The Conflict of the 'Dreaded' Day

'Tomorrow', I'll no longer be a teenager. I'm going to be turning 20. Not overtly young, like some teenage girl but an age still youthful and not at all jaded. However, I'll no longer be able to use the excuse of 'being a teenager' anymore. I'll no longer be able to do whatever I wish without thinking about the consequences. I'll be an 'adult'- mature enough to take responsibilities for my actions, without being able to use the sentence: 'It wasn't my fault!' So, the question is: am I ready for it?

Twenty. It's the year of mixed emotions and I'm not sure whether to look forward to it, or dread it with all of my heart. Sometimes it feels like certain things are going to be expected of me as I become that age- firm decisions are going to be have to made. People are going to have to move on; infact -I'll- have to move on. Things aren't going to be the same and the premonition has been backed up by too much foreshadowing. I suppose the phrase 'growing up' will be having to be used quite a bit too. It won't be about 'wants' anymore- it'll be all about the 'needs'. 

From a young age, I constantly worried and thought about the future: that there was not enough time to think, not enough time to be- but here I am now, and it hasn't made a difference. The twenty years- or rather, the past 2-3 years have passed by in an instant. And the answer is still unknown- to all those many questions I've had in my head since childhood. The lingering thoughts and memories of 'true friendship,' late night outings and secret talks-oh, those carefree times- they all keep replaying in my mind, slapping me in the face and forced me to question whether all those things would ever occur again. There is a tiny sorrowful pain inside me because I know that I can never go back to that time where life seemed weightless- where 'we' could do whatever we wanted, wherever we wanted and whenever we wanted. 

But is it the time now, to pull myself back? Have I really been letting myself go too much? Instead of having a routine, my life has been like a stroll in the forest- having no clarity and hardly any direction. Everytime I find a certain direction, though, I end up at a dead end with nowhere to go; either that, or I find that I've ended up exactly where I started. I spend hours watching random youtube videos with my stack of book next to me, I go out extremely frequently- get yelled at the next day and still repeat it all over again. I procrastinated again this week- majorly. I barricade people who try to get too close to me. I'm stubborn as a mule. My deadlines are literally in a week.
Yeah.. And I'm not supposed to be intimidated or frightened about the thought of being an 'adult'. Totally. Still, I don't want to be daunted by the fact that things are currently changing in my life and going to keep changing. Losing touch with old friends; making new friends- getting close to some; drifting apart from others. Happy and sad; tired and weird; scared and excited; filled with mixed emotions. I'm bound to be a wreck of some sort- "a mixed bag of emotions- fear included" but I really don't want that to stop me. I don't want those 'what ifs' and '..but's to take over to such an extent that I'll be shying away from the experiences of life, no matter how unfamiliar it is. 

At the same time, I don't want to indulge myself in such a situation- put myself at risk so much that I feel trapped- as if I've fallen in a hole and can't find my way back up. Especially when I know a certain someone is so dependent on me- even if it's just a bit. Even if they're relying on someone else more, I know there's a small 'unrealized' expectation from their side in relation to me. Especially when I know that because someone else has 'messed up' so much that I'll have to stand tall and be their pillar of support- through the winds or the storms; through the sun or the rain. I just can't afford to lose myself in it, but when I'm personally undecided about the issue, I don't see how easily I'm suppose to do such a thing.

But heck- I'm almost 20, and I still don't know how to make tea, change a tire or start a fire. The only things I can probably 'make' are instant noodles and sausages. Government and politics are equivalent to latin to me(and let me tell you something: I dont know, nor understand a word of latin).I don't know how to blowdry my hair or put on mascara. I also still don't know CPR, or how to swim. And my 'skills' of networking are close to non-existent. 

So am I ready to be 20, as the original question was?

Not even CLOSE.

A ‘solution’ in which the solute and solvent are unknown

Jan 6^th: What needs to be understood is more than what can be explained. The rush of feelings, the concoction of emotions, the continuous expressiveness: they only end in continuous inner battles in which there seems to be no winner.

