εveryone wants to be нappy; ηobody wants ρain, but you can't have a яainbow without яain.

The clock was ticking; she could hear it, anxious as each second passed by. She had rushed through almost everything; she knew it, but she couldn’t help it as her mind seemed to almost be elsewhere. There was half an hour left for her to stare at the clock; even though she knew that it wouldn’t make it go faster, she had nothing else to do. The echo of the older female was heard and she shut her eyes, saying a quick little prayer as she turned, eyes meeting with another girl’s. They left, bit by bit and as she left, realization dawned upon her. It had been completed at last and there was nothing to stop her now. The corners of her lips were raised as she let out a yelp of happiness, not being able to contain her emotions any further. People were shocked, surprised, excited and some were even in tears, but what mattered was that it was over.

So besides that little excerpt really. Do you think I should stop those things? They’re just random little ramblings or writings one could say. Anyhoo~

I’m done. I’m finally done. Done with seeing the same annoyed faces of those teachers and arrogant faces of those students. Done with being put down by people who aren’t worth it. Done with the silly drama. And I’m done; absolutely done with continuously studying and trying to memorize three years worth of portion.

So to speak; I have officially completed the 2009 IGCSE: International General Certificate of Secondary Education. Whether I faired well or did bad, I have no idea really. Sadly, at the moment, everyone in my house is sleeping so I’m unable to celebrate in the way I want to. What would you expect? It’s the morning of a weekend. And my friends, well, they’re busy doing their own things I suppose. But that doesn’t matter. Everything seems to just be such a blur. The only thing that is stuck to my mind is the fact that I am now free. Free in the sense that I don’t need to have my nose in my textbook for 11 hours trying to figure out how to do mole ratios or anything of the sort. Instead, I can split those 11 hours and spend them on my family and friends. Now doesn’t that sound much better? Of course it does.

I simply can’t get it out of my system- the excitement and the happiness. Perhaps it just hasn’t completely sunk in yet; the fact that I might not be in this school next year; that I would have to settle into a new environment all over again, that there would be a small possibility of losing my friends in the process. But hey, what the heck? Does it really matter? What one needs to do right now is nothing but just enjoy the moment. The moment and the mood they’re in at that time. And at this very moment I’m totally and utterly hyped up and wanting to stand on top of a mountain and scream my lungs out. Which, of course, isn’t exactly possible for my in reality, but it’s alright. I’m just hoping that my hyper-ness doesn’t die out too soon.

I never thought I’d say this, but I haven’t a clue what to do. I don’t want to wake up my parents and spoil their sleep. I don’t want to disturb my friends as they must be busy. I want to get some rest and refresh myself, but at the same time I don’t want to because when I wake up, my emotions might change and the situation might as well. I want to settle down and watch My Girl or Coffee Prince, but my internet refuses to cooperate with me, so that isn’t exactly possible either. I want to go out, but I don’t have a license nor do I have a place to go. So you see what kind of a problem I’m in? I can’t exactly call it a ‘problem’ since it’s minor and rather silly, but still. I don’t know what to do.

Ah. Memories. Confusion. Fights. Misunderstandings. Thoughts. Debates. Lessons. Critizing. Breaking up. Making up. Understanding. Being random.

You.

Me.

Us.

I’ll give it that much- this year sure has been interesting and eventful.

♦Spinning through a world of obligations wanting nothing more than to be Free♦

It had been nothing but a simple question. An innocent simply question that had no hidden intentions behind it, but that question itself started it all. A sharp pain crossed her heart as tears began forming at the corner of her eyes. As the loud voices and clash continued, she bit her lower lip feeling undeniably helpless to the situation. Everything had been going so smoothly- the conversations, the teasing and the smiles, so what had turned it into this? The entire room was filled with silence, but the atmosphere was still so tense and almost tangible- she could cut it with a knife if she had one. Tears threatened to fall as she heard the footsteps leading away from her. And then, they fell.

That, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with what I’m to write in this entry. Honestly. Atleast I don’t think it will. Not this time at least. This entry, though, is short compared to my other entries. How sad.

This entire month was to be reserved for exams and for studies, that’s true. Or atleast they were only suppose to be reserved for that, but something else got added into my agenda. Gaining knowledge about life and God. Rather unexpected topics they were really, but the topics were extremely interesting I found. Things about fate, the soul, religion, God.. And they were things that I never knew about before too. The thing that really left an imprint in my heart for now, though, was when someone told me “You are a part of me.” And that person(X) has never admitted that before- out loud atleast. So that really left me in slight shock. Another person(Y) did tell me that that person (X) was simply making up things and didn’t mean it, but I didn’t care.

