Sinking at a location that lacks lifeguards

Yet again my heart feels restless but for a very strange, selfish reason. I know the reason and I know the cause but so far I have no solutions on hand. Honestly I'm not the type of person who could be a loner. Scratch that. If I had a choice, I'd never want to be cooped up in solitude. It's not because solitude brings about anti-socialness but rather, in my case, it's something that can drive me to the brink of madness or depression. Some claim the statement to be an over exaggeration but that's the hard core truth right there. Probably the most truthful I've been to myself the whole month. Thinking abt the past is a common cause in making individuals feel down, however, in my case the present could lead me to turning insane- it's like realizing all over again that you're a rabbit stuck in a hole that's too deep to jump out of and no matter what all your efforts are futile and you're trapped. The worse thing? I can hardly do anything about it because almost everything is out of my control. I hardly believe in ‘destiny,’ ‘fate’ and things of the sort, so when I find situations lay out in front of me of which I’m in no control over- where I can’t pick my own options, my brain starts becoming quite frenetic and irritated. I try and find an escape- I honestly do, but I feel like I’m running out of options now and one of the main things which I was clinging onto in this place are disappearing, making me feel all the worse. I haven’t given up yet, and I’m hoping never to, but for now I have to come up with some conclusions which I shall put into action and hopefully they'll work .And I really do before I revert into someone I can’t change back from.

Wishing and refusing to wait

My mind feels restless. So restless. I can feel sadness, yet again, making her place in my heart- weighing me down, like an elephant who’s far too hefty for it’s own good. I had a conversation with a person a few nights back and couldn’t help but wonder if I was too honest. Who would have thought that I would ever use the phrase as ‘too honest,’ right? However, sometimes in this country it really seems like a common used one. You lie and commit a sin; it’s completely stupid of you to do so because it can lead to the straining of a relationship. On the other hand, if you’re too honest won’t you just end up scaring away a person- making them drift away or back off? Who knows.

It irks me to a vast extent that we’re in the same grounds as one another and our communication is kept to a minimal; it honestly makes me wonder if I’m done something wrong. Being the person I am, starting a conversation isn’t a difficult task, but it makes me wonder if I have a right to anymore. More than being irksome though, it hurts. It hurts so much that all I can do is just watch you and listen to you and not just closer no matter what. It hurts.

“Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to a selfish motive. It is a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves. ” - Stephen Kendrick, The Love Dare

I wish I could eradicate a horrible trait that has developed within me for the past two or three years. I completely and utterly loathe it and wish it didn’t exist. Every time it rises I suppress it. Every single time. I just cannot let it release- I simply cannot, because I know how disastrous that could be, and all the consequences that could follow with it. I know the amount of relationships, close and far, that could be spoiled- which could be destroyed. I know how many people would vanish. I know how many people it would hurt. But God- it’s getting difficult. It’s getting so difficult to stop myself. And yet… Yet I’m tempted to take such a decision which would force me to tread on such precarious grounds.

I wonder if that’s because I have the chance of doing something good for once- even if it’s just a tiny bit- or whether I’m just stupid.

How many more mistakes will I make until I learn..

How many more people will I hurt until I change....

Like a Small Flicker Of Light That Can Burst and Light Up the Whole Town

It’s an overwhelming feeling when you know you’re being trusted so much; when you feel like that person’s heart is in your hand. The way a heart can be enveloped because of all the care.. It’s an especially overwhelming feeling when you don’t know what to do about such a thing. Sometimes you just want to take a leap- hoping that you won’t fall into a bottomless pit, and that there will be someone to catch you (if not, at least some form of concrete ground). Is it worth it? The thought seems so futuristic, but should it really matter, because end the end it’s only supposed to involve you and me, right? But it does matter somehow- it does. Live for the present; be what you are- true phrases to follow by. After all, ‘how do you know there’s going to be a tomorrow,’ you ask. How do you know, indeed..

