Gotta Bounce and Make Sure the Echoes are Heard Everywhere

Warning: Yes. It is a mindless rant. Majority of you might not understand it or care due to its error and content. Deal with it. Or just skip the post- even better, no?

There are so many people in the world. Worse than you. Worse than me. The thought is supposed to be reassuring, but it hardly is.Firstly, the thought that other people are worse makes me feel bad because I can’t do anything for them and they probably don’t deserve it. Who deserves such bad in their life after all? Second, the other thought that I’m just sitting here doing absolutely nothing makes me feel even worse. If there’s something wrong, something bad, I should be trying to do something about it right? So why am I not? Why am I letting the past discourage me once again? Why are all these excuses popping up in my head? Why am I allowing everything to distract me from what I should be wanting to do and what I really should be doing? So what, if in the past, things haven’t worked out exactly how I’ve wanted them to? Atleast they’ve been not totally hopeless right? At least they’ve been somewhat good because I put some effort- something into it. At least things weren’t, and haven’t been completely utterly and totally useless. It’s because I tried. I fought. I didn’t back down.

Why am I here anyways? Being the way I am now. This isn’t me. What happened to all that willpower? So what if the motivation left. What happened to all that spirit and that fighting power? Was it that weak? Internally, I refuse to believe that because then this wouldn’t be me. What happened to all that stubborn-ness. That hard hearted-ness. It doesn’t just disappear like this. How could I let it all go to waste. It’s been more than four years. You don’t let stuff like that just disappear. All this, sitting around, moping or even complaining. It doesn’t suit me at all, so has it become a part of me already? Is it too late to eradicate it from within myself? I’m not a person like that. I don’t want to become a person like that. so why am I getting spoiled and allowing myself to get like that? Just staring at the walls, the laptop screen and not letting anyone or anything affect me. Being totally indifferent to all. That’s not like me at all. What has happened? Whatever it is, I dont like it at all.

I’ve gotta roll back to the beginning. Roll back to how things were. Whether it be reserved or not, I don’t care about them but I gotta care about it.

Because it’s not just all about you

So I disliked my last blog post, a lot. It just didn’t seem to personify me at all- like how my blog posts usually tend to. That fact irritated me to such an extent that I was even tempted to delete my last post, but I forced myself not to do such a thing. For now at least.

School hasn’t been the greatest experience in the world, but I’m learning how to deal with it. It’s hard to believe that just in 2.5 months of not seeing some people, they’ve changed so much. And not all that change is exactly good. Some people have become more distant, others more selfish. Some so caught up in their world of ‘popularity’, seeming to prioritize socializing and popularity over their real friends. It’s sad actually. Very sad. Confronting those people or questioning those people would have been quite a good idea, I thought at first, but then should I really be the one to tell them so? Should people, at the age of 18, be so oblivious to the fact that they’re changing in a negative way or drifting away or being absolutely stupid? And also, who am I to point out everything to them- about what happened to them, their change, the different personality that I’m now seeing in them? Sure, I’m supposed to be his/her good/close friend, but to pinpoint so much just seems to be rather selfish and a bit too reprimanding. Hello—try to grow up and not be so oblivious in your own little, fake happy world which you’re trying to make seem so flawless and filled with absolute joy.

I’m not saying that I’m completely the same of how I was 3 months ago because things have happened this summer to change parts of my viewpoints and my mindset. But to say that I’ve undergone a huge change- especially a totally bad one is a wrong statement. People usually deny when they’re accused of something or when their negative points are pointed out but I wouldn’t do such a thing—much. I understand that it’s human nature to do so because who wants to hear their faults and flaws spoken aloud? But still, I personally find it impractical to deny such a thing when that’s what I actually am or when it really is my fault.

So change is inevitable- it’s something that happens whether we like it or not, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t mould it in a way which would be positive for us and our live. Of course we can do that. The only difference is that some people are too thick to notice that things around them are changing and they’re changing—and I’m not talking about a positive change either. And sometimes, it can get quite irritating and yet we’re forced to put up with those people or situations. How sad.

Never Back Down Because The Hurdles Are Higher Than Your Physical Height- They're Never Too High For Your Internal Strength.

Hey guys. So, I’ve been kinda stuck in my head lately. And it’s not always that fun. And it’s getting insane. I’ve pretty much been consumed by the internet, for the past 3 months. I feel like I’m just losing time- have no idea how time’s going by like this. In June, I had preoccupied myself with going out as much as I could. In a way, I was escaping everything that I shouldn’t have escaped, but it was alright because it was satisfactory. And I don’t regret it. In July, I toned down my outings and tried to be with my family more, but I didn’t spend at much time in my thoughts like I should have. But anyhoo- that’s beside the point. I wanted to blog today considering it’s been a while. So here I am now.

So. I try to avoid sleeping. Perhaps it’s because it’s a habit or maybe it’s because I think that if I sleep, I’ll be wasting my summer vacation. I mean otherwise I could be watching another episode of a series, chatting with a friend, reading a book—doing something. However, sleep is necessary. What I’ve realized though, is that I love sleeping, but going to sleep is something that’s definitely not on my list of ‘happiest things to do’—not that there is a genuine list in the first place.

Raksha Bandhan is tomorrow. For those who don’t know what is it, it’s a hindu festival which basically celebrates the relationship between brothers and sisters. The festival is marked by a sister tying a holy thread called a rakhi, to the brother’s wrist. The brother, in return, offers his sister money or a gift and says that he’ll protect her and all (whatever he wants to really). And the sister gives the brother sweets—mainly methai(which are Indian sweets). And he feeds her some too, traditionally. So the thing is that we celebrate it every year and all, so it’s usually pretty cool, but the thing is that I’m slightly more excited for it this year because it’ll be the first year in plenty that both my brothers will be here with me. Granted, my older brother shall only be there till the afternoon as he has other things to attend to, but his presence—for a few hours even—is satisfactory enough for me.

So I was thinking this a few days ago- like 1-2 days ago actually, considering I went to Diyafah for admission and things didn’t work out there. Considering the grades I got in my AS level examinations (which would have made an extremely depressing blog post) I’m not all too sure whether I’ll get admission into my current school . Now see, I would like admission into my current school because life would be more convenient for me. Granted, my teachers would be all disappointed at me, but that’s a different story. So what if I don’t get admission into my current school. Then what? Obviously, my life shaln’t be over. I could do all my subjects privately (although it would be quite demotivating and enhance my laziness) or I could take up a fulltime job for one year somewhere and earn some money. Both options seem to be more tempting than just rotting at home, don’t they? Of course they do because I’ll actually be somewhat productive if I chose to do any of those. So, yes, my life won’t be over.. But I’d still prefer if I got admission in my other school.

