Your Lies Drop Like Acid Rain, Burn My Skin and Reach My Heart

So it wouldn’t have made a difference even if I didn’t write another entry, but after reading my friend’s blog, I said to myself- ‘why not’? I mean, I haven’t in a while, right? This time, though, I shall be writing with absolutely no topic in my mind. Do remember that this is a post of my thoughts for a total of four entire days. So I’m wondering whether to split my thoughts in two different posts or not. In the end, though, I decided against it.

I went back to school today and got my grades and, I’ve got to admit, seeing the grades in reality was rather horrible. It was completely my fault for the grades, of course, but- on the other hand- am I really capable of doing more? I wonder. It seems like everyone has extremely high expectations of me; even strangers. Oh dear.

If you read my previous post, you’ll see that I mentioned that I know the truth. Guess what? It turns out that all that I knew and all that I trusted- it was all a lie. Or at least most of it was. It hurts as to even think about something like that because it seems like the one shoulder that I mostly relied on, even though it was unintentionally, has disappeared. Gone. Just like that. Now you see the value I have in a person’s life? Exactly.

I know now. The truth is the truth and nothing can change that. The fact that I don’t even know the truth itself is rather confusing, but that’s okay. I just need to accept what I know. And what I know is that I have to improve myself and block them out. I have to just stay true to myself by keeping a clean heart and having faith in God. There’s no point in changing myself or letting another person obtain the right to leave a scar on my heart. No point at all because they don’t deserve it. Of course; things are always easier said than done.

So did I mention that I really want a tablet laptop? I mean they’re so amazing. Okay, so the only thing that’s so brilliant about it is the fact that you can directly draw on the screen with a stylus so that the picture, but still. That itself. I find really cool. Okay, so I'll admit it; to be honest, I really do miss drawing. Drawing those outfit designs, those eyes, those headshots, those freebies- I do. But there's always another time for things like those.

So these two movies- August Rush and The Secret; they sound seriously amazing and I really want to watch them. You know, some actors act so well, it’s like you actually dislike or like them because of their personality- because they can portray it so well. It’s just amazing- the effort, the time, the way that they do it. I mean how people don’t appreciate the characters- even if they’re the evil one- I don’t understand.

So I was thinking about some things; some extremely random things and I couldn’t get myself to study because my mind seemed to be filled with them. I don’t like it, I really don’t, but I thought I’d get them out; maybe I’d be able to concentrate then. Mainly, it’d just be a whole bunch of rambling.

So the strangest idea ever came to my mind today- how about being a wedding planner? I know, it’s like the furthest thing from what you’d expect from a person like me, but I’m unexpected. I truly am, I just attempt to blend it sometimes. And guess what? It usually works. I know, I know. I don’t believe in love or marriage or this and that, but really- think about it. It’s a unique job. And, well, read on.

Now this idea, quite a few things inspired them, but it’s not important. It’s more like you get to see the happiness of the couple. You get to basically make their perfect wedding and you get cash. See? Two in one. And best thing is probably- well, besides the cash- is the fact that it’s a social job.

Plus, if the couple broke up, I wouldn’t feel guilty because I know it wouldn’t be my fault due to the fact that I would just be setting up their wedding; I’m not the one who would be getting them together like a matchmaker or something of the sort. Strange thought, isn’t it? But it’s been on my mind for nearly three hours now.

I remember how it used to feel like when I felt like I was truly the special person. Like you know being special that person to that other person. His voice was constantly in my head and it was maddening and, somehow, it didn’t seem to be like it was reality. Strange. The same ordeal had been playing in my head for quite a while before I confronted myself with the issue; what was wrong with me? Turned out, it was nothing at all.
People use others a lot. They manipulate a lot. I have a nature not to use others, to be honest. So I’m wondering, is that a bad thing? I mean, ideally, it is a good thing to have a good nature, but in this kind of world, even goodness seems to question itself. I really can’t manipulate or use people; it’s totally not in my nature and I just can’t. I mean I haven’t even tried it, so I wouldn’t really know what it feels like, but I’ve seen people do it so clearly and it seems terrible really. But those people are the ones that, ironically, “rise” in life. Ah, the ways of life.
Wow, I’ve written quite a bit, haven’t I? Okay, more than just a bit, but I think you get the point. I wonder if anyone got past the first two paragraphs. If anyone reached till this point, thank you very much for reading this entire post although it was completely random and contained nothing that made any sense.

