t stop. It can be anything. From the wall, to a pencil or even a mirror. My train of thoughts start, and then don’t stop, as soon as my eyes are set on a particular object. Which is, honestly, a terrible thing cosidering the time I have till my finals.
But there was a huge burden that just got lifted off my shoulders today. It’s as if, when the room was engulfed in darkness, a spark of light was lit and it spread throughout the entire room. Realization dawned upon me, it seemed. All of that, whatever it was. The affection, the wanting, the craving, the thinking and the pondering. It was all just because I honestly cared about you to heart because I thought you were way worth my time. Because you could have actually lasted longer with me than some of my acquaintances or other friends, but it’s the same. You’re just same as the rest of them- a wolf hidden in sheep’s clothes. Except, with 2 layers of sheep skin so that nobody can really tell the difference unless they truly know all the sides of you. Perhaps I’m being overdramatic and over-exaggerating, but it was all just so different. Don’t get me wrong because I can take it very well if you joke around, fool around, play about, prance around and act stupid, but are you sure that’s all you were trying to do?
It’d actually be quite hilarious if you read this post and identified it as yourself. Infact, I think you’d be quite hurt for me thinking about you like this, but I just can’t help it. Perhaps it’s because of the mood I’m in or because of my failure of observation skills or perhaps I just misinterpreted the whole thing honestly.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
“Stop going on facebook or whatever’s distracting you.”
“Start a little at a time and work yourself up the ladder.”
I get it.
It really does make sense and I know it, but it feels like whatever I say now seems like nothing but an excuse, but what do I do? That really is the case. I’m lazy. I hardly feel like trying anymore because when I try, nothing good comes out of it. When the moment is good and when I start having hope, things get scattered. The small bits and pieces of my memory get lost and then I’m back in square one, where I started.
So apparently now, whenever I rant or whenever I ramble—and whenever it concerns myself, it’s called whining. And apparently, whenever I think about things that don’t concern sunshine and rainbows, I’m wallowing. Uh huh. Are you serious? If you don’t want to hear me speak or ramble or rant, who’s asking you to? You can just tell me in the beginning, or cut me off and tell me the truth.
I want to write never-endingly. I want to just spill out everything and anything. The problem, now, is not that I don’t have the words to do such a thing. The thing is that I don’t know where to start. I might not even have the time to do such a thing. I just don’t know. And sometimes, I’ll admit, I don’t have the words because sometimes it’s just all so hard to express in the vocabulary that I know.
Realization dawned on me today as I was sitting in the front seat of the car. Unintentionally or intentionally, I don’t know, I’ve been avoiding that place because it’s the place where those old memories easily come seeping back into my mind. I’ve been making sure to go everywhere except that place it seems just so that I don’t have to remember him again. I’ve been avoiding listening to those slow, melodious hindi songs because they reminded me of him. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not hung up on the guy. I don’t even have a crush on him if that’s what you think because these infatuations are silly, useless little things. However, those memories are something that just tend to irritate me sometimes because in a way or two, he managed to diffuse through my not-so-permeable walls for a few months before things got a bit too concentrated and I had to throw him out. Not that he was complaining really. I know that makes me sound all bitter and such, but I didn't exactly throw him out. It's more like circumstances were such that he just had to make a temporarily exit from my life. But did I know that it was going to be temporarily? No. I almost made the same mistake when the year of 2009 started with another person, but then I caught myself after a while because I refused to do something wrong again.
Which reminds me. God. When I got that message from her, after almost a year now, I was so stumped. I refreshed the page because I didn’t believe it. Honestly. I was completely flabbergasted since I was expecting to be forgotten forever, but no. I guess not. So I did what I usually would have done and I replied back. I wonder how much she’s planning to mess around with me now. And I still miss her. What an idiot I am.
Friday, April 02, 2010
Your voice fails to betray the emotions of your heart
I wanted to tell you that things will be okay.
.. that I'm there for you.
Is it that bad? Is it that weird..
You say there might not be another one for you out there
and that your expectations are too high..
I wish you could have trusted my judgement about her
You wouldn't have had to suffer so much..
that when I see you in pain that it hurts me.
There was a prick inside of me after you admitted the truth to me..
I felt really happy about your confession but my heart went out to you..
I hope it returned.
I really do.
I really can't afford this.