So yeah, that’s it for today basically. I did have plenty to write about considering I hadn’t updated in like quite a while, but because of the time, I think I shall continue on another time. After all, I'm supposed to wake up early tomorrow so that I could have a head start on things.

Perfection; Being Destroyed Into Dust and Sand.

I was astonished- with eyes widen open, eyebrows being raised up and a confused expression on my face. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing. The person who I thought was oh-so-decent and actually a genuinely nice guy was actually acting that way. I understand the fact that the two are friends and everything, but it was clear on her face that she was uncomfortable with you touching her in any manner, so why did you keep trying? It wasn’t all that discreet, honest because I was able to tell and I wasn’t even trying to pay any attention to you. She had even thanked me, in a whisper, from saving her from you. I mean you know that she has a boyfriend and they’re completely and totally loyal to each other. I mean honestly, I don’t even think that you like her more than a friend, especially under the circumstances you’re under. But seriously? I mean how can you actually promise me one thing and then go the other girl and promise her the exact same thing? Obviously, that’d make me a bit worried, right? Because you making that promise to me is way more important, but you didn’t think so since you just shrugged it off.

But there was a huge burden that just got lifted off my shoulders today. It’s as if, when the room was engulfed in darkness, a spark of light was lit and it spread throughout the entire room. Realization dawned upon me, it seemed. All of that, whatever it was. The affection, the wanting, the craving, the thinking and the pondering. It was all just because I honestly cared about you to heart because I thought you were way worth my time. Because you could have actually lasted longer with me than some of my acquaintances or other friends, but it’s the same. You’re just same as the rest of them- a wolf hidden in sheep’s clothes. Except, with 2 layers of sheep skin so that nobody can really tell the difference unless they truly know all the sides of you. Perhaps I’m being overdramatic and over-exaggerating, but it was all just so different. Don’t get me wrong because I can take it very well if you joke around, fool around, play about, prance around and act stupid, but are you sure that’s all you were trying to do?

It’d actually be quite hilarious if you read this post and identified it as yourself. Infact, I think you’d be quite hurt for me thinking about you like this, but I just can’t help it. Perhaps it’s because of the mood I’m in or because of my failure of observation skills or perhaps I just misinterpreted the whole thing honestly.

Refusing To Get Caught In the Spider's Web

“I’m hoping for the best for you because you’re my friend.”
I know.

“Stop going on facebook or whatever’s distracting you.”
I understand.

“Start a little at a time and work yourself up the ladder.”
I get it.

It really does make sense and I know it, but it feels like whatever I say now seems like nothing but an excuse, but what do I do? That really is the case. I’m lazy. I hardly feel like trying anymore because when I try, nothing good comes out of it. When the moment is good and when I start having hope, things get scattered. The small bits and pieces of my memory get lost and then I’m back in square one, where I started.

So apparently now, whenever I rant or whenever I ramble—and whenever it concerns myself, it’s called whining. And apparently, whenever I think about things that don’t concern sunshine and rainbows, I’m wallowing. Uh huh. Are you serious? If you don’t want to hear me speak or ramble or rant, who’s asking you to? You can just tell me in the beginning, or cut me off and tell me the truth.

I want to write never-endingly. I want to just spill out everything and anything. The problem, now, is not that I don’t have the words to do such a thing. The thing is that I don’t know where to start. I might not even have the time to do such a thing. I just don’t know. And sometimes, I’ll admit, I don’t have the words because sometimes it’s just all so hard to express in the vocabulary that I know.

Realization dawned on me today as I was sitting in the front seat of the car. Unintentionally or intentionally, I don’t know, I’ve been avoiding that place because it’s the place where those old memories easily come seeping back into my mind. I’ve been making sure to go everywhere except that place it seems just so that I don’t have to remember him again. I’ve been avoiding listening to those slow, melodious hindi songs because they reminded me of him. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not hung up on the guy. I don’t even have a crush on him if that’s what you think because these infatuations are silly, useless little things. However, those memories are something that just tend to irritate me sometimes because in a way or two, he managed to diffuse through my not-so-permeable walls for a few months before things got a bit too concentrated and I had to throw him out. Not that he was complaining really. I know that makes me sound all bitter and such, but I didn't exactly throw him out. It's more like circumstances were such that he just had to make a temporarily exit from my life. But did I know that it was going to be temporarily? No. I almost made the same mistake when the year of 2009 started with another person, but then I caught myself after a while because I refused to do something wrong again.

Which reminds me. God. When I got that message from her, after almost a year now, I was so stumped. I refreshed the page because I didn’t believe it. Honestly. I was completely flabbergasted since I was expecting to be forgotten forever, but no. I guess not. So I did what I usually would have done and I replied back. I wonder how much she’s planning to mess around with me now. And I still miss her. What an idiot I am.

So, don’t mind it. This post was just bits and pieces from my “wonderful” mind and it doesn’t flow at all. But oh well. I did want to write more too, but then in the process of writing this much, the rest of what I wanted to write flew out of my brain, sadly.

Snap the Elastic Limit, Crack those Straightforward Emotions and Shatter the Ideal Image

You know what? It wasn’t even worth it. It was just wastage of my emotions and time. I know it was meant to just keep me preoccupied so that my mind wouldn’t float to unnecessary things that would be sure to bring me down. However, they simply succeeded in raising my blood pressure, frustration and irritation. Today was just like a “FML” day. Seriously. From the moment I touched the school grounds (no exaggeration here, folks) till the moment that I heard the bell for the sixth period to begin. Nothing was going right; nothing at all. So now what? I was trying; trying to hard to not let things get to me, but it was just so difficult.

Excuse me, but just because you’re jobless and stupid doesn’t give you the right to blabber whatever you want. Just because I have manners and am taught to be nice to everyone doesn’t mean I am to put up with whatever you throw at me. Nuh uh. I learned my lesson, thank you very much. No matter the physical or verbal abuses, you won’t learn your lesson. I forgot; you don’t know the meaning of manners and sense in the first place and, you know what? I refuse to teach you such a thing. Heck, the energy that I wasted on you could have been used for something more productive instead and I almost regret even bothering with you. Sometimes, it is quite the disadvantage-concentrating on the good points of a person, that is. Why? Because in the end, they turned out to be nothing but obnoxious jerks; both of them.

I am busy; things are going absolutely haywire over here, but that’s no excuse for me to stoop down to their level and I absolutely refuse to do such a thing. Especially since I know for a fact that I’m better than them. Just because their ideal person might be skinny like a stick, intelligent like Einstein or tall as a tower-it doesn’t mean I have to be upto that standards because my own standards are way beyond them and I cross them fine. Thank you very much.

