Looking Beyond the Surface to Find Something More

It’s so ironic I’m writing this right now, after now horrible I was feeling a few hours ago. But all that had vanished as I started listening to music. At first, it was the same music- just listening to the kind which helped me escape from my thoughts. Those hyper, incomprehensible songs which just lifted my spirits up almost immediately. Then I started listening to the other kind, moments later, the ones which actually made me think. The gears in my head started moving so quickly, the thoughts kept coming and coming. The beat of the rhythm and the voices—how powerful and /meaningful/ they were—some of them even succeeded in bringing goose bumps to my arms.

Music is rather amazing isn’t it? According to any mood you’re in, it can match with it. (In this case, I’m referring to English music as most people reading this/if any would probably know English songs) You want to be happy, want to start dancing- start listening to songs like Stereo Love or Who’s that Chick. If you want stay in that calming mood, listen to Azure Ray. If you want to listen to something perky of the such, there’s Owl City. If you’re frustrated and want to get it all out, listen to heavy metal or a rock song. If you want something that isn’t too hard and yet is on the rock side, There’s Nickelback. If you want to listen to something inspirational, there’s Pink or What are Words by Chris Medina. If you want to listen to something meaningful, yet rap there’s Eminem and Immortal Technique. No matter where you’re from, no matter what species, race, gender you are, music is the answer to it all.

Which brings me to my next topic. One thing that seems to be rather difficult to achieve in this world now is happiness. As we grow older, it gets harder and harder to achieve—or is it just you? The desires keep rising- wanting a house, wanting a car, wanting a family, wanting money. But before he get started I wanted to make it clear-- wanting to become happier is /not/ a selfish pursuit. Happier individuals are more likely to go out of their way to aid and support others. Second, don’t think that happiness will just /come/ to you. You can create the situation or opportunity. And even with just your thinking, you can be happy. Wanting to be happy isn’t something superficial or shallow- believe it or not—but people would rather opt to go out and take up swimming classes instead. If you think about it, human beings basically only of manipulating the external world; they never stop to examine themselves. Sure, in this ‘fast-paced’ world, who has the time? But if you have the time for yoga, movies, reading and your dancing classes, how can it be so different to put some time aside for yourself?

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

Happiness can mean many things to a person. It can be just a goal in life that they have to accomplish. It can be something that they’ve been yearning for. It can also mean, simply having peace of mind. However, it also depends on whether you’re talking about being happy- as in a state of mind- or having happiness- something that’s more ‘eternal’.

People have claimed that being in their house, copped up for too long tends to make them depressed, passive or bored. They can do other things in that time, to make themselves happy- like listening to music or cleaning the house(if that makes them happy) but generally for people, group activties and socializing tends to bring this happiness. But even if don’t have group activities or aren’t too good at socializing, don’t think that you can’t be happy. People often assume external conditions will change for the better or let chance determine their response. Why not, instead, /you/ change the conditions instead? But of course, for that you have to know what you want.. Bringing us to the next subject…

Here comes the other question-so what about permanent happiness? Is there such a thing in the first place? I had the doubt a couple of times myself, especially after seeing how distressed majority of human beings are because of problems all around the world. I got my answer, moments later. Permanent happiness can be achieved only after attaining Self-realization. I do realize plenty of this all might seem to be so cliché to majority of you guys, but the truth is right there, and yet people chose to ignore and be oblivious to it all. Self-realization can help us understand who we are, which consequently makes us understand what we really want.

Majority of you must be scoffing by now. “Who we are? Of course I know that. I’m (insert name)” But wrong you are. This name is only a title given to identify your body, just as store names such as Care-four and Kroger are given simply to specify the store's presence. Who /you/ really are is what you are beyond those words, beyond all those labels given by you and others. Permanent happiness tends to come from within oneself while temporary comes from other sources- like people and objects.

Now see, I’m not going to bring God into this because not everyone believes in him. There are various thoughts about that concept in the first place and it’s a rather touchy topic, so I’m not even going to go there. However, eternal happiness doesn’t always mean Heaven/religion/God—for that matter. It could just mean being in the state of divine happiness. It depends completely on the belief, thinking process, and understanding of an individual. Divine happiness can be experienced by truly desiring it. It comes from within, when we understand its true meaning and worth. Negative emotions like greed, anger and such suppress this happiness since we’re so caught up in those negative emotions which seem to over take our lives. However, abandoning those negative feelings, seeks and recognizing the goodness in all that’s around you- as hard as that may be. Permanent happiness, enables us to face the ‘wrath’ of the world, every sorrow and misfortune that it attacks us with. It doesn’t mean that you’re oblivious about all that’s surrounding you- that you’re so involved in yourself that you don’t care about anyone else. It only means that you’re strong, in every aspect, so you’re able to tackle those things easier than usual.