I've made it clear that I refuse to compromise, or give up what I believe in. A bridge of which I've come to a standstill at, but I'm not going to chose between two things that are important to me. In the long run, it might be harmful, but for now, I just want a bit of freedom and I believe I've established that quite clearly. If you don't wish to believe me, I shalln't say anything in return, but it seems that we've come to an understanding so far, especially since you value my honesty. 

What you ask for though is a chance. A mere chance. A leap of faith. Is there a way that I might be able to give that after all- just a small one so that I can test the waters and not drown?

No matter what I just don’t want a repeat of what happened before. If it happens again, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to save myself. Still, I don’t ask for much in return at all. I’ll give you a chance- and perhaps a bit more. All I want in return is happiness. That's it- just happiness and honesty. Are you capable of giving me that? 

║ Those Rusted Chains of Reality║

Can you blame me if my mind is filled with irritation and rage? How would you feel, indeed, if your parents had a completely different image of you? If you were trying to portray an image of one who you were not, and they conceived a different image, then it’s a different story altogether. However, if you’re just being your real self with no hidden intentions; while being completely pure, you’re being accused of atrocious things- well, it’s not really such a justified thing then is it?

In my opinion, that’s basically what happened to me. To be honest, I’m the type who loves things told to me bluntly. Sure, I might be a bit taken back by one’s words because that’s quite natural, especially when it comes to an insult, but honest words are just that way and I can’t change them. However, when they’re utter nonsense, what am I to think in return?

It’s ridiculous- especially when I replay any of their words in my mind. What do they want from me, I’m not sure anymore. I try, in almost everyway to try to make them happy; it seems now I’m slipping up from that in some departments. Is it because I’m drifting off a bit away from them and becoming a little independent? Funny, I always thought that it was a good thing.

Just when I thought one thing, and started to admire one, because of such an incident, my respect for that person would slip. How can you even think of me as such a person? I might not be the brightest person on planet earth, but I’m not the stupidest. I might be tempted to get carried away at times, but sometimes I just want to be stuck in a dream; is it necessarily a bad thing? Perhaps so. But my feet still remain on the ground as I know what I want- I know what I’m doing, for the most part. All my decisions might not be right. I might not be perfect. I might not be ideal daughter, but can’t you just cut some slack for me? When it comes to something like that, I’ve tried to push all my thoughts and tried to suppress my voice, but it’s so hard to when your words are filled with nothing but presumptions and rubbish.

Nevertheless, here comes a crossroad where I have to weigh people who are important to me, who are my priority- versus my own judgement and stance in life…

                Wish I didn’t have to pick because either way, I feel like I’m going to be losing something, or worse—someone.

The Day I...

Perhaps it’s a defence mechanism that was created unintentionally because of the plenty scalpels cutting through my heart.  Or it could be that I’m just like the others; no matter what I do, I’m unable to escape the stereotypical characteristics of an Aquarius. I’m not sure how it happened- or even when it happened, but once the realization moment has sunk in, it sunk in really deep.

Louis Althusser had proposed that there are all these ideologies that are implanted into our brains through certain institutions, like the educational system and the religious system, when we’re young and they’re instilled so deep- so deep that they almost become a part of our DNA. No matter what, we can’t deny them, nor escape them. When you actually think about all of this you realize that all those morals, ethics and all that you were so proud of- that made you an ‘individual’- they’re not even your own. They’re just implanted there to control you- to rule you over and to indirectly suppress you and keep you in your own little bubble. Therefore, what’s actually right and what’s actually wrong?

I’ll admit that I’m not used to people leaving me- or at least not because of an accepted reason. I can get stubborn to the extent that I refuse to accept that their role in my life is over, but does that really make much of a difference? It’s not like it’s actually going to make anyone stay. That’s the whole point of life, though, isn’t it? Growing up, changing, moving on. Is it all inevitable though? Is there really no such thing as forever? Sometimes, I do feel like challenging such a word, but would it be worth it in the end—to go to such an extent, I wonder.