So, you know what? Forget you. I don’t really care anymore. I have my own little square and I’m satisfied with it. I’m sick of giving chances to people like you because I know what will happen in the end. You just want a reaction, don’t you? I’ll give you one. Just watch, you lot of imbeciles.I'll do just the opposite. You want a reaction. I'll give you an action. You want me to care? Well, newsflash! I don't and never will.

Attitude determines altitude, so screw you :]

‘ey! Hey, Hey Shawty! It's Your Birthday!

Yes, you heard it right. No, not that I'm /short/ or anything. But rather that it’s my birthday! Sure, it’s almost over (it being 11:35pm and all), but that won’t change the fact that I’m officially seventeen now. Yep, the one and the seven being smashed together to make a two-digit number. Of course it doesn’t feel any different, but it usually doesn’t feel any different. However, I know that I’m to supposedly be more responsible and mature now. After all, the more of those 365 days you live, the more things are placed on your shoulder, but it’s okay because life goes on. It’s another sign that you’re growing up and that things are changing.

I know things are changing. I look back at the events that took place 365 days ago and can’t help but smile. It was so different back then. All girls together. Most of them knowing about the day. Loud singing. Distribution of chocolate. Organization. Surprises. Unexpected calls. However, this year was different: disorganized, yet quite fun. Hardly any few, but it was okay. I’d rather have those genuine few than the whole horde of fake ones. I don’t need them. Expectations not being met up. Things that weren’t being expected happened. Food- junk food. Lots of it was included today. It was eventful- at school at least.
So I was supposed to paste up those two paragraphs you see above on my birthday itself, but I didn’t exactly get a chance to. Now, I start this third pargraph on the actual date it posts here- January 29th(At least that’s what it is where I live). As you would have guessed, January has been an extremely eventful month for me. To be honest, this year itself has been flying way too fast. Many people keep emphasizing on the fact that they can’t wait until July and until they graduate from their school and get to university. For some reason, I can’t agree with most of the crowd when it comes to something like this. Perhaps it’s because of the indecisiveness of majors or universities. Or maybe it’s just because I want to cling onto these memories and times and not let them go so quickly, but it’s not like I really have a choice now do I? Time waits for nobody; not you or me.

So my new year’s “resolution” of posting a blog entry every week didn’t work out, but it’s alright. It just seems like I haven’t had any time to gather all of my thoughts as a whole anyways. Honestly. My thoughts and mind feels like it’s scattered here, there and everywhere I can think of. A brief of what’s going on there just at this very moment- at almost 2 in the morning. Universities. Marketing. AIDA. Majors. Phone call. Random tune. Writing. School. Chemistry. Product. Stage. Members. Useless people. Unpunctual people. Middlesex university. India. Work. Tuitions. Catching up. Throwball. Starting to study. Religion. Sleep. Energy drink.
Yeah, but of course- those are only the things at the top of my head. If I want to think even deeper into what’s actually lurking inside my mind- I’ll go mad or get a headache; I want to stay away from such a thing at the moment.

So, I am going to face them. I’m going to face it. I can do it. Why in the world not? First part, it’s on a stage. Plus, it’s been ages since I tried and the fear is just within my mind anyways. Just count to ten in my mind and breathe; I’m sure I can do it. As for the second part, I can tolerate them because they’re humans too. Just because I have more preference over one kind than the rest does not mean that I hate the other kind. Because I don’t. That’s just lame and it puts me in the same category as these other stupid people- of where I refuse to be. Third part is probably the hardest [as it has to do with my /life/] and I’ve been procrastinating on this for exactly a month and one day now. I just don’t know how to put it into words when I pick up the phone and hear /his/ voice. What am I supposed to say? What if he starts accusing me? What if my tiny hopes get shattered too? As it is, I’m keeping them as low as I can because of what I was told yesterday. Keep your opinions, eh? I’m not blind, nor stupid. Just because one person doesn’t confront me doesn’t mean the other person won’t. This isn’t school, hon. This is reality. Forget the hopes too; it’s okay. It’ll happen. It will work. I will talk. I will see. I will make the decision. I will figure it out. I will sort things out. And right now, that's more important than anything. Almost anything, that is.

Because I’m me.

If I can’t do it for me. Who will?

Peace Is All That I Wanted But I All I Got Were Howling Voices And Loud Rapping At the Door

Things are easier said than done, aren’t they? But sometimes those words are strong enough to make you believe the impossible and believe even those mere lies that drip out of one’s mouth. However, those words sometimes just aren’t genuine and can put you down. Some people think that reverse psychology can bring you everything. That if I put you down, you’ll rise up. Newsflash! It doesn’t work that way- not always at least.

Sure, in the next 10 years, I might not be in touch with the same friends and I might not have the same people with me, but I know that there are these handful of people which I wouldn’t want to let go so easily. Not for the reason that I’m attached to them or anything because it’s rather hard for me to do something like that. It’s rather, because I know that with our percentage of compatibility, it’d be hard for me to find someone like that around anywhere. And the trust I have in those handful [3-4] of people- perhaps I wouldn’t share the same relationship with anyone else for a long time. However, if one of those three people thinks that there’s no point of a friendship and they’re only going to be there temporarily, why should I even bother? Isn’t that like them telling me that they’re only indirectly using me? Why do such a pathetic thing? Why even bother thinking so far in the future? If you and me were meant to carry on our bond and if we try at it- why think that it’s going to end so early? Heck, why think about it ending at all? Thinking about the future is perfectly fine, but to such an extent? Why must we all be so obsessed with it- trying to analyze and find out about every speck of it?

So, I wanted to become a psychologist. Or become a psychiatrist. How this dawned upon me? Besides the fact that I’m extremely fascinated with the human kind, it was probably because of all the mess and confusion and questions that people and my mind has been bringing me. Now see, I can listen to someone, I can advice them and I can be patient with them. Whether it’s a small problem or whether it’s a large one, I can probably help a person out. And even if I can’t, I’ll make myself to help them out. I don’t exactly follow the same style as others- as in just preaching pointlessly or preaching in such an idealistic way of which the real world would scoff at, but I know the difference between the right and wrong of the universe and my own right and wrong. A psychiatrist? Well, I realize that many people have problems in such where it just can’t be cured instantly or with words. What they need is more than just consultancy, they need to be medicated. However, many people call these psychiatrist the lunatic doctors, which is- partially true. Yet, it seems like my decision isn’t exactly supported. I mean how did it go from intensive medicine to doctor to this after all. It isn’t supported- not by my parents because they’re fine with it- for the most part. It’s something else. So, I realize that, but now what? I can’t just run after it. There’s a barrier blocking me. A huge one. And the longer I wait, the more the barrier is growing.