All of this simply might seem too good to be true, and you might be saying that all of this is preposterous, but I really have met some amazing people who’ve reached this level of happiness and are blissful to the core. Where, literally, nobody can stop them at any point. No matter where they want to be and what they want to do. And I, of course, want to be in the list someday as well. And I definitely will be!

Now at this point, I’d love to write more about this and I could go on, forever and ever about something like this, but I’ll continue another time surely. Till then, don’t give up on your goal to attaining happiness!

In darkness and desolation fighting for a warm breath

It’s so strange how people are able to recognize and remember the people who were in the wrong and forget and accuse the people who were right. A genuine person might be curious about you and want to help you. He might be doing all in his power to help you, but to an extent, not to able to tolerate your prejudices and immaturity. And he might have not been able to help you in every possible way because he, too, has a life and other priorities. Does that make him a bad person, a ‘jerk’, a hypocrite? How so-- because if someone understands that, do explain.

Example two. What if there’s another person- a student who tries his/her (let’s stick with her) very best, but even that doesn’t seem enough? And sometimes, she is slightly outspoken due to the circumstances she is put in. Does that mean that the teachers/staff have the right to detain that student and refuse her needs just because her efforts weren’t enough as her full potential wasn’t able to be revealed?

What if a person really has no ulterior motives to getting close to you? What if she really does want nothing from you? Is it that hard to believe? You aren’t perfect, nor that great to be honest. It’s also your mindset and your delusional thoughts that lead you to think so. But in all honesty, especially character wise, I’ve met better. I’m no judge to say that I’m a better person than you, but I know for sure that you aren’t the best. Your words contradict your actions and your thoughts contradict your words. It isn’t that hard to be yourself, as long as you have some courage. As long as you’re in the one who’s in right-- who can put you down and accuse you of being in the wrong?

We’re hardly mature, grazing at the age of 18, but that doesn’t mean that we’re stupid either. Long gone were the times were crayons were broken instead of hearts and erasers were lost instead of friendship. Therefore, I hope with all my heart that you get exposed, someday, to the fact that there are bigger things in this world than just you and your problems.

Missed Connections

I couldn’t figure out the reason why I stopped writing and I still can’t. It wasn’t because I knew that there were people out there reading (-waves to invisible readers-) and judging me. It wasn’t because I had no time either. Perhaps it was because I couldn’t find a point in it. ‘What’s the point anymore?’ That phrase has always gotten me nowhere in life and it even managed to deviate me from something I really liked doing- writing.

So as to overcome that ridiculous, completely pointless thought I’m going to resume writing here. I’m not going to force myself anymore, but I’m not going to stop myself either. Even if people are judging me, if they don’t want to come out and say it, it’s their fault. Even if I’m incapable of letting out my thoughts by a mere keyboard, I shall try to do whatever I can because I’ve realized that I’ve never gained anything by giving up the things I liked doing. Which also included sketching, socalizing, skating-- and things of the sort.

Granted, it might not be the best time for me to do so considering the fact that in a few days my final exams are coming up, but when’s there a ’right’ time for anything really? I’ve been pondering on plenty of thoughts- the same thoughts- for the past few months and they continuously replay through my head, not allowing me to make a firm decision about what, indeed, I’m going to be doing in the near future.

For a person like me to be stumped over such a thing is strange because I loved taking risks, chances and doing what I wanted, but what changed in the midst of these years that I haven’t been able to take a firm decision? Perhaps it was the fact that one decision, which was made 3 years ago, changed my life in a not-so-happy way and I refuse to let that happen again. That probably is the reason, yes. But that shouldn’t stop me; not at all. I can’t predict what’s going to happen to me in the future, so why am I hesitant? Perhaps it’s because I know that one mistake of mine will continue to be emphasized over for years, taunting me every day of my life. Just like how the decision of 3 years ago sometimes still does.

But I want to break that. I wish to start somewhere. Bring home what I can and work to my potential, not letting people and their fake ‘sincerity’ and such get in my way. A person I know told me once. “To get somewhere you have to first start somewhere.” And that’s just what I’m doing to do. Even if things don’t go according to how I want them to go, somehow or the other I’m going to make it through. I know I am and I know I will.

Let's Set This Stage on Fire

I’m not sure what happened between us. It seemed like when we were apart, things were so much better. Our friendship was better. Once we met, things seemed to have changed. You wanted to be with other people. You didn’t want to talk to me as much. You seemed to want to drift apart and I know that you aren’t stupid- I know that this is all willingly from your side. One thing confuses me though is the reason to all of this. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to let someone else as close either. But I decided that I’m not going to push myself towards that person anymore. Because I care for her, I’m going to give her the space she wants and let her do whatever she wishes. In the end, it’s okay because, I hope that she gets the happiness. Even if it isn’t in our friendship.

