Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Look for the girl with the broken smile. .. .

Hey lovlies

I haven't updated in forever, it's something that I'm guilty of and it's because I haven't had time. Yes, believe it or not, I- Richa- have not had time to blog on this website (or any website, for that matter) Actually, before I came to India I thought that I had knowledge of many things and why was that? Because when I looked and compared the way people and I were in Dubai, I felt like I knew a bit more about the outside world than they did. Life proved me wrong- and not for the first time either- and the longer I stay in India, the more I realize that I actually have much to learn about life and people. It hurts and I feel so stupid and useless sometimes, but what am I suppose to do when I'm labeled something with a permanent marker? The label is not planning to come out any time soon, according to them at least. Sometimes, I just feel like writing down everything that goes through my mind as I find that it would be a pretty good idea, but whenever I start, it seems to be simply never ending. I suppose that's because I have too many thoughts running through my head. Not to mention, a few minutes after I usually start writing, a thought comes through my head and the thought is 'What's the point of doing this anyways?' After all, they're just childish, pointless thoughts, right? Perhaps not, but we'll never know I suppose. And sometimes I just feel like spilling everything out to one person, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. Ha. 'Never' is more like it.

Okay, okay. So I fully admit that the 32 or so days I've been in India, I've barely enjoyed myself. Perhaps only 3 or 4 of those 32 days have been enjoyable, but it's only because of a mistake that a certain person did in the past. Because of that certain person, my summer vacation- which I remind you, I'll never get back- is being wasted. It's alright though I suppose because I've learned something- quite a few things actually. Ha, my poor innocence. It’s fading away as the days pass by. Sorry to disappoint y'all folks! Joking. But really. The world is officially corrupted. Everyone. Every single person in this universe is money minded and if they say they're not, they're in denial or they're lying. It's as simple as that. Also, everyone has a reason for doing the thing they do. They don't just 'do it' or do it out of love or genuinely- honestly, they don't.

I also realized that I'm a complete idiot. A total idiot. But that's a story for later. Or perhaps not? Mm, we'll see. I simply find it hard to believe that my feelings. My feelings were manipulated and taking advantage of. See? That's why I say- this love and mushy stuff, this caring for each other- it's all fake or nonexistent. With all the things I've seen,well, I'm not sure how to actually believe in them, can you blame me? And god. Good lord. Just because my feelings were taken advantage of, my life is almost totally officially messed up. And it's true- no matter what anyone says. Even if they tell me to study harder or something to that extent, it's hard to believe that the results will be changed because, perhaps, that certain person will ruin everything again. Apparently, feelings are a weakness. A big weakness. But I knew that of course. I simply didn't think that someone close to me- or someone who was suppose to be so close to me- would do something like that and literally lead me to my 'doom'(then again, this word is so over-rated, so perhaps I should put something along the lines of 'the fiery pits of..' Ha. )

And then..I had another thought, like I always do. Why should I change myself for another person? Why, of course I shouldn't. That would be the simple answer, but when you're in such a situation that I was and still am in- it isn't exactly that simple. Ha, the irony- really. More on this later as my thoughts are jumbled up due to a movie that we watched a few hours back. I should write about the movie too, but as it's 4 in the morning, I think I'll pass.

Note: This entry was made on August the 2nd, but as I had no internet, I was not able to post this up. A more updated entry shall be written when I have more time.


poisonedapple08 said...

Hey Cha,
I was really worried after I finished reading your post, because I care for you and I hope that everything will be fine soon. If you want, you can tell me whatever is wrong and I'll try to help you out as best as I can.
See, I know life gets us all down, but it doesn't mean that our feelings are weaknesses, no! They are just human emotions that you cannot stop from feeling, and no matter how much you ignore it, you know quite well that deep down, you still feel them, and they are stored in your subconscious. You're a human and it's normal to feel. Do not stop yourself from feeling all the emotions in life. Life is too short to pass out on things, be they good or bad. You have to learn, experience it to really mature as a person and to learn for the future. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
Hope you're all good now. I miss you <3

Richa said...

-grins- Yeaah. =P I'm honored- I didn't think you'd be reading my blog as soon as I posted it. Naah. It's all cool; that was a while ago(like I mentioned in the post) Now things are just..-laughs- Forget it. It's all cool, really. Annnd I know that I can tell you anything because you are that awesome.
Ah emotions, emotions. I truly do agree with you on all that, but I can't help but wonder if sometimes, if I just stopped on 'em..if everything would just be better..

poisonedapple08 said...

Are you kidding me? I visit your blog everyday -almost- to check for updates. It's good to know your thoughts, you know.
Anyway, it really wouldn't be better, trust me. Because if you become so used to always -not feeling-, there will be a time when you'll become numb inside. You won't be able to feel even happiness, and even if true happiness touches you, you'll never know what it feels like. Now that iwll be really sad, don't you think? And frustrating too. Trust me, I know this from experience. It's not a good feeling.
Are you back in Dubai?

Richa said...

-laughs- Thanks, thanks.
Have you ever felt nothing before? Like when everyone around you is happy or sad and you're just emotionless? -shudders- It feels strange, I tell you. I suppose it might be frustrating, but if you don't know what you're missing out, how could it be?
Aw..No, but you're not an emotionless person. No matter what you say and think, you have feelings and meotions and everything...even if it's fake or whatever, I still believe there's a bit of it that's real.
Noope. I'm not in Dubai yet. I'm going to be back..on the 28th(or was it the 29th?) By the way, what date does our school start? I'm in deepppp trouble, school wise. -groans-

poisonedapple08 said...

See, this is where I'm bad at explaining. I have felt happiness, and emotions before, but to a certain extent, atleast for the happiness, (because it's kind of alien to you) you don't feel it that much. Negative emotions are constant, and your brain is familiar with it. So it's much easier to feel them even though you're numb. And yes you're right, you do feel emotions and feelings, even if you're numb. But to a certain extent. It's hard to explain how the human mind works you know, it's all so unpredictable. One moment you're feeling, and the other moment, you're just like, NOT, y'know?