Friday, September 05, 2008

Faith is a poor substitute for logic and reason.

It hurts. I mean it seriously hurts when the same topic and the same question is brought back every 10-15 days. I can't answer the question, but it's almost always directed to me and I can't ever give an answer to them. Their accusing eyes are hard to escape. It's as if they all want to taunt me for making this decision of mine, but what did I know? The one time when I wanted someone trustworthy, there was nobody to guide me. Sometimes they do, in front of strangers, assure the others that the decision made is a better choice as life there would be extremely hard, but I know the truth. It's all just fake. When the strangers leave, the same unhappy atmosphere will replace the one that was just there. Along came this other who isn't so close to me. A relative, but nevertheless, he isn't so close. He said it was okay and that life there would be better; everyone would be happier. Torn between the two worlds, I agreed with him and got a bit closer to him. Or so I thought. What did I know that he was just saying things and he didn't know any better? What did I know that once the decision would be made, I'd be regretting it every second day of the time I'm here? And then they all come and blame me. Some directly and some indirectly, but I understand what they mean to say- I've ruined their life and mine and well. They should have helped me, correct? But they believe that I should have asked them for help- only then would they know that I needed help. I was young and didn't know the truth about many others. Granted, I'm still young, but not as dense anymore. They, on the other hand, knew the truth about those people, so shouldn't they have guided me without me asking them? Perhaps they should have, but they didn't, so here I am and no matter what I feel, all those small little happinesses that sneak in their way just keep reminding me that if I didn't make that decision, they would have all felt happier.

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