Saturday, October 18, 2008

Heaven's gates refuse to open up for me.

There are so many people in the world- each one of them is a different individual, so in the end, why do they all try to copy each other?Why is it so that people must hide so much just to keep up their status or their reputation?Why is it that honestly is something that is extremely hard to find nowadays?Every person has feelings and values, so why is it that some people ignore them and still hurt another person intentionally?Why is it that because you're not like the next person around the corner you're labeled to be a bad person and automatically don't fit it.

Yeah. Me musing on life's little mysteries. Quite the headache I tell you and the answers are, as usual, never found. I must admit, this entire month has been extremely hectic and I'm not exagerrating one bit. Surprisingly, it's not only due to the fact that my cousins stayed in my house for three weeks. It might be the fact that things were slowly starting to sink inside and things were happening to me. Well, of course they were. That's the whole thing really. At times my life is so dramatic, I truly wish it wasn't. It's almost as if there are the Gods and Goddesses up there watching my life like it's a television show while being amused by it. Ha. Sounds rather depressing when I think about it that way actually.

Something actually hit me today- not counting the door, that is. The fact that I haven't actually been in Texas since an entire year. I'm not talking about a year since I actually stayed there. I'm talking about a year since I went on the little surprise trip I had to go there for business. If I count the time it's been since I moved, I think I'll get even more depressed and that definetely isn't the reason I'm writing this. Ha- a year an a half, or more, since I felt like I actually belonged somewhere. I shalln't bore you with anymore details though, considering you guys deserve more than that since I haven't updated in quite a while.

This year, we started talking our future. Now, that, folks, is a topic that I can ponder on for more than 8 hours and still fail to get an answer. I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future- at all. Everyone has just told me to do whatever I want and the whole thing is that I don't know what I want anymore, especially since I haven't exactly gotten what I've ever wanted- for the most part. Everyone keeps nagging at me- 'you should atleast have an idea of what you want to do'or 'time is running out'Well, you know the phrase- it's easier said than done? Well, it truly is because I actually had an idea back home. So don't get an idea that I've always been clueless and have been totally blank. Now, on the other hand, in this land I'm quite clueless though because whenever I think about something that I want to do in the future, I always run into a thick brick wall. A dead end. What am I to do? Think, think; they all say. It really doesn't help. The main reason is because my future is connected to someone else's. Only after this one person moves on in life- only then will I be able to actually have an idea of what I will be able to do in reality. I suppose the fact that this is one of the reasons my life and personality are completely spontanous. I can't help but wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing as there are pros and cons for everything- especially this situation.

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