Let's Set This Stage on Fire

I’m not sure what happened between us. It seemed like when we were apart, things were so much better. Our friendship was better. Once we met, things seemed to have changed. You wanted to be with other people. You didn’t want to talk to me as much. You seemed to want to drift apart and I know that you aren’t stupid- I know that this is all willingly from your side. One thing confuses me though is the reason to all of this. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to let someone else as close either. But I decided that I’m not going to push myself towards that person anymore. Because I care for her, I’m going to give her the space she wants and let her do whatever she wishes. In the end, it’s okay because, I hope that she gets the happiness. Even if it isn’t in our friendship.

What I wouldn’t give to bring us back to what we were. Sure, I was hurt by you, but the feelings that come with those treasuring moments and wonderful times I had with you overtake the pain. Atleast once in a day, I can’t help but make a connection to you, whether it’s subconsciously or not. Whether it’s a small or big one. I just can’t seem to help it. And yet I know that there’s no way that things can get back to normal.Back to how they were before, at least. But things have changed within my heart- that’s for sure. Even if it’s just a bit.

I wish the answer would just come to me. I realize I might have not been trying as hard to find an answer on my own, but what if I never end up finding one? It’s not even about being good enough for it. What if I’m just not suitable for any of it? What if the decision I make ends up putting me in a wrong position? Just like the decision that was made three years ago. Everytime a topic similar comes up, I can’t help think how different it would have been otherwise- if three years ago the decision was different. I only hope that I can continue to find something to look forward to look for in the future. If that one thing is shattered, I just might go out of control-- and not in the best way possible.

On another note, so far, school isn’t too bad, surprisingly. Perhaps it’s wise to mention here that the naptime in school feels awesome as well. Granted, I’m a person who can sleep almost anywhere, but that’s a different story. I guess my theory was right that if I had only taken two subjects- Chemistry and Physics, my life wouldn’t have been as stressful as it is now. Unfortunately, I’m sure that my Biology teacher is bound to come back to class in a week or so. As they say, everything good must come to an end.

Fortunately, this blogpost hasn’t come to an end. Not yet. I’m actually super excited about this coming week. Surprisingly, it’s not because my birthday is coming up. Rather, it’s because of a way sillier reason. The fact that I might get to see a proper India/Sindhi Marriage. True, I did get to see my cousin’s marriage, but some parts of it were pretty different, according to my mother. So, let’s see how it goes. Downfall, however, is the whole desi outfits and girlness? Yeahh, not so appealing, but let’s see how it goes this time around. : )

Because it’s not just all about you

So I disliked my last blog post, a lot. It just didn’t seem to personify me at all- like how my blog posts usually tend to. That fact irritated me to such an extent that I was even tempted to delete my last post, but I forced myself not to do such a thing. For now at least.

School hasn’t been the greatest experience in the world, but I’m learning how to deal with it. It’s hard to believe that just in 2.5 months of not seeing some people, they’ve changed so much. And not all that change is exactly good. Some people have become more distant, others more selfish. Some so caught up in their world of ‘popularity’, seeming to prioritize socializing and popularity over their real friends. It’s sad actually. Very sad. Confronting those people or questioning those people would have been quite a good idea, I thought at first, but then should I really be the one to tell them so? Should people, at the age of 18, be so oblivious to the fact that they’re changing in a negative way or drifting away or being absolutely stupid? And also, who am I to point out everything to them- about what happened to them, their change, the different personality that I’m now seeing in them? Sure, I’m supposed to be his/her good/close friend, but to pinpoint so much just seems to be rather selfish and a bit too reprimanding. Hello—try to grow up and not be so oblivious in your own little, fake happy world which you’re trying to make seem so flawless and filled with absolute joy.

I’m not saying that I’m completely the same of how I was 3 months ago because things have happened this summer to change parts of my viewpoints and my mindset. But to say that I’ve undergone a huge change- especially a totally bad one is a wrong statement. People usually deny when they’re accused of something or when their negative points are pointed out but I wouldn’t do such a thing—much. I understand that it’s human nature to do so because who wants to hear their faults and flaws spoken aloud? But still, I personally find it impractical to deny such a thing when that’s what I actually am or when it really is my fault.

So change is inevitable- it’s something that happens whether we like it or not, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t mould it in a way which would be positive for us and our live. Of course we can do that. The only difference is that some people are too thick to notice that things around them are changing and they’re changing—and I’m not talking about a positive change either. And sometimes, it can get quite irritating and yet we’re forced to put up with those people or situations. How sad.

