‘ey! Hey, Hey Shawty! It's Your Birthday!

Yes, you heard it right. No, not that I'm /short/ or anything. But rather that it’s my birthday! Sure, it’s almost over (it being 11:35pm and all), but that won’t change the fact that I’m officially seventeen now. Yep, the one and the seven being smashed together to make a two-digit number. Of course it doesn’t feel any different, but it usually doesn’t feel any different. However, I know that I’m to supposedly be more responsible and mature now. After all, the more of those 365 days you live, the more things are placed on your shoulder, but it’s okay because life goes on. It’s another sign that you’re growing up and that things are changing.

I know things are changing. I look back at the events that took place 365 days ago and can’t help but smile. It was so different back then. All girls together. Most of them knowing about the day. Loud singing. Distribution of chocolate. Organization. Surprises. Unexpected calls. However, this year was different: disorganized, yet quite fun. Hardly any few, but it was okay. I’d rather have those genuine few than the whole horde of fake ones. I don’t need them. Expectations not being met up. Things that weren’t being expected happened. Food- junk food. Lots of it was included today. It was eventful- at school at least.
So I was supposed to paste up those two paragraphs you see above on my birthday itself, but I didn’t exactly get a chance to. Now, I start this third pargraph on the actual date it posts here- January 29th(At least that’s what it is where I live). As you would have guessed, January has been an extremely eventful month for me. To be honest, this year itself has been flying way too fast. Many people keep emphasizing on the fact that they can’t wait until July and until they graduate from their school and get to university. For some reason, I can’t agree with most of the crowd when it comes to something like this. Perhaps it’s because of the indecisiveness of majors or universities. Or maybe it’s just because I want to cling onto these memories and times and not let them go so quickly, but it’s not like I really have a choice now do I? Time waits for nobody; not you or me.

So my new year’s “resolution” of posting a blog entry every week didn’t work out, but it’s alright. It just seems like I haven’t had any time to gather all of my thoughts as a whole anyways. Honestly. My thoughts and mind feels like it’s scattered here, there and everywhere I can think of. A brief of what’s going on there just at this very moment- at almost 2 in the morning. Universities. Marketing. AIDA. Majors. Phone call. Random tune. Writing. School. Chemistry. Product. Stage. Members. Useless people. Unpunctual people. Middlesex university. India. Work. Tuitions. Catching up. Throwball. Starting to study. Religion. Sleep. Energy drink.
Yeah, but of course- those are only the things at the top of my head. If I want to think even deeper into what’s actually lurking inside my mind- I’ll go mad or get a headache; I want to stay away from such a thing at the moment.

So, I am going to face them. I’m going to face it. I can do it. Why in the world not? First part, it’s on a stage. Plus, it’s been ages since I tried and the fear is just within my mind anyways. Just count to ten in my mind and breathe; I’m sure I can do it. As for the second part, I can tolerate them because they’re humans too. Just because I have more preference over one kind than the rest does not mean that I hate the other kind. Because I don’t. That’s just lame and it puts me in the same category as these other stupid people- of where I refuse to be. Third part is probably the hardest [as it has to do with my /life/] and I’ve been procrastinating on this for exactly a month and one day now. I just don’t know how to put it into words when I pick up the phone and hear /his/ voice. What am I supposed to say? What if he starts accusing me? What if my tiny hopes get shattered too? As it is, I’m keeping them as low as I can because of what I was told yesterday. Keep your opinions, eh? I’m not blind, nor stupid. Just because one person doesn’t confront me doesn’t mean the other person won’t. This isn’t school, hon. This is reality. Forget the hopes too; it’s okay. It’ll happen. It will work. I will talk. I will see. I will make the decision. I will figure it out. I will sort things out. And right now, that's more important than anything. Almost anything, that is.

Because I’m me.

If I can’t do it for me. Who will?

Just A Word Of Assurance Or Two Is All I Need- Is That Too Much To Ask For?

Sometimes, I wish I hadn’t made such a decision of coming here. I did not have a complete decision in it, of course, but I could have at least tried to prevent it. This all- it’s eating me up inside. Decisions, lies and betrayal. How much more can it go on- I keep thinking and wondering about that and yet, I never get a reply back.

However, I got a reply back today. Just one small one and it made my heart sink because if I hadn’t supported that decision maybe things would have been better- just maybe. I wanted to let go- just end it all because it seemed to be so simple but I felt so guilty and bad saying that. I felt hurt thinking something like that and almost empty because it’s a part of my life and I can’t just leave it like that. It’s impossible so I shall hang on to my hope. I shall keep trusting in God and just having faith that things will be okay in the end. And I’m sure it will. It’s just a matter of trust and patience.

A combination of being frustrated confused, irritated- it’s no fun, I can guarantee you that. Granted, I’m a strong person so I know I’ll survive through it all. I will do my best and I will try to and I know that I can do it. What about him though? He’s alone and it’s so hard to reach at the place where he is. Trying to pick up the broken pieces, trying to glue it back together.. And only having the same thing happen the next day. Tell me, how much longer can this go on? But I know that no matter how many times I keep asking and repeating it, I won’t get an answer. Not yet.

Instead of saying that you’re fine and instead of just being so unclear and making me feel so distant from you, why didn’t you tell me the truth? I found out the answer, I really did. You trusted me- you really did love me. And you still do. You were trying to protect me- us. You’re not superman and I’m not naïve. I know this world and I know how things are. I wish- oh, I wish things could be how they were supposed to because you don’t deserve something like this. You really don’t.

I’m an open person- a person who lets free. A person who’s a small enigma, but if she wants to give in, she will. A candid person who can be hated and liked and who wants to just help others. That isn’t a sin, right? Maybe there’s just no place- no place in this corrupted world. But no. I cannot be like that other person. The one next to you being so diplomatic or two-faced, I cannot.

I’m not foolish, I can promise you that. I’m trying, I really am and I’m just hoping and wishing things would work out.. If I get stuck in the past and keep regretting things, nothing will happen. All I can keep doing is thinking about you and praying. If I do that, I’m sure everything will be okay. And things will be okay because God is with us. And he's guiding the way for us. He'll do what's best for us- he definetely will.