Sunday, September 01, 2013

In your dream I saved you, but in reality am I a monster?

SO it's been a while. Again. I'm not too good at this, it seems. But since I'm here, why not just spill what's been on my mind lately. 

Many things have been going on in my head lately. Some good, some bad. But who’s to judge what exactly is good and what exactly is bad? Is what pricks at your conscious bad, or is it what society looks down on that’s actually bad? But I suppose either way, I wouldn’t really consider my thoughts filled with cotton candy, flowers and rainbows. Although I’d love some cotton candy right now- regardless of the fact that it’s five in the morning and I’m deprived of sleep. So this might be a bit of a ramble. Then again, when’s it not?
How strong can your faith and confidence be in someone else- rather than yourself? It’s a question that’s been lingering in my head for a bit but I’m not sure whether I’m ready to test it out. Though honestly I think I have faith in a few others more than myself. But by going through with this. Any of this. Would I be stretching the rubber band too much that it would snap, just because of me? I’m left to wonder.

What if all the scenarios don’t play out the way they are set in my head? What if things change, feelings change, the situation changes and I can’t control things anymore. Regardless of how much I can go with the flow and do like when others take control—if things don’t work in my favor this time, will I be in complete loss? Will I be isolated, left alone and completely disheveled? Maybe I will. But is that all I have to worry about? Is any of this worth the risk?  I’m left to wonder.

Life without risks is pretty bland isn’t it? It makes me think: if you have a person who’s good, loving, caring, sweet and genuine in your life—why would you take a risk on that. Would you take a risk on that? What if the emotion of happiness is lacking? Then perhaps you would take that risk. But what if you weren’t sure about what the lack was. What if you were just suddenly dissatisfied with everything around you and he was a part of it. What if you think you need a change? But you’re still not sure. Then would you take the leap and risk the person at stake? Or everything at stake? Perhaps not so much. But what if it’s worth it? What if there’s a satisfaction at the end of it? On the other hand, what if there’s just pain at the end of it- for everyone. Then what? I still wonder.

So yep. It’s a situation. Some might think it’s stupid to ponder so much and would recommend to just ‘go with the flow’ or just ‘ignore the others’ but it’s not that simple because I care about the others as a friend. If the others were just acquaintances or strangers, their feelings would not be taken into consideration so much but because they are close friends it does matter to me. Every bit of it, especially their emotions towards me- it’s not so easy to shove them away or stomp on them. Then again, I also wouldn’t want to completely shatter the one who cares about me the most  because I do have that capability. And that’s why for now, I just keep on wondering.