Never Back Down Because The Hurdles Are Higher Than Your Physical Height- They're Never Too High For Your Internal Strength.

Hey guys. So, I’ve been kinda stuck in my head lately. And it’s not always that fun. And it’s getting insane. I’ve pretty much been consumed by the internet, for the past 3 months. I feel like I’m just losing time- have no idea how time’s going by like this. In June, I had preoccupied myself with going out as much as I could. In a way, I was escaping everything that I shouldn’t have escaped, but it was alright because it was satisfactory. And I don’t regret it. In July, I toned down my outings and tried to be with my family more, but I didn’t spend at much time in my thoughts like I should have. But anyhoo- that’s beside the point. I wanted to blog today considering it’s been a while. So here I am now.

So. I try to avoid sleeping. Perhaps it’s because it’s a habit or maybe it’s because I think that if I sleep, I’ll be wasting my summer vacation. I mean otherwise I could be watching another episode of a series, chatting with a friend, reading a book—doing something. However, sleep is necessary. What I’ve realized though, is that I love sleeping, but going to sleep is something that’s definitely not on my list of ‘happiest things to do’—not that there is a genuine list in the first place.

Raksha Bandhan is tomorrow. For those who don’t know what is it, it’s a hindu festival which basically celebrates the relationship between brothers and sisters. The festival is marked by a sister tying a holy thread called a rakhi, to the brother’s wrist. The brother, in return, offers his sister money or a gift and says that he’ll protect her and all (whatever he wants to really). And the sister gives the brother sweets—mainly methai(which are Indian sweets). And he feeds her some too, traditionally. So the thing is that we celebrate it every year and all, so it’s usually pretty cool, but the thing is that I’m slightly more excited for it this year because it’ll be the first year in plenty that both my brothers will be here with me. Granted, my older brother shall only be there till the afternoon as he has other things to attend to, but his presence—for a few hours even—is satisfactory enough for me.

So I was thinking this a few days ago- like 1-2 days ago actually, considering I went to Diyafah for admission and things didn’t work out there. Considering the grades I got in my AS level examinations (which would have made an extremely depressing blog post) I’m not all too sure whether I’ll get admission into my current school . Now see, I would like admission into my current school because life would be more convenient for me. Granted, my teachers would be all disappointed at me, but that’s a different story. So what if I don’t get admission into my current school. Then what? Obviously, my life shaln’t be over. I could do all my subjects privately (although it would be quite demotivating and enhance my laziness) or I could take up a fulltime job for one year somewhere and earn some money. Both options seem to be more tempting than just rotting at home, don’t they? Of course they do because I’ll actually be somewhat productive if I chose to do any of those. So, yes, my life won’t be over.. But I’d still prefer if I got admission in my other school.

So yeah, that’s it for today basically. I did have plenty to write about considering I hadn’t updated in like quite a while, but because of the time, I think I shall continue on another time. After all, I'm supposed to wake up early tomorrow so that I could have a head start on things.

It's easy to be oblivious. The easy way out doesn't work. Open your eyes.

I’m starting to lose hope in myself because of the way my papers have been progressing so far. There’s no point of saying that they’ll eventually get better because they’re not getting any better. Infact, they’re probably just getting worse. I’ve had most of my papers by now and every single one of them has been awful- if not worse. Ironic part is that I was expecting the first four to be the best of the 9 papers I’m taking because in general, those 4 were not too bad. But, no. This year..things just had to change.

So imagine what’s going to be happening to me when it comes to the remaining 3 of my papers- which are already difficult papers as it is. The thought terrifies me- especially since there’s hardly anytime between these exams and hardly any time to study for them.

See, I had time between my first and second paper, so I had time to recover from the horribleness of the paper and move on, but I had physics paper 1 on the 19th which was supposed to be good( and it wasn’t even close to that) so all I could do was hope that on the 20th, my chemistry paper 3 would go better, but NOO. That one had to go and be screwed up as well. Sure, I finished all my experiments, but the calculations were impossible for me to do as I hadn’t the faintest ideas of how to do them. And of course, my graph was SO weird and I was SO paranoid about them that I thought that I did it wrong and left it blank in the end. And guess what? It turned out that the awkward graph was apparently right. And then the anion test—well, I just HAD to mess up in that too, didn’t I? Well, what could I do? Carbonate was SUPPOSED to be present, but good ol’ me got absolutely no effervescence. And don’t say I didn’t try or pay attention because I repeated that very experiment three entire times.

