Warning: Yes. It is a mindless rant. Majority of you might not understand it or care due to its error and content. Deal with it. Or just skip the post- even better, no?
There are so many people in the world. Worse than you. Worse than me. The thought is supposed to be reassuring, but it hardly is.Firstly, the thought that other people are worse makes me feel bad because I can’t do anything for them and they probably don’t deserve it. Who deserves such bad in their life after all? Second, the other thought that I’m just sitting here doing absolutely nothing makes me feel even worse. If there’s something wrong, something bad, I should be trying to do something about it right? So why am I not? Why am I letting the past discourage me once again? Why are all these excuses popping up in my head? Why am I allowing everything to distract me from what I should be wanting to do and what I really should be doing? So what, if in the past, things haven’t worked out exactly how I’ve wanted them to? Atleast they’ve been not totally hopeless right? At least they’ve been somewhat good because I put some effort- something into it. At least things weren’t, and haven’t been completely utterly and totally useless. It’s because I tried. I fought. I didn’t back down.
Why am I here anyways? Being the way I am now. This isn’t me. What happened to all that willpower? So what if the motivation left. What happened to all that spirit and that fighting power? Was it that weak? Internally, I refuse to believe that because then this wouldn’t be me. What happened to all that stubborn-ness. That hard hearted-ness. It doesn’t just disappear like this. How could I let it all go to waste. It’s been more than four years. You don’t let stuff like that just disappear. All this, sitting around, moping or even complaining. It doesn’t suit me at all, so has it become a part of me already? Is it too late to eradicate it from within myself? I’m not a person like that. I don’t want to become a person like that. so why am I getting spoiled and allowing myself to get like that? Just staring at the walls, the laptop screen and not letting anyone or anything affect me. Being totally indifferent to all. That’s not like me at all. What has happened? Whatever it is, I dont like it at all.
I’ve gotta roll back to the beginning. Roll back to how things were. Whether it be reserved or not, I don’t care about them but I gotta care about it.