I can't afford to get screwed.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Excuse me, but just because you’re jobless and stupid doesn’t give you the right to blabber whatever you want. Just because I have manners and am taught to be nice to everyone doesn’t mean I am to put up with whatever you throw at me. Nuh uh. I learned my lesson, thank you very much. No matter the physical or verbal abuses, you won’t learn your lesson. I forgot; you don’t know the meaning of manners and sense in the first place and, you know what? I refuse to teach you such a thing. Heck, the energy that I wasted on you could have been used for something more productive instead and I almost regret even bothering with you. Sometimes, it is quite the disadvantage-concentrating on the good points of a person, that is. Why? Because in the end, they turned out to be nothing but obnoxious jerks; both of them.
I am busy; things are going absolutely haywire over here, but that’s no excuse for me to stoop down to their level and I absolutely refuse to do such a thing. Especially since I know for a fact that I’m better than them. Just because their ideal person might be skinny like a stick, intelligent like Einstein or tall as a tower-it doesn’t mean I have to be upto that standards because my own standards are way beyond them and I cross them fine. Thank you very much.
So, you know what? Forget you. I don’t really care anymore. I have my own little square and I’m satisfied with it. I’m sick of giving chances to people like you because I know what will happen in the end. You just want a reaction, don’t you? I’ll give you one. Just watch, you lot of imbeciles.I'll do just the opposite. You want a reaction. I'll give you an action. You want me to care? Well, newsflash! I don't and never will.
Attitude determines altitude, so screw you :]
Friday, January 29, 2010
I know things are changing. I look back at the events that took place 365 days ago and can’t help but smile. It was so different back then. All girls together. Most of them knowing about the day. Loud singing. Distribution of chocolate. Organization. Surprises. Unexpected calls. However, this year was different: disorganized, yet quite fun. Hardly any few, but it was okay. I’d rather have those genuine few than the whole horde of fake ones. I don’t need them. Expectations not being met up. Things that weren’t being expected happened. Food- junk food. Lots of it was included today. It was eventful- at school at least.
So I was supposed to paste up those two paragraphs you see above on my birthday itself, but I didn’t exactly get a chance to. Now, I start this third pargraph on the actual date it posts here- January 29th(At least that’s what it is where I live). As you would have guessed, January has been an extremely eventful month for me. To be honest, this year itself has been flying way too fast. Many people keep emphasizing on the fact that they can’t wait until July and until they graduate from their school and get to university. For some reason, I can’t agree with most of the crowd when it comes to something like this. Perhaps it’s because of the indecisiveness of majors or universities. Or maybe it’s just because I want to cling onto these memories and times and not let them go so quickly, but it’s not like I really have a choice now do I? Time waits for nobody; not you or me.
So my new year’s “resolution” of posting a blog entry every week didn’t work out, but it’s alright. It just seems like I haven’t had any time to gather all of my thoughts as a whole anyways. Honestly. My thoughts and mind feels like it’s scattered here, there and everywhere I can think of. A brief of what’s going on there just at this very moment- at almost 2 in the morning. Universities. Marketing. AIDA. Majors. Phone call. Random tune. Writing. School. Chemistry. Product. Stage. Members. Useless people. Unpunctual people. Middlesex university. India. Work. Tuitions. Catching up. Throwball. Starting to study. Religion. Sleep. Energy drink.
Yeah, but of course- those are only the things at the top of my head. If I want to think even deeper into what’s actually lurking inside my mind- I’ll go mad or get a headache; I want to stay away from such a thing at the moment.
So, I am going to face them. I’m going to face it. I can do it. Why in the world not? First part, it’s on a stage. Plus, it’s been ages since I tried and the fear is just within my mind anyways. Just count to ten in my mind and breathe; I’m sure I can do it. As for the second part, I can tolerate them because they’re humans too. Just because I have more preference over one kind than the rest does not mean that I hate the other kind. Because I don’t. That’s just lame and it puts me in the same category as these other stupid people- of where I refuse to be. Third part is probably the hardest [as it has to do with my /life/] and I’ve been procrastinating on this for exactly a month and one day now. I just don’t know how to put it into words when I pick up the phone and hear /his/ voice. What am I supposed to say? What if he starts accusing me? What if my tiny hopes get shattered too? As it is, I’m keeping them as low as I can because of what I was told yesterday. Keep your opinions, eh? I’m not blind, nor stupid. Just because one person doesn’t confront me doesn’t mean the other person won’t. This isn’t school, hon. This is reality. Forget the hopes too; it’s okay. It’ll happen. It will work. I will talk. I will see. I will make the decision. I will figure it out. I will sort things out. And right now, that's more important than anything. Almost anything, that is.
Because I’m me.
If I can’t do it for me. Who will?