It All Just Depends On Which Side of The Coin You Look at

Now, about the picture. No, it isn't like I've changed my mind or anything of the sort. I simply liked the picture, it's cute. Okay. So I really like this picture. Don't ask xP. Now this post might be completely pointless, try not to get too irritated.

See, the problem is that I want to write and I want to blog, but I've been having a major blog block. Or maybe it's just the fact that I want to write so much, I have no idea where to start- or end, for that part. Let's just stick with the fact that my creativity has just died off.

So, to begin, lots had been happening in my life in just a short amount of time. 2009 started off with a bump and then the road just continued to get even more rough. I, of course, did keep my hopes steady, but there's a point to when it starts decreasing. And then, knowing me, it comes back again.

It’s like I am going through a mid-life crisis, i think. When, all of a sudden, nothing seems good to me. i am so distracted all the time. By the hints of possibilities. But, as usual, i refuse to open the door when opportunities knock. Why am i so laid back?

I need to realize that it’s a big deal, that it matters. Forget my heart, forget emotions, forget all those silly things that don’t matter anymore. I just need to realize, to concentrate, to think. Alas, if only things were that easy. I do realize it, I know the truth and I do have the will. The only problem is that that determination, that will; after awhile, it starts fading away. Either that or I get so caught up in something else. Yes, basically I want to be stressed, I want to be determined because if I am all that, I know that I’ll be able to do it and my persistence can overcome those little things that keep popping up.

No matter what I say, that hope, that faith, those small little expectations, I just can’t stop them from coming. That just might be one of my flaws, but to be pessimistic, put a bit more in something, is it so bad? Yes, I do realize that in my last blog entry I had mentioned that I shouldn’t have expected anyone to be there when I needed them. But just that one time- mind you, I didn’t need anyone; I’m not that desperate- I simply wanted to hear someone’s voice. Anyone’s voice that would atleast snap me back into reality so that I wouldn’t be so dazed as to walk so aimlessly and lost as to almost crash into a car. At that time, it was me who was thinking “Stop the Earth! I want to get off!” What a thought, right?

The wind of depression still blows in my life. All i need is to shut the window that lets in this wind. But i am stuck – can’t even summon the will to laugh genuinely. I don’t even feel like using anymore energy to close to window and block it all out. It seems that all I have to do for now is use my own power and strength to fight against the wind and make it through.

Seems for now, it’s just I, me, myself all over again.

White lies are not as harmless or little as they seem.

Right, it's been a while hasn't it?

Well, I want to wish everyone a belated Happy Christmas and New Year.

A few days ago, well, it was an interesting day; I’ll give it that.
I met two people who I was slightly looking forward to meeting- Shiran and Puneet. Ah, yes. Their names had to come sooner or later. I refuse to disclose my opinions about them though considering the world is full of tattle tellers. If you want to know the truth or an opinion, it’s best to ask the person themselves instead of risking the chance of more misconceptions. The plan obviously didn’t go how it was suppose to - at all. Seriously- it didn’t. Then again, I shouldn’t have thought it would either because, well, it’s my life. Things never go as they’re planned in my life.

So things have been going on in my life lately. Reality has been mixed up with my identity and I’ve been all over the place lately. Trying to hold up to someone’s expectations. Trying to hold off the harshness of reality for just a bit longer. Seems like it hit me like a typhoon all at once yet again. Of course I wasn’t expecting anyone to be there when I needed them. If I did have such expectations, I would have been let down more than I already was so I’m not as disappointed and I suppose that is a good thing. What one must do, though, is never give up the hope that they hold; even if it’s just a little hope. The small hope one has in humanity just might make all the difference in the world. Not only for you, but for the other person as well.

