Monday, November 29, 2010

♠ You don't know what you got, until it's Gone ♠

Warning: Yes,It is a another rant. Two posts in less than a month, what a miracle, right? Names will not be disclosed here or in reality- I gave enough hints as it is. If you don't care or understand this post(which wouldn't be a surprise to me) skip the post, or do whatever makes you human beings satisfied.

I still get frustrated when I think about him.
All that time I put in, and then it all falls down .. ?
It makes me cringe. I was so stupid.
I know he's changed. I hope he's doing better.
I think things are better now. For him at least.
It wasn’t meant to be. I should have known that.
You and me are finished. I can’t continue.
I’m almost glad I stopped myself in the past.
I don’t want to know what could have happened in the future.
It would have hurt more. Right?
Was it all just another facade of yours?
You’re getting better by those day by day.
You know you’re flawed, claiming that you don’t know the good in yourself.
All I do is reassure, but now I’m thinking back on my words.
What is friendship to you? Am I just another part of the crowd for you?
The part that spills out their guts to you and gets nothing in return?
The one that tells you what ever is on her mind and then gets talked about behind her back.
By you? If so, I don’t want this anymore. I can keep you as an acquaintance, like before
I can push you back to where you should be. It might hurt a bit.
But I’ll get over it eventually. Maybe you’d be more satisfied then.
Will you be?
Judgments on this? I don’t care to be honest.
It’s my space. It’s my own little bubble.
People want to flame, comment, go ahead.
I’d like you to- what can you conjure up?
The others are too intimidated.
But now things are changing.
I need to rise up again. Not for them, but for myself.
In that one sense, I refuse to give them the satisfaction
Of course, they’ll only say things amongst themselves.
Not one has the courage to say it to my face.
Say it to my face. Right this very minute.
I dare you.
I can’t seem to concentrate on my studies. I need to stop taking so many breaks.
I wish to stop my mind from drifting to other topics which linger around in my mind.
I don’t know why these thoughts keep running through them constantly, as if a marathon is occurring and a winner isn’t emerging from there. I keep thinking on and on about endless things- about nothing and everything.
And in a flash, time passes by without me knowing.
Tick tock.
Next thing I know, it’s been two hours since I started writing
I want...
A pill to make me numb
A pill to make me dumb
A pill to make me anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save me from myself
(This is the lyrics of a song I heard a while ago. Don't remember it, but it popped into my head while I was writing)

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Gotta Bounce and Make Sure the Echoes are Heard Everywhere

Warning: Yes. It is a mindless rant. Majority of you might not understand it or care due to its error and content. Deal with it. Or just skip the post- even better, no?

There are so many people in the world. Worse than you. Worse than me. The thought is supposed to be reassuring, but it hardly is.Firstly, the thought that other people are worse makes me feel bad because I can’t do anything for them and they probably don’t deserve it. Who deserves such bad in their life after all? Second, the other thought that I’m just sitting here doing absolutely nothing makes me feel even worse. If there’s something wrong, something bad, I should be trying to do something about it right? So why am I not? Why am I letting the past discourage me once again? Why are all these excuses popping up in my head? Why am I allowing everything to distract me from what I should be wanting to do and what I really should be doing? So what, if in the past, things haven’t worked out exactly how I’ve wanted them to? Atleast they’ve been not totally hopeless right? At least they’ve been somewhat good because I put some effort- something into it. At least things weren’t, and haven’t been completely utterly and totally useless. It’s because I tried. I fought. I didn’t back down.

Why am I here anyways? Being the way I am now. This isn’t me. What happened to all that willpower? So what if the motivation left. What happened to all that spirit and that fighting power? Was it that weak? Internally, I refuse to believe that because then this wouldn’t be me. What happened to all that stubborn-ness. That hard hearted-ness. It doesn’t just disappear like this. How could I let it all go to waste. It’s been more than four years. You don’t let stuff like that just disappear. All this, sitting around, moping or even complaining. It doesn’t suit me at all, so has it become a part of me already? Is it too late to eradicate it from within myself? I’m not a person like that. I don’t want to become a person like that. so why am I getting spoiled and allowing myself to get like that? Just staring at the walls, the laptop screen and not letting anyone or anything affect me. Being totally indifferent to all. That’s not like me at all. What has happened? Whatever it is, I dont like it at all.

I’ve gotta roll back to the beginning. Roll back to how things were. Whether it be reserved or not, I don’t care about them but I gotta care about it.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

A Not-So Small, Yet Small Gap

It's like no matter how much the attempt, you can't get the feeling out from your mind and heart. No matter how much you try to divert your attention away from those thoughts, they keep creeping back onto your mind. Just a weekend was enough for the gist of the feeling to spark- imagine if the separation goes on for weeks and years.. to the extent that it's face would be blurry in my memory- to the extent that I would have lost a friend without even the realization moment hitting me. Was it a friendship in the first place or a relationship of convenience- the question strikes once again. Was it possible for one person to deceive the entire batch into thinking that they were best friends, or even more? Perhaps so, or maybe people just saw the surface of it all. Not what was under those layers, beneath the broken smiles and lifeless eyes.