So this was something I wrote a bit ago, so it’s a few months old. Recently, I haven’t been in the mood to write anything huge. This isn’t really a poem, it’s more of an excerpt or, rather, just a rambling or thought of a sort.

Three simple words needed to bring a smile.
Three simple words to bring a frown.
Three simple words that end a novel.
Only three simple words.
Just those three can bring the world.
Just those three can break one's heart.
Just those three can pull the cords
Merely but three little words.
Not much they are.
Just a few syllables.
But the affects are great
For just three little words.

-Your question might then be- what are these three words then? Well, that is for you to figure out.

It’s rather frustrating sometimes because no matter how much I study, how much effort I put into something, things just refuse to work out the way I want them to work out. I was talking to my mother a while ago about the changes I’ve gone through and the few things that have happened. So from there, I did realize that I have changed which was quite the sadness for me because, well, most of them aren’t the way I it should have been.

It’s not really a complete change though since there are still times that I’m torn between who I was, who I am and who I want to be. Then again, that’s simply too much trouble, so I’ve decided that I shall just be what I am. Why should I over think things and overcomplicate things? I should just move along with a clean heart and a steady and pure mind; that’s all. And just by being myself.

Just Because You Ignore The Facts, That Doesn't Mean They Stop To Exist

Nothing. It was as if I couldn't feel anything and could barely think. Everything was going wrong. Everything. Was it my mistake for having too much faith in myself? Was it my fault for thinking that I could have actually done well? Everything crashed down on me in the end and I couldn't do anything about it. No matter how much I tried to look on the bright side, it just wouldn't sink in. Dark eyes were burning- not with tears- but with annoyance; how could I? Why did I? I had no answers for any of them. No answers at all.

Right. Back to the reason of why I was actually writing this post. My friend had urged me to post a few of my writings up here. No, not those short stories or articles. Just ramblings or thoughts, you can say. Like short poems, or something of the sort. For starters, I'll just post two of them. We'll see how the rest goes. And , of course, everyone and anyone is free to critize or comment.

► You'd think just because you travel a few miles that nothing would change. That surely turned out to be wrong because everything changed. The people, the scenery, the views, the love, the school, the friendship. Oh, friendship- what's the meaning of it? Is there a depth to it anymore? If you refuse to share your emotions, your experiences and yourself then how can one get closer? Then along comes the other thought- if you didn't want me to get closer, then why did we start in the first place? Perhaps it was my fault for trying in the first place. Perhaps it was my fault for hoping just a bit more. Perhaps it was my fault for wanting to be with you in the first place.

► What if everything you believed got twisted and turned in just one moment? What if everything that you thought was the truth turned out to be nothing but a lie? What if the shoulder that was always there for you to lean against just disappeared? What if you found out that the person who you thought you knew was showing you a different side the whole time? A side that was nonexistant? A side that was nothing but a facade. Turns out that I never knew you after all.

Your Lies Drop Like Acid Rain, Burn My Skin and Reach My Heart

So it wouldn’t have made a difference even if I didn’t write another entry, but after reading my friend’s blog, I said to myself- ‘why not’? I mean, I haven’t in a while, right? This time, though, I shall be writing with absolutely no topic in my mind. Do remember that this is a post of my thoughts for a total of four entire days. So I’m wondering whether to split my thoughts in two different posts or not. In the end, though, I decided against it.

I went back to school today and got my grades and, I’ve got to admit, seeing the grades in reality was rather horrible. It was completely my fault for the grades, of course, but- on the other hand- am I really capable of doing more? I wonder. It seems like everyone has extremely high expectations of me; even strangers. Oh dear.

If you read my previous post, you’ll see that I mentioned that I know the truth. Guess what? It turns out that all that I knew and all that I trusted- it was all a lie. Or at least most of it was. It hurts as to even think about something like that because it seems like the one shoulder that I mostly relied on, even though it was unintentionally, has disappeared. Gone. Just like that. Now you see the value I have in a person’s life? Exactly.

I know now. The truth is the truth and nothing can change that. The fact that I don’t even know the truth itself is rather confusing, but that’s okay. I just need to accept what I know. And what I know is that I have to improve myself and block them out. I have to just stay true to myself by keeping a clean heart and having faith in God. There’s no point in changing myself or letting another person obtain the right to leave a scar on my heart. No point at all because they don’t deserve it. Of course; things are always easier said than done.

So did I mention that I really want a tablet laptop? I mean they’re so amazing. Okay, so the only thing that’s so brilliant about it is the fact that you can directly draw on the screen with a stylus so that the picture, but still. That itself. I find really cool. Okay, so I'll admit it; to be honest, I really do miss drawing. Drawing those outfit designs, those eyes, those headshots, those freebies- I do. But there's always another time for things like those.

