Monday, April 26, 2010

Blurry Memories; Soon To Be Forgotten

Even though the post yesterday wasn’t all that cherry and all, I just felt so amazing to write once again. It was almost how good I felt when I listen to music continuously. Almost. One thing I’ve realized though is that my writing skills have been abated a lot, and I’m not over-exaggerating at all. If I compare my previous writings and such to how I write how, it’s simply pathetic, but I won’t ponder upon that too much. The reason for me to blog isn’t only to improve my writings, it’s also to splatter out the thoughts on this website- the thoughts that I haven’t a chance to confess or blurt out to anyone. It’s for those thoughts and opinions that I want to share with people and perhaps not share with some other people.

So, I confess. There are these times where I think about you. It’s a very rare time since I know that there’s no point about thinking about you anymore, but sometimes I just can’t help it. It was you that pushed me to talk to him after all. It was you that insisted that we would be the perfect couple after all. I can still remember all those things that you told me. Even though /he/ had broken your heart, you had insisted that I was the one who could understand him and who was like him. I was the one who could complete him and stand by him. Even though there were 7000 miles separating us, you said that if we actually talked to each other, something would click. And also, you had even thought of how our childish would look like. Foolishly, you had even gone so far as to check if our horoscopes matched with each other! And surprisingly? They matched. According to the stars and you, we were perfect for each other. According to reality and logic, we weren’t. Even while I talk to him now, even if it is only a couple of times here and there, I think of all the things you said and scoff. I was right and you were wrong, but guess what? I’m not disappointed because even if I get close to him, just as a friend, it’ll be enough because more than anything, I know that he needs someone genuine in his life. And what actually is sad is the fact that I know that I can’t be that one for him.

On another note, my exams are starting soon. Yeah, I should really look at my timetable once again. Right now Im putting off revision- or studying-(for the most part) because it’s quite difficult and irritating. It’s actually quite ironic in a way because each time I sit down with my books, I realize I am way behind my imaginary schedule and then I put it off even longer because I don’t know where to start from or how to dive into my textbooks and portion. And trust me, if you took Chemistry and Biology, you’d be almost in the same position where I am right now. Of course, it’s not that I don’t feel guilty about not studying and stuff. The guilt is lingering right behind me, just like a shadow and following me everywhere, but it’s the fear that’s consuming me up as a whole. Apart from that, I’ve noticed that when I’m studying, I go into this staring phase where I just keep looking at something—yes, even the wall—for a really long time. Strange thing is that I realize that I’m doing it and just don’t stop. It can be anything. From the wall, to a pencil or even a mirror. My train of thoughts start, and then don’t stop, as soon as my eyes are set on a particular object. Which is, honestly, a terrible thing cosidering the time I have till my finals.

Perfection; Being Destroyed Into Dust and Sand.

I was astonished- with eyes widen open, eyebrows being raised up and a confused expression on my face. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing. The person who I thought was oh-so-decent and actually a genuinely nice guy was actually acting that way. I understand the fact that the two are friends and everything, but it was clear on her face that she was uncomfortable with you touching her in any manner, so why did you keep trying? It wasn’t all that discreet, honest because I was able to tell and I wasn’t even trying to pay any attention to you. She had even thanked me, in a whisper, from saving her from you. I mean you know that she has a boyfriend and they’re completely and totally loyal to each other. I mean honestly, I don’t even think that you like her more than a friend, especially under the circumstances you’re under. But seriously? I mean how can you actually promise me one thing and then go the other girl and promise her the exact same thing? Obviously, that’d make me a bit worried, right? Because you making that promise to me is way more important, but you didn’t think so since you just shrugged it off.

But there was a huge burden that just got lifted off my shoulders today. It’s as if, when the room was engulfed in darkness, a spark of light was lit and it spread throughout the entire room. Realization dawned upon me, it seemed. All of that, whatever it was. The affection, the wanting, the craving, the thinking and the pondering. It was all just because I honestly cared about you to heart because I thought you were way worth my time. Because you could have actually lasted longer with me than some of my acquaintances or other friends, but it’s the same. You’re just same as the rest of them- a wolf hidden in sheep’s clothes. Except, with 2 layers of sheep skin so that nobody can really tell the difference unless they truly know all the sides of you. Perhaps I’m being overdramatic and over-exaggerating, but it was all just so different. Don’t get me wrong because I can take it very well if you joke around, fool around, play about, prance around and act stupid, but are you sure that’s all you were trying to do?

