Monday, May 02, 2011

Missed Connections

I couldn’t figure out the reason why I stopped writing and I still can’t. It wasn’t because I knew that there were people out there reading (-waves to invisible readers-) and judging me. It wasn’t because I had no time either. Perhaps it was because I couldn’t find a point in it. ‘What’s the point anymore?’ That phrase has always gotten me nowhere in life and it even managed to deviate me from something I really liked doing- writing.

So as to overcome that ridiculous, completely pointless thought I’m going to resume writing here. I’m not going to force myself anymore, but I’m not going to stop myself either. Even if people are judging me, if they don’t want to come out and say it, it’s their fault. Even if I’m incapable of letting out my thoughts by a mere keyboard, I shall try to do whatever I can because I’ve realized that I’ve never gained anything by giving up the things I liked doing. Which also included sketching, socalizing, skating-- and things of the sort.

Granted, it might not be the best time for me to do so considering the fact that in a few days my final exams are coming up, but when’s there a ’right’ time for anything really? I’ve been pondering on plenty of thoughts- the same thoughts- for the past few months and they continuously replay through my head, not allowing me to make a firm decision about what, indeed, I’m going to be doing in the near future.

For a person like me to be stumped over such a thing is strange because I loved taking risks, chances and doing what I wanted, but what changed in the midst of these years that I haven’t been able to take a firm decision? Perhaps it was the fact that one decision, which was made 3 years ago, changed my life in a not-so-happy way and I refuse to let that happen again. That probably is the reason, yes. But that shouldn’t stop me; not at all. I can’t predict what’s going to happen to me in the future, so why am I hesitant? Perhaps it’s because I know that one mistake of mine will continue to be emphasized over for years, taunting me every day of my life. Just like how the decision of 3 years ago sometimes still does.

But I want to break that. I wish to start somewhere. Bring home what I can and work to my potential, not letting people and their fake ‘sincerity’ and such get in my way. A person I know told me once. “To get somewhere you have to first start somewhere.” And that’s just what I’m doing to do. Even if things don’t go according to how I want them to go, somehow or the other I’m going to make it through. I know I am and I know I will.

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