Ah, life used to be much easier once one just goes along with it and decides to flow along with the rest of the fishes in the world. But then, once I started trying to figure things out and piecing things together—once I started trying to connect each piece together to make one giant puzzle, things started becoming insane. Ah, the happiness of being oblivious. The bliss of not knowing. The bliss of not caring and just being so free. The happiness of just going with it. The happiness of not bothering with things or concerning yourself with others. But now, it’s all gone. Things have changed. It’s not fun anymore. If only my mind was in the right place- if only it wasn’t all over the place. They’re all so selfish, so utterly selfish and stupid. I should have guessed before shouldn’t I have? I tried to stay on the bright side though- having some hope in this thing people call humanity, but where it is nowadays? Only within those handful of people that contribute to the population. I’ve seen them though and somehow, I can’t help but keep this hope within me.

I can’t help but wonder a few things. Was it really a miracle? How can they- or even you say it was when you worked so hard towards it? Don’t say you didn’t. I saw your sagging face everyday. I heard your gloomy voice on the phone. I knew you were sleep deprived for months. I could see the bags below your eyes, the weak smile that could hardly be conjured by you and that took so much energy to bring about. I wonder if he has really changed for the good or it’s just a cover up. I wonder if he really learned his lesson from being away and being mentally tortured for those 58 days. I wonder how long it’s going to take for the truth to be shown. For the curtains to finally come up and for everything to be revealed.

♦The Echo Of The Vapid Sea Reflects Back Who I am♦

Nothingness would be the best way to describe it. No feelings, no emotions and no thoughts. Nothing of the outside world seems to affect you as you’re nothing but a shell. You put on a fake smile and nod for a bit for the sake of the others, but they don’t know what’s going on with you in reality. The many thoughts occupying your mind have become so entwined and jumbled up with each other that you can hardly tell them apart. The more you think about it, the more your head starts throbbing from pain because you can’t comprehend things anymore. Everything just seems to be so blank to you, but you have no choice but to follow through and keep up this act for the sake of seeming sane. People and events are all blurry- none to remember or interact with, as nowadays even a small greeting is enough to satisfy them for a year or so. Everything is passing by you, so fast-paced, and nothing and nobody is waiting for you and no matter how much you extend your arm, you can’t seem to catch them. That’s when you realize that you’re left behind and all alone, but you can’t even feel that loneliness anymore. You’re just a shell- nothing more. A hollow shell who’s just living for the sake of contributing to the population of six point something billion people in the world. The sparkle in those onyx eyes have vanished months ago and are completely lifeless now, but it’s unnoticed by them all as mankind is always so concerned about himself and nobody else. Eyelids start feeling heavier as you count to three, but nothing has changed because it’s all still about me. This blank feeling of nothingness- how you wish it could turn into something else because sooner or later, it’s going to start engulfing you as a whole, like how the snake does to its prey, without any choice.

So I did realize that this post was extremely short, nor of any importance to anyone of course, but I just felt like writing it. Why? Just because I could and that's why I did. Sure, it might be more gloomy or morbid compared to what you all are used to in my blog, but no harm in temporary change.

Breaking Through The Wall; Only Succeeding In More Confusion

So here I am once again writing this entry. It’s probably the nth time I’m trying to write this entry and, hopefully, I won’t erase it. Why I’ve been erasing each entry I’ve been writing? I have no idea. Why I’ve been just staring at the wall hoping answers would come to me? No idea. Why, everytime I start studying, I fall asleep on the book? I have no idea. Why does my body seem to be so tired nowadays? I honestly have no idea.

And you know what? That’s just irritating because I like having answers to things and knowing things. Not ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I have no idea.’ So I’m going to write this now before I go insane or mad or break down or just, something. And if it’s incomprehensible, I wouldn’t be surprised. The thoughts in my head tend to be incomprehensible to me nowadays anyways.

People who say they dislike something and yet they’re the ones who do it in the first place are highly irritating. For example, if there was a group of people on stage- say my friends- who have danced pretty good, It would be my natural tendency to compliment them and criticize them- constructively. Now see, if there’s this other random person talking to her friend criticizing my friends (behind their back)—not cool. So what if I go to them, join them and agree with them? Not fully, of course, because they don’t know what they’re talking about. That’s perfectly fine—not really. But hold on- listen to this. Listen to this. What if. What if, before I’m about to say their good points too- the girl cuts me off and says that I had no right to say anything bad because I wasn’t up there. Now, talk about hypocrisy! Weren’t you the one talking bad about them in the first place? And also, she didn’t let me complete. I was going to tell you their good points because their good points outshone their bad points. Because, in fact, they were excellent at what they did whether it was debating or dancing or singing. So at least give me a chance to complete my sentence and thoughts before you interrupt and come to a really pathetic conclusion.

Those people- I’ve realized what they do. Caking on their makeup, involving themselves elsewhere; it’s all so fake. They slip into oblivion as a way to escape and not to remember or face the situation because the situation isn’t any better really. How could somebody face reality like that? Knowing that someone so close is using you so well? Knowing that they aren’t with you for who you are, but rather for something else? Thinking that money can buy you up and satisfy you completely? (Although it definitely would for me, this isn’t about me). A façade is formed from there and that’s where it all starts because once it’s formed, it becomes a habit and then it’s natural. It becomes a part of them and they just can’t help it. If they start acting like themselves, they start to feel naked; like people can really see through them. And eventually, they lose themselves. Who were they before? Who are they really now? And soon, they surround themselves with people like them because it makes them feel secure; it makes themselves feel better.

Honestly, I have no idea what we are anymore. Whenever he’s upset- or whenever his emotions are directed towards me, he refuses to voice it out. I’m just the opposite. I don’t like that sort of secrecy. If it’s me who’s involved, it’s better if you voice it out. But things changed now. So much for being friends, eh? I really don’t know. I really don’t. In my mind, I know that I’m over him and that things are never going to be the way they were before, but it’s okay because the times I had with him are pretty irreplaceable. The time that I share with each person that I have in my life is irreplaceable. Sure we’ve both moved on in our own ways, but part of my heart still lingers there, only slightly attached to him. Slightly. There’s a reason to that too. The thing was that he replaced someone else I really wanted to be close to previously but lost the chance too. So perhaps I thought that if I got close to this one, I could make up for it. But I probably lost this chance too. He probably hates me. But it’s okay. We weren’t meant to be and I just can’t fight against that anymore.

Sick of being here, there and everywhere. No more philosophy. For now.