And stupidly, everywhere you were supposed to put ‘ppt’, for cation, I put ‘solution’ as I wasn’t in the right phase of mind—clearly. Needless to say, I really messed up. So when I returned back home from school, I was fuming with anger because this girl who bawled her eyes out got 20-35 extra minutes apparently, just because she tried and claimed that her experiment wasn’t “working” and the teacher had pity of her. Oh. What.Ever. I’m /so/ sorry that I can’t fake cry like those people. I don’t have those type of wondrous skills!

Upon that, I felt extremely irritated because people who finished the paper or who did really well were still complaining about their paper—about three-four petty marks. I mean seriously! It irks me to no end. I just feel like telling them to get over themselves. And these people who were complaining were the kind who always,somehow, end up getting “A”s in the end.

Oh, and the physics paper. I thought it was okay. It wasn’t that great because I found out many things, at the end, which I never knew about. I mean constants have units? Gradient has a unit—wait whaat? So I was a bit confused, but besides that, I thought it was okay. That was, until. I came out of my centre and we started discussing about it. It turned out that almost every single one of my answers varied from my classmates’. What a confidence booster, eh? Sure, George told me that if you have the working right and all that, then you’ll still get the marks, but really? How can that even be possible when most of my answers are totally different from other people. Funny thing is that I haven’t a clue of what I actually did wrong because I checked most of my working. Twice.

Today too, I had my biology paper 1 and it went horrible. Seriously, I’m beginning to sink in this mode where I’m just like ‘what’s the point anymore’ because really- what is? I mean I studied hard, I truly did and I did every single one of the question papers which were available to me, but it seemed like there was still no point. Because guess what? In the end, the paper sucked. It was horrible. And of course, there were these handful of people who I can count off who were simply complaining (before AND after the paper) that they were sure to get bad marks and that they were completely unprepared for such a paper. Yeah. Right. Give me a break already.

I’m not trying to be overdramatic or anything because I’m honestly /not/. But you see, when you actually try really hard, study a lot, do whatever you can in your capacity and then these are the results you get? Well, you automatically start to feel really down. And more than feeling depressed—although the feeling of being down in the dumps IS there, I’m just extremely frustrated at myself.

And now, I have the predicted, worst, papers coming up.

Let’s see. Let’s see. How much worse can I do? Not much right? Considering all that’s been done.

But wait. Let’s not ask that question still. Or come to a conclusion because I think I can prove you wrong with how much worse things could still go considering it’s me you’re talking about.

Snap the Elastic Limit, Crack those Straightforward Emotions and Shatter the Ideal Image

You know what? It wasn’t even worth it. It was just wastage of my emotions and time. I know it was meant to just keep me preoccupied so that my mind wouldn’t float to unnecessary things that would be sure to bring me down. However, they simply succeeded in raising my blood pressure, frustration and irritation. Today was just like a “FML” day. Seriously. From the moment I touched the school grounds (no exaggeration here, folks) till the moment that I heard the bell for the sixth period to begin. Nothing was going right; nothing at all. So now what? I was trying; trying to hard to not let things get to me, but it was just so difficult.

Excuse me, but just because you’re jobless and stupid doesn’t give you the right to blabber whatever you want. Just because I have manners and am taught to be nice to everyone doesn’t mean I am to put up with whatever you throw at me. Nuh uh. I learned my lesson, thank you very much. No matter the physical or verbal abuses, you won’t learn your lesson. I forgot; you don’t know the meaning of manners and sense in the first place and, you know what? I refuse to teach you such a thing. Heck, the energy that I wasted on you could have been used for something more productive instead and I almost regret even bothering with you. Sometimes, it is quite the disadvantage-concentrating on the good points of a person, that is. Why? Because in the end, they turned out to be nothing but obnoxious jerks; both of them.

I am busy; things are going absolutely haywire over here, but that’s no excuse for me to stoop down to their level and I absolutely refuse to do such a thing. Especially since I know for a fact that I’m better than them. Just because their ideal person might be skinny like a stick, intelligent like Einstein or tall as a tower-it doesn’t mean I have to be upto that standards because my own standards are way beyond them and I cross them fine. Thank you very much.