So these two movies- August Rush and The Secret; they sound seriously amazing and I really want to watch them. You know, some actors act so well, it’s like you actually dislike or like them because of their personality- because they can portray it so well. It’s just amazing- the effort, the time, the way that they do it. I mean how people don’t appreciate the characters- even if they’re the evil one- I don’t understand.

So I was thinking about some things; some extremely random things and I couldn’t get myself to study because my mind seemed to be filled with them. I don’t like it, I really don’t, but I thought I’d get them out; maybe I’d be able to concentrate then. Mainly, it’d just be a whole bunch of rambling.

So the strangest idea ever came to my mind today- how about being a wedding planner? I know, it’s like the furthest thing from what you’d expect from a person like me, but I’m unexpected. I truly am, I just attempt to blend it sometimes. And guess what? It usually works. I know, I know. I don’t believe in love or marriage or this and that, but really- think about it. It’s a unique job. And, well, read on.

Now this idea, quite a few things inspired them, but it’s not important. It’s more like you get to see the happiness of the couple. You get to basically make their perfect wedding and you get cash. See? Two in one. And best thing is probably- well, besides the cash- is the fact that it’s a social job.

Plus, if the couple broke up, I wouldn’t feel guilty because I know it wouldn’t be my fault due to the fact that I would just be setting up their wedding; I’m not the one who would be getting them together like a matchmaker or something of the sort. Strange thought, isn’t it? But it’s been on my mind for nearly three hours now.

I remember how it used to feel like when I felt like I was truly the special person. Like you know being special that person to that other person. His voice was constantly in my head and it was maddening and, somehow, it didn’t seem to be like it was reality. Strange. The same ordeal had been playing in my head for quite a while before I confronted myself with the issue; what was wrong with me? Turned out, it was nothing at all.
People use others a lot. They manipulate a lot. I have a nature not to use others, to be honest. So I’m wondering, is that a bad thing? I mean, ideally, it is a good thing to have a good nature, but in this kind of world, even goodness seems to question itself. I really can’t manipulate or use people; it’s totally not in my nature and I just can’t. I mean I haven’t even tried it, so I wouldn’t really know what it feels like, but I’ve seen people do it so clearly and it seems terrible really. But those people are the ones that, ironically, “rise” in life. Ah, the ways of life.
Wow, I’ve written quite a bit, haven’t I? Okay, more than just a bit, but I think you get the point. I wonder if anyone got past the first two paragraphs. If anyone reached till this point, thank you very much for reading this entire post although it was completely random and contained nothing that made any sense.

It All Just Depends On Which Side of The Coin You Look at

Now, about the picture. No, it isn't like I've changed my mind or anything of the sort. I simply liked the picture, it's cute. Okay. So I really like this picture. Don't ask xP. Now this post might be completely pointless, try not to get too irritated.

See, the problem is that I want to write and I want to blog, but I've been having a major blog block. Or maybe it's just the fact that I want to write so much, I have no idea where to start- or end, for that part. Let's just stick with the fact that my creativity has just died off.

So, to begin, lots had been happening in my life in just a short amount of time. 2009 started off with a bump and then the road just continued to get even more rough. I, of course, did keep my hopes steady, but there's a point to when it starts decreasing. And then, knowing me, it comes back again.

It’s like I am going through a mid-life crisis, i think. When, all of a sudden, nothing seems good to me. i am so distracted all the time. By the hints of possibilities. But, as usual, i refuse to open the door when opportunities knock. Why am i so laid back?

I need to realize that it’s a big deal, that it matters. Forget my heart, forget emotions, forget all those silly things that don’t matter anymore. I just need to realize, to concentrate, to think. Alas, if only things were that easy. I do realize it, I know the truth and I do have the will. The only problem is that that determination, that will; after awhile, it starts fading away. Either that or I get so caught up in something else. Yes, basically I want to be stressed, I want to be determined because if I am all that, I know that I’ll be able to do it and my persistence can overcome those little things that keep popping up.

No matter what I say, that hope, that faith, those small little expectations, I just can’t stop them from coming. That just might be one of my flaws, but to be pessimistic, put a bit more in something, is it so bad? Yes, I do realize that in my last blog entry I had mentioned that I shouldn’t have expected anyone to be there when I needed them. But just that one time- mind you, I didn’t need anyone; I’m not that desperate- I simply wanted to hear someone’s voice. Anyone’s voice that would atleast snap me back into reality so that I wouldn’t be so dazed as to walk so aimlessly and lost as to almost crash into a car. At that time, it was me who was thinking “Stop the Earth! I want to get off!” What a thought, right?