It’d actually be quite hilarious if you read this post and identified it as yourself. Infact, I think you’d be quite hurt for me thinking about you like this, but I just can’t help it. Perhaps it’s because of the mood I’m in or because of my failure of observation skills or perhaps I just misinterpreted the whole thing honestly.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Refusing To Get Caught In the Spider's Web

“I’m hoping for the best for you because you’re my friend.”
I know.

“Stop going on facebook or whatever’s distracting you.”
I understand.

“Start a little at a time and work yourself up the ladder.”
I get it.

It really does make sense and I know it, but it feels like whatever I say now seems like nothing but an excuse, but what do I do? That really is the case. I’m lazy. I hardly feel like trying anymore because when I try, nothing good comes out of it. When the moment is good and when I start having hope, things get scattered. The small bits and pieces of my memory get lost and then I’m back in square one, where I started.

So apparently now, whenever I rant or whenever I ramble—and whenever it concerns myself, it’s called whining. And apparently, whenever I think about things that don’t concern sunshine and rainbows, I’m wallowing. Uh huh. Are you serious? If you don’t want to hear me speak or ramble or rant, who’s asking you to? You can just tell me in the beginning, or cut me off and tell me the truth.

I want to write never-endingly. I want to just spill out everything and anything. The problem, now, is not that I don’t have the words to do such a thing. The thing is that I don’t know where to start. I might not even have the time to do such a thing. I just don’t know. And sometimes, I’ll admit, I don’t have the words because sometimes it’s just all so hard to express in the vocabulary that I know.

Realization dawned on me today as I was sitting in the front seat of the car. Unintentionally or intentionally, I don’t know, I’ve been avoiding that place because it’s the place where those old memories easily come seeping back into my mind. I’ve been making sure to go everywhere except that place it seems just so that I don’t have to remember him again. I’ve been avoiding listening to those slow, melodious hindi songs because they reminded me of him. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not hung up on the guy. I don’t even have a crush on him if that’s what you think because these infatuations are silly, useless little things. However, those memories are something that just tend to irritate me sometimes because in a way or two, he managed to diffuse through my not-so-permeable walls for a few months before things got a bit too concentrated and I had to throw him out. Not that he was complaining really. I know that makes me sound all bitter and such, but I didn't exactly throw him out. It's more like circumstances were such that he just had to make a temporarily exit from my life. But did I know that it was going to be temporarily? No. I almost made the same mistake when the year of 2009 started with another person, but then I caught myself after a while because I refused to do something wrong again.

Which reminds me. God. When I got that message from her, after almost a year now, I was so stumped. I refreshed the page because I didn’t believe it. Honestly. I was completely flabbergasted since I was expecting to be forgotten forever, but no. I guess not. So I did what I usually would have done and I replied back. I wonder how much she’s planning to mess around with me now. And I still miss her. What an idiot I am.
So, don’t mind it. This post was just bits and pieces from my “wonderful” mind and it doesn’t flow at all. But oh well. I did want to write more too, but then in the process of writing this much, the rest of what I wanted to write flew out of my brain, sadly.

Friday, April 02, 2010

With Eyes Sparkling, Cheeks Glowing and Blood Pressure Rising . . .

Just a little something that I wrote yesterday. It's not exactly a poem, but it's not exactly a rant. And no. It is not an April Fool's joke. Just incase you think so, from the words below. Simply something that I was 'inspired' to write, one could say.

Your eyes show me your emotions so clearly
Your voice fails to betray the emotions of your heart
I wanted to hug you. I wanted to hold you hand.
I wanted to tell you that things will be okay.
.. that I'm there for you.
i wanted to see you smile..
Is it that bad? Is it that weird..
that I really wanted to tell you that I'm there with you no matter what?
You say there might not be another one for you out there
and that your expectations are too high..
I wish you could have trusted my judgement about her
You wouldn't have had to suffer so much..
that when I see you in pain that it hurts me.
There was a prick inside of me after you admitted the truth to me..
I felt really happy about your confession but my heart went out to you..
I hope it returned.
I really do.
I really can't afford this.
I can't afford to get screwed.