A Not-So Small, Yet Small Gap

It's like no matter how much the attempt, you can't get the feeling out from your mind and heart. No matter how much you try to divert your attention away from those thoughts, they keep creeping back onto your mind. Just a weekend was enough for the gist of the feeling to spark- imagine if the separation goes on for weeks and years.. to the extent that it's face would be blurry in my memory- to the extent that I would have lost a friend without even the realization moment hitting me. Was it a friendship in the first place or a relationship of convenience- the question strikes once again. Was it possible for one person to deceive the entire batch into thinking that they were best friends, or even more? Perhaps so, or maybe people just saw the surface of it all. Not what was under those layers, beneath the broken smiles and lifeless eyes.

To Be That Plastic, Barbie Is Probably The Best Role-Model. And She’s Not Even Real or Animate.

I don’t like people who degrade or insult their friends in front of others. Even if I had to correct you or insult you, I wouldn’t do it in front of everyone else because their image of you would be lowered. I believe that friends and family have similar points in plenty of ways. I mean when you’re talking about your family to other people, you wouldn’t expose all of their flaws and their issues, would you? It’s pretty much the same case when it comes to friends, according to me. Why do you have to insult your friends in front of others anyways? To show that you know your friends better than others? To lower the standards of what other people think of your friends? To higher the mental standard of what other people think of you?

So it’s not like I don’t want to be all active and social, but if it means being like them, no thank you. I’m the kind who can’t compromise her morals for anything. Flattering adults endlessly. Being overfriendly to people of the opposite gender. Pretending to be interested and hanging onto every word an acquaintance says so intently. Plastering a smile on your face and making sure that it remains that way the entire day regardless of the actual state of your emotions and heart. I’m sorry, but there’s no way I can do all of that and debase my true self that badly. To me, it just seems absolutely senseless and idiotic for someone to compromise their true self, personality or mindset just because-they want to be friends with everyone, want people to ‘follow’ them and be on their side or want to be a people pleasure.

Which brings me to my next point. I really don’t understand how people can fake their way through everything. Even though they’re miserable and depressed inside, they smile like fools pretending that everything is okay when it’s definitely not. How stupid indeed. Do they think that just because they pretend to be happy that they’re actually going on be happy later on- that things are actually going to be all dandy at the end? If so, many people out there are quite delusional. They’re clearly living in a fairytale world because things do not work that way- not in reality at least. What’s the point of smiling from the outside if you’re gloomy from the inside anyways? It's not like it's going to make you internally feel any better.

Which brings me to my next point. I really don’t understand how people can fake their way through everything. Even though they’re miserable and depressed inside, they smile like fools pretending that everything is okay when it’s definitely not. How stupid indeed. Do they think that just because they pretend to be happy that they’re actually going on be happy later on- that things are actually going to be all dandy at the end? If so, many people out there are quite delusional. They’re clearly living in a fairytale world because things do not work that way- not in reality at least. What’s the point of smiling from the outside if you’re gloomy from the inside anyways? It's not like it's going to make you internally feel any better. I do understand that people are against others pitying them, but then you don’t need to explain everything to them. Simply show you true emotions, who you are and what you are. That itself is good enough. And honestly, it’s not that difficult. After all, the best judge is life is yourself and God- not anybody else.

Because it’s not just all about you

So I disliked my last blog post, a lot. It just didn’t seem to personify me at all- like how my blog posts usually tend to. That fact irritated me to such an extent that I was even tempted to delete my last post, but I forced myself not to do such a thing. For now at least.

School hasn’t been the greatest experience in the world, but I’m learning how to deal with it. It’s hard to believe that just in 2.5 months of not seeing some people, they’ve changed so much. And not all that change is exactly good. Some people have become more distant, others more selfish. Some so caught up in their world of ‘popularity’, seeming to prioritize socializing and popularity over their real friends. It’s sad actually. Very sad. Confronting those people or questioning those people would have been quite a good idea, I thought at first, but then should I really be the one to tell them so? Should people, at the age of 18, be so oblivious to the fact that they’re changing in a negative way or drifting away or being absolutely stupid? And also, who am I to point out everything to them- about what happened to them, their change, the different personality that I’m now seeing in them? Sure, I’m supposed to be his/her good/close friend, but to pinpoint so much just seems to be rather selfish and a bit too reprimanding. Hello—try to grow up and not be so oblivious in your own little, fake happy world which you’re trying to make seem so flawless and filled with absolute joy.