What I wouldn’t give to bring us back to what we were. Sure, I was hurt by you, but the feelings that come with those treasuring moments and wonderful times I had with you overtake the pain. Atleast once in a day, I can’t help but make a connection to you, whether it’s subconsciously or not. Whether it’s a small or big one. I just can’t seem to help it. And yet I know that there’s no way that things can get back to normal.Back to how they were before, at least. But things have changed within my heart- that’s for sure. Even if it’s just a bit.

I wish the answer would just come to me. I realize I might have not been trying as hard to find an answer on my own, but what if I never end up finding one? It’s not even about being good enough for it. What if I’m just not suitable for any of it? What if the decision I make ends up putting me in a wrong position? Just like the decision that was made three years ago. Everytime a topic similar comes up, I can’t help think how different it would have been otherwise- if three years ago the decision was different. I only hope that I can continue to find something to look forward to look for in the future. If that one thing is shattered, I just might go out of control-- and not in the best way possible.

On another note, so far, school isn’t too bad, surprisingly. Perhaps it’s wise to mention here that the naptime in school feels awesome as well. Granted, I’m a person who can sleep almost anywhere, but that’s a different story. I guess my theory was right that if I had only taken two subjects- Chemistry and Physics, my life wouldn’t have been as stressful as it is now. Unfortunately, I’m sure that my Biology teacher is bound to come back to class in a week or so. As they say, everything good must come to an end.

Fortunately, this blogpost hasn’t come to an end. Not yet. I’m actually super excited about this coming week. Surprisingly, it’s not because my birthday is coming up. Rather, it’s because of a way sillier reason. The fact that I might get to see a proper India/Sindhi Marriage. True, I did get to see my cousin’s marriage, but some parts of it were pretty different, according to my mother. So, let’s see how it goes. Downfall, however, is the whole desi outfits and girlness? Yeahh, not so appealing, but let’s see how it goes this time around. : )

Lingering Feelings & Tumbling Thoughts

Too early. Too freaking early in the morning for all these thoughts to be running through my head. Each time I try and successfully escape those thoughts, they try to sneak back in every chance they get. Confronting certain thoughts and people, at this stage, might be a good idea as I would come to a solid decision and finally make up my mind about plenty of things. However, it’s not possible for me to confront certain situations, even if they are lingering feelings which don’t allow me to totally close the chapter. For example, I might have pushed that person away from my life as much as possible because they’re not supposed to be worth it anymore. Because our friendship isn’t what it was and I can’t keep forgiving things like this. No matter how easy it is for me to forgive things and forget them, some things aren’t supposed to be forgotten it seems. But then when I think about our past together, the things we shared, the silly things we had in common- I can’t help but wish to revive those moments and wonder if it was worth losing you. Perhaps it was. Perhaps it was time for me to move on. Even if I’m gone from your life, it shouldn’t make a difference to you because it was bound to happen sooner or later. The only thing is that this all occurred way sooner than I thought it would. But to this date, it still kinda bothers/hurts me that you did that. And it seems like you don't care or feel even the slightest guilty at all.

"Never Make Someone a Priority, When all you are to them is an Option." -Unknown

‘A’ said that there’s no way I could completely forget about you. It’s not a total bummer because all those times with you made me experience things and learn things that I probably wouldn’t have otherwise. Of course, you helped me further emphasize my train of negative thoughts about ‘love’, but it’s okay. However, it can be quite the bummer at times because you’ve clearly moved on with the rest of the girls in your circle, with your oh-so-busy life and with every thing else that continues to keep you on your toes while making me nothing but a mere memory for you. I only wish that the past memories didn’t continue haunting me every time a similar situation came up.

"I never knew it would be this hard to lose someone I never truly had." -A Human Being whose name I cannot find

I had a small hope, I guess, that things would be the same if we met this time as well. I mean it’s always been like that. We’ve hung out for hours, talked endlessly, had plenty of fun and then had a huge break between seeing each other again due to circumstances and whatnot. This time, however, things seemed to be different. Atleast to me, it seemed. I couldn’t place my finger on it exactly but some thing was different. Maybe it was the fact that you’ve changed and are developing into a new person. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve changed and can’t seem to agree with you on everything you say or do even though you’re my friend.I suppose you, as a friend, but i don’t agree with your decision and actions. But i’ve realized, and convinced myself, that no matter how much I care for you that it’s okay as you’re the one who has to face the consequences. Making up excuses just because you want to do something is fine if you really want to do it, but in the end I guarantee you that it’s not going to get you anywhere. But from thinking now, I’ve realized that it’s not you who’s changed or even me. It’s us. The thing we call our ‘friendship.‘

"We've all grown up, and there's no denying that. But it's tough to tell if in that growing up, we've simply grown apart."- Unknown.