The wind of depression still blows in my life. All i need is to shut the window that lets in this wind. But i am stuck – can’t even summon the will to laugh genuinely. I don’t even feel like using anymore energy to close to window and block it all out. It seems that all I have to do for now is use my own power and strength to fight against the wind and make it through.

Seems for now, it’s just I, me, myself all over again.

White lies are not as harmless or little as they seem.

Right, it's been a while hasn't it?

Well, I want to wish everyone a belated Happy Christmas and New Year.

A few days ago, well, it was an interesting day; I’ll give it that.
I met two people who I was slightly looking forward to meeting- Shiran and Puneet. Ah, yes. Their names had to come sooner or later. I refuse to disclose my opinions about them though considering the world is full of tattle tellers. If you want to know the truth or an opinion, it’s best to ask the person themselves instead of risking the chance of more misconceptions. The plan obviously didn’t go how it was suppose to - at all. Seriously- it didn’t. Then again, I shouldn’t have thought it would either because, well, it’s my life. Things never go as they’re planned in my life.

So things have been going on in my life lately. Reality has been mixed up with my identity and I’ve been all over the place lately. Trying to hold up to someone’s expectations. Trying to hold off the harshness of reality for just a bit longer. Seems like it hit me like a typhoon all at once yet again. Of course I wasn’t expecting anyone to be there when I needed them. If I did have such expectations, I would have been let down more than I already was so I’m not as disappointed and I suppose that is a good thing. What one must do, though, is never give up the hope that they hold; even if it’s just a little hope. The small hope one has in humanity just might make all the difference in the world. Not only for you, but for the other person as well.

I truly haven’t changed; I know that much; I’m just torn apart between a few of my thoughts and opinions. Sometimes I want to feel a specific emotion, but I can’t get myself to feel that way because of the small barriers that have been set up. I suppose now I do know why 7 months ago, when my friend chatted with me, she told me this: No matter what you do, try to never revert back to how you were in grade 6. Well, I don’t think I was so bad really, just different. Really different. So I’m like the seasons of the world; I change every few months. I do, really, it’s just that nobody notices because the changes are so minute. This time on the other hand, I haven’t changed, not much really. I haven’t. I’m just scattered all over the place and yet at the same time I’m trying to pick myself up. I’m just trying to fix back the lyrics of my life that had broken apart. As I said, though, it’s simply a phase and I haven’t changed. However, nobody seems to believe me. I don’t care anymore though as justifying myself seems to just be a waste of my time lately. All one must do, though, is put their assumptions aside and look deeper. That’s all.

I read my entry once again just now- a habit, it seems- and I truly do feel like erasing this post because it seems completely pointless to me, but I shall not erase this post because I feel like I owe this website at least one post as to inform everyone out there that I’m still existent in this world.

Incomplete Thoughts of the Mind

So all these stories and movies that you see about life having a happy ending? The reason that we read all these fictional novels and get into it so much might be the fact that we know that something like that doesn't exist in the world. That way, we try to hold on to small flicker of hope that's barely there. But happy endings in reality? Not going to happen because everything is not a cliche nor is anything ever perfect. Quite the way to start this, isn't it?

Imagine having that one person who would be with you whenever you needed them no matter where it was and what time it was. Yes, that means even at 4:30AM while I am typing this. That one person who would confront you about everything and tell you never-endings tales about their life and tell you honestly how you look in that outfit. The person who could talk to you about everything and anything.That one person who would make you feel like you're special; like life is actually worth living and all these things that bring us down in life are so petty compared to the happiness he can give you. So, yes, it's usually a person of the opposite gender. Sure, it can also be the person of the same sex, but it really depends on various things.

Suppose you did have such a person really, and they were just a really close friend. Someone you could trust and talk to openly. What if the feelings developed from one side, but not the other? What if one confessed and one became confused? What if he was stolen away from you when you thought he would be yours forever? What if the realization sunk in when it was too late? That at least one thing every day had to remind you of that person. That you can't get through the day without hearing his voice even once.That you look forward to the next time that you hear his voice or see him again? What if you find out that your feelings might have changed and you had just noticed it a bit too late? What if you wanted the feelings to erase so that he might be happy with someone else? What if you don't even know if the emotions going on through your heart are real or not?

Well, that would pretty much just suck now, wouldn't it? Ah, and then there are always those times were you want to spill everything out to this one person who is so close to you, but there's always this thing hanging in the back of your mind. What if their opinion of you changes just because of the few words or confession you might make? What if the revealation you make to them is such that they might not want to be your friend anymore. Or that they just have to share that juicy piece of information with the entire of the city?

[Note: This post was completed at 5:00AM and as I fell asleep, I lost the inspiration to complete the post, but even if it incomplete, but perhaps someday I shall try getting back to it. Someday]