Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Peace Is All That I Wanted But I All I Got Were Howling Voices And Loud Rapping At the Door

Things are easier said than done, aren’t they? But sometimes those words are strong enough to make you believe the impossible and believe even those mere lies that drip out of one’s mouth. However, those words sometimes just aren’t genuine and can put you down. Some people think that reverse psychology can bring you everything. That if I put you down, you’ll rise up. Newsflash! It doesn’t work that way- not always at least.

Sure, in the next 10 years, I might not be in touch with the same friends and I might not have the same people with me, but I know that there are these handful of people which I wouldn’t want to let go so easily. Not for the reason that I’m attached to them or anything because it’s rather hard for me to do something like that. It’s rather, because I know that with our percentage of compatibility, it’d be hard for me to find someone like that around anywhere. And the trust I have in those handful [3-4] of people- perhaps I wouldn’t share the same relationship with anyone else for a long time. However, if one of those three people thinks that there’s no point of a friendship and they’re only going to be there temporarily, why should I even bother? Isn’t that like them telling me that they’re only indirectly using me? Why do such a pathetic thing? Why even bother thinking so far in the future? If you and me were meant to carry on our bond and if we try at it- why think that it’s going to end so early? Heck, why think about it ending at all? Thinking about the future is perfectly fine, but to such an extent? Why must we all be so obsessed with it- trying to analyze and find out about every speck of it?

So, I wanted to become a psychologist. Or become a psychiatrist. How this dawned upon me? Besides the fact that I’m extremely fascinated with the human kind, it was probably because of all the mess and confusion and questions that people and my mind has been bringing me. Now see, I can listen to someone, I can advice them and I can be patient with them. Whether it’s a small problem or whether it’s a large one, I can probably help a person out. And even if I can’t, I’ll make myself to help them out. I don’t exactly follow the same style as others- as in just preaching pointlessly or preaching in such an idealistic way of which the real world would scoff at, but I know the difference between the right and wrong of the universe and my own right and wrong. A psychiatrist? Well, I realize that many people have problems in such where it just can’t be cured instantly or with words. What they need is more than just consultancy, they need to be medicated. However, many people call these psychiatrist the lunatic doctors, which is- partially true. Yet, it seems like my decision isn’t exactly supported. I mean how did it go from intensive medicine to doctor to this after all. It isn’t supported- not by my parents because they’re fine with it- for the most part. It’s something else. So, I realize that, but now what? I can’t just run after it. There’s a barrier blocking me. A huge one. And the longer I wait, the more the barrier is growing.

Ah, life used to be much easier once one just goes along with it and decides to flow along with the rest of the fishes in the world. But then, once I started trying to figure things out and piecing things together—once I started trying to connect each piece together to make one giant puzzle, things started becoming insane. Ah, the happiness of being oblivious. The bliss of not knowing. The bliss of not caring and just being so free. The happiness of just going with it. The happiness of not bothering with things or concerning yourself with others. But now, it’s all gone. Things have changed. It’s not fun anymore. If only my mind was in the right place- if only it wasn’t all over the place. They’re all so selfish, so utterly selfish and stupid. I should have guessed before shouldn’t I have? I tried to stay on the bright side though- having some hope in this thing people call humanity, but where it is nowadays? Only within those handful of people that contribute to the population. I’ve seen them though and somehow, I can’t help but keep this hope within me.

I can’t help but wonder a few things. Was it really a miracle? How can they- or even you say it was when you worked so hard towards it? Don’t say you didn’t. I saw your sagging face everyday. I heard your gloomy voice on the phone. I knew you were sleep deprived for months. I could see the bags below your eyes, the weak smile that could hardly be conjured by you and that took so much energy to bring about. I wonder if he has really changed for the good or it’s just a cover up. I wonder if he really learned his lesson from being away and being mentally tortured for those 58 days. I wonder how long it’s going to take for the truth to be shown. For the curtains to finally come up and for everything to be revealed.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

♦The Echo Of The Vapid Sea Reflects Back Who I am♦

Nothingness would be the best way to describe it. No feelings, no emotions and no thoughts. Nothing of the outside world seems to affect you as you’re nothing but a shell. You put on a fake smile and nod for a bit for the sake of the others, but they don’t know what’s going on with you in reality. The many thoughts occupying your mind have become so entwined and jumbled up with each other that you can hardly tell them apart. The more you think about it, the more your head starts throbbing from pain because you can’t comprehend things anymore. Everything just seems to be so blank to you, but you have no choice but to follow through and keep up this act for the sake of seeming sane. People and events are all blurry- none to remember or interact with, as nowadays even a small greeting is enough to satisfy them for a year or so. Everything is passing by you, so fast-paced, and nothing and nobody is waiting for you and no matter how much you extend your arm, you can’t seem to catch them. That’s when you realize that you’re left behind and all alone, but you can’t even feel that loneliness anymore. You’re just a shell- nothing more. A hollow shell who’s just living for the sake of contributing to the population of six point something billion people in the world. The sparkle in those onyx eyes have vanished months ago and are completely lifeless now, but it’s unnoticed by them all as mankind is always so concerned about himself and nobody else. Eyelids start feeling heavier as you count to three, but nothing has changed because it’s all still about me. This blank feeling of nothingness- how you wish it could turn into something else because sooner or later, it’s going to start engulfing you as a whole, like how the snake does to its prey, without any choice.

So I did realize that this post was extremely short, nor of any importance to anyone of course, but I just felt like writing it. Why? Just because I could and that's why I did. Sure, it might be more gloomy or morbid compared to what you all are used to in my blog, but no harm in temporary change.