A ‘solution’ in which the solute and solvent are unknown

Jan 6^th: What needs to be understood is more than what can be explained. The rush of feelings, the concoction of emotions, the continuous expressiveness: they only end in continuous inner battles in which there seems to be no winner.

The main question seems to be what I want because that itself is unclear. Or perhaps it’s clear as crystal and the obstacles to achieve my ‘wants’ are far too large, and things simply aren’t in my control- atleast to a massive limit, they aren’t. My wants aren’t completely mine, after all; they’re to be shared with an opposite party and one has to come to a middle ground or compromise about their ‘wants’ because if it’s solely not mine, how can I be so selfish?  But is it really selfish to voice out my opinions and stand up for what I ‘want’? Is it really about selfishness though: does it mean that if I don’t share my wants then I’ll be the selfless one in this relationship? Does it mean that if I compromise myself to a large extent then I’ll be the selfless one? I highly doubt it.

It’s not like I’m scared of him or of his feelings; right now I’m more apprehensive of the whole situation because of –him- itself. The feelings are rather overwhelming (still), surprisingly. However, I think I’ve managed myself quite well due to certain circumstances and hormones that have decided to overcome other emotions. I reckon it’s a good idea to be wise at this point of time though, even though ‘instinct’ and ‘wants’ don’t really come in that category, do they? Neither does spontaneity. darn it.

Today: Just because I step a toe into the sea doesn't mean you have to push me into the entire sea. I think you're forgetting here that no matter what I've been through I still haven’t learned to swim- not yet at least. Still, with your weight and pressure, you've dunked me into the sea refusing to help me further. Independence, they call it. Stubbornness, they call it. To me, it's like a gem waiting out in the open- waiting for me to grab it. Should I take the opportunity and prove it to you what it really is? Once I’m pushed to such an extent, I can’t promise that I'll return back to land- back where you are. No guarantee at all.

 It’s aggravating and irritating for you to think that way about me. It’s a fact that you’re a  degrading, judgmental character but I didn’t think you’d go this far as to disregard my status in your life just because of mistakes made by you. However, I think I know where this is going and as tempted as I am to rile up a fight, I know it’ll be a silent one- one of the most deadly ones.

♦The Echo Of The Vapid Sea Reflects Back Who I am♦

Nothingness would be the best way to describe it. No feelings, no emotions and no thoughts. Nothing of the outside world seems to affect you as you’re nothing but a shell. You put on a fake smile and nod for a bit for the sake of the others, but they don’t know what’s going on with you in reality. The many thoughts occupying your mind have become so entwined and jumbled up with each other that you can hardly tell them apart. The more you think about it, the more your head starts throbbing from pain because you can’t comprehend things anymore. Everything just seems to be so blank to you, but you have no choice but to follow through and keep up this act for the sake of seeming sane. People and events are all blurry- none to remember or interact with, as nowadays even a small greeting is enough to satisfy them for a year or so. Everything is passing by you, so fast-paced, and nothing and nobody is waiting for you and no matter how much you extend your arm, you can’t seem to catch them. That’s when you realize that you’re left behind and all alone, but you can’t even feel that loneliness anymore. You’re just a shell- nothing more. A hollow shell who’s just living for the sake of contributing to the population of six point something billion people in the world. The sparkle in those onyx eyes have vanished months ago and are completely lifeless now, but it’s unnoticed by them all as mankind is always so concerned about himself and nobody else. Eyelids start feeling heavier as you count to three, but nothing has changed because it’s all still about me. This blank feeling of nothingness- how you wish it could turn into something else because sooner or later, it’s going to start engulfing you as a whole, like how the snake does to its prey, without any choice.

So I did realize that this post was extremely short, nor of any importance to anyone of course, but I just felt like writing it. Why? Just because I could and that's why I did. Sure, it might be more gloomy or morbid compared to what you all are used to in my blog, but no harm in temporary change.