Wow. It seriously has been a while, hasn’t it? Honestly, I’ve been wanting to blog since such a long time, but there was a huge of problem which I couldn’t overcome—I had no internet and, obviously, without internet there’s no way I can blog. Since last blog entry, lots has happened, it’s unbelievable. My life seems to be more eventful than a movie I tell you. And I’m not over exaggerating- although I do wish I was.

My father went to India a week or so back and the very day he reached India, I caught a fever. It wasn’t a minor one either as I had a temperature of 103. I came back from school dizzy, shivering and with a fever. Let’s just say it was not a good combination at all. I didn’t do anything that day except sleep of course. Or at least I tried to sleep, but I was feeling really uneasy. Perhaps it was because of the fever or because of something else I just couldn’t place. Then we got a call in the middle of the night when all of us were trying to sleep- a call from my uncle. Yes, it was quite the surprise because my uncle usually doesn’t interact with my mother and he was calling her on her cellphone. More than anything, what was unexpected was the news that was conveyed through the phone call.

Yes, it seems like my grandmother- my father’s mother- had passed away a few minutes after midnight [India time, of course]. She was going through a lot of pain and she was really weak. Not to mention she was quite the aged woman, but my logic didn’t work against my tears. What could I do? A mix of the news and my fever was not exactly the best combination there was. Nevertheless, I stayed strong because I was really worried about my father more than anything because it was his mother and also because he was alone in India. My mother texted my older brother in the states telling him the news about my grandmother and the news shocked him a lot as well.

Then again, my Chemistry test was absolutely because of my emotional and mental state at that moment .I found out that I, apparently, can’t concentrate very well with such a fever. And the results of my test really did bring me down. It’s like I re-found a whole bunch of new guilt that was stored in the corner of the cupboard. But that’s over. It was a few weeks back and now things are settling down although it feels weird to stay that I have only one grandmother left and nobody else. Things are stable now and we’re all fine and recovered. We’re strong. We know that it’s better that she was put out of her misery instead of staying on this Earth and suffering so much. Not to mention that she did live her life and tried to enjoy it. And my dad- who loved her so much- was there for her till the very end and I believe that was really appropriate.

So my fever was running for an entire week- 10 days to be exact and it was not pretty. I’d had headaches, stuffy noses, dizziness- the package. I, of course, refused to go to the hospital since I was sure that my fever would diminish and it did eventually. Actually, towards the end the fever started to turn into a cough. A really horrible cough. And to be honest- that cough is still somewhat there, but I’m perfectly fine now. For the most part at least. My little brother on the other hand? Not so much. Yesterday he got really sick. And I mean really sick and he’s getting better, but not by much. His fever is like the people’s moods here. It’s FLYING up and down constantly. We can’t tell whether he’s getting worse or better and the reason for the weird changes in his body. I only pray and hope that he gets better quickly.

To be honest, my original plan was to write more and to write a longer entry. Not because I owe anyone anything because I don’t. It was because I really wanted to, but something happened. As usual, my train of thoughts got interrupted and my flow of writing just stopped. The emotion and state of mind I was in changed and I couldn’t continue with the very same topic. Granted, I could have just moved on to a separate topic, but if I need to do that I’ll probably just write another blog entry. Just to make it more organized. Or something to that extent at least.

Reasons. Changes. Decisions.

I’m a Hindu. Yes. There are many different sub-categories when it comes to Hinduism. I am one who is into Krishnaism. It’s a wonderful thing really, but this entry wasn’t to describe about that, you see.

I used to fast. But not anymore.

I fasted continuously for five to six years during Ramadan due to my personal reasons, but I stopped this year. I won’t be sharing those reasons, so it doesn’t matter. Things changed. Reality sunk in. I had my reasons previously, but now I don’t have them anymore, so why should I? There’s no reason to do it anymore. It’s over. I admit it, that I did fast for two entire weeks this year but I stopped after that.

Besides my personal reasons, it stopped making sense to me that I stayed hungry for 11-or-so hours without changing my lifestyle at all. In those two weeks I fasted, I realized that I was simply becoming more lethargic and things were going down-hill. It all seemed to be pointless. Things were all still the same. After a month of refraining yourself from everything that’s bad, you just jump back into it all, so what’s the point? I’ll tell you—there’s no point at all it seems to me. It’s as if you’re trying to oblige everyone else by doing something like this. And don’t- don’t tell me it’s not true.

I know him. He’s like me. No. He’s like me vaguely. But barely. I refuse to let us be similar. No way. He fasts every Ramadan and he’s not a Muslim either. I don’t know his reasons; I’ve never asked him for them because I never bothered. However, I do know one thing. After this one month, everything’s going to go back to normal. His temper, his drinking and his smoking. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has been smoking while keeping his fast even. Then tell me, what’s the point of starving yourself completely if you’re not doing anything to improve yourself? Why, darn it? Why? I wish I knew the answer. I honestly wish I did.

But the point is that I chose not to fast. Someday, I hope that fasting will make sense to me again and that I will have the willpower to go forth will my reasons and drive all those obstacles away. When this happens, I’ll gladly re-begin the practice. But no, not this time. Not for now. Maybe next year; maybe the year after that. You’ll never know.

You have absolutely no right to put me down because of that. Glaring at me from the corner of your eyes. Throwing accusations at me when you don’t even know half the story. It’s not your place to do such a thing. The bond, the reason. It’s between me, myself and my God. You have no right to interfere in between and think that I will cave into your social standards and expectations and care about the fact that maybe- just maybe- I disappointed you or that I’m a hypocrite. Because, by God, I can tell you that I’m surely not. I was only using the realized that dawned upon me after all these years to guide me in the direction that I’m going.

►I'll Stick Around And See How Bad It Gets; I'll Settle Down And Deal With Old Regrets◄

She stared at the paper, emotions and events swirling through her mind. There was nothing except silence pulsing throughout the house and she broke it with fingers vigorously pressing at the keyboard. None of it was supposed to occur, but it couldn’t be stopped. They had said that it was to be deserved, but why was the world so cruel?

So at 3:44 in the morning, what I decided to do was write a blog entry. I was craving for comments, really, since they make my day but I found that there’s no point to care anymore if people don’t bother commenting. It’s really their decision and I have no right to force others or push it upon them. Along with a blog entry, I also decided to write a poem (or rather, just a gist of my thoughts) of which you’ll be reading below.

Each scar tells a story,
one of failure or of glory.
From the outside, with time, they’ll heal
But deep inside, I can still feel.
Different they are for each and every person
Prod if you may, but they’ll only worsen
Trying to be in this world good and clean
Corruption started young- at the age of thirteen.
No choice, we had, but to go through it all.
So why is it only tears that I recall?

