Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Conflict of the 'Dreaded' Day

'Tomorrow', I'll no longer be a teenager. I'm going to be turning 20. Not overtly young, like some teenage girl but an age still youthful and not at all jaded. However, I'll no longer be able to use the excuse of 'being a teenager' anymore. I'll no longer be able to do whatever I wish without thinking about the consequences. I'll be an 'adult'- mature enough to take responsibilities for my actions, without being able to use the sentence: 'It wasn't my fault!' So, the question is: am I ready for it?

Twenty. It's the year of mixed emotions and I'm not sure whether to look forward to it, or dread it with all of my heart. Sometimes it feels like certain things are going to be expected of me as I become that age- firm decisions are going to be have to made. People are going to have to move on; infact -I'll- have to move on. Things aren't going to be the same and the premonition has been backed up by too much foreshadowing. I suppose the phrase 'growing up' will be having to be used quite a bit too. It won't be about 'wants' anymore- it'll be all about the 'needs'. 

From a young age, I constantly worried and thought about the future: that there was not enough time to think, not enough time to be- but here I am now, and it hasn't made a difference. The twenty years- or rather, the past 2-3 years have passed by in an instant. And the answer is still unknown- to all those many questions I've had in my head since childhood. The lingering thoughts and memories of 'true friendship,' late night outings and secret talks-oh, those carefree times- they all keep replaying in my mind, slapping me in the face and forced me to question whether all those things would ever occur again. There is a tiny sorrowful pain inside me because I know that I can never go back to that time where life seemed weightless- where 'we' could do whatever we wanted, wherever we wanted and whenever we wanted. 

But is it the time now, to pull myself back? Have I really been letting myself go too much? Instead of having a routine, my life has been like a stroll in the forest- having no clarity and hardly any direction. Everytime I find a certain direction, though, I end up at a dead end with nowhere to go; either that, or I find that I've ended up exactly where I started. I spend hours watching random youtube videos with my stack of book next to me, I go out extremely frequently- get yelled at the next day and still repeat it all over again. I procrastinated again this week- majorly. I barricade people who try to get too close to me. I'm stubborn as a mule. My deadlines are literally in a week.
Yeah.. And I'm not supposed to be intimidated or frightened about the thought of being an 'adult'. Totally. Still, I don't want to be daunted by the fact that things are currently changing in my life and going to keep changing. Losing touch with old friends; making new friends- getting close to some; drifting apart from others. Happy and sad; tired and weird; scared and excited; filled with mixed emotions. I'm bound to be a wreck of some sort- "a mixed bag of emotions- fear included" but I really don't want that to stop me. I don't want those 'what ifs' and '..but's to take over to such an extent that I'll be shying away from the experiences of life, no matter how unfamiliar it is. 

At the same time, I don't want to indulge myself in such a situation- put myself at risk so much that I feel trapped- as if I've fallen in a hole and can't find my way back up. Especially when I know a certain someone is so dependent on me- even if it's just a bit. Even if they're relying on someone else more, I know there's a small 'unrealized' expectation from their side in relation to me. Especially when I know that because someone else has 'messed up' so much that I'll have to stand tall and be their pillar of support- through the winds or the storms; through the sun or the rain. I just can't afford to lose myself in it, but when I'm personally undecided about the issue, I don't see how easily I'm suppose to do such a thing.

But heck- I'm almost 20, and I still don't know how to make tea, change a tire or start a fire. The only things I can probably 'make' are instant noodles and sausages. Government and politics are equivalent to latin to me(and let me tell you something: I dont know, nor understand a word of latin).I don't know how to blowdry my hair or put on mascara. I also still don't know CPR, or how to swim. And my 'skills' of networking are close to non-existent. 

So am I ready to be 20, as the original question was?

Not even CLOSE.

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

A ‘solution’ in which the solute and solvent are unknown

Jan 6th: What needs to be understood is more than what can be explained. The rush of feelings, the concoction of emotions, the continuous expressiveness: they only end in continuous inner battles in which there seems to be no winner.

The main question seems to be what I want because that itself is unclear. Or perhaps it’s clear as crystal and the obstacles to achieve my ‘wants’ are far too large, and things simply aren’t in my control- atleast to a massive limit, they aren’t. My wants aren’t completely mine, after all; they’re to be shared with an opposite party and one has to come to a middle ground or compromise about their ‘wants’ because if it’s solely not mine, how can I be so selfish?  But is it really selfish to voice out my opinions and stand up for what I ‘want’? Is it really about selfishness though: does it mean that if I don’t share my wants then I’ll be the selfless one in this relationship? Does it mean that if I compromise myself to a large extent then I’ll be the selfless one? I highly doubt it.

It’s not like I’m scared of him or of his feelings; right now I’m more apprehensive of the whole situation because of –him- itself. The feelings are rather overwhelming (still), surprisingly. However, I think I’ve managed myself quite well due to certain circumstances and hormones that have decided to overcome other emotions. I reckon it’s a good idea to be wise at this point of time though, even though ‘instinct’ and ‘wants’ don’t really come in that category, do they? Neither does spontaneity. darn it.

Today: Just because I step a toe into the sea doesn't mean you have to push me into the entire sea. I think you're forgetting here that no matter what I've been through I still haven’t learned to swim- not yet at least. Still, with your weight and pressure, you've dunked me into the sea refusing to help me further. Independence, they call it. Stubbornness, they call it. To me, it's like a gem waiting out in the open- waiting for me to grab it. Should I take the opportunity and prove it to you what it really is? Once I’m pushed to such an extent, I can’t promise that I'll return back to land- back where you are. No guarantee at all.

 It’s aggravating and irritating for you to think that way about me. It’s a fact that you’re a  degrading, judgmental character but I didn’t think you’d go this far as to disregard my status in your life just because of mistakes made by you. However, I think I know where this is going and as tempted as I am to rile up a fight, I know it’ll be a silent one- one of the most deadly ones.