So, you know what? Forget you. I don’t really care anymore. I have my own little square and I’m satisfied with it. I’m sick of giving chances to people like you because I know what will happen in the end. You just want a reaction, don’t you? I’ll give you one. Just watch, you lot of imbeciles.I'll do just the opposite. You want a reaction. I'll give you an action. You want me to care? Well, newsflash! I don't and never will.

Attitude determines altitude, so screw you :]

Following Up Of the Past, Consequences and Such

I’m thankful- I’m extremely thankful to the Lord for my IGCSE results. Granted, I wish I could have done better, but I’m satisfied with my results, I really am. It feels like all that I struggled through was actually worth it because I do feel like- for once- when I tried, I actually got the worthy results back. Usually, it’s such that I try and try and yet nothing comes out of it- at least not ever since I’ve switched schools. Oh, gosh, though, but this time I got the results I think I deserved- the results that I actually studied for. Now, please, from my words don’t assume that I got overly brilliant grades because I didn’t. I got grades that I felt were satisfactory for me and I believe that’s enough. And, really, don’t think I’ll actually be mentioning my grades here because, if you know me, you’d know that I’m the type of person who isn’t too fond of disclosing my grades to another.

[This mainly refers to grade 10 and 11-- and the present]
Whenever I see people in academic brilliance, I feel happy for them, and yet , internally, I feel a bit disappointed because I wonder why I haven’t been able to get the same. And don’t think that I didn’t used to try. I used to sometimes blame others- the teacher mainly- saying that they weren’t good enough because, honestly, they weren’t. As I continued to say that, though, it seemed to be like nothing but an excuse so I knew that I had to do it by myself. And that’s what I did- I worked hard and tried; I kept trying- and yet things didn’t work out. I wanted- and I want- to do everything in my power to avoid failure because that was something that I simply couldn’t afford. Towards the end of grade 10 and the beginning of grade 11, I felt really down because it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t succeed because my grades weren’t rising. They were dropping from A’s to B’s, C’s and D’s and that was something I wasn’t used to at all. It was hard to imagine me- a straight A and B student getting her first D on her report card. It was frustrating; absolutely frustrating. Not because it was on my report card- because I had been trying and yet my results were low.

Consequently, my expectations for my board exam results were extremely low- B’s and C’s but god was really merciful and he didn’t give me even one C, of which I really am thankful for. As I mentioned before, I didn’t get /great/ or /excellent/ grades- I know plenty of people who got better grades than me, but it’s alright because I’m satisfied with what I got. I just need to apply for the schools and see where I can get in for AS levels now. And hopefully, I’ll get in the school I wish to attend.

Also, I would highly appreciate it if I got comments as they boost me up to write even further. However, if you don't feel like commenting, it is also alright of course x]

εveryone wants to be нappy; ηobody wants ρain, but you can't have a яainbow without яain.

The clock was ticking; she could hear it, anxious as each second passed by. She had rushed through almost everything; she knew it, but she couldn’t help it as her mind seemed to almost be elsewhere. There was half an hour left for her to stare at the clock; even though she knew that it wouldn’t make it go faster, she had nothing else to do. The echo of the older female was heard and she shut her eyes, saying a quick little prayer as she turned, eyes meeting with another girl’s. They left, bit by bit and as she left, realization dawned upon her. It had been completed at last and there was nothing to stop her now. The corners of her lips were raised as she let out a yelp of happiness, not being able to contain her emotions any further. People were shocked, surprised, excited and some were even in tears, but what mattered was that it was over.

So besides that little excerpt really. Do you think I should stop those things? They’re just random little ramblings or writings one could say. Anyhoo~

I’m done. I’m finally done. Done with seeing the same annoyed faces of those teachers and arrogant faces of those students. Done with being put down by people who aren’t worth it. Done with the silly drama. And I’m done; absolutely done with continuously studying and trying to memorize three years worth of portion.

So to speak; I have officially completed the 2009 IGCSE: International General Certificate of Secondary Education. Whether I faired well or did bad, I have no idea really. Sadly, at the moment, everyone in my house is sleeping so I’m unable to celebrate in the way I want to. What would you expect? It’s the morning of a weekend. And my friends, well, they’re busy doing their own things I suppose. But that doesn’t matter. Everything seems to just be such a blur. The only thing that is stuck to my mind is the fact that I am now free. Free in the sense that I don’t need to have my nose in my textbook for 11 hours trying to figure out how to do mole ratios or anything of the sort. Instead, I can split those 11 hours and spend them on my family and friends. Now doesn’t that sound much better? Of course it does.