I truly haven’t changed; I know that much; I’m just torn apart between a few of my thoughts and opinions. Sometimes I want to feel a specific emotion, but I can’t get myself to feel that way because of the small barriers that have been set up. I suppose now I do know why 7 months ago, when my friend chatted with me, she told me this: No matter what you do, try to never revert back to how you were in grade 6. Well, I don’t think I was so bad really, just different. Really different. So I’m like the seasons of the world; I change every few months. I do, really, it’s just that nobody notices because the changes are so minute. This time on the other hand, I haven’t changed, not much really. I haven’t. I’m just scattered all over the place and yet at the same time I’m trying to pick myself up. I’m just trying to fix back the lyrics of my life that had broken apart. As I said, though, it’s simply a phase and I haven’t changed. However, nobody seems to believe me. I don’t care anymore though as justifying myself seems to just be a waste of my time lately. All one must do, though, is put their assumptions aside and look deeper. That’s all.

I read my entry once again just now- a habit, it seems- and I truly do feel like erasing this post because it seems completely pointless to me, but I shall not erase this post because I feel like I owe this website at least one post as to inform everyone out there that I’m still existent in this world.

Incomplete Thoughts of the Mind

So all these stories and movies that you see about life having a happy ending? The reason that we read all these fictional novels and get into it so much might be the fact that we know that something like that doesn't exist in the world. That way, we try to hold on to small flicker of hope that's barely there. But happy endings in reality? Not going to happen because everything is not a cliche nor is anything ever perfect. Quite the way to start this, isn't it?

Imagine having that one person who would be with you whenever you needed them no matter where it was and what time it was. Yes, that means even at 4:30AM while I am typing this. That one person who would confront you about everything and tell you never-endings tales about their life and tell you honestly how you look in that outfit. The person who could talk to you about everything and anything.That one person who would make you feel like you're special; like life is actually worth living and all these things that bring us down in life are so petty compared to the happiness he can give you. So, yes, it's usually a person of the opposite gender. Sure, it can also be the person of the same sex, but it really depends on various things.

Suppose you did have such a person really, and they were just a really close friend. Someone you could trust and talk to openly. What if the feelings developed from one side, but not the other? What if one confessed and one became confused? What if he was stolen away from you when you thought he would be yours forever? What if the realization sunk in when it was too late? That at least one thing every day had to remind you of that person. That you can't get through the day without hearing his voice even once.That you look forward to the next time that you hear his voice or see him again? What if you find out that your feelings might have changed and you had just noticed it a bit too late? What if you wanted the feelings to erase so that he might be happy with someone else? What if you don't even know if the emotions going on through your heart are real or not?

Well, that would pretty much just suck now, wouldn't it? Ah, and then there are always those times were you want to spill everything out to this one person who is so close to you, but there's always this thing hanging in the back of your mind. What if their opinion of you changes just because of the few words or confession you might make? What if the revealation you make to them is such that they might not want to be your friend anymore. Or that they just have to share that juicy piece of information with the entire of the city?

[Note: This post was completed at 5:00AM and as I fell asleep, I lost the inspiration to complete the post, but even if it incomplete, but perhaps someday I shall try getting back to it. Someday]

It definetely wouldn't be a secret anymore if it was told.

So I was tagged by Arfoosh and I shall do what it requires:

-The Rules are:[copied and pasted!]
~ Link to the Blogger who tagged you.
~ In your blog, post The Rules and...
~ Six quirky but unspectacular factoids about yourself
~ Tag six other bloggers by linking to them
~ Go to each person's blog, and leave a comment that lets them know they've been tagged.
~ Let me know you've done this tagged post too!

----> Putting eyeliner is an extremely hard task for and on me because I keep twitching due to the fact that I feel like the person is on the verge of poking in my eye. Neither can I put eyeliner on myself. I suppose we weren't meant to be.
----> If and when I'm addicted to the song, I'll constantly listen to that only song so that I can get it out of my system. That or sometimes I just try to listen to other songs so I can get that song out of my head.