The main question seems to be what I want because that itself is unclear. Or perhaps it’s clear as crystal and the obstacles to achieve my ‘wants’ are far too large, and things simply aren’t in my control- atleast to a massive limit, they aren’t. My wants aren’t completely mine, after all; they’re to be shared with an opposite party and one has to come to a middle ground or compromise about their ‘wants’ because if it’s solely not mine, how can I be so selfish?  But is it really selfish to voice out my opinions and stand up for what I ‘want’? Is it really about selfishness though: does it mean that if I don’t share my wants then I’ll be the selfless one in this relationship? Does it mean that if I compromise myself to a large extent then I’ll be the selfless one? I highly doubt it.

It’s not like I’m scared of him or of his feelings; right now I’m more apprehensive of the whole situation because of –him- itself. The feelings are rather overwhelming (still), surprisingly. However, I think I’ve managed myself quite well due to certain circumstances and hormones that have decided to overcome other emotions. I reckon it’s a good idea to be wise at this point of time though, even though ‘instinct’ and ‘wants’ don’t really come in that category, do they? Neither does spontaneity. darn it.

Today: Just because I step a toe into the sea doesn't mean you have to push me into the entire sea. I think you're forgetting here that no matter what I've been through I still haven’t learned to swim- not yet at least. Still, with your weight and pressure, you've dunked me into the sea refusing to help me further. Independence, they call it. Stubbornness, they call it. To me, it's like a gem waiting out in the open- waiting for me to grab it. Should I take the opportunity and prove it to you what it really is? Once I’m pushed to such an extent, I can’t promise that I'll return back to land- back where you are. No guarantee at all.

 It’s aggravating and irritating for you to think that way about me. It’s a fact that you’re a  degrading, judgmental character but I didn’t think you’d go this far as to disregard my status in your life just because of mistakes made by you. However, I think I know where this is going and as tempted as I am to rile up a fight, I know it’ll be a silent one- one of the most deadly ones.

The 'Reality' of Life

“Change is inevitable”- whoever said that knew what they were talking about, but hopefully knew that most of the world wouldn’t be happy with that concept. I’m obviously inclusive in the ‘most’. If things transition in front of you in a positive way, it’s quite easy to embrace it since all you have to do is go with the flow. However, when everything’s drastically changing in a negative direction and you can’t do anything about it- let’s just say it sucks.

I’ll seek and keep searching, and yet not be able to find what I’m looking for. Now the question is: what exactly am I looking for? It could be the understanding of people around me, it could be the desire to gain more materialistically, or it could just be the solace of knowing that I’m not alone. If only it was that easy.. If only..The problem is when you have the question placed in front of you and you have neither the answer, nor a solution. You just have a blank chalkboard staring at you with its beady little eyes, waiting for an answer- waiting, as if there’s all the time in the world, when there really isn’t. 

14 minutes and 49 minutes. That’s all it took to end things. As for the other 5 and a quarter minutes and 28 minutes? I’m not sure what they were for- I reckon just to help in speeding up the absorption of thoughts. Things are said, words are exchanged but I have no choice but to just accept things. I’m unable to question why anymore- unable to question why…Situations like this make me wonder who exactly is capable of hurting who. Sure, there are some people in this world who are more open with their emotional self, but there are some who try and shut out that part of their life as much as they can. A barrier is put up so that they don’t acknowledge that side because it might not be as accepted as the other side is or it might portray them as vulnerable; in this world now, who wants to be considered as vulnerable- especially with the connotation of ‘weak’ it has linked with it. 

I genuinely never wanted to hurt anyone; infact, I never want to hurt anyone. I’m not such a saint though- I won’t say that I want to be hurt either; nor will I say that I’ve never ended up hurting people. I don’t understand how the label ‘good person’ could be given to me if I’ve ended up hurting a person. Why, if a person claims to be so genuine, would they would refuse to share their true feelings with me- is it because of the intimidation of the person not being on the same emotional scale? Why would you give up something so meaningful, if it meant anything to you in the first place- were there hidden motives in it from the start? Was I ever valued as a friend- even those 2 years ago? There are questions, lots of them but no room to ask them. There are no rights anymore, to ask such thing. 

