Sunday, August 16, 2009

Just A Word Of Assurance Or Two Is All I Need- Is That Too Much To Ask For?

Sometimes, I wish I hadn’t made such a decision of coming here. I did not have a complete decision in it, of course, but I could have at least tried to prevent it. This all- it’s eating me up inside. Decisions, lies and betrayal. How much more can it go on- I keep thinking and wondering about that and yet, I never get a reply back.

However, I got a reply back today. Just one small one and it made my heart sink because if I hadn’t supported that decision maybe things would have been better- just maybe. I wanted to let go- just end it all because it seemed to be so simple but I felt so guilty and bad saying that. I felt hurt thinking something like that and almost empty because it’s a part of my life and I can’t just leave it like that. It’s impossible so I shall hang on to my hope. I shall keep trusting in God and just having faith that things will be okay in the end. And I’m sure it will. It’s just a matter of trust and patience.

A combination of being frustrated confused, irritated- it’s no fun, I can guarantee you that. Granted, I’m a strong person so I know I’ll survive through it all. I will do my best and I will try to and I know that I can do it. What about him though? He’s alone and it’s so hard to reach at the place where he is. Trying to pick up the broken pieces, trying to glue it back together.. And only having the same thing happen the next day. Tell me, how much longer can this go on? But I know that no matter how many times I keep asking and repeating it, I won’t get an answer. Not yet.

Instead of saying that you’re fine and instead of just being so unclear and making me feel so distant from you, why didn’t you tell me the truth? I found out the answer, I really did. You trusted me- you really did love me. And you still do. You were trying to protect me- us. You’re not superman and I’m not na├»ve. I know this world and I know how things are. I wish- oh, I wish things could be how they were supposed to because you don’t deserve something like this. You really don’t.

I’m an open person- a person who lets free. A person who’s a small enigma, but if she wants to give in, she will. A candid person who can be hated and liked and who wants to just help others. That isn’t a sin, right? Maybe there’s just no place- no place in this corrupted world. But no. I cannot be like that other person. The one next to you being so diplomatic or two-faced, I cannot.

I’m not foolish, I can promise you that. I’m trying, I really am and I’m just hoping and wishing things would work out.. If I get stuck in the past and keep regretting things, nothing will happen. All I can keep doing is thinking about you and praying. If I do that, I’m sure everything will be okay. And things will be okay because God is with us. And he's guiding the way for us. He'll do what's best for us- he definetely will.

Following Up Of the Past, Consequences and Such

I’m thankful- I’m extremely thankful to the Lord for my IGCSE results. Granted, I wish I could have done better, but I’m satisfied with my results, I really am. It feels like all that I struggled through was actually worth it because I do feel like- for once- when I tried, I actually got the worthy results back. Usually, it’s such that I try and try and yet nothing comes out of it- at least not ever since I’ve switched schools. Oh, gosh, though, but this time I got the results I think I deserved- the results that I actually studied for. Now, please, from my words don’t assume that I got overly brilliant grades because I didn’t. I got grades that I felt were satisfactory for me and I believe that’s enough. And, really, don’t think I’ll actually be mentioning my grades here because, if you know me, you’d know that I’m the type of person who isn’t too fond of disclosing my grades to another.

[This mainly refers to grade 10 and 11-- and the present]
Whenever I see people in academic brilliance, I feel happy for them, and yet , internally, I feel a bit disappointed because I wonder why I haven’t been able to get the same. And don’t think that I didn’t used to try. I used to sometimes blame others- the teacher mainly- saying that they weren’t good enough because, honestly, they weren’t. As I continued to say that, though, it seemed to be like nothing but an excuse so I knew that I had to do it by myself. And that’s what I did- I worked hard and tried; I kept trying- and yet things didn’t work out. I wanted- and I want- to do everything in my power to avoid failure because that was something that I simply couldn’t afford. Towards the end of grade 10 and the beginning of grade 11, I felt really down because it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t succeed because my grades weren’t rising. They were dropping from A’s to B’s, C’s and D’s and that was something I wasn’t used to at all. It was hard to imagine me- a straight A and B student getting her first D on her report card. It was frustrating; absolutely frustrating. Not because it was on my report card- because I had been trying and yet my results were low.

Consequently, my expectations for my board exam results were extremely low- B’s and C’s but god was really merciful and he didn’t give me even one C, of which I really am thankful for. As I mentioned before, I didn’t get /great/ or /excellent/ grades- I know plenty of people who got better grades than me, but it’s alright because I’m satisfied with what I got. I just need to apply for the schools and see where I can get in for AS levels now. And hopefully, I’ll get in the school I wish to attend.

Also, I would highly appreciate it if I got comments as they boost me up to write even further. However, if you don't feel like commenting, it is also alright of course x]