Monday, November 30, 2009

Breaking Through The Wall; Only Succeeding In More Confusion

So here I am once again writing this entry. It’s probably the nth time I’m trying to write this entry and, hopefully, I won’t erase it. Why I’ve been erasing each entry I’ve been writing? I have no idea. Why I’ve been just staring at the wall hoping answers would come to me? No idea. Why, everytime I start studying, I fall asleep on the book? I have no idea. Why does my body seem to be so tired nowadays? I honestly have no idea.

And you know what? That’s just irritating because I like having answers to things and knowing things. Not ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I have no idea.’ So I’m going to write this now before I go insane or mad or break down or just, something. And if it’s incomprehensible, I wouldn’t be surprised. The thoughts in my head tend to be incomprehensible to me nowadays anyways.

People who say they dislike something and yet they’re the ones who do it in the first place are highly irritating. For example, if there was a group of people on stage- say my friends- who have danced pretty good, It would be my natural tendency to compliment them and criticize them- constructively. Now see, if there’s this other random person talking to her friend criticizing my friends (behind their back)—not cool. So what if I go to them, join them and agree with them? Not fully, of course, because they don’t know what they’re talking about. That’s perfectly fine—not really. But hold on- listen to this. Listen to this. What if. What if, before I’m about to say their good points too- the girl cuts me off and says that I had no right to say anything bad because I wasn’t up there. Now, talk about hypocrisy! Weren’t you the one talking bad about them in the first place? And also, she didn’t let me complete. I was going to tell you their good points because their good points outshone their bad points. Because, in fact, they were excellent at what they did whether it was debating or dancing or singing. So at least give me a chance to complete my sentence and thoughts before you interrupt and come to a really pathetic conclusion.

Those people- I’ve realized what they do. Caking on their makeup, involving themselves elsewhere; it’s all so fake. They slip into oblivion as a way to escape and not to remember or face the situation because the situation isn’t any better really. How could somebody face reality like that? Knowing that someone so close is using you so well? Knowing that they aren’t with you for who you are, but rather for something else? Thinking that money can buy you up and satisfy you completely? (Although it definitely would for me, this isn’t about me). A fa├žade is formed from there and that’s where it all starts because once it’s formed, it becomes a habit and then it’s natural. It becomes a part of them and they just can’t help it. If they start acting like themselves, they start to feel naked; like people can really see through them. And eventually, they lose themselves. Who were they before? Who are they really now? And soon, they surround themselves with people like them because it makes them feel secure; it makes themselves feel better.

Honestly, I have no idea what we are anymore. Whenever he’s upset- or whenever his emotions are directed towards me, he refuses to voice it out. I’m just the opposite. I don’t like that sort of secrecy. If it’s me who’s involved, it’s better if you voice it out. But things changed now. So much for being friends, eh? I really don’t know. I really don’t. In my mind, I know that I’m over him and that things are never going to be the way they were before, but it’s okay because the times I had with him are pretty irreplaceable. The time that I share with each person that I have in my life is irreplaceable. Sure we’ve both moved on in our own ways, but part of my heart still lingers there, only slightly attached to him. Slightly. There’s a reason to that too. The thing was that he replaced someone else I really wanted to be close to previously but lost the chance too. So perhaps I thought that if I got close to this one, I could make up for it. But I probably lost this chance too. He probably hates me. But it’s okay. We weren’t meant to be and I just can’t fight against that anymore.