I’m not saying that I’m completely the same of how I was 3 months ago because things have happened this summer to change parts of my viewpoints and my mindset. But to say that I’ve undergone a huge change- especially a totally bad one is a wrong statement. People usually deny when they’re accused of something or when their negative points are pointed out but I wouldn’t do such a thing—much. I understand that it’s human nature to do so because who wants to hear their faults and flaws spoken aloud? But still, I personally find it impractical to deny such a thing when that’s what I actually am or when it really is my fault.

So change is inevitable- it’s something that happens whether we like it or not, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t mould it in a way which would be positive for us and our live. Of course we can do that. The only difference is that some people are too thick to notice that things around them are changing and they’re changing—and I’m not talking about a positive change either. And sometimes, it can get quite irritating and yet we’re forced to put up with those people or situations. How sad.

Go! Go! Feel the Power Which Is Locked Within You.

Looking back on my old blog posts always tends to bring a smile on my lips as I compare them to how things are now. How things have changed, how situations have changed and how I have changed. I'm not the kind who walks into the room and blares out that she has changed, but I know internally that I'm in the transition state of that and I've already changed in plenty of ways. Of course, some negative and some positive.

I believe that every thought we think is creating our future. Each one of us creates out experiences by our thoughts and our feelings. The thoughts we think and the words we speak create our experiences. We create the situations and then we give our 'power' away by blaming the other person for our frustration or emotion. It might be just a small idea or thought, but once it's there. It's there. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed, fully understood. That sticks in your head and refuses to get out until get it out in some form-whether it's verbally or physically.

One of the revelations being, after going through a few things in life. We’re not prisoners of walls, we’re prisoners of our own fears. And that type of captivity is much worse. We can’t even imagine how we could break free. All we know is that we’re facing an obstacle we can’t overcome. We take that obstacle for granted, we accept it, we even think we deserve it. By shame, by guilt or by social pressure. Until we can’t stand it anymore and take the courage to kill our own fears. Every time you kill one of your fears, something will go away from you too. Hopefully, the negative part of it-- like the guilt or depression that's dragged along with the fear. So don't just say "I can't"or "it's too hard"-- why to get over it. Try to kill and overcome that fear and obstacle. You're not the only one in the world going through it.

So, I played four of my most favorite Japanese songs with headphones on and listened to them while singing along. It felt fantastic, to say the least. Surprisingly, although I hadn't heard the three songs in a really long time, I managed to sing the words and pronunciations almost perfectly while taking a glance at the romanji lyrics here and there. Especially when it came to this one song which used to be my absolute favorite song from all the Asian languages there are existent though. Singing that song did not only make me feel happy, but peaceful and wonderful. For some reason, when it comes to these songs, it doesn't matter whether I haven't a clue what the singers are singing about in particular. The tone of their voice, the way their voice flows over the words and the pronunciations of certain things-- it's like you don't need to even have a translator to understand the emotions and what they're trying to portray by the song. It's marvellous.

Never Back Down Because The Hurdles Are Higher Than Your Physical Height- They're Never Too High For Your Internal Strength.

Hey guys. So, I’ve been kinda stuck in my head lately. And it’s not always that fun. And it’s getting insane. I’ve pretty much been consumed by the internet, for the past 3 months. I feel like I’m just losing time- have no idea how time’s going by like this. In June, I had preoccupied myself with going out as much as I could. In a way, I was escaping everything that I shouldn’t have escaped, but it was alright because it was satisfactory. And I don’t regret it. In July, I toned down my outings and tried to be with my family more, but I didn’t spend at much time in my thoughts like I should have. But anyhoo- that’s beside the point. I wanted to blog today considering it’s been a while. So here I am now.