So school is starting soon. I thought I was completely prepared for it. Mentally and emotionally, but I’m not. My resolve is breaking down. It’s starting to really break down and I don’t want it to be that way. I want to have all of it back. I want to bring myself out of that world and put myself where I really am supposed to be. I don’t want to continue to delude myself into believing all these other things. Things that should come true, but never will. I need to focus and I need to just stay there. I need to think and I need to stop. I need to just get it all out. But they’re all fake. There’s no point even really. They’re all stuck in their own little world; who has time to take care of other people’s woes and worries? If only.. If only. So close, yet so far. But as days pass by, it continues to go even more far. And now.. It seems to be almost out of my reach.

Just A Word Of Assurance Or Two Is All I Need- Is That Too Much To Ask For?

Sometimes, I wish I hadn’t made such a decision of coming here. I did not have a complete decision in it, of course, but I could have at least tried to prevent it. This all- it’s eating me up inside. Decisions, lies and betrayal. How much more can it go on- I keep thinking and wondering about that and yet, I never get a reply back.

However, I got a reply back today. Just one small one and it made my heart sink because if I hadn’t supported that decision maybe things would have been better- just maybe. I wanted to let go- just end it all because it seemed to be so simple but I felt so guilty and bad saying that. I felt hurt thinking something like that and almost empty because it’s a part of my life and I can’t just leave it like that. It’s impossible so I shall hang on to my hope. I shall keep trusting in God and just having faith that things will be okay in the end. And I’m sure it will. It’s just a matter of trust and patience.

A combination of being frustrated confused, irritated- it’s no fun, I can guarantee you that. Granted, I’m a strong person so I know I’ll survive through it all. I will do my best and I will try to and I know that I can do it. What about him though? He’s alone and it’s so hard to reach at the place where he is. Trying to pick up the broken pieces, trying to glue it back together.. And only having the same thing happen the next day. Tell me, how much longer can this go on? But I know that no matter how many times I keep asking and repeating it, I won’t get an answer. Not yet.

Instead of saying that you’re fine and instead of just being so unclear and making me feel so distant from you, why didn’t you tell me the truth? I found out the answer, I really did. You trusted me- you really did love me. And you still do. You were trying to protect me- us. You’re not superman and I’m not naïve. I know this world and I know how things are. I wish- oh, I wish things could be how they were supposed to because you don’t deserve something like this. You really don’t.

I’m an open person- a person who lets free. A person who’s a small enigma, but if she wants to give in, she will. A candid person who can be hated and liked and who wants to just help others. That isn’t a sin, right? Maybe there’s just no place- no place in this corrupted world. But no. I cannot be like that other person. The one next to you being so diplomatic or two-faced, I cannot.

I’m not foolish, I can promise you that. I’m trying, I really am and I’m just hoping and wishing things would work out.. If I get stuck in the past and keep regretting things, nothing will happen. All I can keep doing is thinking about you and praying. If I do that, I’m sure everything will be okay. And things will be okay because God is with us. And he's guiding the way for us. He'll do what's best for us- he definetely will.

Following Up Of the Past, Consequences and Such

I’m thankful- I’m extremely thankful to the Lord for my IGCSE results. Granted, I wish I could have done better, but I’m satisfied with my results, I really am. It feels like all that I struggled through was actually worth it because I do feel like- for once- when I tried, I actually got the worthy results back. Usually, it’s such that I try and try and yet nothing comes out of it- at least not ever since I’ve switched schools. Oh, gosh, though, but this time I got the results I think I deserved- the results that I actually studied for. Now, please, from my words don’t assume that I got overly brilliant grades because I didn’t. I got grades that I felt were satisfactory for me and I believe that’s enough. And, really, don’t think I’ll actually be mentioning my grades here because, if you know me, you’d know that I’m the type of person who isn’t too fond of disclosing my grades to another.

[This mainly refers to grade 10 and 11-- and the present]
Whenever I see people in academic brilliance, I feel happy for them, and yet , internally, I feel a bit disappointed because I wonder why I haven’t been able to get the same. And don’t think that I didn’t used to try. I used to sometimes blame others- the teacher mainly- saying that they weren’t good enough because, honestly, they weren’t. As I continued to say that, though, it seemed to be like nothing but an excuse so I knew that I had to do it by myself. And that’s what I did- I worked hard and tried; I kept trying- and yet things didn’t work out. I wanted- and I want- to do everything in my power to avoid failure because that was something that I simply couldn’t afford. Towards the end of grade 10 and the beginning of grade 11, I felt really down because it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t succeed because my grades weren’t rising. They were dropping from A’s to B’s, C’s and D’s and that was something I wasn’t used to at all. It was hard to imagine me- a straight A and B student getting her first D on her report card. It was frustrating; absolutely frustrating. Not because it was on my report card- because I had been trying and yet my results were low.

Consequently, my expectations for my board exam results were extremely low- B’s and C’s but god was really merciful and he didn’t give me even one C, of which I really am thankful for. As I mentioned before, I didn’t get /great/ or /excellent/ grades- I know plenty of people who got better grades than me, but it’s alright because I’m satisfied with what I got. I just need to apply for the schools and see where I can get in for AS levels now. And hopefully, I’ll get in the school I wish to attend.

Also, I would highly appreciate it if I got comments as they boost me up to write even further. However, if you don't feel like commenting, it is also alright of course x]

•|°|• Predictable storylines, Garish Makeup and Lots Of Scheming •|°|•

My superb friend, Arfa, did not only succeed in making me feel guilty but also in urging me on to blog. I do realize that I haven’t blogged in about three weeks and I apologize for that. What can I do though? Time is ticking and not stopping for anyone, whether it be you or me.

Insane plots, bright makeup, scheming in-laws, coy daughter-in-laws and children who are too big for their boots—does it sound familiar to you? Yes, it is the basic and common features of Indian soap operas.

Many people, mainly woman, are hooked onto these soaps. They are far from reality and a great escape route for the people as it can take them into the fantasy world where they can forget their worries for a few moments.

Then comes the downfall- many become obsessed with these serials, forgetting that it’s a make-believe world. And also, some get inspiration from it. Not the inspiration that leads you to do something good either. It might influence one in a bad way bringing them to be suspicious to anyone who does anything good without any hidden motives.

They have a ridiculous plotline—not to mention an extremely predictable one and they show violence, physical intimacy that drags on and diminishing family values.

In my opinion, it’s rather sad actually because I know quite a few people who are hooked onto such shows and it’s just pathetic. Don’t get me wrong; I do respect their interests and such but when you know exactly what’s going to happen during the next 6 episodes, why would you ignore your child for those days, sit in front of the television and watch those very episodes from Monday to Saturday? Perhaps someone could explain it to me because I seriously don’t understand it.

