The 'Reality' of Life

“Change is inevitable”- whoever said that knew what they were talking about, but hopefully knew that most of the world wouldn’t be happy with that concept. I’m obviously inclusive in the ‘most’. If things transition in front of you in a positive way, it’s quite easy to embrace it since all you have to do is go with the flow. However, when everything’s drastically changing in a negative direction and you can’t do anything about it- let’s just say it sucks.

I’ll seek and keep searching, and yet not be able to find what I’m looking for. Now the question is: what exactly am I looking for? It could be the understanding of people around me, it could be the desire to gain more materialistically, or it could just be the solace of knowing that I’m not alone. If only it was that easy.. If only..The problem is when you have the question placed in front of you and you have neither the answer, nor a solution. You just have a blank chalkboard staring at you with its beady little eyes, waiting for an answer- waiting, as if there’s all the time in the world, when there really isn’t. 

14 minutes and 49 minutes. That’s all it took to end things. As for the other 5 and a quarter minutes and 28 minutes? I’m not sure what they were for- I reckon just to help in speeding up the absorption of thoughts. Things are said, words are exchanged but I have no choice but to just accept things. I’m unable to question why anymore- unable to question why…Situations like this make me wonder who exactly is capable of hurting who. Sure, there are some people in this world who are more open with their emotional self, but there are some who try and shut out that part of their life as much as they can. A barrier is put up so that they don’t acknowledge that side because it might not be as accepted as the other side is or it might portray them as vulnerable; in this world now, who wants to be considered as vulnerable- especially with the connotation of ‘weak’ it has linked with it. 

I genuinely never wanted to hurt anyone; infact, I never want to hurt anyone. I’m not such a saint though- I won’t say that I want to be hurt either; nor will I say that I’ve never ended up hurting people. I don’t understand how the label ‘good person’ could be given to me if I’ve ended up hurting a person. Why, if a person claims to be so genuine, would they would refuse to share their true feelings with me- is it because of the intimidation of the person not being on the same emotional scale? Why would you give up something so meaningful, if it meant anything to you in the first place- were there hidden motives in it from the start? Was I ever valued as a friend- even those 2 years ago? There are questions, lots of them but no room to ask them. There are no rights anymore, to ask such thing. 

I don’t want to accept things, but I will have to. I want happiness for myself and other people are entitled to it as well- even if I don’t believe in the term ‘compromise’ on a major scale. He(A) has a right to be happy, even a small bit and if I’m not permitted to be a part of it, so be it. Things are better this way- clarified, rather than unsaid or drifted from one another- wordless. It hurts; I’d agree, but it hurts me more to compare the pain I’ve given him rather than what he’s imposed on me. I simply can’t consider myself a ‘good person’ if I’ve ended up hurting him to such a massive extent that he hardly has any choice but to indirectly hurt me with a decision- a decision which might lead him to happiness. I just wish to apologize…because I wish it had been something mutual; I wish I could have given him what he deserved and I wish I could have been in that position where he would rather spill his guts out to me, in a sober manner- rather than seeking out acquaintances. But it’s his comfort- it’s his happiness. 

How much longer will this go on- these ‘changes’….These situations….These circumstances of which I can’t take control of….How much longer? (Being powerless is not something I’m rather fond of..)

Lingering Feelings & Tumbling Thoughts

Too early. Too freaking early in the morning for all these thoughts to be running through my head. Each time I try and successfully escape those thoughts, they try to sneak back in every chance they get. Confronting certain thoughts and people, at this stage, might be a good idea as I would come to a solid decision and finally make up my mind about plenty of things. However, it’s not possible for me to confront certain situations, even if they are lingering feelings which don’t allow me to totally close the chapter. For example, I might have pushed that person away from my life as much as possible because they’re not supposed to be worth it anymore. Because our friendship isn’t what it was and I can’t keep forgiving things like this. No matter how easy it is for me to forgive things and forget them, some things aren’t supposed to be forgotten it seems. But then when I think about our past together, the things we shared, the silly things we had in common- I can’t help but wish to revive those moments and wonder if it was worth losing you. Perhaps it was. Perhaps it was time for me to move on. Even if I’m gone from your life, it shouldn’t make a difference to you because it was bound to happen sooner or later. The only thing is that this all occurred way sooner than I thought it would. But to this date, it still kinda bothers/hurts me that you did that. And it seems like you don't care or feel even the slightest guilty at all.

"Never Make Someone a Priority, When all you are to them is an Option." -Unknown

‘A’ said that there’s no way I could completely forget about you. It’s not a total bummer because all those times with you made me experience things and learn things that I probably wouldn’t have otherwise. Of course, you helped me further emphasize my train of negative thoughts about ‘love’, but it’s okay. However, it can be quite the bummer at times because you’ve clearly moved on with the rest of the girls in your circle, with your oh-so-busy life and with every thing else that continues to keep you on your toes while making me nothing but a mere memory for you. I only wish that the past memories didn’t continue haunting me every time a similar situation came up.

"I never knew it would be this hard to lose someone I never truly had." -A Human Being whose name I cannot find

I had a small hope, I guess, that things would be the same if we met this time as well. I mean it’s always been like that. We’ve hung out for hours, talked endlessly, had plenty of fun and then had a huge break between seeing each other again due to circumstances and whatnot. This time, however, things seemed to be different. Atleast to me, it seemed. I couldn’t place my finger on it exactly but some thing was different. Maybe it was the fact that you’ve changed and are developing into a new person. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve changed and can’t seem to agree with you on everything you say or do even though you’re my friend.I suppose you, as a friend, but i don’t agree with your decision and actions. But i’ve realized, and convinced myself, that no matter how much I care for you that it’s okay as you’re the one who has to face the consequences. Making up excuses just because you want to do something is fine if you really want to do it, but in the end I guarantee you that it’s not going to get you anywhere. But from thinking now, I’ve realized that it’s not you who’s changed or even me. It’s us. The thing we call our ‘friendship.‘

"We've all grown up, and there's no denying that. But it's tough to tell if in that growing up, we've simply grown apart."- Unknown.

Hm. It's sad. The people who are 'unknown' or not famous are the ones whose quotes best matches these situations and hose quotes I totally agree with.I suppose it's not the name that matters in the end anyways.