It’s happened before quite often- where I’ve let someone in so close. So close that I even started to doubt my own thoughts, my own beliefs. So close that I almost completely gave in and lost myself. The surrounding people were the ones who shook me up, inviting the thought of it all being a trap, a delusion, in my mind. It was a heart-breaking thought to think that someone so genuine could turn out to be completely fake. Someone so caring could turn out to just be a show-off, but knowing the world now, I wasn’t so sure who to believe anymore. Still, the soft corner of my heart- although it hadn’t become completely mush- didn’t harden like clay whenever I heard his voice, or had a small glance at him.

It was perhaps the trigger which led me to setting an involuntary boundary between myself and him. Us. The word always was so ambiguous whenever I thought back on it. Most of the time I refuse to let myself think upon it, but whenever I do, the thoughts are nothing but muddled. Dubbing the label of a romance relationship seems to degrade our relationship while the label of a friendship seems to devalue what we actually have. Albeit I wasn’t the kind to show it, but to me, what we have is something that my lexicon seems to be limited for. I never was, and probably never will be, the kind to analyze so much because I don’t think- I just feel and even if I do, I’m not the best at expressing it. You’ve known me for longer than plenty; you should know that by now.

Still, I apologize for all the hurt. All the pain. All the confusion. All those moments that you would like to erase. I apologize for any second with me that you regret.

Because one thing is for sure, that I don’t regret a single one.

Looking Beyond the Surface to Find Something More

It’s so ironic I’m writing this right now, after now horrible I was feeling a few hours ago. But all that had vanished as I started listening to music. At first, it was the same music- just listening to the kind which helped me escape from my thoughts. Those hyper, incomprehensible songs which just lifted my spirits up almost immediately. Then I started listening to the other kind, moments later, the ones which actually made me think. The gears in my head started moving so quickly, the thoughts kept coming and coming. The beat of the rhythm and the voices—how powerful and /meaningful/ they were—some of them even succeeded in bringing goose bumps to my arms.

Music is rather amazing isn’t it? According to any mood you’re in, it can match with it. (In this case, I’m referring to English music as most people reading this/if any would probably know English songs) You want to be happy, want to start dancing- start listening to songs like Stereo Love or Who’s that Chick. If you want stay in that calming mood, listen to Azure Ray. If you want to listen to something perky of the such, there’s Owl City. If you’re frustrated and want to get it all out, listen to heavy metal or a rock song. If you want something that isn’t too hard and yet is on the rock side, There’s Nickelback. If you want to listen to something inspirational, there’s Pink or What are Words by Chris Medina. If you want to listen to something meaningful, yet rap there’s Eminem and Immortal Technique. No matter where you’re from, no matter what species, race, gender you are, music is the answer to it all.

Which brings me to my next topic. One thing that seems to be rather difficult to achieve in this world now is happiness. As we grow older, it gets harder and harder to achieve—or is it just you? The desires keep rising- wanting a house, wanting a car, wanting a family, wanting money. But before he get started I wanted to make it clear-- wanting to become happier is /not/ a selfish pursuit. Happier individuals are more likely to go out of their way to aid and support others. Second, don’t think that happiness will just /come/ to you. You can create the situation or opportunity. And even with just your thinking, you can be happy. Wanting to be happy isn’t something superficial or shallow- believe it or not—but people would rather opt to go out and take up swimming classes instead. If you think about it, human beings basically only of manipulating the external world; they never stop to examine themselves. Sure, in this ‘fast-paced’ world, who has the time? But if you have the time for yoga, movies, reading and your dancing classes, how can it be so different to put some time aside for yourself?

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

Happiness can mean many things to a person. It can be just a goal in life that they have to accomplish. It can be something that they’ve been yearning for. It can also mean, simply having peace of mind. However, it also depends on whether you’re talking about being happy- as in a state of mind- or having happiness- something that’s more ‘eternal’.

