Saturday, September 19, 2009

Reasons. Changes. Decisions.

I’m a Hindu. Yes. There are many different sub-categories when it comes to Hinduism. I am one who is into Krishnaism. It’s a wonderful thing really, but this entry wasn’t to describe about that, you see.

I used to fast. But not anymore.

I fasted continuously for five to six years during Ramadan due to my personal reasons, but I stopped this year. I won’t be sharing those reasons, so it doesn’t matter. Things changed. Reality sunk in. I had my reasons previously, but now I don’t have them anymore, so why should I? There’s no reason to do it anymore. It’s over. I admit it, that I did fast for two entire weeks this year but I stopped after that.

Besides my personal reasons, it stopped making sense to me that I stayed hungry for 11-or-so hours without changing my lifestyle at all. In those two weeks I fasted, I realized that I was simply becoming more lethargic and things were going down-hill. It all seemed to be pointless. Things were all still the same. After a month of refraining yourself from everything that’s bad, you just jump back into it all, so what’s the point? I’ll tell you—there’s no point at all it seems to me. It’s as if you’re trying to oblige everyone else by doing something like this. And don’t- don’t tell me it’s not true.

I know him. He’s like me. No. He’s like me vaguely. But barely. I refuse to let us be similar. No way. He fasts every Ramadan and he’s not a Muslim either. I don’t know his reasons; I’ve never asked him for them because I never bothered. However, I do know one thing. After this one month, everything’s going to go back to normal. His temper, his drinking and his smoking. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has been smoking while keeping his fast even. Then tell me, what’s the point of starving yourself completely if you’re not doing anything to improve yourself? Why, darn it? Why? I wish I knew the answer. I honestly wish I did.

But the point is that I chose not to fast. Someday, I hope that fasting will make sense to me again and that I will have the willpower to go forth will my reasons and drive all those obstacles away. When this happens, I’ll gladly re-begin the practice. But no, not this time. Not for now. Maybe next year; maybe the year after that. You’ll never know.

You have absolutely no right to put me down because of that. Glaring at me from the corner of your eyes. Throwing accusations at me when you don’t even know half the story. It’s not your place to do such a thing. The bond, the reason. It’s between me, myself and my God. You have no right to interfere in between and think that I will cave into your social standards and expectations and care about the fact that maybe- just maybe- I disappointed you or that I’m a hypocrite. Because, by God, I can tell you that I’m surely not. I was only using the realized that dawned upon me after all these years to guide me in the direction that I’m going.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

How Can You Try Fixing Something That Isn't Broken In The First Place?

I survived. The first week or so of school is finished and I actually survived. Pretty amazing, isn’t it? Wow. This entry sounded calmer than I intended it to be. In fact, I just now finished reading someone else’s blog entry and I wanted to write an entry arguing upon such a thing, but I digress. Forget it. Perhaps some other time. I’m not in a mood for being argumentative or such at the moment.

Let’s be realistic for a short moment now. I seriously miss grade 11. Never thought you’d hear me say or type that now, did you? It’s true though. No, no. I don’t miss the tons of studies and the continuous notes that we had to write, but I miss lots of things. The main thing- or rather person, is this really amazing girl named Arfa. Others- it’s a different story with them. It’s because, for me, each person holds a different meaning and valufe I’m directly writing this now because I do miss that gal. I feel a bit- what do you call it- cheerless without her because I’m so used to having her around. So used to someone actually being my friend. If it was a new school, I’d have no problem in making new friends, I can guarantee you that. TWS, on the other hand, it seems like now the student’s bubbles are so concrete that if you try entering, it’s almost as if you’re invading their privacy. Granted, my presence or absence might mean nothing to her since she’s the type of person who can easily gain friends and click with people, but still. It just feels a bit strange. I suppose my bad habit is almost in motion. But don’t worry. I won’t let it come back. I refuse to let it come back. As for the others? Oh, whatever.

Remember. I’m still Richa. I’m a rock star with my freaking awesome moves and I don’t need them!

Lol. Right, I just had to get that out. Oh, but I do wonder what would have happened if I attended Cambridge instead. No. No! Don’t get me wrong! Not because of her. She has nothing to do with my decision okay? I’m just saying what if I /did/? I mean I did want to attend that school in grade 10, so what if I had transferred there in grade 12? Would it have met up to the expectations that I had reserved in my mind? Well, either way, I shall never know now and it’s of no matter to me. What’s done is done.

The meaning? Just keep moving along. Move along and you’ll make it through somehow.

Or something to that extent at least. Hm. Arabic; I wonder how I’m going to catch up with such a subject since I barely even know the alphabets. Granted, I did pass last year, but that was a different story. I was allowed not to pay attention and such. This year, on the other hand, things have changed. Many things have changed. And truthfully, not many have in a good way. Who knew that K’s attitude would change so dramatically? Who knew that my resolve would slowly change because there seemed to have no point in such a thing? Who knew that Y would slightly drift apart now- is it natural anymore? I wonder about that. But rarely. I have no time for such things; to sit and mull about such unnecessary things anymore. Or at least, it feels like I don’t have enough time.

Wow. The mood of this entry really did change quite a bit, but because of the melancholy song playing on Windows Media Player and my eyelids wanting to close, I think I shall just stop this entry here it is since I have seemed to write a bit of what I wanted.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

►I'll Stick Around And See How Bad It Gets; I'll Settle Down And Deal With Old Regrets◄

She stared at the paper, emotions and events swirling through her mind. There was nothing except silence pulsing throughout the house and she broke it with fingers vigorously pressing at the keyboard. None of it was supposed to occur, but it couldn’t be stopped. They had said that it was to be deserved, but why was the world so cruel?

So at 3:44 in the morning, what I decided to do was write a blog entry. I was craving for comments, really, since they make my day but I found that there’s no point to care anymore if people don’t bother commenting. It’s really their decision and I have no right to force others or push it upon them. Along with a blog entry, I also decided to write a poem (or rather, just a gist of my thoughts) of which you’ll be reading below.

Each scar tells a story,
one of failure or of glory.
From the outside, with time, they’ll heal
But deep inside, I can still feel.
Different they are for each and every person
Prod if you may, but they’ll only worsen
Trying to be in this world good and clean
Corruption started young- at the age of thirteen.
No choice, we had, but to go through it all.
So why is it only tears that I recall?

So school is starting soon. I thought I was completely prepared for it. Mentally and emotionally, but I’m not. My resolve is breaking down. It’s starting to really break down and I don’t want it to be that way. I want to have all of it back. I want to bring myself out of that world and put myself where I really am supposed to be. I don’t want to continue to delude myself into believing all these other things. Things that should come true, but never will. I need to focus and I need to just stay there. I need to think and I need to stop. I need to just get it all out. But they’re all fake. There’s no point even really. They’re all stuck in their own little world; who has time to take care of other people’s woes and worries? If only.. If only. So close, yet so far. But as days pass by, it continues to go even more far. And now.. It seems to be almost out of my reach.