I don’t want to accept things, but I will have to. I want happiness for myself and other people are entitled to it as well- even if I don’t believe in the term ‘compromise’ on a major scale. He(A) has a right to be happy, even a small bit and if I’m not permitted to be a part of it, so be it. Things are better this way- clarified, rather than unsaid or drifted from one another- wordless. It hurts; I’d agree, but it hurts me more to compare the pain I’ve given him rather than what he’s imposed on me. I simply can’t consider myself a ‘good person’ if I’ve ended up hurting him to such a massive extent that he hardly has any choice but to indirectly hurt me with a decision- a decision which might lead him to happiness. I just wish to apologize…because I wish it had been something mutual; I wish I could have given him what he deserved and I wish I could have been in that position where he would rather spill his guts out to me, in a sober manner- rather than seeking out acquaintances. But it’s his comfort- it’s his happiness. 

How much longer will this go on- these ‘changes’….These situations….These circumstances of which I can’t take control of….How much longer? (Being powerless is not something I’m rather fond of..)

Sinking at a location that lacks lifeguards

Yet again my heart feels restless but for a very strange, selfish reason. I know the reason and I know the cause but so far I have no solutions on hand. Honestly I'm not the type of person who could be a loner. Scratch that. If I had a choice, I'd never want to be cooped up in solitude. It's not because solitude brings about anti-socialness but rather, in my case, it's something that can drive me to the brink of madness or depression. Some claim the statement to be an over exaggeration but that's the hard core truth right there. Probably the most truthful I've been to myself the whole month. Thinking abt the past is a common cause in making individuals feel down, however, in my case the present could lead me to turning insane- it's like realizing all over again that you're a rabbit stuck in a hole that's too deep to jump out of and no matter what all your efforts are futile and you're trapped. The worse thing? I can hardly do anything about it because almost everything is out of my control. I hardly believe in ‘destiny,’ ‘fate’ and things of the sort, so when I find situations lay out in front of me of which I’m in no control over- where I can’t pick my own options, my brain starts becoming quite frenetic and irritated. I try and find an escape- I honestly do, but I feel like I’m running out of options now and one of the main things which I was clinging onto in this place are disappearing, making me feel all the worse. I haven’t given up yet, and I’m hoping never to, but for now I have to come up with some conclusions which I shall put into action and hopefully they'll work .And I really do before I revert into someone I can’t change back from.

Wishing and refusing to wait

My mind feels restless. So restless. I can feel sadness, yet again, making her place in my heart- weighing me down, like an elephant who’s far too hefty for it’s own good. I had a conversation with a person a few nights back and couldn’t help but wonder if I was too honest. Who would have thought that I would ever use the phrase as ‘too honest,’ right? However, sometimes in this country it really seems like a common used one. You lie and commit a sin; it’s completely stupid of you to do so because it can lead to the straining of a relationship. On the other hand, if you’re too honest won’t you just end up scaring away a person- making them drift away or back off? Who knows.

It irks me to a vast extent that we’re in the same grounds as one another and our communication is kept to a minimal; it honestly makes me wonder if I’m done something wrong. Being the person I am, starting a conversation isn’t a difficult task, but it makes me wonder if I have a right to anymore. More than being irksome though, it hurts. It hurts so much that all I can do is just watch you and listen to you and not just closer no matter what. It hurts.

“Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to a selfish motive. It is a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves. ” - Stephen Kendrick, The Love Dare

I wish I could eradicate a horrible trait that has developed within me for the past two or three years. I completely and utterly loathe it and wish it didn’t exist. Every time it rises I suppress it. Every single time. I just cannot let it release- I simply cannot, because I know how disastrous that could be, and all the consequences that could follow with it. I know the amount of relationships, close and far, that could be spoiled- which could be destroyed. I know how many people would vanish. I know how many people it would hurt. But God- it’s getting difficult. It’s getting so difficult to stop myself. And yet… Yet I’m tempted to take such a decision which would force me to tread on such precarious grounds.

I wonder if that’s because I have the chance of doing something good for once- even if it’s just a tiny bit- or whether I’m just stupid.

How many more mistakes will I make until I learn..

How many more people will I hurt until I change....

Like a Small Flicker Of Light That Can Burst and Light Up the Whole Town

It’s an overwhelming feeling when you know you’re being trusted so much; when you feel like that person’s heart is in your hand. The way a heart can be enveloped because of all the care.. It’s an especially overwhelming feeling when you don’t know what to do about such a thing. Sometimes you just want to take a leap- hoping that you won’t fall into a bottomless pit, and that there will be someone to catch you (if not, at least some form of concrete ground). Is it worth it? The thought seems so futuristic, but should it really matter, because end the end it’s only supposed to involve you and me, right? But it does matter somehow- it does. Live for the present; be what you are- true phrases to follow by. After all, ‘how do you know there’s going to be a tomorrow,’ you ask. How do you know, indeed..

I've made it clear that I refuse to compromise, or give up what I believe in. A bridge of which I've come to a standstill at, but I'm not going to chose between two things that are important to me. In the long run, it might be harmful, but for now, I just want a bit of freedom and I believe I've established that quite clearly. If you don't wish to believe me, I shalln't say anything in return, but it seems that we've come to an understanding so far, especially since you value my honesty. 

What you ask for though is a chance. A mere chance. A leap of faith. Is there a way that I might be able to give that after all- just a small one so that I can test the waters and not drown?

No matter what I just don’t want a repeat of what happened before. If it happens again, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to save myself. Still, I don’t ask for much in return at all. I’ll give you a chance- and perhaps a bit more. All I want in return is happiness. That's it- just happiness and honesty. Are you capable of giving me that? 

║ Those Rusted Chains of Reality║

Can you blame me if my mind is filled with irritation and rage? How would you feel, indeed, if your parents had a completely different image of you? If you were trying to portray an image of one who you were not, and they conceived a different image, then it’s a different story altogether. However, if you’re just being your real self with no hidden intentions; while being completely pure, you’re being accused of atrocious things- well, it’s not really such a justified thing then is it?

In my opinion, that’s basically what happened to me. To be honest, I’m the type who loves things told to me bluntly. Sure, I might be a bit taken back by one’s words because that’s quite natural, especially when it comes to an insult, but honest words are just that way and I can’t change them. However, when they’re utter nonsense, what am I to think in return?

It’s ridiculous- especially when I replay any of their words in my mind. What do they want from me, I’m not sure anymore. I try, in almost everyway to try to make them happy; it seems now I’m slipping up from that in some departments. Is it because I’m drifting off a bit away from them and becoming a little independent? Funny, I always thought that it was a good thing.

Just when I thought one thing, and started to admire one, because of such an incident, my respect for that person would slip. How can you even think of me as such a person? I might not be the brightest person on planet earth, but I’m not the stupidest. I might be tempted to get carried away at times, but sometimes I just want to be stuck in a dream; is it necessarily a bad thing? Perhaps so. But my feet still remain on the ground as I know what I want- I know what I’m doing, for the most part. All my decisions might not be right. I might not be perfect. I might not be ideal daughter, but can’t you just cut some slack for me? When it comes to something like that, I’ve tried to push all my thoughts and tried to suppress my voice, but it’s so hard to when your words are filled with nothing but presumptions and rubbish.

Nevertheless, here comes a crossroad where I have to weigh people who are important to me, who are my priority- versus my own judgement and stance in life…

                Wish I didn’t have to pick because either way, I feel like I’m going to be losing something, or worse—someone.