I’m not sure what happened between us. It seemed like when we were apart, things were so much better. Our friendship was better. Once we met, things seemed to have changed. You wanted to be with other people. You didn’t want to talk to me as much. You seemed to want to drift apart and I know that you aren’t stupid- I know that this is all willingly from your side. One thing confuses me though is the reason to all of this. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to let someone else as close either. But I decided that I’m not going to push myself towards that person anymore. Because I care for her, I’m going to give her the space she wants and let her do whatever she wishes. In the end, it’s okay because, I hope that she gets the happiness. Even if it isn’t in our friendship.
What I wouldn’t give to bring us back to what we were. Sure, I was hurt by you, but the feelings that come with those treasuring moments and wonderful times I had with you overtake the pain. Atleast once in a day, I can’t help but make a connection to you, whether it’s subconsciously or not. Whether it’s a small or big one. I just can’t seem to help it. And yet I know that there’s no way that things can get back to normal.Back to how they were before, at least. But things have changed within my heart- that’s for sure. Even if it’s just a bit.
I wish the answer would just come to me. I realize I might have not been trying as hard to find an answer on my own, but what if I never end up finding one? It’s not even about being good enough for it. What if I’m just not suitable for any of it? What if the decision I make ends up putting me in a wrong position? Just like the decision that was made three years ago. Everytime a topic similar comes up, I can’t help think how different it would have been otherwise- if three years ago the decision was different. I only hope that I can continue to find something to look forward to look for in the future. If that one thing is shattered, I just might go out of control-- and not in the best way possible.
On another note, so far, school isn’t too bad, surprisingly. Perhaps it’s wise to mention here that the naptime in school feels awesome as well. Granted, I’m a person who can sleep almost anywhere, but that’s a different story. I guess my theory was right that if I had only taken two subjects- Chemistry and Physics, my life wouldn’t have been as stressful as it is now. Unfortunately, I’m sure that my Biology teacher is bound to come back to class in a week or so. As they say, everything good must come to an end.
Fortunately, this blogpost hasn’t come to an end. Not yet. I’m actually super excited about this coming week. Surprisingly, it’s not because my birthday is coming up. Rather, it’s because of a way sillier reason. The fact that I might get to see a proper India/Sindhi Marriage. True, I did get to see my cousin’s marriage, but some parts of it were pretty different, according to my mother. So, let’s see how it goes. Downfall, however, is the whole desi outfits and girlness? Yeahh, not so appealing, but let’s see how it goes this time around. : )