----> I love going to shops and trying on differerent outfits and taking random pictures. And at times, I prefer winbow shopping to actual shopping. Ands I love going to stores/shops/ places with people, but almost never by myself.

----> I usually understand most things or people, so when I don't, it frustrates me to no end and I must figure them/it out no matter what. For example, a Maths problem that I should know, I will keep trying to solve it until I figure it out. Or a person that is interesting whose thoughts or feelings/emotions I can't figure out.

----> My dreams and/or nightmares are so realistic most of the time that sometimes I can't tell them apart from reality and can't get myself to wake up from them and it takes a person quite a lot of energy to wake me up then.

----> I have a birthmark on the back of my left hand and I'm proud of it because it's a unique feature that separates me from the next person. There's a story behind this actually.

Only after I finished this list, I got 2 more of these facts in my head, but as it doesn't require anymore, I'll spare you guys.

I tag:- Ruby, Nainou, Mari, Arfoosh and whoever else feels like doing this

Heaven's gates refuse to open up for me.

There are so many people in the world- each one of them is a different individual, so in the end, why do they all try to copy each other?Why is it so that people must hide so much just to keep up their status or their reputation?Why is it that honestly is something that is extremely hard to find nowadays?Every person has feelings and values, so why is it that some people ignore them and still hurt another person intentionally?Why is it that because you're not like the next person around the corner you're labeled to be a bad person and automatically don't fit it.

Yeah. Me musing on life's little mysteries. Quite the headache I tell you and the answers are, as usual, never found. I must admit, this entire month has been extremely hectic and I'm not exagerrating one bit. Surprisingly, it's not only due to the fact that my cousins stayed in my house for three weeks. It might be the fact that things were slowly starting to sink inside and things were happening to me. Well, of course they were. That's the whole thing really. At times my life is so dramatic, I truly wish it wasn't. It's almost as if there are the Gods and Goddesses up there watching my life like it's a television show while being amused by it. Ha. Sounds rather depressing when I think about it that way actually.

Something actually hit me today- not counting the door, that is. The fact that I haven't actually been in Texas since an entire year. I'm not talking about a year since I actually stayed there. I'm talking about a year since I went on the little surprise trip I had to go there for business. If I count the time it's been since I moved, I think I'll get even more depressed and that definetely isn't the reason I'm writing this. Ha- a year an a half, or more, since I felt like I actually belonged somewhere. I shalln't bore you with anymore details though, considering you guys deserve more than that since I haven't updated in quite a while.

This year, we started talking our future. Now, that, folks, is a topic that I can ponder on for more than 8 hours and still fail to get an answer. I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future- at all. Everyone has just told me to do whatever I want and the whole thing is that I don't know what I want anymore, especially since I haven't exactly gotten what I've ever wanted- for the most part. Everyone keeps nagging at me- 'you should atleast have an idea of what you want to do'or 'time is running out'Well, you know the phrase- it's easier said than done? Well, it truly is because I actually had an idea back home. So don't get an idea that I've always been clueless and have been totally blank. Now, on the other hand, in this land I'm quite clueless though because whenever I think about something that I want to do in the future, I always run into a thick brick wall. A dead end. What am I to do? Think, think; they all say. It really doesn't help. The main reason is because my future is connected to someone else's. Only after this one person moves on in life- only then will I be able to actually have an idea of what I will be able to do in reality. I suppose the fact that this is one of the reasons my life and personality are completely spontanous. I can't help but wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing as there are pros and cons for everything- especially this situation.

I've been running in circles all day long.

So a few days back, my cousins came over from Laredo on a visit for 3 weeks. They're to be staying in our house of course and due to that reason, I've been rather busy.

Since they arrived to our house at night, they just changed, ate, met my other aunt and went to sleep. They seemed to be to tired for anything, so we didn't do anything that day- well, we did fix the sleeping arrangements. Ha, let's just say that where I sleep, if I turn even a little bit, there's a chance of me falling down the bed.