Now don’t get me wrong; it’s not like I haven’t watched it before. I refused and used to loathe them- the Indian soap opera. The word ‘used’ is wrong since I still do still date, but my mother convinced me into watching a few of them. I used to dread the clock turning its’ big and small needle to the 6 because I knew as soon as it reached 6:30, it would be ‘drama time’ and I definitely wasn’t fond of it. However, to accompany my mother, I used to sit there and watch the characters on the television commenting on how silly their actions were and what was going to happen next and guess what—it did happen.

Till date, even if I do watch it, it’s simply to accompany someone else since it makes them happy. How could I give up a chance to making someone happy? Ah, the downfall of being me, but that’s beside the point. Now I’ve made myself clear to my mother and my father telling them that I cannot tolerate any more cheesy scenes or any more of the character’s nonsense so I have stopped—absolutely stopped watching these Indian soap operas.

How Much Longer Will This Go On? How Much Longer Will I Be Kept In the Dark? How Much Longer Will You Refuse To Acknowledge My Presence?

It actually has been quite a while since I last blogged, so I decided why not write an entry today? Days have just been going by so fast that I haven’t gotten a chance to. Granted, I'm not exactly in a mood to blog about what I want to actually write about, but it's alright. Let's see how it goes. This entry might be in reference to some of the blog entries of my friends have written in the past. Some of these things might be personal and not exactly formal and all, but I just want to attempt to write a loose blog entry for once.

Now there's this person who I shall name X. At the beginning, I thought that we got along and that everything was dandy. Of course, now we still do get along, but there's this unspoken distance between us which I truly do dislike because I'm curious. So unbelievable curious about this person of their experiences and their viewpoint. From the top, some of X’s view points are different, but when sinking deeper, it’s actually similar to mine. X is a realistic person, it’s true, but sometimes he’s just so pessimistic, I want to help him escape and find out a better solution to those problems. At a point in time, I did almost give up because just when I thought I was getting to him, things just went down the drain, but then I thought- how could I actually do something like that? I’m such a persistent person that I just can’t do something like that no matter what. Ah, I wonder if I could be called an idiot for such a thing.

I wish upon that star. I wish from afar. How I wish, how I wish. There are a few people that I know who are going through quite a tough time. I know that I can help them. I know that I’m a trustworthy person who they can rely on and who will accept them and help them through their situation and problems, but I wish they could realize such a thing. I truly do. I want to get close to them and figure them out. Just enter their heart once, but if only they would let me. I wouldn’t betray them. From my side, that’s a guarantee.

That reminds me of something. A few days ago, I was cleaning my drawer and found a folded piece of paper. I recognize it was mine because of the handwriting and because the quality of the paper is good, meaning that it was from the States. On the paper were a few scribbles- thoughts of mine actually. Each ‘scribble’ was about a real life person, but I only got to write two of them until the period ended. Yes, you read right. I wrote these two things in my class- Arabic class to be exact.

A simple gesture to make my day.
A small text to make me smile.
A regular email to be like the sun’s ray.
You got me hooked for quite a while.
A few days without you-a few days it is,
But it truly is you who I miss.
You got me addicted; you got me attached,
But I know that I’m like the rest of the batch.
Just one more inch, I wish to be close-
In your heart, I wish I were that treasured rose.

You want to figure out who it was directed to? Go ahead. And yes, this is the next one:

I hope, I pray. I cry and I say.
I only wish it would all work because I want you to be in my life again
That shoulder I could mostly rely on.I want it back.
The memories of you and me- give them to me again.
Tell me their words were a lie. Tell me.
Your story I’d surely buy.

Even though I was determined to write a blog entry today, I honestly don’t think it was good at all. Infact, I’m highly tempted to click that ‘delete’ button in the corner of my screen, but I shall not because I have learned my lesson that I need to blog and write in a better way and more sensibly. Or something to that extent.

♦Spinning through a world of obligations wanting nothing more than to be Free♦

It had been nothing but a simple question. An innocent simply question that had no hidden intentions behind it, but that question itself started it all. A sharp pain crossed her heart as tears began forming at the corner of her eyes. As the loud voices and clash continued, she bit her lower lip feeling undeniably helpless to the situation. Everything had been going so smoothly- the conversations, the teasing and the smiles, so what had turned it into this? The entire room was filled with silence, but the atmosphere was still so tense and almost tangible- she could cut it with a knife if she had one. Tears threatened to fall as she heard the footsteps leading away from her. And then, they fell.

That, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with what I’m to write in this entry. Honestly. Atleast I don’t think it will. Not this time at least. This entry, though, is short compared to my other entries. How sad.

This entire month was to be reserved for exams and for studies, that’s true. Or atleast they were only suppose to be reserved for that, but something else got added into my agenda. Gaining knowledge about life and God. Rather unexpected topics they were really, but the topics were extremely interesting I found. Things about fate, the soul, religion, God.. And they were things that I never knew about before too. The thing that really left an imprint in my heart for now, though, was when someone told me “You are a part of me.” And that person(X) has never admitted that before- out loud atleast. So that really left me in slight shock. Another person(Y) did tell me that that person (X) was simply making up things and didn’t mean it, but I didn’t care.

So this was something I wrote a bit ago, so it’s a few months old. Recently, I haven’t been in the mood to write anything huge. This isn’t really a poem, it’s more of an excerpt or, rather, just a rambling or thought of a sort.

Three simple words needed to bring a smile.
Three simple words to bring a frown.
Three simple words that end a novel.
Only three simple words.
Just those three can bring the world.
Just those three can break one's heart.
Just those three can pull the cords
Merely but three little words.
Not much they are.
Just a few syllables.
But the affects are great
For just three little words.

-Your question might then be- what are these three words then? Well, that is for you to figure out.

It’s rather frustrating sometimes because no matter how much I study, how much effort I put into something, things just refuse to work out the way I want them to work out. I was talking to my mother a while ago about the changes I’ve gone through and the few things that have happened. So from there, I did realize that I have changed which was quite the sadness for me because, well, most of them aren’t the way I it should have been.

It’s not really a complete change though since there are still times that I’m torn between who I was, who I am and who I want to be. Then again, that’s simply too much trouble, so I’ve decided that I shall just be what I am. Why should I over think things and overcomplicate things? I should just move along with a clean heart and a steady and pure mind; that’s all. And just by being myself.

