I’ll seek and keep searching, and yet not be able to find what I’m looking for. Now the question is: what exactly am I looking for? It could be the understanding of people around me, it could be the desire to gain more materialistically, or it could just be the solace of knowing that I’m not alone. If only it was that easy.. If only..The problem is when you have the question placed in front of you and you have neither the answer, nor a solution. You just have a blank chalkboard staring at you with its beady little eyes, waiting for an answer- waiting, as if there’s all the time in the world, when there really isn’t.
14 minutes and 49 minutes. That’s all it took to end things. As for the other 5 and a quarter minutes and 28 minutes? I’m not sure what they were for- I reckon just to help in speeding up the absorption of thoughts. Things are said, words are exchanged but I have no choice but to just accept things. I’m unable to question why anymore- unable to question why…Situations like this make me wonder who exactly is capable of hurting who. Sure, there are some people in this world who are more open with their emotional self, but there are some who try and shut out that part of their life as much as they can. A barrier is put up so that they don’t acknowledge that side because it might not be as accepted as the other side is or it might portray them as vulnerable; in this world now, who wants to be considered as vulnerable- especially with the connotation of ‘weak’ it has linked with it.
I genuinely never wanted to hurt anyone; infact, I never want to hurt anyone. I’m not such a saint though- I won’t say that I want to be hurt either; nor will I say that I’ve never ended up hurting people. I don’t understand how the label ‘good person’ could be given to me if I’ve ended up hurting a person. Why, if a person claims to be so genuine, would they would refuse to share their true feelings with me- is it because of the intimidation of the person not being on the same emotional scale? Why would you give up something so meaningful, if it meant anything to you in the first place- were there hidden motives in it from the start? Was I ever valued as a friend- even those 2 years ago? There are questions, lots of them but no room to ask them. There are no rights anymore, to ask such thing.
I don’t want to accept things, but I will have to. I want happiness for myself and other people are entitled to it as well- even if I don’t believe in the term ‘compromise’ on a major scale. He(A) has a right to be happy, even a small bit and if I’m not permitted to be a part of it, so be it. Things are better this way- clarified, rather than unsaid or drifted from one another- wordless. It hurts; I’d agree, but it hurts me more to compare the pain I’ve given him rather than what he’s imposed on me. I simply can’t consider myself a ‘good person’ if I’ve ended up hurting him to such a massive extent that he hardly has any choice but to indirectly hurt me with a decision- a decision which might lead him to happiness. I just wish to apologize…because I wish it had been something mutual; I wish I could have given him what he deserved and I wish I could have been in that position where he would rather spill his guts out to me, in a sober manner- rather than seeking out acquaintances. But it’s his comfort- it’s his happiness.
How much longer will this go on- these ‘changes’….These situations….These circumstances of which I can’t take control of….How much longer? (Being powerless is not something I’m rather fond of..)