Saturday, April 16, 2016

The Day I Write About Emotions

To say that it's been a while would be an understatement. A few things actually brought about this post. One, was a conversation that I was having with a friend about why she stopped writing. She said that she wrote when she had all these musings in her head, but when she got into a relationship, her significant other was like her 'vent-box' so the need and want to write decreased. 

That made me think. Is that what happened to me as well? Being so transparent with my emotions to others that I didn't need an outlet to reflect upon my own emotions, thoughts and actions?

Another friend of mine brought up the fact that when it comes to appealing to the certain senses, there are many people who are very visual, but I could potentially be one who's more into reading. He also introduced me to a different platform where people write all different types of thoughts, emotions and fantasies in all ways. However, not quite sure if that's for me. 

Regardless, there's been a concoction of emotions inside of me, and the fact that it’s so volatile makes it more frustration. Perhaps the below is the best way to describe it.

‘Don’t know how to swim?’ You said, “Jump in and I’ll catch you.”
“Don’t believe in love?” You said, “Try, and I’ll never let go.”
Took a deep breath, shivered and somehow managed to stutter it out.
Felt like even with layers of clothing, I was naked. Vulnerable.  
Still, here I am, going around in circles in my own head
Thinking about you oh-so-often. So frustrated. So tired. So confused.
Was it worth it?
Hold me, give me all the love and attention I need want.
Don’t cajole me; don’t smother me.
Don’t over bear me; don’t over shadow me.
Before you came, there were boundaries and you treaded on gently.
Why are you trying to push your way in now, or so it seems?

Stop. Just stop, and let me be.
I want you, and don’t at the same time.
Let me stay in my own mind.
In my own life.
I have my life and you have yours.
Don’t over bear me; don’t over shadow me.
I’m a part of yours, and you’re a part of mine.
That’s all that’s there to it.
Don’t stretch it. Don’t push it.

I refuse to give in completely.
I refuse to give myself up.
I refuse to indulge in such banter.
I refuse to keep myself in this state.

That’s it. I’ve decided.
It’ll stop. I’ll stop it.
No more weakness.
No more such thoughts.
No more wants.
Just deep breaths.