The next few days were rather eventful, I'd say! On the 25th of September and we were invited to one of my aunt's house to have lunch. We arrived there, fashionably late of course (ha) and started to talk to each other as if we hadn't ever met each other before which was partially true because my cousins haven't been to DUbai in over 8 years. At Aunt Lily's house, the dining table to be specific, I was looking at all the food and, mainly, my aunt's expression. She seemed quite worn out from cooking so much food. It was a feast really- you wouldn't believe the amount of food she cooked! Not to mention her kids barely helped her, so one person doing all that work was just wonderful. And then, as you already know, for the past week or so I've been having this internal debate on whether to continue fasting or not. I mean, I think if I feel doing this, I might as well just stop eating altogether. Ha. There goes my sarcasm. As I said before, I was staring at the food, the debate still going on between my two minds and then I Came to this conclusion 'Why the freaking heck not?'I mean, it's a rather wonderful thought, isn't it? Also, I was thinking that it was the 25th- a pretty nice date. So at 3:15 on the 25th of September2008, I broke my fast for this year. From that time on, I have not fasted anymore. After their house, we walked quite a bit to a place called Meena Bazaar. Their expressions were quite fun to watch when they saw about 12 gold shops with various types of jewelery and designs.Imagine. All this happened in only one day.

The next wasn't resting day either! We did tons of things and my older cousin, after I came out from the shower, decided to put make up on me. Now see, I'm not too fond of this type of thing because it tends not to suit me and it's suppose to ruin your skin. Mine's already ruined, so I really wasn't planning to ruin it anymore. I shrugged in response though; one time makeup couldn't hurt, now could it? See, though, the thing is that we were going to my other aunt's house for lunch and whenever I wear makeup(if I ever do) I only wear it on occassions or special events. Shrugging the thought off, I allowed her to put quite a few things on me. I, of course, tried to be cooperative, but when someone's trying to stick a pencil in your eyeball, it's rather hard. I'd say. Psh.After that, though, I asked her if she could do my hair as well, just for the sake of experimenting. So these are the few things she put on her. A light shade of pink eyeshadow with bits of glitter on it to match my outfit, mascara on the ends of my lashes to emphasize the thickness, a bit of a blush for the cheek-bones as to blend in with the eyeshadow and skin color, and eyeliner for the darkness. Oh, and did I mention that lipstick was put on me too? Well, it was. In addition to my makeup, though, I liked my hair as I used two of my new silver sparkly clips that were put up in a rather different hairstyle- one I can't do on myself. Lunch was delicious, as usual, and I don't think it was just because I Was hungry. A few relatives I wasn't expecting also showed up there, but an hour before we left, two of my uncles launched into an argument about-- you know it. Religion. Can you believe it? I almost got so frustrated that I felt like marching up to them and just telling them off. Yes, my extended family is filled with different branches of religion, so what's wrong with that? Nothing I tell you, but really, the way they were acting was just childish. To accuse another people and tell them that their views and opinions are wrong. Let them be. If they don't want to reason with you, just leave them. How hard is that to do? Well, anyways, after that, we drove to this place called Dragonmart. Now this place is rumored to have 4000 stalls there. Brilliant, isn't it? Sadly, I started getting a bit sad there because everything I was seeing and liking, my parents kept reminding me that I already have too much of. Alright, so I might have a bit too much jewelry or clothes, but does that mean that I can't enjoy those clothes or at least try them on? It doesn't matter I suppose. What's done is done. I enjoyed myself all in all, but it seemed to me that my cousins were highly disappointed as they were expecting something better. Afterwards, we went to a restaurant called Gazebo and I, personally, enjoyed all the 6 dishes we ordered. Romali Roti is the way to go. Ha. So we, being the cool people we are, reached home at about 2 in the morning and somehow fell asleep at 3 in the morning.

Talk about eventful,eh?

Today- the 27th of September was the only day that I actually managed to get some rest. I suppose it was mainly due to the fact that my cousins were out with their relatives for the entire day. I wonder what tomorrow will be like ..Although there's just one problem with all of this- I can't find anytime to study or blog. Also, tomorrow is my friend, Lucy's, 16th birthday.