Hm. It's sad. The people who are 'unknown' or not famous are the ones whose quotes best matches these situations and hose quotes I totally agree with.I suppose it's not the name that matters in the end anyways.

♠ You don't know what you got, until it's Gone ♠

Warning: Yes,It is a another rant. Two posts in less than a month, what a miracle, right? Names will not be disclosed here or in reality- I gave enough hints as it is. If you don't care or understand this post(which wouldn't be a surprise to me) skip the post, or do whatever makes you human beings satisfied.

I still get frustrated when I think about him.
All that time I put in, and then it all falls down .. ?
It makes me cringe. I was so stupid.
I know he's changed. I hope he's doing better.
I think things are better now. For him at least.
It wasn’t meant to be. I should have known that.
You and me are finished. I can’t continue.
I’m almost glad I stopped myself in the past.
I don’t want to know what could have happened in the future.
It would have hurt more. Right?
-----------------------------------------------
Was it all just another facade of yours?
You’re getting better by those day by day.
You know you’re flawed, claiming that you don’t know the good in yourself.
All I do is reassure, but now I’m thinking back on my words.
What is friendship to you? Am I just another part of the crowd for you?
The part that spills out their guts to you and gets nothing in return?
The one that tells you what ever is on her mind and then gets talked about behind her back.
By you? If so, I don’t want this anymore. I can keep you as an acquaintance, like before
I can push you back to where you should be. It might hurt a bit.
But I’ll get over it eventually. Maybe you’d be more satisfied then.
Will you be?
------------------------
Judgments on this? I don’t care to be honest.
It’s my space. It’s my own little bubble.
People want to flame, comment, go ahead.
I’d like you to- what can you conjure up?
The others are too intimidated.
But now things are changing.
I need to rise up again. Not for them, but for myself.
In that one sense, I refuse to give them the satisfaction
Of course, they’ll only say things amongst themselves.
Not one has the courage to say it to my face.
Say it to my face. Right this very minute.
I dare you.
-----------------------
I can’t seem to concentrate on my studies. I need to stop taking so many breaks.
I wish to stop my mind from drifting to other topics which linger around in my mind.
I don’t know why these thoughts keep running through them constantly, as if a marathon is occurring and a winner isn’t emerging from there. I keep thinking on and on about endless things- about nothing and everything.
And in a flash, time passes by without me knowing.
Tick tock.
Next thing I know, it’s been two hours since I started writing
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I want...
A pill to make me numb
A pill to make me dumb
A pill to make me anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save me from myself
(This is the lyrics of a song I heard a while ago. Don't remember it, but it popped into my head while I was writing)

Gotta Bounce and Make Sure the Echoes are Heard Everywhere

Warning: Yes. It is a mindless rant. Majority of you might not understand it or care due to its error and content. Deal with it. Or just skip the post- even better, no?

There are so many people in the world. Worse than you. Worse than me. The thought is supposed to be reassuring, but it hardly is.Firstly, the thought that other people are worse makes me feel bad because I can’t do anything for them and they probably don’t deserve it. Who deserves such bad in their life after all? Second, the other thought that I’m just sitting here doing absolutely nothing makes me feel even worse. If there’s something wrong, something bad, I should be trying to do something about it right? So why am I not? Why am I letting the past discourage me once again? Why are all these excuses popping up in my head? Why am I allowing everything to distract me from what I should be wanting to do and what I really should be doing? So what, if in the past, things haven’t worked out exactly how I’ve wanted them to? Atleast they’ve been not totally hopeless right? At least they’ve been somewhat good because I put some effort- something into it. At least things weren’t, and haven’t been completely utterly and totally useless. It’s because I tried. I fought. I didn’t back down.

Why am I here anyways? Being the way I am now. This isn’t me. What happened to all that willpower? So what if the motivation left. What happened to all that spirit and that fighting power? Was it that weak? Internally, I refuse to believe that because then this wouldn’t be me. What happened to all that stubborn-ness. That hard hearted-ness. It doesn’t just disappear like this. How could I let it all go to waste. It’s been more than four years. You don’t let stuff like that just disappear. All this, sitting around, moping or even complaining. It doesn’t suit me at all, so has it become a part of me already? Is it too late to eradicate it from within myself? I’m not a person like that. I don’t want to become a person like that. so why am I getting spoiled and allowing myself to get like that? Just staring at the walls, the laptop screen and not letting anyone or anything affect me. Being totally indifferent to all. That’s not like me at all. What has happened? Whatever it is, I dont like it at all.

I’ve gotta roll back to the beginning. Roll back to how things were. Whether it be reserved or not, I don’t care about them but I gotta care about it.