Your Lies Drop Like Acid Rain, Burn My Skin and Reach My Heart

So it wouldn’t have made a difference even if I didn’t write another entry, but after reading my friend’s blog, I said to myself- ‘why not’? I mean, I haven’t in a while, right? This time, though, I shall be writing with absolutely no topic in my mind. Do remember that this is a post of my thoughts for a total of four entire days. So I’m wondering whether to split my thoughts in two different posts or not. In the end, though, I decided against it.

I went back to school today and got my grades and, I’ve got to admit, seeing the grades in reality was rather horrible. It was completely my fault for the grades, of course, but- on the other hand- am I really capable of doing more? I wonder. It seems like everyone has extremely high expectations of me; even strangers. Oh dear.

If you read my previous post, you’ll see that I mentioned that I know the truth. Guess what? It turns out that all that I knew and all that I trusted- it was all a lie. Or at least most of it was. It hurts as to even think about something like that because it seems like the one shoulder that I mostly relied on, even though it was unintentionally, has disappeared. Gone. Just like that. Now you see the value I have in a person’s life? Exactly.

I know now. The truth is the truth and nothing can change that. The fact that I don’t even know the truth itself is rather confusing, but that’s okay. I just need to accept what I know. And what I know is that I have to improve myself and block them out. I have to just stay true to myself by keeping a clean heart and having faith in God. There’s no point in changing myself or letting another person obtain the right to leave a scar on my heart. No point at all because they don’t deserve it. Of course; things are always easier said than done.

So did I mention that I really want a tablet laptop? I mean they’re so amazing. Okay, so the only thing that’s so brilliant about it is the fact that you can directly draw on the screen with a stylus so that the picture, but still. That itself. I find really cool. Okay, so I'll admit it; to be honest, I really do miss drawing. Drawing those outfit designs, those eyes, those headshots, those freebies- I do. But there's always another time for things like those.

So these two movies- August Rush and The Secret; they sound seriously amazing and I really want to watch them. You know, some actors act so well, it’s like you actually dislike or like them because of their personality- because they can portray it so well. It’s just amazing- the effort, the time, the way that they do it. I mean how people don’t appreciate the characters- even if they’re the evil one- I don’t understand.

So I was thinking about some things; some extremely random things and I couldn’t get myself to study because my mind seemed to be filled with them. I don’t like it, I really don’t, but I thought I’d get them out; maybe I’d be able to concentrate then. Mainly, it’d just be a whole bunch of rambling.

So the strangest idea ever came to my mind today- how about being a wedding planner? I know, it’s like the furthest thing from what you’d expect from a person like me, but I’m unexpected. I truly am, I just attempt to blend it sometimes. And guess what? It usually works. I know, I know. I don’t believe in love or marriage or this and that, but really- think about it. It’s a unique job. And, well, read on.

Now this idea, quite a few things inspired them, but it’s not important. It’s more like you get to see the happiness of the couple. You get to basically make their perfect wedding and you get cash. See? Two in one. And best thing is probably- well, besides the cash- is the fact that it’s a social job.

Plus, if the couple broke up, I wouldn’t feel guilty because I know it wouldn’t be my fault due to the fact that I would just be setting up their wedding; I’m not the one who would be getting them together like a matchmaker or something of the sort. Strange thought, isn’t it? But it’s been on my mind for nearly three hours now.

I remember how it used to feel like when I felt like I was truly the special person. Like you know being special that person to that other person. His voice was constantly in my head and it was maddening and, somehow, it didn’t seem to be like it was reality. Strange. The same ordeal had been playing in my head for quite a while before I confronted myself with the issue; what was wrong with me? Turned out, it was nothing at all.
People use others a lot. They manipulate a lot. I have a nature not to use others, to be honest. So I’m wondering, is that a bad thing? I mean, ideally, it is a good thing to have a good nature, but in this kind of world, even goodness seems to question itself. I really can’t manipulate or use people; it’s totally not in my nature and I just can’t. I mean I haven’t even tried it, so I wouldn’t really know what it feels like, but I’ve seen people do it so clearly and it seems terrible really. But those people are the ones that, ironically, “rise” in life. Ah, the ways of life.
Wow, I’ve written quite a bit, haven’t I? Okay, more than just a bit, but I think you get the point. I wonder if anyone got past the first two paragraphs. If anyone reached till this point, thank you very much for reading this entire post although it was completely random and contained nothing that made any sense.

It All Just Depends On Which Side of The Coin You Look at

Now, about the picture. No, it isn't like I've changed my mind or anything of the sort. I simply liked the picture, it's cute. Okay. So I really like this picture. Don't ask xP. Now this post might be completely pointless, try not to get too irritated.

See, the problem is that I want to write and I want to blog, but I've been having a major blog block. Or maybe it's just the fact that I want to write so much, I have no idea where to start- or end, for that part. Let's just stick with the fact that my creativity has just died off.

So, to begin, lots had been happening in my life in just a short amount of time. 2009 started off with a bump and then the road just continued to get even more rough. I, of course, did keep my hopes steady, but there's a point to when it starts decreasing. And then, knowing me, it comes back again.

It’s like I am going through a mid-life crisis, i think. When, all of a sudden, nothing seems good to me. i am so distracted all the time. By the hints of possibilities. But, as usual, i refuse to open the door when opportunities knock. Why am i so laid back?

I need to realize that it’s a big deal, that it matters. Forget my heart, forget emotions, forget all those silly things that don’t matter anymore. I just need to realize, to concentrate, to think. Alas, if only things were that easy. I do realize it, I know the truth and I do have the will. The only problem is that that determination, that will; after awhile, it starts fading away. Either that or I get so caught up in something else. Yes, basically I want to be stressed, I want to be determined because if I am all that, I know that I’ll be able to do it and my persistence can overcome those little things that keep popping up.

No matter what I say, that hope, that faith, those small little expectations, I just can’t stop them from coming. That just might be one of my flaws, but to be pessimistic, put a bit more in something, is it so bad? Yes, I do realize that in my last blog entry I had mentioned that I shouldn’t have expected anyone to be there when I needed them. But just that one time- mind you, I didn’t need anyone; I’m not that desperate- I simply wanted to hear someone’s voice. Anyone’s voice that would atleast snap me back into reality so that I wouldn’t be so dazed as to walk so aimlessly and lost as to almost crash into a car. At that time, it was me who was thinking “Stop the Earth! I want to get off!” What a thought, right?

The wind of depression still blows in my life. All i need is to shut the window that lets in this wind. But i am stuck – can’t even summon the will to laugh genuinely. I don’t even feel like using anymore energy to close to window and block it all out. It seems that all I have to do for now is use my own power and strength to fight against the wind and make it through.

Seems for now, it’s just I, me, myself all over again.