I simply can’t get it out of my system- the excitement and the happiness. Perhaps it just hasn’t completely sunk in yet; the fact that I might not be in this school next year; that I would have to settle into a new environment all over again, that there would be a small possibility of losing my friends in the process. But hey, what the heck? Does it really matter? What one needs to do right now is nothing but just enjoy the moment. The moment and the mood they’re in at that time. And at this very moment I’m totally and utterly hyped up and wanting to stand on top of a mountain and scream my lungs out. Which, of course, isn’t exactly possible for my in reality, but it’s alright. I’m just hoping that my hyper-ness doesn’t die out too soon.

I never thought I’d say this, but I haven’t a clue what to do. I don’t want to wake up my parents and spoil their sleep. I don’t want to disturb my friends as they must be busy. I want to get some rest and refresh myself, but at the same time I don’t want to because when I wake up, my emotions might change and the situation might as well. I want to settle down and watch My Girl or Coffee Prince, but my internet refuses to cooperate with me, so that isn’t exactly possible either. I want to go out, but I don’t have a license nor do I have a place to go. So you see what kind of a problem I’m in? I can’t exactly call it a ‘problem’ since it’s minor and rather silly, but still. I don’t know what to do.

Ah. Memories. Confusion. Fights. Misunderstandings. Thoughts. Debates. Lessons. Critizing. Breaking up. Making up. Understanding. Being random.

You.

Me.

Us.

I’ll give it that much- this year sure has been interesting and eventful.

Say What?

So, believe it or not, I was pretty excited when I woke up this morning because it was to be my first day in grade 11. At first, I thought there was nothing to look forward to because all my classmates and teachers were to be the same. Then, someone told me that my teachers might change; that surely gave me some hope. So I walked through the same corridor which I did 3 months ago, looking at the same faces that hadn't changed. And then Tarushi came up to me and gave me a news that was to change my year."Miss Mariama(don't even bother correcting my spelling) is your class teacher." I've heard about her and she's said to be strict, but I was okay with that- I mean, even Miss Sindhu was pretty strict. So I just shrugged thinking that my teachers this year were going to be better than the last. After all, the teachers in grade 10 were not that great so even a teacher a little better would satisfy me a lot. What I wasn't expecting when I entered my new class, 11G5, was to hear the sound of Arfa sqeaking and people actually greeting me. That totally brought a grin to my face. I passed by the classroom,shaking hands with a few people here and there. Yes, what disappointed me was the fact that those Arabic chicks hadn't changed and they were still ignoring my presence and the fact that people were ignoring my hand when I extended it for a handshake. So anyways, we chatted here and there and I was way more talkative than usual. I think it's because I was just trying to push everything aside for now. And then Mariamma came strolling inside the class and bam. There went my first impression of her. So I understand that they all have IGs this year, but why do they have to put all the pressure on someone else to be the president or the vice president? Okay, so I admit, I wasn't interested in the class council at all; I have better things to do, but when Arfa was forced to be the president and nobody was listening to her refusing the post, I just couldn't help but feel bad for her so I took up the post of the Vice President. Like I said, I really wasn't interested, but if it'll ease her up a bit, I suppose it isn't too bad. My original plans, actually, for this post was to rant about everything that happened today, but, no, I've changed my mind. You know why? Because I'm the kind of person who can't stay mad at something or someone for too long. I know, it sucks, but I really can't. I usually either forget the reason why I'm angry or my anger just kinda fades away. So that's what happened today. I was angry- pissed, frustrated even when I reached back home.I mean, I went to school with high spirits and a hyper grin, but when I returned, my spirits were totally dampened and I was just feeling nothing. Just a mix of emotions. You know what changed all that? The grin on my little brother's lips when he told me that 'today's day was awesome. our teacher didn't let anyone fight.' Just those few words made my anger slowly vanish. After I changed, I urged him to continue and he told me about his entire day- his friends, his teacher, his class and his principle. As he continued to talk, my anger just totally diminished and then a thought struck me. 'What's the point of being angry anyways? They don't care about the students emotionally. They just want to do their job and get their salaries, so shouldn't I do the same as well? I'll just get some knowledge, try to study and do my exams.' Sounds reasonable, doesn't it? Granted, the anger hasn't vanished completely, but it's barely there now. In just an hour, all of the anger is gone because of a small living being. It almost makes me feel guilty for the past.