So. I try to avoid sleeping. Perhaps it’s because it’s a habit or maybe it’s because I think that if I sleep, I’ll be wasting my summer vacation. I mean otherwise I could be watching another episode of a series, chatting with a friend, reading a book—doing something. However, sleep is necessary. What I’ve realized though, is that I love sleeping, but going to sleep is something that’s definitely not on my list of ‘happiest things to do’—not that there is a genuine list in the first place.

Raksha Bandhan is tomorrow. For those who don’t know what is it, it’s a hindu festival which basically celebrates the relationship between brothers and sisters. The festival is marked by a sister tying a holy thread called a rakhi, to the brother’s wrist. The brother, in return, offers his sister money or a gift and says that he’ll protect her and all (whatever he wants to really). And the sister gives the brother sweets—mainly methai(which are Indian sweets). And he feeds her some too, traditionally. So the thing is that we celebrate it every year and all, so it’s usually pretty cool, but the thing is that I’m slightly more excited for it this year because it’ll be the first year in plenty that both my brothers will be here with me. Granted, my older brother shall only be there till the afternoon as he has other things to attend to, but his presence—for a few hours even—is satisfactory enough for me.

So I was thinking this a few days ago- like 1-2 days ago actually, considering I went to Diyafah for admission and things didn’t work out there. Considering the grades I got in my AS level examinations (which would have made an extremely depressing blog post) I’m not all too sure whether I’ll get admission into my current school . Now see, I would like admission into my current school because life would be more convenient for me. Granted, my teachers would be all disappointed at me, but that’s a different story. So what if I don’t get admission into my current school. Then what? Obviously, my life shaln’t be over. I could do all my subjects privately (although it would be quite demotivating and enhance my laziness) or I could take up a fulltime job for one year somewhere and earn some money. Both options seem to be more tempting than just rotting at home, don’t they? Of course they do because I’ll actually be somewhat productive if I chose to do any of those. So, yes, my life won’t be over.. But I’d still prefer if I got admission in my other school.

So yeah, that’s it for today basically. I did have plenty to write about considering I hadn’t updated in like quite a while, but because of the time, I think I shall continue on another time. After all, I'm supposed to wake up early tomorrow so that I could have a head start on things.

What Do I Do When The Broken Wind Vane Can No More Show Me The Directions?

This post is technically for the 24th or 25th of June but I didn't have access to a computer at that time, so I just jotted this one a piece of paper. I thought it'd be nice to transfer it over here, to my blog. After all, that’s what my blog is for, right? My thoughts, my emotions, my rants- basically everything that’s mine. I wanted to put a banner up here stating that people who take offence should probably not read my blog, but I’ll probably just do that another time. And yes, I take no credit for the title this time since Naina made it for me, considering that my creative juices are extremely low at the moment.

If you have friends who don’t understand you or the situation, what’s the point of having them? I cancelled the plans I had with one because I needed to go out with family. That person should understand, but instead, in return, I receive a hate SMS while that very person ignores my calls and messages. I tried. I honestly did in every manner that I possibly could. It was then that realization moment struck me. I’m better than that. Why should I bow down so much, to the extent that it’s easy for someone to kick me down again? What I was before, when I arrived at this country, was an amazing person with tons of optimism, hope and light. Now things are different, I realize that. However, I still want to keep a huge piece of my true self intact. I refuse to throw away my prioritizes or give away my true self just to fit in or be cool. Why should I anyways? So then I figured that it’s his loss because I’m absolutely sick of this.

And then, it was her. I thought that maybe she could understand and help me out a bit. Things were going haywire over here, but I was never the one to holler out for help—well, rarely. So I sent a simple text message to her to help me with a task. Instead of a “how are you” or “are you okay” or anything of that sort, as a reply, I merely received a declination. I thought she, from all the people, could realize something was wrong from the vocabulary/words I had used in the message, but perhaps I was expecting too much in the end after all.

There were two more incidents that occurred as well- two incidents I wasn’t expecting to occur. The whole thing made me rethink things a little bit more. Do I even have any genuine friends after all? What is the meaning of genuine? Am I expecting too much from this country? Am I expecting too much from human beings? Is it possible to get what I want anymore? Am I started to become too selfish? Should I even bother anymore? So many questions of which I have yet to find the answer for.