People have claimed that being in their house, copped up for too long tends to make them depressed, passive or bored. They can do other things in that time, to make themselves happy- like listening to music or cleaning the house(if that makes them happy) but generally for people, group activties and socializing tends to bring this happiness. But even if don’t have group activities or aren’t too good at socializing, don’t think that you can’t be happy. People often assume external conditions will change for the better or let chance determine their response. Why not, instead, /you/ change the conditions instead? But of course, for that you have to know what you want.. Bringing us to the next subject…

Here comes the other question-so what about permanent happiness? Is there such a thing in the first place? I had the doubt a couple of times myself, especially after seeing how distressed majority of human beings are because of problems all around the world. I got my answer, moments later. Permanent happiness can be achieved only after attaining Self-realization. I do realize plenty of this all might seem to be so cliché to majority of you guys, but the truth is right there, and yet people chose to ignore and be oblivious to it all. Self-realization can help us understand who we are, which consequently makes us understand what we really want.

Majority of you must be scoffing by now. “Who we are? Of course I know that. I’m (insert name)” But wrong you are. This name is only a title given to identify your body, just as store names such as Care-four and Kroger are given simply to specify the store's presence. Who /you/ really are is what you are beyond those words, beyond all those labels given by you and others. Permanent happiness tends to come from within oneself while temporary comes from other sources- like people and objects.

Now see, I’m not going to bring God into this because not everyone believes in him. There are various thoughts about that concept in the first place and it’s a rather touchy topic, so I’m not even going to go there. However, eternal happiness doesn’t always mean Heaven/religion/God—for that matter. It could just mean being in the state of divine happiness. It depends completely on the belief, thinking process, and understanding of an individual. Divine happiness can be experienced by truly desiring it. It comes from within, when we understand its true meaning and worth. Negative emotions like greed, anger and such suppress this happiness since we’re so caught up in those negative emotions which seem to over take our lives. However, abandoning those negative feelings, seeks and recognizing the goodness in all that’s around you- as hard as that may be. Permanent happiness, enables us to face the ‘wrath’ of the world, every sorrow and misfortune that it attacks us with. It doesn’t mean that you’re oblivious about all that’s surrounding you- that you’re so involved in yourself that you don’t care about anyone else. It only means that you’re strong, in every aspect, so you’re able to tackle those things easier than usual.

All of this simply might seem too good to be true, and you might be saying that all of this is preposterous, but I really have met some amazing people who’ve reached this level of happiness and are blissful to the core. Where, literally, nobody can stop them at any point. No matter where they want to be and what they want to do. And I, of course, want to be in the list someday as well. And I definitely will be!

Now at this point, I’d love to write more about this and I could go on, forever and ever about something like this, but I’ll continue another time surely. Till then, don’t give up on your goal to attaining happiness!

In darkness and desolation fighting for a warm breath

It’s so strange how people are able to recognize and remember the people who were in the wrong and forget and accuse the people who were right. A genuine person might be curious about you and want to help you. He might be doing all in his power to help you, but to an extent, not to able to tolerate your prejudices and immaturity. And he might have not been able to help you in every possible way because he, too, has a life and other priorities. Does that make him a bad person, a ‘jerk’, a hypocrite? How so-- because if someone understands that, do explain.

Example two. What if there’s another person- a student who tries his/her (let’s stick with her) very best, but even that doesn’t seem enough? And sometimes, she is slightly outspoken due to the circumstances she is put in. Does that mean that the teachers/staff have the right to detain that student and refuse her needs just because her efforts weren’t enough as her full potential wasn’t able to be revealed?

What if a person really has no ulterior motives to getting close to you? What if she really does want nothing from you? Is it that hard to believe? You aren’t perfect, nor that great to be honest. It’s also your mindset and your delusional thoughts that lead you to think so. But in all honesty, especially character wise, I’ve met better. I’m no judge to say that I’m a better person than you, but I know for sure that you aren’t the best. Your words contradict your actions and your thoughts contradict your words. It isn’t that hard to be yourself, as long as you have some courage. As long as you’re in the one who’s in right-- who can put you down and accuse you of being in the wrong?

We’re hardly mature, grazing at the age of 18, but that doesn’t mean that we’re stupid either. Long gone were the times were crayons were broken instead of hearts and erasers were lost instead of friendship. Therefore, I hope with all my heart that you get exposed, someday, to the fact that there are bigger things in this world than just you and your problems.