Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Look for the girl with the broken smile. .. .

Hey lovlies

I haven't updated in forever, it's something that I'm guilty of and it's because I haven't had time. Yes, believe it or not, I- Richa- have not had time to blog on this website (or any website, for that matter) Actually, before I came to India I thought that I had knowledge of many things and why was that? Because when I looked and compared the way people and I were in Dubai, I felt like I knew a bit more about the outside world than they did. Life proved me wrong- and not for the first time either- and the longer I stay in India, the more I realize that I actually have much to learn about life and people. It hurts and I feel so stupid and useless sometimes, but what am I suppose to do when I'm labeled something with a permanent marker? The label is not planning to come out any time soon, according to them at least. Sometimes, I just feel like writing down everything that goes through my mind as I find that it would be a pretty good idea, but whenever I start, it seems to be simply never ending. I suppose that's because I have too many thoughts running through my head. Not to mention, a few minutes after I usually start writing, a thought comes through my head and the thought is 'What's the point of doing this anyways?' After all, they're just childish, pointless thoughts, right? Perhaps not, but we'll never know I suppose. And sometimes I just feel like spilling everything out to one person, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. Ha. 'Never' is more like it.

Okay, okay. So I fully admit that the 32 or so days I've been in India, I've barely enjoyed myself. Perhaps only 3 or 4 of those 32 days have been enjoyable, but it's only because of a mistake that a certain person did in the past. Because of that certain person, my summer vacation- which I remind you, I'll never get back- is being wasted. It's alright though I suppose because I've learned something- quite a few things actually. Ha, my poor innocence. It’s fading away as the days pass by. Sorry to disappoint y'all folks! Joking. But really. The world is officially corrupted. Everyone. Every single person in this universe is money minded and if they say they're not, they're in denial or they're lying. It's as simple as that. Also, everyone has a reason for doing the thing they do. They don't just 'do it' or do it out of love or genuinely- honestly, they don't.

I also realized that I'm a complete idiot. A total idiot. But that's a story for later. Or perhaps not? Mm, we'll see. I simply find it hard to believe that my feelings. My feelings were manipulated and taking advantage of. See? That's why I say- this love and mushy stuff, this caring for each other- it's all fake or nonexistent. With all the things I've seen,well, I'm not sure how to actually believe in them, can you blame me? And god. Good lord. Just because my feelings were taken advantage of, my life is almost totally officially messed up. And it's true- no matter what anyone says. Even if they tell me to study harder or something to that extent, it's hard to believe that the results will be changed because, perhaps, that certain person will ruin everything again. Apparently, feelings are a weakness. A big weakness. But I knew that of course. I simply didn't think that someone close to me- or someone who was suppose to be so close to me- would do something like that and literally lead me to my 'doom'(then again, this word is so over-rated, so perhaps I should put something along the lines of 'the fiery pits of..' Ha. )

And then..I had another thought, like I always do. Why should I change myself for another person? Why, of course I shouldn't. That would be the simple answer, but when you're in such a situation that I was and still am in- it isn't exactly that simple. Ha, the irony- really. More on this later as my thoughts are jumbled up due to a movie that we watched a few hours back. I should write about the movie too, but as it's 4 in the morning, I think I'll pass.

Note: This entry was made on August the 2nd, but as I had no internet, I was not able to post this up. A more updated entry shall be written when I have more time.