It's easy to be oblivious. The easy way out doesn't work. Open your eyes.

I’m starting to lose hope in myself because of the way my papers have been progressing so far. There’s no point of saying that they’ll eventually get better because they’re not getting any better. Infact, they’re probably just getting worse. I’ve had most of my papers by now and every single one of them has been awful- if not worse. Ironic part is that I was expecting the first four to be the best of the 9 papers I’m taking because in general, those 4 were not too bad. But, no. This year..things just had to change.

So imagine what’s going to be happening to me when it comes to the remaining 3 of my papers- which are already difficult papers as it is. The thought terrifies me- especially since there’s hardly anytime between these exams and hardly any time to study for them.

See, I had time between my first and second paper, so I had time to recover from the horribleness of the paper and move on, but I had physics paper 1 on the 19th which was supposed to be good( and it wasn’t even close to that) so all I could do was hope that on the 20th, my chemistry paper 3 would go better, but NOO. That one had to go and be screwed up as well. Sure, I finished all my experiments, but the calculations were impossible for me to do as I hadn’t the faintest ideas of how to do them. And of course, my graph was SO weird and I was SO paranoid about them that I thought that I did it wrong and left it blank in the end. And guess what? It turned out that the awkward graph was apparently right. And then the anion test—well, I just HAD to mess up in that too, didn’t I? Well, what could I do? Carbonate was SUPPOSED to be present, but good ol’ me got absolutely no effervescence. And don’t say I didn’t try or pay attention because I repeated that very experiment three entire times.

And stupidly, everywhere you were supposed to put ‘ppt’, for cation, I put ‘solution’ as I wasn’t in the right phase of mind—clearly. Needless to say, I really messed up. So when I returned back home from school, I was fuming with anger because this girl who bawled her eyes out got 20-35 extra minutes apparently, just because she tried and claimed that her experiment wasn’t “working” and the teacher had pity of her. Oh. What.Ever. I’m /so/ sorry that I can’t fake cry like those people. I don’t have those type of wondrous skills!

Upon that, I felt extremely irritated because people who finished the paper or who did really well were still complaining about their paper—about three-four petty marks. I mean seriously! It irks me to no end. I just feel like telling them to get over themselves. And these people who were complaining were the kind who always,somehow, end up getting “A”s in the end.

Oh, and the physics paper. I thought it was okay. It wasn’t that great because I found out many things, at the end, which I never knew about. I mean constants have units? Gradient has a unit—wait whaat? So I was a bit confused, but besides that, I thought it was okay. That was, until. I came out of my centre and we started discussing about it. It turned out that almost every single one of my answers varied from my classmates’. What a confidence booster, eh? Sure, George told me that if you have the working right and all that, then you’ll still get the marks, but really? How can that even be possible when most of my answers are totally different from other people. Funny thing is that I haven’t a clue of what I actually did wrong because I checked most of my working. Twice.

Today too, I had my biology paper 1 and it went horrible. Seriously, I’m beginning to sink in this mode where I’m just like ‘what’s the point anymore’ because really- what is? I mean I studied hard, I truly did and I did every single one of the question papers which were available to me, but it seemed like there was still no point. Because guess what? In the end, the paper sucked. It was horrible. And of course, there were these handful of people who I can count off who were simply complaining (before AND after the paper) that they were sure to get bad marks and that they were completely unprepared for such a paper. Yeah. Right. Give me a break already.

I’m not trying to be overdramatic or anything because I’m honestly /not/. But you see, when you actually try really hard, study a lot, do whatever you can in your capacity and then these are the results you get? Well, you automatically start to feel really down. And more than feeling depressed—although the feeling of being down in the dumps IS there, I’m just extremely frustrated at myself.

And now, I have the predicted, worst, papers coming up.

Let’s see. Let’s see. How much worse can I do? Not much right? Considering all that’s been done.

But wait. Let’s not ask that question still. Or come to a conclusion because I think I can prove you wrong with how much worse things could still go considering it’s me you’re talking about.